Just Frakkin Hug Me (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Just Frakkin Hug Me

[Le Roi]

Loved the post! I've gone without a hug for almost 2 weeks now and after having it daily for many many months, I've been missing it! It reminds me of when I used to go a long time without hugs. I'll be getting a hug tonight, and I'm looking forward to that.

I love the idea of hugging everyone I meet instead of shaking hands though. That'll be like Daan.

BTW, I'm in that picture in the background. To everyone who may not know, it's easy to recognize me. I'm the one in the King's outfit with a golden robe and a crown way in the back. Yup, even Kings are huggable. .

[Cado]

Funny, it tends to weird me out when people are overly huggy. It might be because I associate it with artificial expressions of joy and acceptance, ie a lot of people who do it are trying too hard, but the other part of it is personal space. If somebody can't respect my personal space or doesn't bother to wait for me to signal that I'm okay with it then it feels disrespectful to me.

The exception is, of course, anyone I'm already familiar with, or women. I don't think I ever mind hugs from women. I may not like the woman in question or spend any time with her after that but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it.

[freddy]

Well in your field most people may know you already and would be more open to this hug idea.Or there comming to one of your events type set up. But bring that idea out on most construction sites, and you would be looking for a beating. I like the idea myself. Just that I don't think it would fit in at many locations, I come across every day. Do you hug every one who you walk by, or just people who you would normally offer to shake their hand?

[newmark]

Yes Steve, but would you give a frakkin hug to Sarah Palin, George Bush, Muuamar Gaddafi, or the ghosts of Mao Tse Tung, Stalin or Hitler.

[Asten]

*Hug*

[Elfwing]

I dreamed the other night that Steve was sad and I kept saying he needed a hug but didn't give him one. O.o

I've only had a few hugs in the last few years and they tend to make me uncomfortable, and yet at the same time I want them. Very contradictory place to be.

[Johnny Metal]

I'd hug Morty Lefkoe too.

This Sunday morning I sat on a sidewalk with a street cat I hang out with, closed my eyes, and as people were passing by, I was able to pinpoint one belief and two conditionings that were making me cringe when I thought the people were making a negative judgement about me. I used Lefkoe Method to decondition the negative programming, and then I drove around with a friend while blasting punk rock real loud, singing, playing air instruments, and just being extremely loud and silly in public; I did not cringe once when people put their attention on me.

Uncle Morty is awesome!

[Cochonette]

Perfect timing for this post, Steve. I am getting huggier and huggier these days. I LOVE the idea of declining their handshake for a hug! My date the other night told me she thought that handshakes were cold. It took me a minute to comprehend what she was saying because that had never occurred to me before. I always liked shaking people's hands. But, compared to a hug, I can understand how that would be true.

[Mariana Trench]

This post made me grin from ear to ear. I love people like this, but like to get a vibe before I hug someone. I've freaked out people like ca-ray-zee before. And I love when people use profanity to express how much they want affection: even--no, especially--Trek profanity.

[jellybeanpimp]

I never understood why we are taught to be so anti-touch in America. Half of my family is very American (born here, raised here, etc.) and the other half of my family is northern Italian. The Italian side is much more "touchy feely". Even the men, especially the older men (all straight except for me) will kiss each other on the cheek to greet one another. I have difficulty accepting just a hug from almost anyone unless they really, really know me or I'm in a relationship with them.

[Andreas]

Originally Posted by newmark

Yes Steve, but would you give a frakkin hug to Sarah Palin, George Bush, Muuamar Gaddafi, or the ghosts of Mao Tse Tung, Stalin or Hitler.

I'd give a hug to any of the first three if they asked and were genuinely open/inviting.

And you're funny. The other ones don't count. You can't hug a ghost

[Sbonn]

HUGS!! I have been giving digital hugs online for as long as I have been on the web

I grew up with the belief ( thank goodness) that everyone could use three hugs a day..

Right now I find myself in a place where in person hugs are not forthcoming too often and I miss it very much..

I just wanted to share

Sbonn

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by jellybeanpimp

I never understood why we are taught to be so anti-touch in America. Half of my family is very American (born here, raised here, etc.) and the other half of my family is northern Italian. The Italian side is much more "touchy feely". Even the men, especially the older men (all straight except for me) will kiss each other on the cheek to greet one another. I have difficulty accepting just a hug from almost anyone unless they really, really know me or I'm in a relationship with them.

