My 30 day Darkworker Trial

[Theo77]

I figure I'd start a new thread for this. There are a couple other threads, but things have gotten so diluted, with people having competing interpretations, and discarding various aspects of Steve's Model of polarization.

So, I am starting this one. I will stick to this one for the 30 days. My trial corresponds neatly with the month of April. I really like Steve's articles, I don't have any major disagreements with their basic premises. I think I am on board with what he is saying. I found them very inspiring. I've been back tracking, following his train of thought with these ideas in reverse. I have been listening to his audio and Subjective reality and benefitting from that as well.

I think I am a good guinea pig for Steve's ideas and I don't mind being one. I am the kind of person that likes to be open to new ideas, to test them out and jump into things with both feet. For example last winter, I decided to drop everything and work for two dogsled mushers training in Alaska for the Iditarod. Ultimately, it didn't work out, but I was glad I went up there to Alaska and tried it out.

A little bit about me, I am recently divorced. My Training is in Christian Theology, I at one time worked in the ministry. I went to Bible college. With my marriage not working out and a combination of different things, I have become disillusioned with my former faith and am kind of reinventing myself.

So I have been exploring different types of Sprirituality and esoteric subjects for the last couple of years. I have a job working for a Charity,that I find easy to do that allows me a lot of free time to explore different schools of thought and work on my writing and artwork.

I am documenting my progress on my blog, that I also am documenting an expiriment I am doing to reprogram my nervous sytem using the eight circuit of consciousness model, which is detailed in "Prometheus Rising" by Robert Antion Wilson. My latest entry is about my progress in the darkworker trial

Theo

[Theo77]

One interesting anecdote, That I think led to me wanting to engage in this trial, is that a few months ago I had a powerful spiritual experience during a Shamanic journey, where I was transformed into a dragon.

I really loved being a dragon, and afterwards, I was struck by the thought that through this Jouney I had come in contact with a very real aspect of myself.

It had a profound affect on my thinking and caused me to really re-evaluate my life and my belifs about power.

If not for this experience I doubt I would be open to embarking on this type of trial. Steve's blog, I believe is somthing I have attracted into my life after having this experience of being a dragonand seeking to make sense of it.

[smallstar]

Cheers,

I'm just wondering, what are your objectives for the trial - I'd have started a similar one, but I was just finding the whole subject too vague and not concrete enough to grasp and to make measurable goals.

What are your clear, measurable and non-negotiable goals, and what are your minimum requirements to indicate success or failure for the whole experiment?

Have a Dark day, SS

[Theo77]

Yeah, that's a good point. Measurable goals....I'll have to work on hammering that out. I kind of been on this train of thought of personal transformation for a while.

I was kind of thinking of myself as the protagonist in "Fight Club". I really love that movie. So for several months, I have been thinking of how to bring out my inner "Tyler Durden".

This darkworker thing realy clicked and I feel like I am accomplishing this. Transforming myself more effectively. Its an energetic change I am going through. Its based on a feeling. But measureable goals are good.

So I'll work on that.

[Akashic_Librarian]

How do you "Trial" something like this? Its a life long process...not a quick change..you would hae to do a thirty year trial for it to hve any real meaning

[Theo77]

Well, you know what they say about how the longest journey begins....

I don't believe I will achieve total mastery over anything in 30 days. That is why its called a trail period.

I am basically expirimenting with using the energy of a darkworker. I have been thinking about how to measure results.

For me its tough because I am a more right brained person. The thing that interests me is expirimenting with the different energies and how I feel Trying it on for size.

If I were a method actor, trying to get inside a character's head how would I measure that? I think I would have a sense of how successful I was. I think how I would know is if I achieved a level of personal insight into how the charactert thinks, and experiences life. I would get a sense of how well I was able to project that to others while playing the role.

But these are more or less all anecdotal, intangible things. But I will be posting my insights and results in these areas. I do find that several people have commented that they are picking up a different energy from me and that I seem different. I have noticed service workers and sales people reacting differently to me.

