Some people may be surprised to learn that most viruses don’t have much respect for the following:

  • Optimism, blind or otherwise
  • Fearlessness
  • Mathematical illiteracy
  • Feelings
  • Opinions
  • Conspiracies
  • Spring break
  • Jobs
  • Economics
  • Lying
  • Denial
  • Ignorance
  • Irrationality
  • Insults
  • Politics
  • Excuses
  • Incompetence
  • Toilet paper abundance

Relative to human beings, who may be compassionate and understanding about some of the above, the behavior of viruses could be considered by some to be borderline rude.

For example, the recent coronavirus has shown a most unpleasant disregard for Italian culture and optimism, now claiming 3405 lives in Italy (more than 900 of them in the past 2 days) and infecting more than 41K. It seems particularly obnoxious in its treatment of Italian medical personnel, infecting more than 2600 of them so far. In response the Italians have opted to accelerate the graduation of thousands of medical students, so they can join the fight against the virus months ahead of schedule. So far the virus hasn’t revealed what it thinks about that when asked.

Many Spaniards noted how the virus treated the Italians and assumed it would treat them quite differently. The virus, however, seems to find Spanish bodies at least as hospitable as its Italian hosts, which may be why it proceeded to infect 18K and to claim 831 lives in Spain, promising more to follow.

The virus was nonplussed when Iran’s Deputy Health Minister denied its potential, even while he was coughing quite a bit due to being infected himself. Shortly thereafter, the virus proceeded to claim the lives of dozens of Iranian government officials. Presently it would appear that the virus considers more of the same to be a good use of its time.

Iranians have been sharing videos of bodies piling up and being placed into new mass graves – literally with a twist of lime. Iranian locals have shared that the bodies they’ve counted in certain limited areas exceed the official totals being reported for the entire country (currently 18K+ cases and 1284 deaths). Some estimate that Iran is heading towards millions of deaths, which may be impressive numbers for humans but not particularly so for the virus. It’s been said that in private, the virus considers the number 1,000,000 about as daunting as most humans would find the number 6. So not very.

Presently the virus is finding American culture most receptive to its propagation, having just finished its initial tour of all 50 states. So far it has infected 14K and claimed 214 American lives. It seems to be developing a fondness for American irrationality, although some say that it may be slightly disappointed that its initially pleasant spring break in Florida is being cut short.

Additionally the virus is warming up to the culture of Brazil, noting the welcoming words of Brazil’s President like “hysteria” and “fantasy.” There the virus is still working on its first 1000 infections, which it expects to surpass sometime this weekend.

The virus doesn’t seem to mind all the recent testing, having passed such tests nearly 250K times thus far. It considers the 10K lives it has recently claimed a modest achievement, while noting that reaching 100K from this point should take even less effort.

The virus has been quietly observing increased chatter about social distancing, which it considers a non-issue as long as the humans don’t actually practice it well. While normally possessing a rather reserved demeanor, the virus does appear to elevate its contentment slightly above baseline levels when humans spend more time discussing their economic concerns.