| |||||||
| Register | FAQ | Members List | Calendar | Search | Today's Posts | Mark Forums Read |
| Steve Pavlina Discuss ideas, articles, and podcasts from StevePavlina.com. New threads are automatically generated for Steve's latest blog posts. |
|
Welcome to the Personal Development for Smart People Forums, the place for lively, intelligent discussion of all personal growth issues -- physical, mental, financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and more. You're currently viewing as a guest, which gives you limited read-only access. By joining our free community, you'll be able to post your own messages, access many members-only features, see the new messages posted since your last visit, and of course remove this header message. Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please join today. If you arrived here from a search engine, you may want to explore the main site first, which includes hundreds of deep and insightful articles on a variety of personal development topics. |
 |
| | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
08-16-2007, 03:00 AM
| |||
| |||
 Life Sucks, Then You Die (Blog)      |
|
08-16-2007, 03:20 AM
| |||
| |||
| Awesome Post! Great post, Steve... maybe we *can* compare notes on who's life was worse later.  Naw, never mind... don't have time for that anymore... I loved the analogy of not blaming the car because it won't go through the tree. I'd just add that it's also useless to "blame" the driver. Why even waste time with that? Just change the approach. So much time and energy is wasted looking for someone to blame - even if we are wasting that time and energy on blaming ourselves and sitting in that self-pity, just like you said. It's good to know that there's a better way.  |
|
08-16-2007, 03:28 AM
| |||
| |||
| I can see it now... there will be the... "Yea, but, Steve, you don't understand... I've got a real problem... and it's not my fault..." cases where only a stick of dynamite will do the job... But there will also be the, "Yup, Steve is right... I've been a sloppy driver... time to change..." and, those are the cats who will make it... Great blog... very inspiring... and very true...  . |
|
08-16-2007, 03:30 AM
| |||
| |||
| Thanks Steve – this is just what I needed to hear today. A big kick-in-the-butt reminder! I especially like this idea: Quote:
__________________ Claire – Living Simply in the Dandenong Ranges 2008 Primary Focus: Fitness |
|
08-16-2007, 03:37 AM
| |||
| |||
| This really resonated with me. I've been reading this site for a long time and I could not have explained how I feel and have been feeling for awhile now any better. I am twenty-five years old, entering my third year in college working towards my B.S. in Computer Science. I have been married for about a year now although we have been together going on about five years. I also have a fifteen month old son who I love very much. The problem is I spend most of my time waiting for the day to end. I don't look forward to starting a new day, most of the time I can't stand to be home. It seems like no matter how hard I try I can't keep my place straightened out. My office is okay as it is the room I spend most of my time in, but I feel like I have to pull teeth to get my wife to do anything. Her biggest accomplishment as far as house cleaning goes is doing the dishes and sweeping the floor. I do these things everyday and I almost always mop the floors as well ( possibly every two days). Let me clarify, my apartment is not dirty just cluttered. It can be expected to have toys and what not around and I'm fine with that, and I have gone through a lot of my own stuff and have gotten rid of quite a bit and organized most everything else. I just can't seem to get my wife to care. I am also really stressed out about school as well. I am in school full time this summer and don't know when I last had a break. I just want to get through the rest of it and be done with it. I have thought about divorce over and over for a long time now. I feel like the traditional family life just isn't for me. I am not abdicating myself of responsibility, I just don't want to drag a bad situation on longer. The problem with all of this is, I just don't know how to handle any of it. Neither of us makes enough money to live on our own and if I did get a divorce, most likely she will be forced to move back home to her parents across the country and I really don't want to be away from my son. It is easy to say to leave a situation if you don't like it, and I've been trying to change things, but I am still not growing to like it, but when there are kids involved what do you do? I am starting to ramble a lot now and even if no one reads all this, it felt good to get it out. I hope that I didn't come off as whiny, it wasn't my intention. I know everybody has their problems and I know mine probably aren't the biggest problems out there, but they are problems that are affecting me greatly. Thanks. |
|
08-16-2007, 04:38 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
If you cannot go over these relatively small hurdles... your life will be a very long and painful affair... You have a future, you have food and shelter... you have your health... there is nothing more than you can ask for... I wish you the very best... and hope that you will take the right decisions... but you... and you alone can do that... . |