It's just a cultural thing.

In most of Europe, people will routinely hug and kiss.

In Japan, they go for bows.

In Bangladesh, men will hold hands and walk together in the streets. Straight men.

Then there is the kunik (nose rubbing)

[Le Roi]

Originally Posted by Elfwing

I've only had a few hugs in the last few years and they tend to make me uncomfortable, and yet at the same time I want them. Very contradictory place to be.

I used to be there! I absolutely love hugs, but yet totally didn't like getting it from most people. So, with my lover and very close friends, I'd be so incredibly huggy-huggy, yet most everyone else I'd be very cold and non-huggable.

What I found out was that part of it when it comes to the 5 languages of love, I most resonate with the physical touch language. That is, to touch someone communicates love for me, and same with being touched. It's not romantic love, but it's much more of that universal sense of love. So if I get hugged, to me it feels loving and replenish my sense of love.

Yet I also found out I didn't like it toward people outside of a small group of lovers/close friends because I had a huge fear related to allowing myself to being loved by other people - it scared the crap out of me unless it was by my lover and very close friends.

So, allowing myself to be hugged by others would mean that I was exposing myself to love, which would then scare the crap out of me. Thus I'd be very automatically cold and non-receptive to hugs from most people.

Once I resolved that problem (and it took me a long time before I realized what the problem was), and let go of that fear, I became a whole lot more huggable and I started enjoying hugs from a lot more people!

So, you may have something like that, some deep fear/button about what a hug means, yet you feel so pulled toward it. Once you find out what that fear/button is, and you're able to let go and change it, then voila, man, you'll be able to enjoy a lot more hugs. .

(Not that I'm at the level of where Steve is at - far from it. However, I'm inspired by his post and will see if I can increase my daily hugs!)

[Cado]

Originally Posted by Le Roi

What I found out was that part of it when it comes to the 5 languages of love, I most resonate with the physical touch language. That is, to touch someone communicates love for me, and same with being touched. It's not romantic love, but it's much more of that universal sense of love. So if I get hugged, to me it feels loving and replenish my sense of love.

I think that for me physical contact is very special and it shows a fondness which goes beyond respect or friendship. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love or that I would call that person my lover, but it is something I'd put into its own category. That's probably why I don't mind so much with women, even if I don't know them all that well, because so often it'll go a bit deeper-even to the point of sexual intimacy-and I'll be perfectly comfortable with that regardless of whether or not I have any long-term inclinations toward the person.

When it comes to men I don't want hugs. I don't want to give them, I don't want to get them. I don't see it as being standoffish because it doesn't feel that way. It feels like there's an added fire, like we are there to temper each other and we show respect in different ways. There's a time to embrace but only when we can stand as brothers, and then it's usually reserved for victory or tragedy.

But again, as a general rule touchy-feely people creep me right the **** out. So many people do this kind of thing because they're trying too hard, or they've joined a cult. Seriously. If somebody hugs me with a blank-eyed look I start counting the minutes until they ask me if I've accepted Jesus into my life.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Cado

Funny, it tends to weird me out when people are overly huggy. It might be because I associate it with artificial expressions of joy and acceptance, ie a lot of people who do it are trying too hard, but the other part of it is personal space. If somebody can't respect my personal space or doesn't bother to wait for me to signal that I'm okay with it then it feels disrespectful to me.

I'm exactly like this. I find it almost rude that people just assume I will let them into my personal space because they want to hug me, without asking if I want to hug them, and at times I have actually said "no, I don't want to hug you", which can cause some awkwardness and they take it to heart.

My housemate is like that...I can't stand it. I don't even know the woman.

I am much more likely to be receptive to someone who does not just assume this and feels it out a bit more. If there is a genuine desire there for us both to hug, it will happen.

I do love hugging though, but it is usually with either close female friends or someone I am intimate with.

