Empathy Distress

[m18pak]

Empathy distress is defined as an aversive feeling contingent on another's physical, emotional, or economic distress. It is when the pain of others causes you pain.

It can also become emotionally crippling when some crisis in the world touches you deeply and yet you feel helpless to do anything meaningful, to really make a difference.

Have any of you ever felt this? Have you ever felt guilty for not being able to do more, like you were responsible in some way?

I think I have a problem in that I lack the basic sense of self that is needed to not get overwhelmed by the pain of others. Normal people seem to have an innate level of cheerfulness and self-respect that allows them to help others and still take adequate care of themselves, but I sometimes have this fear that if I was to really empathize with and get involved in helping others I would neglect myself to the point of self-destruction. Just giving 10% of my money wouldn't be enough, I'd need to give 90% or maybe even 100%.

I mean, for most of my life I've been a relatively cold and selfish person, but about a year ago there was this moment when my heart really, truly bled for another's pain. And it made me sad in a way that I had never experienced before and never want to again. It was honestly the worst three days of my life. I felt such unbearable sorrow and pain. I mean, I've never lost a loved one but I'm pretty sure that that's how it would feel. Worse, even.

The experience was so horrible that I literally blanked out the cause of my empathy distress. I forced it out of my mind because I never wanted to feel that way again. Ever. I didn't do anything; I just went on like nothing had happened. I couldn't take it. Just the memory of the pain was too painful for me to think about again.

So yes, I guess I am a bleeding heart. I guess I always have been, only I was too busy being angry and bitter before to take a look around at how the rest of the world was doing.

So I guess my question is: how you help others yet "ignore" their pain so that you can still live your own life and pursue your own happiness?

I mean, my understanding is that true, unconditional love is pure objectivity (the sort that angels have for us), but I just don't get it. I know I must be doing it wrong somehow though, because I can intuitively sense that caring about others shouldn't cause you pain and misery.

The world issue I talked about was the trafficking of women into sexual slavery, especially women from Western Europe countries that were former Soviet Union blocs. The economic situation in these countries like Moldova and Romania is so poor that people are basically desperate and will do anything for money in order to survive, which explains the rampart corruption that allows these trafficking rings to operate with virtual impunity and ensures a steady supply of young women who are duped into believing that they are leaving their homes for legitimate jobs like waitresses etc. I don't remember how I stumbled upon it but I read these articles on the internet and...just these stories about how 18-yr-old girls were gang raped as part of their "breaking in" and other atrocities really cut me up inside.

What's worse is that this sort of thing has been happening since the 60s and this is considered to be the 4th wave globally. What's even worse is that there's very little being done about this. We're talking about convicted traffickers regularly getting sentences of community service and rescued women being deported immediately as illegal immigrants so that they don't even get the opportunity to testify against the people that did this to them.

If you want to read more about it you can just type in "sex slavery" into Google.

You can make donations at these sites too if you're interested:

Donate | Eaves
International Justice Mission - Give Today

Anyway thanks for reading. I know this hasn't been a very cheerful post.

[Fullcrum]

To answer your question, you do not hide the pain, but feel it more deeply, go into it, and know that it is there. There is one fundamental difference between you and the pain that you feel divorced of any physical pain - you are real. It is not. Realize this. The emotions - a label - simply are. If you hold your attention on the feeling, and I mean HOLD your attention on them without any mental commentary, judgement, interpretation, labels, or added feelings, simply allowing them to be - maybe for hours at a time - something different will arise. Space.

Please do not analyze this answer with the "lens" of your experience - just try it. Try it first and see how it works. You are real - the pain is not. The pain is simply interpretation felt in the body.

Alternatively: Do an extremely intense workout that leaves you feeling really good. Then drink a really healthy smoothie (I recommend a green smoothie of some sort). Then do what I said above - it might make it easier.

