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The U.S. Presidential elections are coming up soon. Instead of voting for those other guys who will just run you in circles, I’d like you to vote for me instead. I’m not officially on any ballots, so you’ll have to write in my name. My odds of getting elected may be slim since I’ve been running a pretty lazy campaign (just started today actually), but if elected I’ll gladly take the job.
Just in case you’re unfamiliar with my political views, here are some of the changes I’d like to make as our next U.S. President.
1. I’ll destroy millions of jobs.
My record in my home state of Nevada speaks for itself. We have one of the highest unemployment rates in the nation. Many people here have given up looking for jobs entirely, so they’re not even being counted in the figures anymore. It’s really beautiful to see that.
I have a special knack for encouraging people to quit their mind-numbing jobs and discover more intelligent ways to create value and support themselves. With your vote we can kill off millions more of these inane life-sucking positions.
Regular jobs are archaic and outmoded, a throwback to industrial age thinking. Universities are ridiculously overpriced these days, and students are finding that their diplomas are largely worthless in the real world, only to be burdened with a mountain of student debt and no good way to pay it back.
The old systems are clearly dying and need to be replaced. Instead of trying to preserve dead-end jobs, I say we to let them die. I’ll even actively encourage their demise. This is a natural death, and it’s overdue anyway. There will be a chaotic period of readjustment, and it may take more than a generation for us to resettle ourselves employment-wise, but we will get there together, and our future will be brighter than ever.
I believe in the inherent intelligence of human beings. Deep down we’re pretty smart and creative creatures. But before we can fully harness our creativity to come up with better ways to manage our work lives and productivity, we need to throw in the towel on the old approaches that no longer serve us.
It’s unsustainable to pay people entitlements to sit around on their assess, and it’s not yet sustainable to reeducate them in large numbers. So temporarily, we’ll have to endure a huge swell in the numbers of unemployed and homeless people. That’s pretty much unavoidable at this point, and given our currently massive public debt, it makes no sense to delay this any longer. We need to allow this massive social readjustment to happen.
On the other side of this, people will learn that the days of the cushy lifetime corporate job with a pension are long gone. The world is changing much too fast, and we need a more dynamic and flexible workforce that assumes personal responsibility for its ongoing education. We need to encourage our citizens to stop looking to Big Brother to take care of them. We need to transition to a society that puts a high value on flexible, ongoing self-education. We Americans must become even more growth-oriented as individuals if we are to have any hope of remaining relevant and competitive as part of the global workforce.
Ironically, becoming President would mean that I’d finally have a job, but I’m willing to endure this short-term sacrifice for the greater good.
2. I’ll create more flexible legal structures for relationships.
It’s no secret that I’m not interested in marriage for myself, but I respect that other people value the legal rights that come with this institution. Conscious adults should be free to choose whatever relationship structure works for them, as long as they’re of sound mind and can mutually consent to what they want.
So this means that if you’re straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, poly, or whatever, you ought to be able to define the scope of your relationship in the eyes of the law and be entitled to essentially the same rights as any traditional married couple. Poly relationship partners could define their relationships to include more than two people.
I do believe in the rule of law. It has its place, and we need good legal structures to handle common situations like the transfer of communal property and the responsibility for raising children. To destroy these structures would be foolish. But our laws should adapt to the structure of our relationships as much as possible. Our relationships should not be forced to endure the rigidity of laws that can’t keep pace with our hearts.
The reality is that people are forming strong, bonded relationships outside the scope of traditional man-woman marriages. As long as a relationship is based on mutual consent and entered into by people recognized as legal adults, then let’s allow the adults within that relationship to define how they wish to manage the legal rights and responsibilities of joint property, childcare, power of attorney, etc. We can create some good defaults for the most common situations while also giving people the flexibility to define variations that suit their particular relationship structure. In practice this should be no more difficult than filing the paperwork for forming an LLC or corporation.