[jellybeanpimp]

Originally Posted by Cado

I think that for me physical contact is very special and it shows a fondness which goes beyond respect or friendship. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love or that I would call that person my lover, but it is something I'd put into its own category. That's probably why I don't mind so much with women, even if I don't know them all that well, because so often it'll go a bit deeper-even to the point of sexual intimacy-and I'll be perfectly comfortable with that regardless of whether or not I have any long-term inclinations toward the person.

When it comes to men I don't want hugs. I don't want to give them, I don't want to get them. I don't see it as being standoffish because it doesn't feel that way. It feels like there's an added fire, like we are there to temper each other and we show respect in different ways. There's a time to embrace but only when we can stand as brothers, and then it's usually reserved for victory or tragedy.

But again, as a general rule touchy-feely people creep me right the **** out. So many people do this kind of thing because they're trying too hard, or they've joined a cult. Seriously. If somebody hugs me with a blank-eyed look I start counting the minutes until they ask me if I've accepted Jesus into my life.

Yea, I know, I'm the same way with hugs. But I do think it's cultural. The only reason I brought up the other side of my family is because the men on that side are pretty arrogant and tough. A lot of them were more along the lines of the alpha males, and they didn't have anywhere near the amount of issues I have with touch.

And they didn't hug eachother like the women hugged eachother. It was the "bro hug" followed by a peck on the left cheek and a peck on the right cheek. Not really a kiss, just a brief peck.

Here's a good example of what I mean by the bro hug...

Exhibit A



That's exactly what all the Italian guys in my family did, and like I said the right cheek peck and left cheek peck somehow looked manly too.

It's just interesting how the culture you're raised in can make such a difference.

[Le Roi]

I've done the Free Hug Sign thing. I think the important thing is to offer hugs, but allow the other person to either accept or decline.

I've hugged Steve, and I've seen him hug other people outside of CGW like at Toastmasters. The way I've seen Steve do it is that he offers the hug by standing still and holding his hands out, but doesn't seem to hug the person unless the person actually steps forwards and hugs him.

That's respectful and gives the other person the opportunity to decline it if they so choose to.

[joyfulgrowth]

I'm exactly like this. I find it almost rude that people just assume I will let them into my personal space because they want to hug me, without asking if I want to hug them ...

I am much more likely to be receptive to someone who does not just assume this and feels it out a bit more. If there is a genuine desire there for us both to hug, it will happen.

I love hugging, I love being offered hugs, I love offering hugs, I love when it happens simultaneously. At the same time I find it incredibly sweet to get the sense that the other person sees me, recognizes my power of choice, is aware that I have a personal space that I may or may not want to have them in in that moment.

I don't even know how to describe the different vibes that can be in a hug.

• Maybe it is the difference between "Is this hug that you 'offer' really about me, or is it about you, your insecurity, lack of love etc.? Is your offer sincere, or do you want something from me, and if so, are you owning that right now this is more about you?"
  
  (I have also become much more conscious of that myself and what qualities my hugs have. And sometimes I do verbalize it, asking "May I offer you a hug?" or "I could use a hug. Would you be willing to hug me?" I think it's totally fine to ask for a hug when it would nourish me, but then I don't want to pretend it's an offer, and want to at least be clear for myself.
  
  And of course, when two people both want to share their love rather than 'getting' something from the hug, a sweet connection happens where both receive more than they could ever give).

• Maybe it is also just that respectful second of a pause before the hug happens that gives me the confidence that the other person actually sees me as a an individual human being. That pause that doesn't make the hug automatic or ritual. That pause that makes clear to both of us that this is a choice, which makes the following hug even more yummie.

Oddly enough, I will almost immideately let people who have that natural respect for my personal space very close. Not the people who don't hug because of certain "rules" society prescribes, but people who at the same time can share intimate closeness with strangers and have deep awareness and respect for where others are. Those are my tribe, and of course I will hug them when a hug is in the air!

[DANDUNGAN]

Last night, at a the Fox and Hound in Studio City, I played with some musicians I've only met a couple times. The first guy arrived, the drummer John--I shook his hand. When the next one arrived, Don, the Fiddler--I didn't shake his hand. He didn't offer it, nor did I.

But by the time the third guy arrived--Troy, the guitarist, I remembered Steve's blog. When he extended his hand, I took it and then pulled him in for a hug. I changed the interaction between all of us.

