How to Create?

[szon]

Dear friends,

I am trying to understand how to 'create'. Your insight and help would be dearly appreciated.

From reading Steve for a while and attending a CGW I've understood that in order to create you focus your attention on that which you desire and withdraw attention from that which you don't to starve out that creation. But it's one thing to ignore external circumstance and keep focusing on what you want/desire - but how do you apply this creative attention to internal states when the very act of 'desiring' is affected by the state you wish to change/starve out?

Let me explain:

Over the past few years I've come to realize that a lot of my behaviours have been motivated by an underlying feeling of insecurity (see I know that by naming these I make them more real - but how do i understand something without creating more of it?!) and a need for being wanted/loved - and a lot of this stems from childhood experiences. So I've realized that because of this base of internal insecurity, i've been very competitive - always needing to prove myself based on some sort of external indicator or validation. In fact, since I've realized this, I've struggled a lot to try to experience internal satisfaction - it's almost as if i have no script or reference point - i just don't know what that feels like. Also, this insecurity is the basis of a thought pattern which constantly compares and creates doubt - so i feel like i internalize many, many different people who I hold up in high esteem. It's okay to learn from them, but for me the experience is more like re-confirming my worthlessness because I know that that person can do, think, feel, experience, create things much better than I can - so why does the world need my efforts? What's the point? Also, I've noticed that I'm very territorial with friends, I feel insecure when someone new comes into my friend circles - i feel threatened and feel like I'll be abandoned - now, i know that none of this maybe true but in the moment it feels so real, my reactions are almost automatic. So i end up feeling like i am unwanted or i can't trust people and can't forgive trivial things but I won't demonize the other person - i'll just internalize it - 'maybe i'm not good enough' etc

So here is my question: how do i create this experience of internal security and feeling worth and wanted? How do I stop creating this experience of scarcity? Now that I recognize the pattern, how do i withdraw from it when it's been a prominent way of being for the last couple decades? It's like asking me to become a new person - and i want to - but how do I do it? How do i acquire a new way of being? How do I allow myself to experience intimacy with friends and partners without feelling like they are probably better off spending time with other, better people? I know this is all inside of me because the way people around me describe me is very different than how i feel about myself. So how do i come to know myself from a different lens? How do i build myself an identity of someone who is secure and feels loved? How do I focus on my 'desires' when i find them worthless half the time, or can't trust them, or feel like someone else's ambitions or desires are more worthwhile? (even writing this post has been challenging - 'i am just one person', why should anyone else care about my inner world ?)

And frankly this state of being is very distracting. Everytime I enter a deep focus on somthing I'm working on, something inside me panics or starts comparing with others - would so-and-so spend so much time doing this? is this the best way to do this? is this really worth focusing on? maybe you should look up a better way to think about this? maybe someone else knows better? ..and *snap*...i'm out of focus. I don't want to control these thoughts. I want to know how to create an internal space where they just don't arise. I know not everyone thinks like this - so what are your thought patterns?

So, all those of you out there who don't experience this internal insecurity, what are the types of thoughts that go through your mind when for example, a friend doesn't call? or you have to make a decision where there are many unknowns? or when you fail at something? or when you feel jealous? or when someone breaks your trust? or when you look at photos of friends who appear to be enjoying life so much or have qualities that you don't have? or when you meet someone who is incredible talented? ...

I know this has been a long post...thank you for reading!

many hugs,
sz

[foxbivvy]

There is nothing wrong in acknowledging the facts of a situation. Just watch your thoughts and see when you are making judgements about it. And also follow up with thoughts that put it into perspective, and thoughts of what action you can do about it. Learn to list the positive sides of a situation.

It all takes time, repetitive effort, but it does work. All such work pays off.

I often ask - what is the problem now? Is it that bad? Would I choose to hurt myself.

Above all come to see there are more choices and power in any given moment than we often realize. More things we can do. And then I remind myself to be alert and look for them, catch bad thoughts before they get out of control.

[foxbivvy]

"a friend doesn't call?"
am i jumping to conclusions about why? what other reasons are there why they could not call?

"or you have to make a decision where there are many unknowns?"

i will do my best, this is all that i can do. sometimes i have to make decisions like this, i will not kick myself if i make a bad one, i can learn a lot from it (positive choice interpretation and true)

"when you feel jealous?"
[INDENT][INDENT]- this is just a feeling in me at the moment, i can just watch it, i do not need to let it turn into thoughts and actions, in time it will pass, and such action will make the feeling a little weaker the next time than it would have been, and less likely to appear.

"friends who appear to be enjoying life so much"
if they are lucky then it will pass (life is actually quite a long game with many things that happen) - or if they earned it - be glad to be around them for they will set the example and bring you up too

"or when someone breaks your trust?" - firstly, have i jumped to any conclusions (always a good habit to check this first and establish what is really known). and is it in such a big area that really matters so much. if they have broken trust and it does matter - it's not a reflection of me. i cannot control others, and do not need to let them have emotional impacts on me, i control my feelings by watching my thoughts. if i want i can start to look for new friends, i can start this first step now, i can overcome any fear. i can do it without fuss. i can join a group or club of people that have a similar interest. i know how to use the internet, which I can make such a blessing for me by using it right. I have done something like this before and solved a problem.

sometimes our minds are our worst enemies. but you have become conscious of yours. This is a big step. Just keep practising the above kind of thought control, in time it will all get better. And become automatic and part of your subconscious. There will be ups and downs in the journey, to be expected.

enjoy each step.

[Orionjoel]

szon,

I think that the problem you are seeing is one that very many people face. I know it is something that I face, and as yet still have not really found a solution that. However I have just come across some of Steve's work which I had not really listened to before in this Podcasts, in particular Podcast #4 - Using Patterns for Personal Development.

Basically, the podcast goes through how patterns in our behaviour in the form of Chains, Loops, and Spirals affect our lives, and some ideas on how to change these patterns. How to break the old limiting patterns and implement new patterns. One of the good examples in this podcast is Steve's own experience transitioning from Game Development to Personal Development. It is near the end, however i do recommend listening to or reading the whole podcast.

While it may not be specific to your situation of internal scarcity and limiting beliefs, I do think that if you read it, there are some lessons which can be applied universilly, it really comes down to identifying the patterns which are creating this on going scarcity mindset and looking at ways to break those patterns and what new patterns you could create to counteract them.

You can find the original Podcast here - StevePavlina.com Podcast #004 – Using Patterns for Personal Development
Or if you don't want to listen to it and would prefer reading, I have completed a transcript here - Podcast 4 – Using Patterns For Personal Development – Steve Pavlina Podcast Archive

[szon]

Dear foxbivvy and Joel,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. I will consider what both of you have said and try to apply them. Joel, I remember listening to that podcast a while ago, will re-listen. Thank you.


But the one thing that I'm still struggling with is - is being vigilant of your thoughts the only way? It seems like pulling out the dead bodies from down the stream without knowing the cause up stream. Is this the only strategy? My thinking right now is that all of this comes from a single source, a single pattern and at the bottom of it there is an unfulfilled need - is this thinking erroneous?

In one of Steve's recent tweets he said..do you spend more time on self-approval or the approval of others? -- the answer for me is clear - it is the latter. So what would 'self-approval' look like for someone who has always depended on external validation for a sense of self-worth? How do you make the transition? What is needed? I've noticed that everytime I am with somebody, I quickly have a sense of how that person perceives me and the expectations they have of me and I notice that I act that out. So I feel very different in different people's company - which is mostly normal i think - but the oscillation of my sense of self from one person to next is significant. So what does it feel like to trust and feel rooted in one's own sense of self?