Meeting in Person
Note: This page is specifically for people who are interested in meeting with me in person, not just online. If you're not interested in meeting in real life, there's no need to read this.
I enjoy meeting new people, and I make new friends easily. Since our time on earth is limited, I believe it makes sense for us to favor connections that are likely to have the greatest mutual compatibility. So this page has two primary aims:
- Encourage people with compatible desires and interests to feel confident enough to reach out and connect in person when possible
- Politely discourage meet-up invites from people with incompatible desires and expectations
The 4 Dimensions of Connection
First I'd like to share some info about different ways to connect, so we can have a common vocabulary here.
There are 4 basic ways that people can connect with each other: body, mind, heart, and spirit.
Body - Body connections include all forms of physical touch, such as hugging, cuddling, kissing, massage, sex, etc.
Mind - A mind connection involves the mental exchange of thoughts and ideas, usually through conversation. A conversation over coffee often involves this kind of sharing.
Heart - A heart connection involves the exchange of feelings. This can include sharing personal stories that help people understand each other's emotional landscape. It can also include sharing laughs, sharing desires, sharing frustrations, and even falling in love. Heart connections are often communicated via body language and tone of voice more than through the specific words used. A strong heart connection creates a sense of caring and trust.
Spirit - A spirit connection means that we help each other grow in some fashion. It can also mean that our life purposes are nicely aligned, so we're able to help each other along our paths, either directly or indirectly. Think of it as the overall flavor (or spirit) of a connection. Why are we in each other's lives? How can we help each other grow?
With different people you may connect in different ways. With a lover you may enjoy a nice body-heart connection. With a business mentor, you may experience an inspiring mind-spirit connection. With an online friend, you may delve into a mind-heart connection.
An N-dimensional connection means that two people connect on N aspects in some fashion, where N can be 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4.
So a 1-dimensional connection means that you mainly connect in just one of the four areas. That could be a casual hook-up where there's a sexual connection (+body) but no real love (-heart), no intelligent conversation (-mind), and no long-term growth aspect (-spirit). Or it could be a working relationship with a co-worker (+mind) without any special connection outside of the mostly mental working relationship (-body, -heart, -spirit). And of course there are other possibilities too.
In our relationship lives, we have the ability to attract and experience 1D, 2D, 3D, and 4D connections. There's also the chance of 0D, which means there's no real connection at all (i.e. serious incompatibility).
Generally speaking, the more dimensions that are involved, the richer the connection.
It's certainly possible to connect deeply with someone in just one or two dimensions, but when multiple dimensions are involved, there's a synergistic effect. For instance, a great heart connection often leads to a stronger mental connection because people tend to be more truthful when they like and trust each other. And a strong heart and mind connection can in turn enhance a good body connection because then people can talk openly and honestly about what they like and don't like, and they'll be more forgiving of each other's mistakes.
My Social Priorities
At this point in my life, I've been losing interest in 1D and 2D connections. I'm much more enthusiastic about 3D and 4D connections.
Those 3D and 4D connections are much richer, more fulfilling, and more energizing for me. By contrast I tend to feel more drained when I accept a lot of 1D and 2D connections.
Next I'll clarify which types of 3D and 4D connections I'm interested in experiencing. This should make it easier for you to determine if we're a good match for meeting in person. I want to make it easy for you to figure out if we're compatible in that way.
With men the best I'm going to experience is a strong 3D connection. That's because I'm not interested in body-level connections with men, but I'm happy to develop and maintain a solid mind-heart-spirit connection. I'll gladly hug my male friends, but that's as far as I want to go with them physically. This is a boundary that I have no desire to push.
When it comes to accepting invites to meet up with other men, here's what interests me:
Body - If there's a body element that's important to me with respect to men, it's that I prefer male friends that I can see in person, face to face.
I live in Las Vegas, so if you know you'll be in Vegas at some point, please do let me know, and we can meet-up if I'm in town then.
I'm fine with maintaining these relationships online as needed, after we've connected in person at least once.
Mind - I like to connect with intelligent men who enjoy having stimulating discussions. I like friends who are always learning and growing, so they always have something interesting to talk about.
Sometimes I participate in mastermind sessions with my male friends, whereby a bunch of us get together, talk about our goals and challenges, and brainstorm ways to help each other succeed. I tend to get along best with guys who value their freedom; most of my male friends do not have traditional jobs.
