How to Achieve Stretch Goals (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

How to Achieve Stretch Goals

[invisiblehouses]

Ah, bollocks...all my goals are stretch goals.

Actually, though, there was one I managed effortlessly just this week: the "quit Facebook" one. The massive number of synchonicities was a little creepy, as I'm still getting used to the concept of, "By the way, the universe is a far, far weirder and more subjective place than you ever imagined." My favorite one was making the decision to leave the site, then coming to a certain website to find an article called "Leaving Facebook" front and center. That was sort of awesome.

It also clearly illustrated how easy it is once you've made the shift (which I think probably began months earlier...changing your profile pic to a solid black square doesn't exactly scream "I want to stay fully engaged in this online community").

I feel little shifts happening regarding my other goals. I'm still miles away in many cases, but much closer than I was 24, 12, 6, 3 months ago. People who align with my old vibration seem less...real...now. Like they've become some kind of demented, negative Chatty Cathy doll that pulls its own string.

*string pull* "I don't have enough money!" *string pull* "My whole life is watching television!" *string pull* "I'll never be anything but a wage slave!"

I see the irony of posting this on a Friday night, when I could be out using my time to make new "analog" connections, but the world just seems so cold to me. Literally. It's about 17 degrees out there and...just...no.

[James81]

The things that I outright wanted to reject in your article:

1. The notion of distancing yourself from family.

2. The idea that the only way to make a connection with someone is in face to face interactions.

It's gonna be tough, but I plan to explore the resistance to both of those things.

Very thought-provoking article.

[rbhambha]

This article is the bomb. Thanks for writing it Steve.

[Bliss Sage]

This article is like a whole course outline of a course I have to put myself through every time I set a goal. It's a good thing it will stay on-line (for frequent reference).

What I can see more and more from experiences with myself - it seems clear that I mentally can't handle changes in large steps. Smooth transitions...

Evidently, I have to have a much more deliberate and disciplined approach than I thought.

[CarolineS]

Why am I with a partner who doesn’t naturally want the same things I do? Why am I settling for less than I desire? Why am I being so clingy with someone who wants different experiences than I do?

Though not in connection with a threesome, this is exactly where I am and have been for 10 years. I wouldn't class myself as clingy and I don't know what it is my partner wants, but it clearly doesn't align with my desires. I can come up with a dozen practical reasons why I'm still here though and until those are resolved I can't move on.

It's very demoralizing and I fight hard with myself not to get knocked back.

Caroline

[Adam Elkins]

Wow, that's one hell of a blog post Steve.

I've already been working on myself in this way but I knew there was something missing; this fills in the holes. I'm visualising my graduation in a few years time and how I want my career to develop over time. I'm already a vibrational match for odd thousands of pounds showing up at random intervals; this is connected with my study and, since I've chosen my course of study consciously, I expect this to evolve into being paid to do what I love. That said, I have many areas to grow in. Time to get started....

[Bliss Sage]

Why am I with a partner who doesn’t naturally want the same things I do? Why am I settling for less than I desire? Why am I being so clingy with someone who wants different experiences than I do?

Reading CarolineS' post highlighted this part, which I kind of skipped over, because I'm bowing out of "love relationships" now, again.

The answers to all of those questions for me is always that he does want what I want. He says he wants those things I want too, hence, the relationship. Knowing the answers to those questions only encourages me to wait longer for him to uphold his words.

This is why I appreciate this quote I just saw in someone's (Royster's) signature recently:

"Action expresses priorities." - Gandhi.

The clash between his words and the progress/direction (or lack thereof) of his actions, over time, cause confusion and frustrations in me, and hurt too sooner or later.

I keep waiting for people to make their words real. People should shut their fat mouths if they aren't meaning to do what they are saying, nobody is holding any gun to their head and I never demanded anything, they offer things that seem so kind and generous, totally out-of-the-blue, and I become surprised and pleased, and then time goes by and they do nothing and I start to get angry at them for lying to me and at myself for having believed them. And you wait and wait, you had to put off your own plans in order to accommodate this thing they promised and they don't do it.