My Mother commented that I look different, but she is in on what I am doing. She says I look more powerful, almost like a different person. But like most Mother's she tends to be supportive and biased.

The thing with the sales people is not that I am trying to intimidate people. I certianly have not been rude to anyone. I think I am just projecting a more no nonsense type of energy. I think I look like I have money and am used to getting my own way. That is the energy I am trying to project, anyhow.

I've been bale to observe people like this, Like my Father, and how they interact with people and I am attempting to project this energy.

My fitness goals are the most objectively measurable, So I think I will use that.

[Theo77]

Here is a really inspiring article about desire by J. Krishnamurti: New Page 1

I think he's a darkworer. I think a true darkworker will get this, and a lightworker with a guilty conscience won't.

I am finding out what I want in life. For a few days I thought I had to shut of my heart chakra, but I think now that is BS. I love to laugh, especially at myself and you can't do that with a closed heart chakra.

For me, this darkworker trail is about integration of all my various parts. That includes my darkside. I feel like I am on an upward spiral. My only problem is insomnia. There is so much I want to explore. I never want to end the day, I get so wound up! I finally get to sleep and then I wake up early, tired but wanting to start the day!

A guilt trip of wanting to "save the world" never got me out of bed like that. I think I used to use sleep as an escape. I no longer want to escape anything, so its hard. I may find I need less sleep and will adjust.

But this article is awesome. Desire is the fuel for the fire! Lust is good! Have a lust for life!

[Theo77]

These are my two favorite paragraphs right here:

"Now desire, contrary to general belief, is the most precious possession of

man. It is the eternal flame of life; it is life itself. When its nature and functions

are not understood, however, it becomes cruel, tyrannical, bestial, stupid.

Therefore your business is not to kill desire as most spiritual people in the world

are trying to do, but to understand it. If you kill your desire, you are like the

withered branch of a lovely tree. Desire must keep growing and find out its true

meaning through conflict and friction. Only by the continuance of the conflict

can understanding come. This is what most people do not see. As soon as the

conflict comes, and the sorrow born of conflict, they at once seek comfort.

Comfort, in its turn, breeds fear. Fear leads to imitation and the sheltering

behind established tradition. From this come rigid systems of morality, laying

down what is spiritual and what is not spiritual, what is the religious life and

what is not the religious life. It is the fear of life which produces guides, teachers,

gurus, churches, religions. Please, I know.

None of these things are going to satisfy a mind which is really enquiring,

which is really in revolt. As soon as you fear, you have the desire to conform, to

listen to everybody, to become a machine, a type. And all this is but contraction,

and contraction is slow death. It is not in this way that desire can ever fulfil itself.

Growth can only come by the liberation of desire, and liberation here means

freeing it from all fear, and so from the cruelty and exploitation which results

from the quest of comfort, which is the refuge of fear. And this, in its turn, can

only come about through the wearing down of the egotism in desire by contact

with life itself. Only in this way can the reality be reached which is the true

consummation of desire. And so, truly to grow is to learn to love more and

more, to think more and more impersonally, through experience."

[yossarian]

Theo, why are you so set on this darkworker label?

I really enjoyed that article, btw. I truly think the quality of being is where joy is found and where all things come easily. I love the way he expresses acceptance of the totality of creation.

[Sam988]

Great Text.


After reading it i've been wandering around his website and found this interesting article on self-confidence.

Self


"So, having made life into a technical process, conforming to a particular pattern of action, which is merely technique, naturally we have lost confidence in ourselves, and therefore we are increasing our inward struggle, our inward pain and confusion. Confusion can be dissolved only through self-confidence, and this confidence cannot be gained through another. You have to undertake, for yourself and by yourself, the journey of discovery into the process of yourself, in order to understand it. This does not mean you are withdrawn, aloof. On the contrary, Sirs, confidence comes the moment you understand, not what others say, but your own thoughts and feelings, what is happening in yourself and around you. Without that confidence which comes from knowing your own thoughts, feelings and experiences – their truth, their falseness, their significance, their absurdity - , without knowing that, how can you clear up the whole field of confusion which is yourself?"


