Committed Relationships (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Committed Relationships

[gingerbaker]

Great post. It brings to mind when you hear of one partner upset because the other went to a strip club. In one view, cheating, in the other's view, no big deal. All sorts of drama ensues simply because the definition of "cheating" was never clarified.

Personally, I don't refer to any of my recent relationships as "committed". Loving, perhaps.

[spacecadetglow]

Nice perspective. I think the terms of commitment can sometimes arise spontaneously and organically, without having to create a slot in the daily schedule for it. If, of course, both parties are already committed to direct, honest communication, but I can hardly envision entering into a partnership without those prereq's anyway.

I thought the first part of the article was a little weak, though. It kind of seemed like you were just mocking people/ideas without providing that much valuable information. It definitely got better at the end, but as I was reading, I found myself waiting for Steve's perspective!

Airy-fairy relationships are the worst, indeed.

[Eliza]

Ohh yeah, I definitely recognise that sinking feeling.

I love the way that you're writing lately. It's like you're speaking directly to the soul of your reader, and that's very powerful. The many questions in the article really help to actually solicit a response or perhaps an awakening from the reader, rather than it be something that you just pass through then forget about. Perhaps this is all unintentional though, since the words are passing through you and not from you.

A joy to have experienced. I'm going now to post it on facebook. Well done!

[ArthurHung]

I take this article as a sign to create as much clarity about pretty much every moment of my life as possible.

I initially dismissed this article twice after reading it top to bottom because I consciously knew I didn't understand. Third times the charm. And it made me feel like responding!

I aim to meet some former CGW members and just people who have hung around Steve before or are interested in his ideas, I can count every single one that I have met as life changing so far.

More than anything, I'm feeling the expansive... the wonder of how one can continually learn about relationships all of ones life. It's truly, a great feeling.

[BillyTheAdult]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Nice perspective. I think the terms of commitment can sometimes arise spontaneously and organically, without having to create a slot in the daily schedule for it. If, of course, both parties are already committed to direct, honest communication, but I can hardly envision entering into a partnership without those prereq's anyway.

I thought the first part of the article was a little weak, though. It kind of seemed like you were just mocking people/ideas without providing that much valuable information. It definitely got better at the end, but as I was reading, I found myself waiting for Steve's perspective!

Airy-fairy relationships are the worst, indeed.

I kept waiting for him to say he was done polyamory and was commiting (as in sexual exclucivity) to Rachelle. I have to be honest I still wonder if that's coming in the near future. The overall point I take from the post is have good and specific communication with your partner. I tend to think relationships are bit more common sense than all that though. If I have a great connection with someone it is likely our thinking is pretty similar to begin with.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

I kept waiting for him to say he was done polyamory and was commiting (as in sexual exclucivity) to Rachelle. I have to be honest I still wonder if that's coming in the near future.

I opted to write this relationship series with a traditional monogamous perspective in mind so more people could relate to the ideas. The next article I post will probably be about cheating.

I don't feel a desire to return to monogamy. I'm happier on the poly side. It feels right for me.

[danas]

Thanks Steve. Great post. I wish I read it months ago.

I spent months in a relationship where nothing was clear.
There was never an agreement about the relationship's commitment boundaries, so a lot of left unsaid and concealed...
Until it all was revealed and it was painful. Mostly bc things were left unspoken and hidden and secret, not so much bc we had different ideas about the commitment "rules"
So much simpler to talk about these things instead of subtle hinting, but at the time I was too afraid of rejection to speak up.

[escapeplan]

Maybe defining love is a good starting point too.

[Angela]

I think it's a good idea, if you're choosing Partnership with someone, to not only distinguish the explicit, conscious agreements of the partnership, but also to bring your unconscious expectations to your conscious awareness.

I hear this kind of statement a lot: "If he loved me, then he would {abc}" or "Marriage means {xyz}, she should know that, everyone knows that!"

It's amazing how much people believe the other *should* just know and value.

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Nice perspective. I think the terms of commitment can sometimes arise spontaneously and organically, without having to create a slot in the daily schedule for it. If, of course, both parties are already committed to direct, honest communication, but I can hardly envision entering into a partnership without those prereq's anyway.

This may be possible with just two people involved, but if you have a life together that involves other commitments (and I don't mean people, I mean things like clubs, boards, work, hobbies, friends, etc) this can sometimes fall by the wayside. Also if one or both people are in undergrad or graduate school, it can get hairy. The one not going to school can start to feel left out, lonely, abandoned, because if you are a dedicated student things can get pretty intense. Theses notwithstanding!

And if you have to share the chore of parenting. Parenting will suck the spontaneity out of a lot of people. Like meeeeeeeeee!

I also agree that the first part of the article was not all that engaging, at least for me, probably because the responses the the questions listed were mostly not anything that I resonate with and I found myself say "Jigga what?!" a few times. In fact, I did stop reading the question/response section and I just skipped to the commentary at the end...