I guess that's the reason I cling. Like I'm trying to force or challenge them to uphold their own words, or punish them somehow if they don't. If they did uphold their words, though, I might not cling.

[Ingenius]

Thanks, Pavlina, I think this kind of post is exactly what I needed. I knew, of course I knew, but my Everest is making money, and that is definitely a stretch goal. One can't just make more without shifting their thinking, because many beliefs are associated with making money, beliefs such as "money is limited".

Believe me, I've been 2-3 years trying to make more money through the "brute force" method, and it doesn't work. It is not a matter of being more intelligent, learning new things that you didn't know before or any other lack of these sorts. It is your thinking holding you back, your vibe, as you put it.

If you want a similar approach, and you want to learn more about changing your vibe, I strongly recommend to check out Jim Rohn's videos:

YouTube - Jim Rohn Setting Goals Part 1

"If you would change, Mr. Rohn, everything would change for you" .- Jim Rohn.

I think Steve digs this kind of thinking, right? It goes pretty much in the lines of his own way of looking at things, imo.

I hope this helps,

Daniel.

[supertom]

The visualization part i do already in the past few weeks, instead of imagining a scene, I have a place that has within it many scenes that i want to experience in my life story. I go there and like a scientist in a lab and artist painting I learn about my vibration.

[Angela]

What a lovely article! Destined to be classic, I think -- a little PD course packed into a blogpost.

Perhaps people who might have been put off by the word "vibe," which can occur as kind of mystical or woo-woo, can see a practical, OR-sense of "vibrations" -- it consists of your beliefs, attitudes, filters, behaviors, habits, values, identity, and purpose... nothin' spooky about that stuff, and all within each person's bailiwick, if they're using a perspective of being at cause in the matter of the results they get.

[cacheborn]

Cool stuff. Just proves that PD is a life long process, everyday there is something new to learn, provided you allow yourself. My main problem is better understanding of the vibe. So often, we get lost in the goal setting and action perspective that we neglect this important aspect.

Thank you for the insights.

[Arcana Eleven]

A few hours before I saw this blogpost, I was on top of the world, thinking I would "achieve" my goal at last... if I only kept up the high-vibration meditation and such that I was doing.

An hour before I saw this blogpost, I became conscious of the underlying reasons that I am not suceeding at my goal. Years of self-sabatoge became apparent and I crashed. In the face of the fear that keeps me back, I want to give up.

I read your blogpost. And you hit home in so many ways. Some of it I just skimmed through, because I'm not quite a vibrational match to face this "stretch goal". Almost... but not quite.

I'm afraid of who I'll become if I suceed. I'm afraid of releasing the person that is Me.

... but I also know that I'm not going to shrink back for long. ... I've always been one to confront my fears, and it kind of terrifies me now. I know I won't leave it alone. I triggered a depression to keep myself from going there... to slow myself down. It's difficult to maintain, though.

Anyway... thank you. I'll be using this when I am ready to face myself.

[Divajules]

Originally Posted by Arcana Eleven

Anyway... thank you. I'll be using this when I am ready to face myself.

I think that one line speaks volumes! Nice insight, Arcana Eleven.

[StacyT]

Steve, this is probably one of your BEST articles ever! Truly amazing with actionable steps to raise your vibration.

It showed me that I still have some things to work out, but also gave me hope that I am on the right path. Especially with the feelings I have about what I am attempting to manifest. In my "virtual reality" I feel "normal" about living my ideal life, instead of being crazy and frothing at the mouth with excitement....which makes sense because anything I've ever manifested had a natural, normal, lighthearted feeling to it. Thank you for 8000+ words of awesomeness

[Sam988]

Now that's a very high quality article, one of the best i've seen on the website. It really encouraged me because i see i'm on the right path.