No wonder why i've been feeling more confident lately since i started the polarization proccess

Isn't that what polarization is all about -ending the inner conflict- so we are certain about our actions and therefore about our goals.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Embrace your own humanity

[Theo77]

Yossarian,

What Sam said.

;-p

Saving the world doesn't get me out of bed in the morning. Pursuing my desires does.

[thestral]

Originally Posted by Sam988

Isn't that what polarization is all about -ending the inner conflict- so we are certain about our actions and therefore about our goals.

Sam, I could hug you. Thank you for putting this so simply.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Theo77

Yossarian,

What Sam said.

;-p

Saving the world doesn't get me out of bed in the morning. Pursuing my desires does.

what i find so fascinating with this polarity business is people are interpreting it in very creative ways that are totally different than I would interpret it, and yet their approaches remain the same as mine.

it just further solidifies this point from the article:

Originally Posted by Krishnamurti

Any unreal satisfaction of the inner want, which we call desire, is usually accompanied by a desire to pass on all this unreality to somebody else. I will explain. You want to give understanding and love in a particular way, which is your way; and you are hurt when this is not accepted. But such giving is the giving of illusion, not reality. Also, there is cruelty in it, for it arises from the desire to dominate, to guide, and control; and it is out of this kind of giving that we get our steel-bound morality. Both giving and wanting come to the same thing. Giving is but weakening the individual, and wanting is but relying on something external. Therefore, neither of these have anything to do with truth. The point is that, at the root of both wanting and giving, there is a going outwards away from yourself; and this is what you have to resist. But, if you do, what is left? When you are not giving or wanting something, what are you? You are Being, which is the only positive thing in man.

Do I want to save the world? No. I am totally pleased with the world. I'm joyful, in fact.

I have desires and those desires are part of the world. Change is part of the world, and the changing world I both accept and desire.

I don't desire to help people to find joy, when I find joy I desire to help people. Only when my help is wanted though.

Is not all action, all life, all conflict, all desires, all dreams, and all change part of the everpresent reality?

When I look at creation with this view there is no way I'm not joyous. Sadness itself is a choice I make because I desire it.

Lightwork or darkwork is a choice people make, you're not born with it. There is no innate quality that predestines you to be a darkworker. You've chosen that label, but what's funny to me is that to me you all seem like lightworkers, despite the label you give yourselves.

Originally Posted by Krishnamurti

Being is fearless and does not depend on anything outside itself; hence it does not cast a shadow. It knows no separation and it is immortal. And so, when you as an individual enter into that pure Being, you become the delight of life’s expression, because you have been through everything. Such Being is life’s fulfilment. That is what everyone is seeking — to be himself.

Krishnamurti knows no separation - he knows unity. But this doesn't stop him from knowing himself.

Unity shouldn't be confused with sameness. I may call myself positive polarity but what gets me out of bed in the morning is nothing more than myself. It's just my nature. I get out of bed because I'm rested and so it's time.

[Theo77]

Well,

Lets not just mush everything all together and say "it's all good" in the desire to be all inclusive and multi-cultural and non-judgemental and what not.

To me that is like taking a bunch of beautiful colors of a pallette and mixing the all together to make grey-brown mush.

Trying to empty yourself of all desires like lust and live an ascetic lifestyle, like monk, taking a vow of poverty, being celibate, etc. Laboring away to help poor people, heal the leppers, etc.

That's 180 degrees from what I get out of this article. And Krishnamurti is taking exception to lots of teachers of eastern religion.

So its not the same thing. Going on an adventure to fulfill your lust for life, and eventually transcending them, is not the same as becoming a nun and living in Calcutta for 50 years healing lepers.

It may end the same, and that is a point I am trying to make because there was a lot of question about this with the dark path, it can lead to enlightenment but its not the same path.

Climbing a mountian, just to have the experience of it, training to compete in mixed martial arts, seeking fame and fortune. This isn't lightworking as far as I can tell. Being a hedonist, seeking experience and personal accomplishment is not the same path as trying to be loving and healing, learing how to serve and so forth.