|
08-16-2007, 06:16 AM
| |||
| |||
| I'm with Steve on all the points he made except for the definition of true surrender. He described it as a deepening of responsibility without giving up control. He also mentioned letting go of your resistance to life. Both of these issues are fine and agree with the Buddhist concept of surrender. I think he confuses the point by mentioning cooperation with a greater good. While it's something that's also beneficial, it isn't required for true surrender. So they are really two separate points, surrender to the reality of whatever situation you find yourself in, and acceptance of your responsibility towards the greater good. One doesn't require the other, though they can be combined. A minor distinction, but an important one I think. But it doesn't detract from another great article. Oh, one more thing. The suggestion to make changes if things aren't working is a good one, even if they're radical changes. But when doing so be prepared for things to go radically wrong... But if it does, as Steve said, never give up. Sort it out then try something else. Casey, you say you've been thinking about divorce, and yet the only problem you've mentioned is a cluttered house, and your wife's reluctance to help with housework. For your sake I'll assume either there's a lot more to it or you've got some ingrained issue with tidiness. If it's the former we'll need more info before being able to give anything more than very general advice (I'd suggest starting a new thread in the Relationships forum). If it's the latter then perhaps you could work on accepting clutter and seeing that it's not such a bad thing (again, start a thread if you'd like advice on that).
__________________ Take a stroll down The Winding Path and let me know what you think of the scenery. |
|
08-16-2007, 06:38 AM
| |||
| |||
| When you align with a higher power (god/consciousness/whatever) you don't give up control, you actually take control. People are victims when they work from ego, from all the human senses and emotions. While they are necessary to sense and feel the joy of creation, they tend to go off on a powwer trip and stuff the creation up. When we back off from ego, don't asign or align oursleves with it, the creative flow just flows better. It's never about taking a back seat to creation, it's about taking a front seat to enjoy the show. Max |
|
08-16-2007, 09:23 AM
| |||
| |||
| Life is a car, but I can't drive... Quote:
While it's not a common point of view seen on this website, I guess since the worst-off people never get to this website, and the people who are where I've been (and could be) emotionally are not very articulate on their experiences, the truth is that there are a lot of people who don't go through mere periods of suicide or boredom, but are born into those negative emotions and never get out, have no idea how to get out and no one has ever, nor ever will tell them, about LoA. I lived my whole life like that, until last January when, by no impressive means, I stumbled upon the notion of intention-manifestation--and I'm still thinking it may have been too little too late for me. Nobody tells you you are in control of your life. Nobody. And your life experiences point to the contrary, especially when you are at the emotional mercy of people who mentally abuse you 24/7 throughout your entire life from birth. I have wallowed my fair share in self-pity and more than average in plans for killing myself over the past 20 years. I've even done research on how I want to kill myself, so as not to fail if and when I do it. I have unsuccessfully spent my life trying to change this--nobody wants that kind of existence. Steve, you left one key point out of your "take action" solution. I have in fact taken action in attempts to change my situation to get out of the suicidal inclinations (not a fleeting period, but a 20-year (and counting) state--it's always a viable option in my mind, but it's not my first choice), to get to a state where I can enjoy life. My whole adult life consists of actions I have taken in attempts to change my situation. The problem is, when you are born into sh*t, you live your life in it, you ... I sit in my life, miserable, I take action, I move to this country, that country, I change scenes, I change cultures, I find new people the world over--yet, because I don't even know how to drive in the first place, I keep crashing. I have taken action. I have done more things in my 39 years than lots of people do by the time they're old and gray, and crazy things, at least I'll admit to this most recent one being crazy, things people will tell me are impossible and I can't do or I am stupid for doing, or I will die or get hurt doing (hasn't happened yet). No matter what new thing I set out on, a relationship, friendship or a new country, society, culture, whatever, the results always ended up catastrophic. Taking action=more catastrophe. Taking action to get out of your misery is not the only element of the solution to your suicidal, bored etc. state. (Maybe it would work for boredom, but it doesn't work for suicide/severe depression.) If the other element is learning how to drive (if life must be a car) my problem is I don't even know how or where to learn to drive.
