Building a Happier Life (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Building a Happier Life

[jawillie]

Of course happiness is selfish.
So is unhappiness.

It is selfish to squelch your own desires just to appease others. It is fake. Inauthentic. For instance, in the case of a marriage, maybe the spouse would be better off with someone who AUTHENTICALLY WANTS to be married, than one pretending so as not to upset status quo.

I think our main goal in life is to lve authentically aligned wth our true selves. One of the hardest things we can do, but the most rewarding and satisfying for everyone, even ourselves.

[invisiblehouses]

Originally Posted by jawillie

Of course happiness is selfish.
So is unhappiness.

I'd take it a step further...unhappiness is far, far more selfish than happiness could ever be.

I've experienced unhappiness very deeply in the past (okay, screw that...I created deep unhappiness for myself), and it is easily the most self-absorbed, self-possessed, self-serving state a person can be in. Got good news? Here, let me tell you how it makes me feel miserable. Got a problem? Let me show you how my life is worse!

That's all I remember about it. I don't remember what it felt like, for which I am deeply grateful. Now I find the happier I am, the more I want others to feel that way, too.

It's like being a born-again, only you don't threaten anybody with Hell.

[jawillie]

Clint, I 100% agree. I have walked through dark depression and it was one of the most selfish times of my life. Most of my depression, I feel, was caused by NOT living authentically most of my life.

Do I ever put someone else's needs before my own? Yes, of course. I do sacrifice for my husband sometimes. But doing so DOES make me happy. And here is where I could start talking in circles....... so I will stop. lol

[Lynn 007]

Excellent post Steve - thanks for sharing.

Although I miss you on the forum and facebook updates I'm happy to hear things are going well for you.

Stay Happy
Lynn

[mikethedrummer44]

Are you serious?!?!?!

This article, right now?!?!

Jesus. You've got some amazing timing, man.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by danas

Yup!
I can totally relate
Today I was walking around thinking how amazingly happy I am , (actually it was almost starting to worry me...)
Its like Im high. Not that everything is perfect, but I made some HUGE changes in my life in the past month.
I sold my car, rented out my apartment packed all my positions in a suitcase and moved across the world to NYC (I know its said that on my avatar for a while but I only officially moved here now). I rented a great place in the best part of town and have now cut contact with ALL the people who didnt make me feel amazing, and am deepening the bond with people I do want in my life.
Also after a 2 year break I started doing yoga 3 times a week and Im loving it! And I seem to be attracting so many career prospects...
In a few days Im throwing a party I invited about 50 people.
Today on the way to the supermarket I walked into a vintage designer clothes store and bought some amazing designer items for pretty cheap. A new me...
I feel like I landed on a new planet, one where I truly belong.
Its like Im creating a better base to pursue my dreams.

Steve I think you are one person who has really taught me to take bigger risks and not to fear change

Awesome!

[Jacob Cassidy]

Steve, a regular local meetup of personal growth minded people would be awesome. I too have looked into meetup.com and been left wanting for the same reasons you mentioned.

The activities you wrote about are right up my alley as well. I spend most of my day in front of the computer as I'm a designer professionally, and thus, love my free time out being physically active with Mother Nature and with friends.

I would love to get in touch with you in person to help set this up. Let me know if this interests you.

Jacob

[cacheborn]

What a simple and amazing parameter. Happiness.

As Buddha says,

There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

It's simplicity takes it to a Zen level. Past few months, I have been missing this parameter in my life. Got too much caught up with things. Thanks for the reminder.

[Elrond]

Of course it is selfish. But then again, "selfish" is just a shaming-word used by people that are upset that you won't necessarily be fulfilling their selfish desires.

[Ken Benjamin]

Hi Steve,

I've been thinking about making this suggestion to you recently but since you turned off the contact form...

Anyhow, you've opened the window and now is the time.

I highly recommend you consider backpacker-style world travel to meet some of your needs and build your personal growth and happiness.

You've done an enormous amount of personal growth by reading and trying ideas out but, in my opinion, you're missing out on a piece of growth by staying in Las Vegas, the USA, and Canada. There is a whole world out there with people doing all kinds of fascinating and strange things.

Americans don't travel nearly enough. We tend to have an arrogant idea that we're the best so forget the rest. I'm sure you appreciate what's out there but experiencing it could be just the change you need to boost yourself to a higher level of consciousness.