I don't see it as the same thing.

But probably what complicates this is that as the article mentions people flee to organized religion to hide from their fears of the things they dopn't want to experience. I've been there.

So maybe a true lightworker is really rare, rarer than religious ascetics even.

[yossarian]

What I got out of it was that being yourself necessarily means that you aren't a brown mush. The opposite, really.

Healing the lepers would only be the right thing to do if they are put in your path and you naturally heal them, just while being yourself.

I guess my perspective might be easy to misunderstand if it looks like I'm basing myself on traditional Christian-style thinking.

The question I was curious about was why you chose darkwork to be the thing that everything else revolves around. Like for instance you said, "It must be possible for a darkworker to have an active heart chakra, since I'm a darkworker and my heart chakra is activated." Couldn't it just as easily be that you're not a darkworker?

The other thing was the issue of unity/separation, which is what pretty much defines darkwork in my mind. Krisha guy seems to recognize this unity, but he emphasises individuality as well. You were saying in the other thread that the loss of individuality was something that gave you trepidation with regards to unity, but I think it's a misconception to think that unity means loss of individuality. Rather I think individualiy is a big part of coming to know unity.

The difference with darkwork IMO is the separate and superior approach, resulting in deactivated heart chakra and a domination mentality. I dont really get that from Krishnamurti and based on your posts it doesnt really seem like you are looking for that.

Which is why to me it looks like the differences are only based on natural permutations of unique individuals, not on a polarity difference. I totally relate to everything Krishnamurti says.

[yossarian]

Oh, the other thing I wanted to say was that seperating from illusion in order to find your own self is not the same as separation consciousness.

[Sam988]

Originally Posted by thestral

Sam, I could hug you. Thank you for putting this so simply.

Thanks, i love myself too.

Originally Posted by yossarian

Lightwork or darkwork is a choice people make, you're not born with it. There is no innate quality that predestines you to be a darkworker. You've chosen that label, but what's funny to me is that to me you all seem like lightworkers, despite the label you give yourselves.

Well first, you are right about not being born either a darkworker or a lightworker, but we are born with innate tendencies to fit best and more easily as one of these. Some people have higher tendencies and some have lower ones.

Second, you used well the word "seem", because you cant judge someone by what they write on these forums. People use the forums for various reasons, it doesnt mean that just because someone is using these forums this persons wants to help everybody. I'm particularly here to help myself primarily, if i end up helping others with my posts, great, but thats not my main reason to use the forums. So, unless you got some psychyc abilities or you are spying us in real life, i dont know how you can come to the conclusion that we seem all like lightworkers.

Originally Posted by yossarian

what i find so fascinating with this polarity business is people are interpreting it in very creative ways that are totally different than I would interpret it, and yet their approaches remain the same as mine.

yes, polarity is a very subjective concept, thats why we can discuss its definitions forever and never totally agree about it, we must adopt the definition that we think will work best for ourselves

[Theo77]

I like helping people. Just, for me its not the ultimate pay off. I feel like I already had a lightworker trial. Also, how much can you really help people anyway?

I feel like as a born again Christian, I had my lightworker trail. It was ultimately unsatisfying for me. What it was though, I think is that as a young man I got in touch with my darkside and it scared me. I didn't want to face it, and so I fled into evangelicalism.

So I wasn't really integrated. But in many ways it felt safe, because all the major questions in life are settled in that system and accepted on faith.

But like Krisnamurti says. A mind in revolt is not ultimately satisfied with easy answers.

I take nothing away from Christians and followers of other major world religions where the path is spelled out. Some ex-Christians are bitter. I'm not.

I learned a lot. It was a valuable expeience. I dabled in Buddhism for a while. But once again, I found myself having a problem with the autocratic authority structure. But I take nothing away from people that embrace that either.

So as far as there being freelance lightworkers, Yossarian, I have to say thats a good point.

I don't know though, it seems like following your desires as a path to spirituality is more self centered than others centered.

[Theo77]

One thing I'd like to add about eastern religions.