I’d also like to make it much easier for people to dissolve their relationship structures under the law. It’s rather ridiculous that it’s easier (and often less expensive) to dissolve a company than it is to end a marriage. The reality is that for most Americans, marriage has become a temporary institution. Let’s honor the truth of what’s really happening here and make it easier and simpler to enter and exit the legal structures associated with committed relationships.
As President I intend to celebrate the rich diversity of human relationships. I am neither for nor against traditional marriage. I am for individuals being free to make their own conscious choices — and for our laws to do their best to keep pace with the richness of our social lives.
3. I’ll greatly improve the separation of church and state.
Religion has been a nasty vampire squid choking our government institutions for much too long, so let’s put a stop to that and purify our government institutions of this creepy religious infestation.
As President I wouldn’t meet with the Pope or pay him any special respects; I don’t think he deserves to be treated any differently than any other cult leader. If he wants to visit the USA, he’s free to do so on his own dime.
I’d point out that Islamic law is immature and self-destructive as well, and I’d openly admit that yes, it would be in the best interests of the USA and the world at large to see that kind of nonsense abolished from government and political institutions.
I believe in people’s individual rights to choose their own spiritual beliefs and to practice those beliefs communally if they so desire. However, our planet is becoming much too integrated and multi-cultural for us to allow goofy and childish religious ideology to infect our government institutions without serious negative consequences such as endless war.
You should be free to adopt whatever spiritual beliefs you desire. Worship whomever you like. Live by the values that resonate with you. Drink the wine, chew the wafer, light the Menorah, and bow in deference to your heart’s content. But don’t expect your government to financially support your personal practices… or to make public decisions based on your superstitions and stories.
Let’s end unfair subsidies to religious institutions. As President I’d work to kill the non-profit classification for religious institutions, meaning that all churches would need to start paying their fair share of taxes. Donating to a church in exchange for services is a financial transaction like any other. Such donations should not be tax-deductible. They should be counted and taxed as income for the recipient just like any other business transaction.
Some of these institutions would be eligible to reapply for non-profit status as educational or charitable institutions if they refactor themselves to perform more socially constructive work, but our government should deny non-profit status to organizations that are inherently bigoted in their beliefs and practices. It’s completely unfair to spend taxpayer dollars on such wasteful nonsense, such as groups that classify people into saved vs. unsaved categories. We can do better.
Otherwise we’re going to see more loony and socially destructive institutions like the Church of Scientology arising in the decades ahead as more people figure out that starting a fake religion is a legally valid path to wealth. We really shouldn’t be encouraging more people to follow the tax-dodging model the Catholic Church has been using with such great success. It’s time to pull the plug on such blatant abuse.
Again, I have no problem at all with people choosing and following their own spiritual path, both individually and communally. If that’s your thing, go do that. But our government — and by extension, we the taxpayers — should not be footing the bill for these pursuits.
Let’s require that religious institutions pay their fair share of taxes just like any other business. Then let’s use that money to get our country out of debt and to upgrade our other government systems, especially our secular educational institutions.
As Jesus supposedly said, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s,” which means, “Pay your taxes.”
Surely God can handle the IRS.
4. I’ll help Americans reclaim their health.
In the battle between healthy living and corporate profits, we need to tip the scales back to the side of health. Just as the health of our bodies depends on the health of our cells, so does the health of our nation depend on the health of its citizens.
For decades now we’ve been trending in the direction of becoming a nation of sick weaklings, but that doesn’t have to be our fate for the future.
Let’s start with recommitting ourselves to sharing good, honest information. A good place to start would be to assemble and promote national health advisors who embrace sound nutrition, ethical food practices, disease prevention, and good mental health for our citizens — people who aren’t financially tied to the food industry.
It seems like a no-brainer to at least label whether foods have been genetically modified, so people can decide for themselves if they want to buy that stuff. Deliberately hiding this info is not in alignment with truth.