It is not only the cultures in other countries that makes the travel worthwhile. Out here, on the road, you'll find many, many interesting travelers from all over the world with all kinds of backgrounds and of all ages. Many, if not most, are interested in personal growth one way or another.

I've been on the road for about 18 months now. No TV, no bills (auto-pay), email when I want, time to read, time to write, time to do nothing at all. I have no stress but plenty of mental energy I'm spending working on two big projects for myself (no shameless plug, sorry, but I'd be happy to tell you about them if you're interested). In short, life is good and I'm happier than I've been, perhaps ever. Every day is a good day regardless of the challenges.

Travel is intellectually and emotionally stimulating. Each day is unique. Routine? What's that? I stay when I want to stay, go when I want to go. Freedom. Freedom to be me, to explore me. I've used this freedom to figure out my personal bliss and find ways to express it. It has taken time but I've had that time and I've had inspiration along the way from the many interesting people I've met.

I should add that this is not my first trip of this sort so I knew, when I needed to make big changes in my life, that I would find what I was looking for out on the road and deep in my heart. I have not been disappointed. I don't think you would be either.

Your business is online. The internet is virtually everywhere. WiFi is available in most guest houses or at a nearby restaurant or cafe. It's even possible, though I don't suggest it for you, to rely on internet cafes. You could be writing your posts from a bungalow in Bali or on a beach in Thailand. You could be chatting with a senior Buddhist monk in Burma or a Hindu sadhu in India. Or you could be talking to any of the dozens of amazing people I've met over the last year and a half.

If you want to know more about what it's like to travel you might like to read Rolf Pott's "Vagabonding" even though it's getting a bit outdated now. All you need are the clothes on your back and a one-way ticket to somewhere interesting. You can buy what you need when you get there.

Going vegan might be tough in some places but it's not impossible if you're prepared to eat simply or to go to southern India. I meet many vegetarian travelers who are doing fine.

I realize that this is not going local, but it is going tribal. Your tribe. It is face to face and, that, I think is the main thing you're needing right now. My guess is that your tribe is not so well represented in Vegas (I've been there). They are out here. Look in Cusco, Peru or on Kao San Rd. in Bangkok. Find them in Thamel in Kathmandu or in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia. We're out here. You should be, too. You can go always local later.

Hope to see you on the road someplace.

Best wishes,
Ken

Written and posted from JoMa Cafe, Ly Quoc Su Rd., Hanoi, Vietnam. Yummy. Time for some cheesecake

Ken's rarely posted to blog: http://www.kennethbenjamin.com/

[Dylan]

For me, volunteering (especially mentoring young people) is a very satisfying way to spend time.

[Chizalia]

How are your children doing?

[Ange1]

I was just considering starting a in person, local meetup facebook page for forum users Something simple where we could see the other members in our area (or where we travel to)on a world map that interfaces with our profiles, and where we could easily post events or activities and schedule skype mastermind sessions and chat discussions on different personal development topics. I love the idea, but I don't understand the administrative or technical stuff, and I'm not sure a facebook page is the best interface to use for it, although I do like the chat feature. Anyone have any other ideas or the tech skills to set up something like this?

Having positive relationships with like minded people is one of the most supportive resources in personal development. This article reminded me of Steve's energy vampire article, which suggested deciding what kinds of new friends/relationships you want. It was the best advice I've ever followed, and I have to thank Steve and everyone at the May CGW last year for contributing such positive energy and setting the perfect environment for me to meet my (now) fiance Getting together with this community has completely enriched my life and it would be great to hang out more often, even if it means traveling a few hours to do it. In my local area, I just haven't found too many people that I really connect with...I've found it's better to find people that you love, and relocate or get them to move closer to you, instead of hanging out with people that make you go eh...

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Chizalia

How are your children doing?

Just fine. They're coming over soon, and Emily is spending the night.

I taught Kyle to play Carcassonne recently -- he really likes the game. Pretty advanced game for a 7-year old I think.

Last weekend I took Emily on a thrill ride binge. We went to the top of the Stratosphere Hotel and did the rides up there. It's the tallest man-made structure west of the Mississippi, so it was pretty scary hanging out over the edge of the building, seeing the Strip below us.