Kama Sutra, is well known now but not really in any depth.

But its a darkworker path to enlightenment, basicaly in a nutshell. That's how its seen in India.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Theo77

So as far as there being freelance lightworkers, Yossarian, I have to say thats a good point.

I don't know though, it seems like following your desires as a path to spirituality is more self centered than others centered.

Well I have to consider myself a freelance lightworker, since i'm definitely not associated with any sects. I started off atheist / secular humanist which is basically extremely simple morality, and then I've slowly evolved into what I am now which is Christ-consciousness centered, but the signal-to-noise ratio in most Christian communities is so high it's hard to call myself Christian. I basically just tell people i'm atheist because that's probably the closest to what I am in their mind.

I think that by rejecting or repressing your desires, you essentially aren't doing much good. The problem I see with popular religions like Buddhism and Christianity is that while they have good cores - Buddha and Christ - they are still jam packed with what I judge to be negative intentions. This goes for New Age groups as well. The ten commandments for instance are distorted to me, since they give a command - "Thou Shalt Not". A positive entity would phrase them as suggestions, not commands from above. The Eightfold Path is nicer in that it phrases them in a positive way, but sometimes they are still presented/regarded as commands rather than suggestions. Depends who you ask.

For myself I definitely know I wouldnt fit in with the followers of any of the religions I've looked into.

I think the key thing for both polarities is to remember that it's about intentions not actions, it's about being not doing.

Anyway I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for, because you seem to have a very healthy skepticism combined with that hunger for knowledge.

[Theo77]

I've been experiencing some negative as well as some positive sides to this expiriment. I look more attractive and I am losing weight and getting in shape really quickly with not a lot of effort. By effort, I don't mean that I am being lazy, I just mean that I'm not eating an extremely restricted diet and working out all the time. On the contrary, the changes have been mostly attitudinal and by way of making better choices.

I am looking at it like I am a character actor. I am changing my vibration and the difference is manifesting in my body, my posture, my body language and my countenance. My eyes look different.

For most of my life I think I have tended more heavily toward the lightworker side of the polarity and had fallen into lightworker syndrome.

After that I felt kind of like I was getting away from wanting to be a lightworker and I felt I did have a darkside I wanted to explore.

In doing this trial I wanted to jump right in and really go for it.

I really find using dark polarity useful in working on goals like losing weight, developing a good body, improving ones personal attractiveness, planning on ways to make money.

It would take a lot of convincing for me to accept that those are goals a true lightworker would pursue in and of themselves. That is for their own sake.

I believe a darkworker can focus on those goals with much better purity.

The downside is as I have focused on being more self centered, I have noticed myself losing a bit of my personal connection with people. Like for example, I find myself less interested in people in my daily interactions.

I think being a "people pleaser" can be kind of a trap. I also think its better to have confidence in yourself than to care what others think.

But I find myself caring less about people. So that's a little disturbing. People are used to me being warm and cracking jokes, so I kind of go through the motions still and it rings a little hollow.

People all have this energy signatures they give off and other people get used to others energy, and when you change energetically, everyone has to adjust.
So I find myself not changing as much toward people I know.

But I find myself acting a lot differently with people I don't know and being treated differently than I usually am in return. I've always had a degree of personal attractiveness and charm, it was more unconscoius. But now as a darkworker, it feels less genuine, more like a skill I can use to my advantage. Plus, I feel I have lost some of this "Aw Shucks" appeal.

I also feel like my heart chakra is possibly contracting.

So these are some changes that have been a little disturbing.

I have gained a lot and also, but still, I haven't gotten anywhere near reaching my goals. I am kind of new to being into personal development. But I have been achieving instant results.

I have a new career planned out as a fantasy illustrator and concept artist. I know where to go to school and what training I need. I am getting in shape, looking better, becoming more confident.

From my understanding this polarity thing is a pretty advanced step. I am a novice to personal growth really. I mean in terms of seriously dedicating myself to it. I may just tuck this knowledge away I gained from experimenting with dark polarity and put off polarizing for a while and see how far I can get towards my goals without it.