__________________ Mild Charity's glow, to us mortals below, Shows the soul from barbarity clear, Compassion will melt where this virtue is felt, And its dew is diffused in a Tear. - Lord Byron, "The Tear" |
|
08-16-2007, 10:24 AM
| |||
| |||
| You can learn to drive Bitsy - thank you for having the courage to come here and share so openly. I understand exactly how you feel. I have struggled with depression my entire life, fantasized about and attempted suicide, and physically hurt myself. I have dealt with the self-loathing, the apathy, and the anxiety. I have woken up mornings terrified to face myself and the world, barely able to function and wondering why I even bothered. I can tell you unequivocally - IT IS NOT TOO LATE. First, don't be afraid to try medication. After a lifetime of drowning in emotional overload, it is no shame to need a little help getting started. If you are seriously considering harming yourself, please talk to someone. I guarantee the feeling will pass and you won't regret sticking around. Second, it takes time -probably years - to move beyond the emotional and mental ruts that have been created by the depression you struggled with. You will have to persevere through more dark days as you train your mind and emotions in a new way of being. This kind of growth comes in stages. I wish I could tell you that there was some "Easy Button" to push, but there isn't. I can only offer you my own story as hope. I have survived, and am in the midst of my own recovery. Life is incredible and filled with joy and opportunity. Trust me; if you keep pushing forward, you will find the life, love and joy you are looking for. |
|
08-16-2007, 11:23 AM
| |||
| |||
| Not bad, just blah I'm well aware of the fact that I am in control of where I am going, but currently there are 2 issues: I don't really know where else I want to go right now, and life isn't really BAD right now, just blah. I'm in a maintain phase at the moment, a gestation period if you will. For example, I think I might need to move to another city, but I like my current job pretty well - frankly better than any job I've ever had. I've been there for 3 years, and next year they will be going public and it could really help me financially if I hang on here for 1 more year. I was in a long, exhausting, dysfunctional marriage - I moved out over 2 years ago, and got divorced a year and a half ago. I have been trying to cope with that major change; it feels akin to swimming up from the bottom of the ocean, trying to surface. I dated for a while, but now I'm sick of the meaninglessness of that, fed up with the men I was meeting, and not really ready to handle the "something significant" that I desire anyway. So right now, there is almost no movement. At least not on a significant level. I am making a real effort for the first time in my life to control what I eat and drink, to improve my health, but frankly I find this boring and tedious so there's not really any particular joy emanating from that feeling of control. How do you deal with these periods of stasis? Where your life is gestating and you feel swollen and cranky and immobile, but don't want to abort the baby? |
|
08-16-2007, 11:23 AM
| |||
| |||
| Winyourmind, thank you for your kind and understanding reply. Don't worry, I'm not technically suicidal right now. I've been 20 years like that, to lesser and greater extents, but I haven't done it. I said it was too late, because I don't know if I have the will anymore to do what at this point would be required. We'll see. I don't care too much anymore one way or the other. I'm better off than lots of people in some way, especially among those who are suicidal, for what that's worth. 20 years, because, as I said, I don't know how. Many times I have thought I don't know how to live in this world. I mean it literally. And I only found that out when I left the family at age 20. And no one to teach me how to survive here--no one to teach me how to "drive." I tried by myself all that I possibly knew to try. (Shrinks didn't help a bit.) And I'm still trying, to the extent that my will (referred to above) goes. As you sustain injury upon injury from all the repeated crashes, your will to live and make efforts wanes accordingly. Don't worry, though, I'm ok at the moment . Although I feel like I found this site and LoA way too late, it has helped a lot. Time will tell what happens. For the record, in my first post, I also speak for other people with similar life experiences, and worse, and who I don't think would make it to this website.