Heart - I like men who are in touch with their feelings. They may be masculine on the surface, but deep down they're caring and compassionate human beings. I'm not interested in connecting with guys who are heartless, apathetic, emotionally distant, aloof, dishonest, robotic, or shallow. If a guy's biggest concern is how much money he makes, what kind of car he drives, or how many women he's slept with, we're not going to connect well.
I like to support my male friends with positive encouragement and a genuine interest in their life paths. I don't fake this interest. I choose friends who are worthy of this support, so that by supporting them, I'm also supporting the positive ripples they're creating in the world.
I also like male friends who know how to have fun, especially guys with a healthy sense of humor. I enjoy playing disc golf with male friends often. While you could label this a body connection, for me it falls into the heart category since the emotional aspect is what stands out for me (i.e. having fun).
Spirit - I like men who have a strong sense of identity, purpose, honor, and integrity. They know themselves. They have good clarity about their values. They enjoy working on goals and projects that inspire them. I like helping my guy friends become better men (according to their values, not mine), and I expect them to support and encourage me on my path as well. It's important to respect my male friends as the men they are, and as the men they desire to become.
I have many strong 3D male friendships already, and I'm open to more. These types of connections are powerful, but they can be challenging as well because we hold each other accountable. I wrote an article called How to Be a Man that goes deeper into this.
I don't care how old you are; I have friends who are half my age and some who are nearly double my age. I don't care how much money you make. I don't care what color your skin is or what country you're from. I don't care if you're straight, gay, or bisexual. I don't care if you weigh 300+ pounds. If you resonate strongly with the criteria I shared above, then I welcome you as a brother.
With the addition of the body dimension, there's the potential to explore a powerful 4D connection with a woman, where we connect at the levels of body, mind, heart, and spirit. These holistic connections are the most inspiring and attractive to me. Consequently, while I'm willing to explore new 3D connections with women too, I greatly favor those with 4D potential. I love the positive intensity of 4D relationships. Please don't confuse intensity with drama though. Intensity is inspiring; drama is childish.
Body - I love connecting with women through touch. I'm a shameless cuddleslut, so I appreciate women who love to be held, especially while simultaneously connecting in other dimensions (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually). I've cuddled many women within minutes (sometimes seconds) after meeting them, so this is a very normal part of my life. I'm exceedingly comfortable cuddling with women I've just met.
For me, cuddling is part of the getting-to-know-you process. I see it as a great way to read a person's energy. When I cuddle with a woman, I can sense how comfortable she is with herself. If she feels tense or closed, it's unlikely that we'll have a good connection. If she can let go, open her heart, and allow herself to tap into that delicious state of unconditional love, then we'll probably get along very well.
I genuinely enjoy cuddling even when there's no desire to take the physical connection beyond that, so a body connection doesn't automatically imply a sexual one. If we have good chemistry, then we can explore other ways to connect physically if they feel right to us both, including cuddle-sleeping together, massage, kissing, sex, etc. But that's something I believe we can only determine in person. I wouldn't expect any woman to commit to doing something sexual together if she only knows me online. With someone I've never met, I simply keep an open mind about how our connection may evolve.
I'm much more selective with sex partners than I am with cuddle partners, so I've cuddled many women that I haven't slept with. You can find more details on this in the article How to Invite Cuddling Without Inviting Sex.
In terms of body image, many women are way too harsh on themselves. I know a number of women with model-like bodies who are still unsatisfied with how they look. Regardless of what the media tells you, please don't assume that those shallow standards matter to me. If we're a good match for each other -- if you have a pleasing personality, take reasonable care of your health, and maintain good hygiene -- there's a good chance I'll find you attractive.
Mind - I like women with whom I can share deep conversations across a variety of subjects. I especially love to connect with creative women such as writers, artists, musicians, actresses, designers, etc. I find myself fascinated and enthralled by such women, and I love getting to know them.
I love women who can introduce me to new experiences and who appreciate it when I do the same for them. There are many facets of intelligence, and I love to connect with women who are smarter than I am in some of those facets, such as women with greater musical or aesthetic intelligence than I possess. If a woman is interested in participating in a mastermind session, and if I feel she'd be an asset to the group, then of course I can invite her to participate in that as well.
I love to introduce women to my world in a big way, and I love to immerse myself in theirs. When a woman steps into a relationship with me, she's in for quite a ride. :)
Heart - What most attracts me to a woman is her heart. I love women who are kind, caring, compassionate, loving, sensitive, and affectionate. I love it when a woman can be vulnerable with me. When I connect with a very caring and sensitive woman, it's magical. When there's a strong heart alignment, we're almost guaranteed to share a strong spiritual connection too.