[Theo77]

I had a bit of a down period, where I felt like I was killing off parts of myself.

I feel less soft and fuzzy. So I say good riddance. I mean these are parts of me I found occasionally annoying, long before this darkworker trial.

I feel like I want to have the ability to have different modes, where I can show a tender side when I feel it appropriate, instead of walking around with my heart on my sleeve.

At it's core though, this face I have been presenting to the world is false, because its a defense mechanism.

its basically "I'm kind and loving and caring, don't hurt me!" I have been presenting this really approachable, hyper freindly face to the world that is not the real me.

If it were the real me it would be one thing, but its not. I have always had a darkside. I have always been inwardly, a bit arrogant and elitist, and proud.

I have been afraid of my own power, and quite frankly I have a good bit of personal power at my disposal.

So Its like I've had this arsenal at my disposal to use to get what I want in life and I have put it in a box on the shelf, labelled "off limits".

So now I am opening the box and taking out the tools.

I have been reading some more Nietzche. "Will to Power" "Beyond Good and Evil"

I think if you take away defense mechanisms designed for the weak to pool together their collective power against the strong, take away rancorous passive aggressiveness and straight out envy, you would eliminate the very essence of what many so called lightworkers are all about.


I am not saying all, but I think these elements make up a lot of the sentiments people have about prefering "good" over "evil"

I say it in quotes because these are subjective terms really. Value judgements not facts.

[AnnaC]

I have a question for Theo or anyone else who has any ideas:

Theo, you talk as if feeling powerful and utilizing your personal power is only for darkworkers. Can you not be a lightworker and still channel power to achieve your goals? Do you think power has to be the preserve of darkworkers?

I consider myself to be a lightworker but do channel energy that makes me feel powerful - does this have to mean that I haven't actually polarized after all?

It is interesting though - when I utilize a dose of this powerful energy, I see almost immediately that I start to attract conflict rather than the usual harmony into my life.

[Theo77]

I don't claim to know what a lightworker is. I think if you were to remove passive aggressive revenge fantasies as a motivation, you would eliminate a lot of what motivates people held up as lightworkers.

It beats me why anyone would want to put people before themselves, unless they are their children.

I think nearly everyone wants personal power. Maybe that is the darkside maybe its not.

[Theo77]

Well, as my Trial nears an end, I am realizing I am not really that evil. For me this was about owning my dark side and also becoming a little more selfish just to allow my self to know I deserve good things.

I improved my appearance, bought some nicer clothes changed my hair, lost some weight. I changed my energy really. Got girls to flirt with me. Made big goals.

I think what it was, was that I was too nice before, to "goody goody" virginal, puritanical. I had to many "should's" too much guilt, and also some envy and passive aggression toward the beautiful, the strong and the successul.

I think I needed a little jolt to know I can be one of those people, no need to envy them.

Plus being a darkworker helps you have confidence, because you can't care too much about what others think, or you won't be able to pull it off.

As far as polarising permanently I don't know. I feel more like I have divers parts of myself and I want to own them all.

I also feel like in order to be a man, in this world, you gotta have a little bit of the devil in you.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Theo77

I also feel like in order to be a man, in this world, you gotta have a little bit of the devil in you.

Nice

I would say it's to fit into society's mould of the successful, prestigious man, though .

But that mould is a distortion, and at best only represents one kind of man.

Darkworkers get most of the respect and adulation but that's natural, because that's what they aim for If that's what they're after, that's what they'll get. Humans are desire-fulfilling machines, here to fulfill every desire, starting with the strongest desires and ending with the weakest.

[Theo77]

No. That's not what I mean. Fitting into societty's mould is called being a tool. That is the exact opposite of what I mean.

I think I should say to be a man you need a little of the devil in you. Maybe qualifying it with "Today" is what threw you off. If anything this was more true in the past. With the advent of Christianity and the servant morality associated with it, this is probably less true today.

[Theo77]

Actually I didn't say "today" in there. But what it is though I think you equated "This world" with "Today's world"