[BillyTheAdult]

I am agreeing with all these reviews.It's one of the best articles I've read here. It is a personal development formula in and of itself. I know you don't really care about criticism but I'm going to give you one anyway. It's the part about hanging around people who already are where you want to be. I am not always able to just go out and make friends just like, I know this is a problem that MANY share. It's not that I'm not likable or don't have friends, but making new acquaintances on the kind of regular basis suggested here would definitely be a challenge. On the same note I have tried making friends with people who have something you want. To use the millionaire example, a millionaire might do something for fun that cost a thousand dollars, even if you manage to make friends with one you can find yourself struggling to keep up. They may partake in expensive activities often. It would be nearly impossible for the $50,000 a year guy to keep up with that lifestyle. I used to read PUA material and they suggest hanging out with guys who are already successful with women. I tried that and honestly they really don't want a guy who has no idea what he's doing hanging around all the time.

[NSS]

Billy read what you just wrote, and read Steve's article again. Replace his examples with yours.

[BillyTheAdult]

I reread the article. I am not seeing what you are wanting me to. I would like to see what you are trying to point me to. I will tell you what I am looking at specifically. He talks about understanding the new vibe you want accurately. He mentions several ways to do this but specifically states the value of face to face, one on one time. If you are not able to readily make connections with those you choose, it could pose as a significant obstacle to this plan. It's not like that is so far fetched, I'd be willing to bet one the number one reasons people ever get involved in PD in the first place has to do with some kind of perceived social limitation or another. He talks about being willing to let go of old relationships that aren't supporting you in favor of new ones that do. If you are someone who doesn't feel they know how to readily make new connections this won't be easy for you.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

To use the millionaire example, a millionaire might do something for fun that cost a thousand dollars, even if you manage to make friends with one you can find yourself struggling to keep up. They may partake in expensive activities often. It would be nearly impossible for the $50,000 a year guy to keep up with that lifestyle. I used to read PUA material and they suggest hanging out with guys who are already successful with women. I tried that and honestly they really don't want a guy who has no idea what he's doing hanging around all the time.

Yes, but there are many backdoors if you're determined.

Volunteering is one of the best ways to equal the playing field. Many wealthy and successful people volunteer in non-profits, for instance.

Example: When I wanted to build a more successful software biz, I volunteered in the Association of Shareware Professionals. Some board members were earning $20K per month or more, while I was only making $300 per month from my software sales. I ran for the Board of Directors and lost by 4 votes, but a month later I was appointed Vice President, and then I served as President/CEO the next year. It was a lot of work for zero pay, but I gained a lot by hanging out with people who were doing much better than me financially. A few years later, my software biz was bringing in five figures per month.

One thing I learned is that the most successful independent software developers would spend around 50% or more of their work time on marketing and sales activities, so less than half their time was spent on actual product development. Meanwhile, I was usually spending 80-90% of my time on development, as were many other developers who weren't doing so well financially. It became clear that I had to learn to sell software well, not just create good software.

So once again, you can feed your power to excuses, or you can feed your power to your desires. Saying that millionaires have expensive hobbies may be true -- lots of my friends certainly do -- but there's no need to rule yourself out of their lives on a triviality like that.

Keep asking "how can I?" instead of "why can't I?" Volunteering is just one of many ways. It's free too.

[Savage]

By the way, I learned the volunteering tip from Brian Tracy. Around 1999, I was frustrated that my software biz wasn't doing well financially, and I heard this tip on one of his audio programs. I'd heard this tip many times before, but I never acted on it. It seemed like too much of a stretch for me and not a good fit for my personality.

Then I paused a moment and said to myself: Brian Tracy is a multi-millionaire. My business is only making $300 per month. Maybe -- just maybe -- he knows something I don't. I don't quite see how volunteering will make a difference, but perhaps I should trust his advice on faith alone and just go for it. After all, it's not like my current approach is working that great, so what have I got to lose? If it doesn't work out, I can quit and try something else.

I dove into it semi-blindly. I honestly didn't like the idea of volunteering all that much. But it worked. It pushed me to open myself up socially. I networked more than I ever did before. I began giving back to the software community, such as by writing articles. This raised my profile in the field, and new opportunities like publishing deals came my way. It also helped me win some industry awards for my software. And I had an easier time getting free press and publicity because the right people knew I existed.