When other men ask me if I think a particular woman is beautiful, I can't answer until I have a chance to connect with her heart. I grew up near the beach in Los Angeles and currently live in Las Vegas, places where women with model-caliber bodies are everywhere, but many of them can be quite unattractive once you get to know them. Consequently, I'm unimpressed by what passes for physical-level beauty. I get turned on first and foremost by a woman's heart. That's the dimension of a woman that truly captivates me. I'm strongly attracted to very heart-centered women.
I definitely have a romantic side, so I love sharing experiences like long walks at night under the stars, spending a day at a museum or an amusement park, traveling to a new city together, going wine-tasting, taking an adventurous road trip, etc. This shows up in small ways too: singing to her, holding hands when we're out together, giving her a soft kiss, telling her how much I appreciate her, etc. I like women who appreciate novelty and variety as well as small tokens of affection.
I like women who radiate positive energy. They're enthusiastic about something in their lives. Usually, but not always, they're enthusiastic about their career path. I enjoy sharing my passion for personal growth and learning about other people's passions. If a woman doesn't seem passionate and enthusiastic about something in her life, we usually won't connect well together.
Spirit - I love women who have a very feminine spirit. I love it when a woman can fully surrender herself to me, letting go with total love and trust.
When a woman's spirit draws me in, the effect is almost hypnotic. I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with her, as if I recognize her on a soulful level.
Women who are good matches for me recognize me as a kindred spirit. They're drawn to my energy, even if they don't know exactly why. They know that deep down, we're supposed to dance together in some fashion. We're meant to be part of each other's lives. When this dimension is present, it's amazing.
If you feel no special attraction to my spirit, if I seem interchangeable with any other guy out there, or if this part just sounds weird to you, then we're not compatible in this dimension. But if you think we might have a unique spiritual connection to each other, I want you in my life.
A woman who's a good match for me will eventually surrender herself to the flow of our connection. She loves that feeling of letting go and trusting that our connection will lead us into amazing experiences together.
When it comes to connecting with women, I like to take my time. Rushing isn't my style. Even if she's very open with me, I want to get to know her first, and I especially like it when we can create a strong heart connection.
More Compatibility Details
Here are some other compatibility factors I can share.
Respect for my path of growth - My foremost commitment is to honoring my unfolding path of growth, happiness, and fulfillment. To me that means centering my life around 3 core fundamental principles: Truth (accepting what is), Love (owning my desires), and Power (consciously creating my reality). I strive to align myself with these principles every day. Together they serve as my compass.
These principles affect my social life greatly. I'm honest and direct in my dealings with others, and I shun connection attempts that feel mentally or emotionally manipulative. I place a high value on deep, close, intimate connections. I genuinely care about people. I need strong social support to do the work I do, and I support others who are creating positive ripples of change in the world. I actively move towards whatever inspires and excites me.
I love to learn, grow, and explore, and I love to share what I learn along the way through writing, speaking, delivering workshops, etc. It's important for me to have relationships that can support me on this path. People who'd resist my various explorations wouldn't make for very compatible friends.
Respect for my vegan lifestyle - I've been vegetarian since 1993 and vegan since 1997. Both of those choices began with experimental 30-day trials, fueled by curiosity more than anything else. I liked the results, especially the increased mental clarity, so I stuck with these habits. I don't see that changing during this lifetime. I have many non-veg friends, and I have no desire to cocoon myself in a veg-only commune. I don't go around trying to convert people to my diet, but I do expect my friends to respect my choices in this area. I've been on this path long enough that I can handle sincere questions, and occasional teasing doesn't bother me, but if it seems like you have a chip on your shoulder regarding my choice and can't accept it, we can't be friends. I also have one rule for my house in Las Vegas: If you want to eat animals, go right ahead, but you won't be bringing them into my home; lacto-ovo vegetarian foods are okay if you're a guest, but no carcasses or flesh.
Respect for my social lifestyle - I've been into open relationships since 2009. I like having multiple lovers just as I like having multiple friends. I have no desire to be exclusive right now. I like sharing quality 3D and 4D connections with multiple people. So it's important that you can accept this about me if you want to be a part of my life in some way.