Steve laughed, Troy liked the hug, and I think John and Don were jealous.

I've rarely been the first one to hug someone, especially a guy.

I think I'll try that again, soon.

[Orionjoel]

Good post, makes a lot of sense. Although I know I do not hug or give hugs as much as I should.

I guess from the giving point of view that the issue for me is that I am worried about what meaning the other person will place on me hugging them. Or if possibly some people may really be against it in a physical or verbal attack. Which while both are probably not very likely, both i would thinkg have some degree of truth behind it even if it is just .001% of people.

Ironically I am front and center in the picture, just look for the fluro yellow tshirt.

[KarenO]

It is funny how there is usually synchronicity in Steve's posts and my state of mind. The morning before I saw this posted, I had a really random thought that wouldn't it be nice if Starbuck's baristas gave long warm hugs upon request. Really odd. Had never had an urge to hug a barista before, although they seem nice.

I guess I wanted a hug that morning, as a single person hugs come sporadically, even though the groups of people I tend to hang around are huggy, I don't tend to wake up to hugs at the moment!

[Orionjoel]

Funny thing you say this Karen, because when I was reading the post, I was in a coffee shop that i frequent, and was thinking along similar lines.

Btw I will be in Vancouver beginning of September if you are short on hugs.

[Harmonium]

Originally Posted by Cado

I think that for me physical contact is very special and it shows a fondness which goes beyond respect or friendship. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love or that I would call that person my lover, but it is something I'd put into its own category. That's probably why I don't mind so much with women, even if I don't know them all that well, because so often it'll go a bit deeper-even to the point of sexual intimacy-and I'll be perfectly comfortable with that regardless of whether or not I have any long-term inclinations toward the person.

When it comes to men I don't want hugs. I don't want to give them, I don't want to get them. I don't see it as being standoffish because it doesn't feel that way. It feels like there's an added fire, like we are there to temper each other and we show respect in different ways. There's a time to embrace but only when we can stand as brothers, and then it's usually reserved for victory or tragedy.

But again, as a general rule touchy-feely people creep me right the **** out. So many people do this kind of thing because they're trying too hard, or they've joined a cult. Seriously. If somebody hugs me with a blank-eyed look I start counting the minutes until they ask me if I've accepted Jesus into my life.

I can relate to exactly what you are saying. Having said that if you have ever taken mdma the pure platonic love for everything is enough to want to hug everyone. Nothing sexual about it, just a desire to love.

Basically I think steve is high. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Harmonium

I can relate to exactly what you are saying. Having said that if you have ever taken mdma the pure platonic love for everything is enough to want to hug everyone. Nothing sexual about it, just a desire to love.

Basically I think steve is high. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.

It does have that effect.

[AlmostGodess]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

It's just a cultural thing.

In most of Europe, people will routinely hug and kiss.

In Japan, they go for bows.

In Bangladesh, men will hold hands and walk together in the streets. Straight men.

Then there is the kunik (nose rubbing)

And in Russia they kiss on the lips. Here is a picture of the former Secretary General of the Communist Party, Brezhnev kissing his German colleague in an official meeting:

[agsags]

I used to be almost undiscriminating "hugger" when I was very hungry for connection. Not anymore. Hugging is a pretty intimate enmeshment of bodily energies and I choose to do so only with people who give out good vibes. It can take some time to figure out what the vibe of a person is.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by agsags

I used to be almost undiscriminating "hugger" when I was very hungry for connection. Not anymore. Hugging is a pretty intimate enmeshment of bodily energies and I choose to do so only with people who give out good vibes. It can take some time to figure out what the vibe of a person is.

This describes me pretty well too. I think I was more of a lightworker when I was in my late teens, and loved hugging people, and I didn't have to know them at all. These days I am much more discerning and guarding of my personal space and boundaries. I've met so many space invaders over the years that it just no longer appeals to me to hug most people. Only the ones I feel right about hugging.

[AKLight]

Hugging seems like such an alien concept to me. We might as well sit on the ground, take off our shoes and socks, and rub our feet together.

For me, if touching isn't intimate or sexual, it doesn't happen. However, I can imagine how hugging might lead to positive feelings and connections, so I'll seriously test it out before deciding it's just some pointless ritual.