Then we did the roller coaster at the Sahara Hotel (several times) as well as the Nascar racing simulator, and then watched a very talented juggler perform at Circus Circus.

Afterwards we got vegan pizza and then met up with Erin and Kyle and played mini golf.

It's interesting to apply these ideas to parenting and finding out what makes the kids happiest. In the short-term that's easy, but in the long term it takes some experimentation and guidance.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Elrond

Of course it is selfish. But then again, "selfish" is just a shaming-word used by people that are upset that you won't necessarily be fulfilling their selfish desires.

So true.

[yoopersmith]

This is funny Steve, You and I are in about the same space...more "free" time...

I have been stressing out about how to "have fun" lately...without spending too much money...

I will actually go back and really read this whole article to get some of your ideas for like reading, exercise, yoga...

For me, I know when I open doors to people then the free time goes "poof" so I am taking my time...

...at the same time when all the doors are closed I get that "cooped" up feeling and end up riding my bike or eeek! Watching too much TV...

I really like that you are feeling time abundant! YAY! ME too...it just takes a little getting used to...

[StarieEyed]

When ever I get on this happieness kick it always seems to revolve around my kids, what things I could be doing with them that I am not. The thoughts make me happy, as do the activities. Then I start to wonder why I don't think of things to do for myself. I am thinking it is b/c my kids are so young, 5, 2 and one due in two weeks. There are some things I know I enjoy for myself but it seems there is not enough time, or time away from the kids.

[gingerbaker]

I'm so glad to hear you're clarifying how you want to spend your time. It's so easy to get caught up in patterns that include lots of "dead weight"!

One of the best things I ever did was about a decade ago when I gave up watching TV. I've owned one briefly in the years since, but since it got no reception and I had no cable, I used it only to occasionally watch DVDs. Now I just use my computer for the very occasional Fringe episode or maybe a movie. I'm always surprised when people seem shocked that I don't watch TV. "What do you do?!?!" is something I hear a lot of. Well, gosh, I make things, I READ, I go out salsa dancing lots, I have jiu jitsu classes, and *of course* I spend time with my kids. And really, I don't have NEARLY enough free time lol.

Interestingly, part of my celibacy decision,or perhaps, the impact from it as I sort out why I was drawn to it, is realizing that right now, "dating" is dead weight that I am not really interested in. Mostly because I have so little free time, and prefer to spend it on classes and dancing - the things *I* want to do for *myself*. I will be resuming dating after July, but this has also clarified that I am really not interested right now in meeting more "lovers", that really I am looking for a PRIMARY partner. So even though there are many *absolutely lovely* people that push for my time, they simply are not the people I choose to invest time in right now because they do not meet what I need in a primary partner. And that's okay - it is not wrong of me to focus on finding that person for myself. It took (and still takes) me a while to figure out that it IS okay for me to say NO, even to people that I enjoy spending time with. I find I can easily get caught up in a people-pleasing mentality if I am not careful, and guarding against that and being more selfish takes a fair amount of work, but it is worthwhile.

Of course, I would have MUCH more free time if I would just let go of this cubicle job once and for all but part of me just isn't ready to yet. Fear stemming from the desire for security for my kids is a big part of that, and I suppose we each get to growth in different areas at our own time. Definitely something I am still working on!

[Andreas]

Somehow Savage, you continue to read my mind.

Or perhaps this time we're both tapping into the same wavelength or "thoughtsphere".

I say that because my main frame of the last 3 months is to focus on Local. To create more friendships with people I can actually hug on a monthly or weekly or daily basis.

I love how you qualify everything though the Lens of Happiness. I've experimented with that lens in the past, but other things got in the way. I felt like things like obligation, circumstances, and other people were more powerful than my own Vision... but I was wrong.


And some really inexplicable synchronicities have been happening to me lately as a result of this focus. In one instance, I reconnected with someone by running into them at the store and discovering they'd moved into town. For various reasons, it was a One in 10 million chance that the timing would be right for me to run into them.




Also, Steve, if you haven't considered it already, since you're travelling a lot more, I highly recommend you use Couchsurfing sometime when you travel:
CouchSurfing - Participate in Creating a Better World, One Couch At A Time

It's the most amazing online/reallife community I've ever been a part of, and I know if you gave it a chance you would find it frackin' awesome. (And ironically enough, I originally found out about it on this forum about 4 years ago. Since then, it has forever changed how I look at travel.)