Travel - I tend to have the best connections with people who love to travel. I travel a lot myself, and I have many friends in different countries. I like seeing my friends in person, so if we never end up in the same city at some point, or if there's no willingness to find ways to meet in person, then our connection is likely to fizzle. I also love sharing travel adventures with other people. I often kick off travel episodes when I'm invited to speak somewhere, and then I extend the stay and keep exploring. Many of my travel buddies are other explorer-speaker types.
For many years I've been part of a wonderful, often traveling, always exciting social circle. Most of the people in it are into open relationships as well, and the others are either leaning in that direction or are simply nonjudgmental about it. I understand and accept that this part of my lifestyle isn't what you'd call mainstream, and I'm perfectly okay with that. If you can't respect my lifestyle choices though, or if you need me to be someone other than I am, we're not compatible.
Since I first put this page online, I've received some questions from women wanting to know more about what a sexual connection could be like. And how does non-sexual touch such as cuddling eventually transition to sex if we're both interested in that? So I've added this section to share more about this topic.
First, I'm not into casual hook-ups just for sex. I love the combination of intimacy and intensity, and one-night stands are neither intimate enough nor intense enough for my tastes.
Even if a woman wants to dive into a sexual connection quickly, I prefer to make her wait a bit -- for several reasons. First, I'd rather take the time to create a stronger mind-heart-spirit connection, so that when we do get sexual, we've already established strong mutual trust, caring, and honest communication. Second, I love to take my time and share sensual but less overtly sexual forms of touch like cuddling, caressing, and massage. Third, I like it when we escalate the physical connection slowly, ideally over a period of days, so as to make sure that our hearts, minds, and spirits keep pace with our bodies. And fourth, it's fun to tease and build up the sexual tension before we act on it; anticipation is a beautiful thing.
If I like a woman and want to explore a 4D connection with her, I'll tend to give her a lot of attention during that getting-to-know-you period. I'm not going to play her off against other women or make her feel like she has competition to deal with. I believe that the beginning of an exploration with someone new is a delicate time, and I think it makes sense to respect the vulnerability of that space by focusing on each other and not cluttering our connection with potential drama and distraction.
My sexual style could be described as a combination of tantra and D/s play. It all comes down to learning how to sense, move, and intensify emotional energy. This means not being in a hurry.
Suppose a woman and I spend some time cuddling together. During that time I may or may not detect some sexual tension between us. If I don't sense anything there, then we'll just cuddle. But if I do sense something there, I may point it out to her and let her acknowledge it too (often girlishly).
I'm not into pick-up routines or manipulative seduction techniques. I believe that men and women are naturally attracted to each other and that co-creating good sexual experiences is easy. I never pick up random women on the street. I meet amazing women just by living my life. Women are everywhere. Meeting them is easy and effortless.
My current approach to sexual connections largely comes down to keeping my energy open and inviting and letting women come to me. This is the reality I've created for myself. When a woman steps through that doorway, I will play with and amplify her sexual energy to the extent she desires that. This isn't done in with dishonesty or deception (never never never). A woman I connect with is always complicit in what we're exploring together.
I love to go slow. I love to enjoy that delicious feeling of sexual and emotional energy building and swirling -- and without releasing it too soon.
Once it's clear that a woman is interested in exploring a sexual connection, I don't just take her to the bedroom and have sex. Instead I invite her into such an exploration slowly and patiently.
Here's some of what this can entail:
- Noticing the sexual energy between us
- Pointing out the sexual tension, and inviting her to acknowledge it
- Letting her catch me giving her lustful looks
- Caressing her sensually while we cuddle
- Lightly running my nails up the back of her neck and the base of her scalp
- Running my hands over her body so softly that she gets goosebumps
- Planting tender kisses all over her body
- Playing my favorite sensual Depeche Mode songs and singing to her while I gaze deeply into her eyes
- Cuddle-sleeping with her at night, usually with her topless
- Kissing her, softly and sensually at first, then more passionately
- Guessing at some of her naughty fantasies, and describing them to her in vivid detail, knowing that she'll visualize them
- Giving her a full-body massage, including her breasts and sometimes more
- Pointing out how wet she's getting when I massage certain parts of her
- Kissing her breasts and slowly circling my tongue around her nipples, then sucking on them
- Slowly sliding a finger inside her and teasing her g-spot
- Caressing and kissing her inner thighs, then her outer lips
- Giving her oral sex really slowly and lightly
- Bringing her close to orgasm while telling her she's not allowed to cum
- Getting her dripping wet and then telling her that she has to hold onto that energy all day
- Telling her that she's not allowed to play with herself or cum on her own (and making her promise she won't)
- Telling her in vivid detail some very sexual things I desire to do with her
- Hinting that I'm eventually going to enter her, but giving her no indication as to when
- Getting her turned on repeatedly and then moving the energy back into our hearts and holding her lovingly
- Whispering very sexual desires into her ear when we're out in public together and she can't act on them
- Sending her naughty emails, and telling her she has to read them X times throughout the day, while reminding her that she isn't allowed to play with herself or cum
- When we're ready, having intercourse slowly for more than an hour, teasing up and building the sexual energy between us
- Bringing her close to orgasm during sex, commanding her not to cum, and not letting her slow down, while whispering very naughty scenes into her ear
It's all about building up and playing with the sexual energy flow without releasing it prematurely. Then when the release does finally happen, it's mind-blowingly intense and powerful.