Monsanto, which made about $12 billion last year, is spending tens of millions of dollars to try to block such laws from being passed, so if you want to see more Monsanto products in your food supply like chemical insecticides, recombinant bovine growth hormone, and one-use terminator seeds that push farmers into an endless buying loop, go ahead and vote for the other guys.
Another step I’ll take is to do what I can to end the ridiculously wasteful subsidies to the animal products industry. This means the price of flesh, milk, cheese, and similar items will rise to a market-driven level. These prices will have to reflect the true costs of water, electricity, transportation, and waste management. This will in turn make healthier and more environmentally sound choices relatively less expensive. Instead of feeding plants to animals and then eating the animals, people can eat more of the plants directly. This would massively improve the health of our nation and dramatically reduce our healthcare costs (and by healthcare, we all know we’re really talking about sick care).
Additionally, I’d like to require all factory farms to host active 24/7 webcams of their operations, so people can see what’s really going on inside. People deserve to see what they’re actually consuming. More truth will inform better decisions.
It really doesn’t make sense for us to fuss over access to healthcare when our people are becoming increasingly unhealthy. Our dysfunctional healthcare system isn’t the main issue here. The bigger problem is our unsustainably poor health habits. Individual responsibility must be part of the cure, but our government could certainly do a better job of supporting our health over the profits of our “food” companies.
5. I’ll simplify the tax code.
Our current tax laws are clearly ridiculous. They’re much too complicated and confusing, and they put a wasteful burden on our productivity. In an ideal world, there should be no such thing as an accountant — it’s a completely worthless and unnecessary position. We may not be able to create the ideal, but we could certainly move closer to it.
Let’s throw out the old tax code and start fresh with a simple flat tax, one rate for individuals and one for companies. Make it dirt simple for everyone to know how much they’re paying. If we want to complicate it later, we can do so sparingly, but a simple flat tax would be a better alternative than the overcooked hydra we have today.
This will surely kill off a lot of jobs, but those jobs are unnecessary anyway. The world doesn’t need more people wasting their lives just to calculate how much tax someone owes. We can divert that loss of productivity to more intelligent and creative uses.
I’m not anti-tax or anti-government. I respect the role of government, and I think taxes are a reasonable way to fund it. Much of this money is well spent and serves to improve our lives. But we could use a better bang per buck here. We should make it easier for people to know how much they owe and to pay it with ease. It’s incredibly wasteful to require such a herculean effort just to calculate how much is owed. Our creativity shouldn’t be diverted into figuring out how to save money on taxes. Our people and corporations should be devoting more resources to their creative output. I’d like to see our companies’ accounting departments replaced by a simple cell phone app that can calculate and submit the tax owed to the IRS in a matter of seconds.
A flat tax won’t be perfect of course, but the complexity we have today just isn’t worth the burden, and it unfairly burdens small businesses that don’t have the resources to skim the same kinds of savings that larger corporations do. In this case, a simpler solution would be superior.
6. I’ll kill the U.S. Postal Service.
The USPS has performed an admirable public service for many, many years. But its day has passed. Today it’s bleeding cash, and its death is inevitable. Email killed it.
Most postal mail is junk mail anyway. Bills, letters, and payments can be sent electronically. There’s no good reason for sending information on physical media anymore. Any information can be sent digitally instead; this is much more efficient and saves resources.
As for shipping physical goods, private companies like UPS, FedEx, and others can still compete for our shipping dollars. There’s no need to force them to compete with the government for a service like this.
Physical mailboxes are simply no longer needed. Our current technology is already well beyond this stage. It’s time to stop pretending we’re still living in the 1950s.
Instead of forcing the USPS to die a slow and agonizing death through starvation, neglect, and empty promises of restoration, let’s give it an honorable funeral and put it to rest as quickly as possible. Lay off all postal employees, auction off the remaining assets, and sell the leftover stamps as collectors’ items.