If I hadn't done this, I'm not sure I'd have ever picked up the right vibe needed to make my software biz work. The vibe of success in that field was so different than what I expected. For starters, the most financially successful developers tended to be a lot more social than the unsuccessful ones. Even if they were very geeky/nerdy, they still pushed themselves socially. This helped them in so many ways to sell more software. It's really hard to get decent sales when no one knows you exist.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

If you are someone who doesn't feel they know how to readily make new connections this won't be easy for you.

It's not supposed to be easy. It's very rewarding largely because it's not easy.

If it were easy, everyone would do it.

Being highly social is a significant part of the vibe of success. While I'm sure there are some anti-social millionaires, virtually all of the ones I know are very social. But many started out shy, anxious around other people, and socially timid. They pushed themselves year after year to open up socially, and it paid off. Through their social openness, they constantly attract new contacts and opportunities. It's so much easier to succeed when the right people know you exist.

Most of the money I've made from blogging, for instance, has come from business deals that came from my network of contacts. If I wasn't as social, my income would be a lot lower.

In kindergarten I was the kid who played in the sandbox all by himself. I was very anti-social and shy. The way I am now is so different, but it took years of pushing myself and challenging myself. It wasn't about forcing it though. It was a gradual process of opening and expanding and letting go of fear, hesitation, and anxiety.

Now I see socialization as a form of play. When I'm out in public, I often get chatty with strangers, especially when I'm standing in line. At one point I had to push myself to do that. Now I do it because it's fun, and it brightens people's days, especially if I joke with them and make them laugh.

You can have it easy when you're dead. Easy is boring.

[firefly]

Thanks for the thought provoking article, Steve. I'm definitely going to re-read and study this one.

Originally Posted by Savage

In kindergarten I was the kid who played in the sandbox all by himself. I was very anti-social and shy. The way I am now is so different, but it took years of pushing myself and challenging myself. It wasn't about forcing it though. It was a gradual process of opening and expanding and letting go of fear, hesitation, and anxiety.

I'd love to find out more of this process. At first glance, it seemed like you were suggesting to replace one "forced" action (direct action toward your goal) with another (socializing to become ready to take action), but now I see that's not the case. It still feels like a bit of a Catch-22 though - how can you become a vibrational match for socializing if socializing is a pre-requisite for changing your vibe?

Thinking back on that poll you took here in the forums a while back, with so many people saying they had few or no friends interested in personal growth, I suspect this is a common problem.

[Cado]

Originally Posted by firefly

I'd love to find out more of this process. At first glance, it seemed like you were suggesting to replace one "forced" action (direct action toward your goal) with another (socializing to become ready to take action), but now I see that's not the case. It still feels like a bit of a Catch-22 though - how can you become a vibrational match for socializing if socializing is a pre-requisite for changing your vibe?

Because most of what's holding you back is based on a simulation. When you think about doing something it's easy to make it more threatening than it really is simply because it's outside your comfort zone. What do you envision? People won't like you, they'll react badly to what you'll say, you'll make an ass of yourself and you won't be able to show your face again...

But then you do it. In all likeliness you'll trigger a peak experience because your survival instincts will shift from defensive to active. If you've already jumped out of the plane, your mind has to stay clear enough to pull the cord. If you get a better outcome than you envisioned your prior conditioning starts to break down. If you get a worse outcome that's even better because you've proven to yourself that you can handle it.

The biggest block to achievement is hesitation. You will never get what you want if you stay behind the starting gate. By taking action you are already shifting into alignment with your desires, you just have to build momentum until it's automatic.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by firefly

I'd love to find out more of this process. At first glance, it seemed like you were suggesting to replace one "forced" action (direct action toward your goal) with another (socializing to become ready to take action), but now I see that's not the case. It still feels like a bit of a Catch-22 though - how can you become a vibrational match for socializing if socializing is a pre-requisite for changing your vibe?

Your question is just like asking, "How can I build more muscle if it takes muscle to exercise in the first place?"

And yet you can still build muscle. It's not really a Catch 22. It's simply a matter of training up by starting with what you can do right now.

Of course you start with the muscle you have, exercise it as you're capable of doing, and you'll gradually get stronger. Some people are naturally stronger than others. Some start out very weak. But everyone can train up.