[m18pak]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

To answer your question, you do not hide the pain, but feel it more deeply, go into it, and know that it is there. There is one fundamental difference between you and the pain that you feel divorced of any physical pain - you are real. It is not. Realize this. The emotions - a label - simply are. If you hold your attention on the feeling, and I mean HOLD your attention on them without any mental commentary, judgement, interpretation, labels, or added feelings, simply allowing them to be - maybe for hours at a time - something different will arise. Space.

Please do not analyze this answer with the "lens" of your experience - just try it. Try it first and see how it works. You are real - the pain is not. The pain is simply interpretation felt in the body.

Alternatively: Do an extremely intense workout that leaves you feeling really good. Then drink a really healthy smoothie (I recommend a green smoothie of some sort). Then do what I said above - it might make it easier.

I'm sorry I don't quite understand you. Are you saying that I should be in the moment and stay conscious instead of identifying with the pain?

[Fullcrum]

Yes - however you want to phrase it. You got it. Those are just words though until you actually take a good look at the "pain" and remain present while feeling the pain.

My words really can't do it justice . Hahaha. You just have to stay present.

[m18pak]

Yeah see that's the thing. You seem quite fine with all the stuff I talked about, like you can just shrug it off and carry on fine with your own life. What is it about you that lets you stay so detached? You don't even need to stay present and conscious because you don't feel any empathy distress in the first place.

To be fair I'm guessing that you haven't read the stories that I have so the horror of it probably isn't in your mind, but still.

I don't know, maybe I am just a person of abnormal sensitivity.

[Fullcrum]

F*** no - I am quite the sensitive soul myself. Presence has worked for countless instances in my life both with different negativity "bombarding" me in all directions and personally hairy situations. I (think) I know how you feel. It's only a forum - I don't REALLY know how you feel, because words don't do feelings justice. Whenever that stuff comes up for me, I remain present. If it's really POWERFUL or negative or whatever I have to remain present longer. Sometimes for many minutes at a time of conscious and intense presence. But it eventually floats away. And it's not like you'll lack the motivation to act. You'll still see the emotion, it just won't paralyze you.

When you say "the horror of it probably isn't in your mind," that's precisely it - it's in your MIND. I want you to put it into your body, where you can better feel it. Move your attention into the body when "thinking" of this stuff.

Can you link to a particular story?

[m18pak]

I see, so the solution is to accept how you feel and to deal with the negative emotional energy generated by transmuting it.

Can you tell me more about how you "move it into the body"?

Rescued From Sex Slavery, 48 Hours Goes Undercover Into The International Sex Slave Trade - CBS News

I guess I always have been an empathic person. I was just too absorbed in my own problems to notice it before.

[Fullcrum]

I read the story. Wow.

I can honestly say that directing awareness into the body will reduce the negative emotions you feel.You move into the body by directing your awareness into it. Like, right now, stop, slooooow down, become aware of your hands. Just become aware of them.

You'll find after a few moments they might start to feel warm, or you'll feel them vibrating very slightly. And your mind will quiet. Do this similarly for other parts of your body, like head, feet, toes, abdomen, chest, back, up the spine, etc. and then the whole body together. It's simple and basic stuff but hopefully will help .

[m18pak]

You know if you want you can make a donation. The links are in my 1st post.

[coberst]

I think that the only way we can affect the things that happen as m18 speaks of is to become self-actualizing self-learners. If enough people become self-actualizing self-learners we can, as a group, begin to have an effect on what is going on in the world.

I am a retired engineer with 25 years of what I call self-actualizing self-learning. All of this leads me to conclude that if the citizens of democracies do not become significantly more intellectually sophisticated quickly our civilization is unlikely to survive the next 200 years.

Our educational institutions are controlled by those who do not find it to be in their interest to have intellectually sophisticated citizens and thus we cannot depend upon our educational institutions for a solution to our problem.

The solution can happen only when a significant percentage of our citizens become self-actualizing self-learners. I post in an effort to further that possibility by introducing new ideas to our citizens. I hope to arouse the critical capacity of our citizens to the point that they turn to the books and become self-actualizing self-learners too.