7. I’ll do my back room deals in the front room.
I’m not naive about politics. I understand the nature of back room deals, and I intend to engage in them liberally. I’m a pragmatist and want to get things done. Sometimes this requires greasing the wheels to help other people get what they want. Idealism looks good on paper, but it won’t get us very far, given the current status of our government.
Americans aren’t stupid, and I don’t think it’s necessary to treat them like children during media appearances. I understand that some truths may need to remain in the dark for reasons of national security and such, but I don’t think it’s necessary to speak gobbledygook and lie about how things actually get done in Washington.
I think it’s more intelligent to acknowledge that I’d be working in a system that involves a fair bit of corruption and a lot of lobbying from people with money. Instead of pretending that the reality is different than it is, I think we should accept what we have to deal with and then do the best we can to improve it.
8. I won’t hide the fact that I’m shagging my interns.
Obviously it makes little sense for a guy with his finger on the nuclear trigger to be stuck with his balls full for too long. That’s how we end up with situations like the Cuban Missile Crisis. I’ll make sure that mine are emptied regularly by willing female staff members, so I can remain cool and calm under the pressures of this office. And just so I don’t get nappy on the job, I’ll do my best to restrict these activities to the evening before I go to bed, so I can sleep soundly and restfully. But if I do succumb to temptation in the morning or afternoon, I’ll take a 20-min nap before returning to work.
In my opinion the women who perform such a service should be honored and celebrated, not demonized or condemned. I’ll even give them testimonials for any book deals they do.
In practice this isn’t any different than past Presidents, but I won’t pretend it’s not happening. I think Americans can handle the truth here; otherwise they truly deserve a President who will lie to them across the board.
Since I’m an open relationships guy, I’ll also have the option of shagging female heads of state, diplomats, journalists, etc. to foster good social relations (assuming they aren’t too crusty of course). I’ll host frequent cuddle parties in the White House too, which I think is a better alternative than threatening to bomb people or bribing them with money. I’ll even cuddle Angela Merkel if she’s up for it… just cuddling though, Angela — no tongue!
I’m not into cuddling or shagging men, but I’ll encourage my female interns to make them feel very loved just the same. I dare say my White House will become a popular place to visit.
Good sexual relations foster stronger social bonds. With stronger social bonds, the other world leaders and I can avoid conflict and cooperate more easily. This means we can create a more peaceful and prosperous planet for everyone to enjoy.
Screw the handshake stuff too. Anyone who visits me at the White House will be greeted with a nice, warm hug. Even if we’re supposedly enemies, I’m still gonna squeeze them.
9. I’ll let Canadians stay in the USA as long as they want.
Canadians are among the most loving and friendly people on earth, and it’s pretty lame to send them packing after several months due to visa limitations when they might otherwise enjoy visiting the USA for years at a stretch.
We already have a bazillion people from south of the border living here illegally, so we might as well open our northern border to balance that out. Let’s allow the Canadians to work here too. If they’re better than Americans at doing certain jobs, let them take those jobs. With a healthy Canadian slave labor force, we can more quickly transition out of a job-based economy. The Canadians will help us take our competitive game to the next level. If we can’t even compete with Canada, the Chinese will surely whip our assess.
Since Canadians are incredibly sexy too, an influx of Canadian immigrants would surely help to raise our country’s happiness index, making the USA a nicer place to live all around, eh.
To improve diplomatic relations with our northern ally, I could also take on some Canadian interns at the White House. I’ll try not to overdo it though; otherwise I won’t get any work done.
10. I’ll hire my own assassin.
I have no doubt that my policies will make me some powerful enemies and will inevitably result in my assassination. I’m cool with that. So I’ll go ahead and make the arrangements myself, and I won’t use taxpayer dollars to make it happen.
I’d like to be taken out by a sexy female ninja in a black pleather bodysuit. A few shurikens to the head ought to do it.
Just be sure to click “like” on the video clip of my death.
If you like what I stand for, then please donate liberally to help us get this campaign going. We still have a long way to go to reach our goal of raising our first $100.