You already have some degree of social skills if you can communicate at all. So leverage what you have to train up to a progressively greater skill level.

In the beginning when you're more socially timid, you can rely more heavily on visualization. Begin to visualize yourself as a more social person. Make your visualizations so real that the anxious feelings come up, and then work through them in your imagination. This will help you get started.

Then when you're capable of doing so, start with basic social courage exercises, like the stuff we've done at CGW. Or read chapter 6 of my book for more about how this works.

You're capable of learning and building new skills. If you can learn to read, write, and walk, you can certainly build your social skills too. Even a child can train up in this area. In fact, there are probably some 16-year olds who are less socially timid than you. So ask one to mentor you. (That's not a joke btw.)

[Rose of Cairo]

It is so true for me that before reaching a goal, I have NO CLUE how I will think, feel, or behave after reaching it!

That's why basic LoA teachings as well as some personal development goal achievement techniques leave me perplex and unable to apply them. I cannot put myself in a state of already having reached my goal, because the truth is, I have no clue what that would be like.

And when I look back at those goals that I did successfully reach in the past, the way I was after reaching them was completely different from what I thought it would be before actually reaching them.

[Rose of Cairo]

... After some more thinking ...

When I look back at the stretch goals that I successfully reached in the past, I realize that I don't know how I reached them.

I did not learn the new vibe from other people, I did not visualize, I did not analyze what I needed to change, nor did I consciously change it. I did not use any other method or system either. I ... just did it. Dunno. I just really wanted it. It's like my determination was enough. Of course I did take action (both internal and external), but one step at a time, without really knowing where I was going. I just kept wanting it badly.

There are two exceptions, two goals that I never managed to reach no matter how hard I wanted. Well, I suspect I don't want them that badly, but I kinda have to, at least for one of them. :S

I'll try your method on them. Maybe I'll get better results.

[tatoeba]

Wonderful post Steve!

In 8000 words you give us a lot of keys to unlock new realms of understanding. Everything is there, laid out for us. Now the not-so-easy part is to implement it but as you just said : "You can have it easy when you're dead. Easy is boring."

I so completely agree!

Thank you.

[ellie]

I loved this post, so much so that I had to put it into a word document and highlight all the main points.

It helped me tremendously to drop a big goal, that I have been wrestling with for the last month or two, it was that opposite magnet feel, that you described...where I was trying to force it. I was unsure if it was indeed was a stretch goal, or was it a goal that I took on for the wrong reasons. I couldn't decipher what my true feelings were and yes I had asked many of the questions to why I was feeling the way I was. But because it was such a huge goal, one very out of my league at this stage, fear creped in and so I was unsure if it was because of fear that I was resisting it, or it was in fact because it was not a “vibrational match”. Who knows maybe later down the track it will be a vibrational match.

The thing is when I started out in this project there was a real vibration match; people were really supportive, had large companies contacting me, but then “my vibration” changed. I got scared. I got scared of the commitment, the responsibility and the complexities of the job.

I had also have been thinking of late about a similar theory about vibrational matches, but couldn't quite see how the patterns worked. I could see patterns, but I didn't know how to work with the patterns exactly...so I left the thoughts simmering in my subconscious, but since you have brought this topic to light, and your thoughts and how it all works, it's like you have decoded what I could not quite comprehend.

I do in fact know quite a few “ very wealthy” people, the thing that I have observed is that they have no qualms asking for the amounts of money the are after, it’s like they are entitled to it, and anything below what they are expecting is an insult to who they are. I don’t necessarily see them being any better in the talent department, but what I do see is that… they have belief in what they can get and they do have confidence in themselves. So glad you brought this to my attention, even though it was in my subconscious mind, I had never really analyzed it before.

Anyway great article, I read it like three times…I’m sure I will read it many more.

[Fredrik]

Your post really has enlightened me. I have been running in circles around some of my goals for years while others didn't take long to accomplish (i.e. sleep-regimen). I definitely will find better ways to approach the others in the correct manner (i.e. learning C and converting to a diet based on raw foods from plants) now. Great post!