__________________ Mild Charity's glow, to us mortals below, Shows the soul from barbarity clear, Compassion will melt where this virtue is felt, And its dew is diffused in a Tear. - Lord Byron, "The Tear" Last edited by Bitsy : 08-16-2007 at 02:30 PM. |
|
08-16-2007, 11:32 AM
| |||
| |||
| I think one should also consider the possibility that the dashboard display is indeed broken. This blog entry focusses on physical action, but it may also be necessary to review your thinking and the emotions that follow. Is it really necessary to feel bad? (cognitive therapy comes to mind) Action isn't the only way to change your life. The other part is challenging and changing your perception and attitude towards it. I think both should go together to create the best results. |
|
08-16-2007, 11:33 AM
| |||
| |||
| My absolute favorite development blog quote ever: "It's not spiritual. It's not divine. It's just dumb." BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm seriously crying over here... Oh man, come to the dark side Steve. You know it would be a HOOOT |
|
08-16-2007, 11:41 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
Last edited by dalang : 08-16-2007 at 11:48 AM. |
|
08-16-2007, 11:46 AM
| |||
| |||
| Casey it occured to me that your wifes not caring about your living environment is an external manifestation of you not caring about your internal environment. Start caring about your life on the inside, and by that I mean showing up, being fully present in the moment and experiencing joy rather than just waiting for each day to end and dreading the next day. I would be willing to bet money that when you made that internal change your wife's messiness would no longer be an issue. I'm sure Steve blogged about this very issue about how erin's untidiness reflected something inside him that was messy and as soon as he sorted it out internally, erin tidied the house! (I'm paraphrasing here!) Good luck. |
|
08-16-2007, 12:16 PM
| |||
| |||
| Thanks for all the replies, I am afraid I am just not going to be able to keep up with them. In rereading what I wrote I can see where everyone is coming from. There are deeper issues with myself and in my relationship with my wife that I just didn't have the space to touch upon. I came off as overly fixated on this tidiness aspect which I realize is a small part. I will think through everyone's suggestions as I am not sure if I will be posting too much more on this subject. Thanks! |
|
08-16-2007, 12:30 PM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
FYI - being really depressed or suicidal does not mean shunning the responsibility for your situation, as Shamou indicated. I don't ever remember thinking "and it's not my fault". On the contrary, one is more often laden with self-blame and guilt, which contributes greatly to the depression and self-loathing. So blaming the suicidal person even further is really nasty and puts them even farther down. P.S. Casey - the blog entry Holistic Star is referring to is this one: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...relationships/ You could read it and try it out.
__________________ Mild Charity's glow, to us mortals below, Shows the soul from barbarity clear, Compassion will melt where this virtue is felt, And its dew is diffused in a Tear. - Lord Byron, "The Tear" Last edited by Bitsy : 08-16-2007 at 12:39 PM. |
|
08-16-2007, 12:52 PM
| |||
| |||
| "No one is coming to rescue you. It’s all you. If your life currently sucks, it’s entirely up to you to change it." Wow, did I need to read this today. I have been pretty depressed about my life, I trying to get over the belief that I am a born loser. It seems that every decision I have ever made has been a bad one. Finding about PD has completely opened a new world for me, that I actually have control over my life. Its kind of overwhelming. Here is my but, what do you do about marriage and kids. I mean, now that I am seeing things more clearly there are things about my marriage that are not ok with me and that I can't believe I accepted. But I have small children so every decision I make affects them, I can't just do what I want because it can have severe repercussions on their life. I do realize that does not give me the excuse of doing nothing. My top three areas of change are changing my diet and starting to exercise, getting my life on a schedule and figuring out how to increase my income. No more excuses for not getting started. |
|
08-16-2007, 01:12 PM
| |||
| |||
| Just One Thing Steve! Wow! Very inspiring!! Thanks for this article. The biggest moment so far for me in my own development is when I realized... really, really, realized... that *I* am responsible for this life. As you say, "No one is coming to rescue you. It’s all you." AND what I've found is that when I do take small steps forward, all types of things happen and forces come together to support that decision. If anyone's feeling overwhelmed at the amount of change suggested, remember it can start with baby-steps. For me, it was showering and brushing my teeth every day, no matter what. (I know, I know... I was in a *very* dark place!) If you want to change your diet, start by adding in one fresh vegetable every Tuesday. You can do more if you want, but *commit* to that vegetable on Tuesday. No matter what. A helpful book in this regard is One Small Step Can Change Your Life, which describes why sometimes large, sweeping changes trigger our defense mechanisms, but teeny-tiny changes get in "under the radar" so to speak. Just for today, what one thing can I do in the direction of change? Gassho ~ |
|
08-16-2007, 01:31 PM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
All I wanted to express with my post is, that this fear shouldn't be mistaken for unwillingness. I'm curious why I picked up this hint of sarcasm i |