Life is Beautiful, and it's about to get a whole lot more sublime.

[Savage]

Travel is on my agenda this year, but first I want to work through some changes locally. I've taken two trips so far this year. There will be more.

I'm thinking long-term here. I'd love to travel around the world, and I want to set things up to make that sustainable.

[supertom]

Originally Posted by Savage

Travel is on my agenda this year, but first I want to work through some changes locally. I've taken two trips so far this year. There will be more.

I'm thinking long-term here. I'd love to travel around the world, and I want to set things up to make that sustainable.

Will his savageness being staying at house?

[neva]

GREAT READ! I have been following you for awhile. You seem to nail it every time you pursue a subject. I love learning from the best out there. I would enjoy a meeting for like minded folks. Talk the talk until you walk the walk, right. I am still in the intention stage of my growth, as probably most of us are. I joined today after reading that post. This would be a tremendous help to alot of people who are having trouble holding their own out there! Me included.

[strawzombie]

Great article.

When I was working on my value hierarchy, I actually had "pragmatic hedonism" as my #1 value. But I never tell anyone that's my main priority IRL because I think it will be misinterpreted as "coldly pursuing immediate sensory pleasures without any regard for future consequences".

But consequences can be pleasurable and unpleasurable too. Not to mention the journey towards the destination, which can (hopefully) be pleasurable as well. And it's more pragmatic to take all that in to account, rather than considering only that one single pleasurable outcome event in isolation.

Also, there are different "vibes" or "flavors" to all the many different kinds of pleasurable experiences that can be had. For example, foods provide sensory pleasure, but not just the feeling of satiating hunger. So by hedonism, I don't just mean the surface-level primal human pleasures. Though, that's fun too.

The reason I say "hedonism" rather than "happiness" is because "happiness" is too loaded of a word and carries too much baggage. Just like the words "god" or "love" or "success", I've pretty much given up trying to talk about any of them. I mean, two people can be talking about "happiness", only to realize hours later that they aren't really on the same page to begin with.

Are kamikaze pilots happy? Even the pilot himself will have to stop and think about what is meant by the word "happy".

Is the whole experience of being a kamikaze pilot more pleasurable than any of the available alternatives? That's a little easier for the pilot to answer.

A word like hedonism, at least for me, gets rid of more ambiguities than it creates.

(Didn't expect this post to be so long. )

[jawillie]

Strawzombie, I appreciate your post. You are right, "happiness" is one loaded word. And, there is happiness in sacrifice, for sure - in waiting, in work over pleasure, in hard work, in pain, etc. I still don't like the word hedonism, though. We need to make up a new one. Right, because it's not only about "pleasure." I know I read ancient essays in some Psychology class that addressed all of this.... "what is happiness" has been debated for centuries.

[Chizalia]

Originally Posted by Savage

Just fine. They're coming over soon, and Emily is spending the night.

I taught Kyle to play Carcassonne recently -- he really likes the game. Pretty advanced game for a 7-year old I think.

Last weekend I took Emily on a thrill ride binge. We went to the top of the Stratosphere Hotel and did the rides up there. It's the tallest man-made structure west of the Mississippi, so it was pretty scary hanging out over the edge of the building, seeing the Strip below us.

Then we did the roller coaster at the Sahara Hotel (several times) as well as the Nascar racing simulator, and then watched a very talented juggler perform at Circus Circus.

Afterwards we got vegan pizza and then met up with Erin and Kyle and played mini golf.

It's interesting to apply these ideas to parenting and finding out what makes the kids happiest. In the short-term that's easy, but in the long term it takes some experimentation and guidance.

Thank you for sharing this - sounds like an awesome time. Emily's braver than I am if she can do that many coaster rides in one day. (I realize I'm reviving a thread from a couple of months ago, but have recently come back to the forums).

[Cochonette]

unhappiness is far, far more selfish than happiness could ever be.

\

Depends what you mean by selfish. I'd say that happiness is no less selfish than unhappiness. Happiness is just more emotionally intelligent, and sometimes based on privilege or chance. That's all. The way to become happy is not to "stop being selfish," or "stop being negative," but to start being loving and positive.