There's a lot more I could share about this, including what happens after having sex the first time and when we get deep into D/s role-playing, but this should give you the general idea.
A 4D connection makes this kind of experience even more delicious and wonderful. Since we connect with the mind, our communication is honest, direct, and authentic. With good communication and feedback, I can learn what she likes and get better at turning her on and easing her down again, thereby greatly enhancing her pleasure. With a good heart connection, she knows that I like her and care about her, she trusts me and I trust her, and she's able to fully surrender. With a good spirit connection, we both recognize that we're coming together to play with the energy flow between us and to see what deliciousness we can co-create. With all of these aspects working synergistically, we take pleasure in each other's pleasure.
If a woman can't reach the point of trust and surrender, I normally won't feel turned on by her, so those women aren't good matches for me sexually. I don't expect women to do that up front; that part normally happens later. But if a woman has already ruled out the possibility of such surrender, I'll pass. I prefer women who enjoy exploring and expressing their submissive side.
Likewise if a woman would rather stick with plain vanilla sex, I wish her the best in finding a compatible partner, but it won't be me. I'd rather invest in connections with women who are willing to explore something more exciting, emotional, and intense.
I'm also a student of sexuality. I love to connect with women who can teach me something. Cross-pollinating ideas is wonderful.
I love the sensuality, playfulness, and intensity of a D/s connection. I'm not into most other aspects of BDSM though. Bondage doesn't really do anything for me; I usually find it tedious and boring. And S&M (sadism and masochism) is a turnoff. If you're into physical pain, I respect your choice, but I don't consent to that type of experience.
What about threesomes? I certainly like those, but I prefer not to dive into that kind of experience with someone new right away. I'd rather develop a good one-on-one connection first, and then if that works well, we can discuss the possibility of a threesome if that's something you'd like to explore too. If I think you'd be a good match for a threesome with me and another woman I know, we can make it happen. Just be aware that I'm only into FFM threesomes (two women plus me). If you want to explore another kind, that's wonderful, but I won't be participating.
Despite sharing so much detail about what I like, I am often surprised. Every connection is unique, and nothing is formulaic. I don't follow any sort of script or agenda. I'm very good at going with the flow and being in the moment, and I like it that way. If I try to pre-plan something, life has a tendency to break those plans. Consequently, I've learned not to be attached to outcomes.
How do I feel about connecting with a woman who already has a partner? It's a non-issue; connecting with such women has been a normal part of my life for years. That said, if get the sense that I'd be stepping into a drama trap, such as if there's a jealous boyfriend or husband in the picture, I'd prefer to keep my distance. I don't need a woman to be single, but I do want her to be free to connect without unreasonable consequences.
I'm also up for connecting with women who are just stepping into a conscious exploration of open relationships. I've done this on multiple occasions. Such women often want to take things slow and with no pressure to do anything in particular. They like being gently invited into new experiences, but they want to keep one finger hovering over the pause button in case they need to slow down and process what's happening. They're feeling out whether this path makes sense to them. I have a lot of respect for women who want to connect on this basis. I was there myself a number of years ago, and connecting with people who patiently let me feel my way forward without pressuring me to do anything in particular was incredibly helpful. I've made some good friends this way too.
I could share many more pages about this, but hopefully you now have a sense of what I like, and you can decide whether or not we're likely to be compatible. If you find this type of connection enticing, well... the door is open.
If you think we'd be a good match for meeting up in person based on what I shared here, you can get in touch via my contact form. Please let me know that you've read this page, and tell me about your interest in meeting up.