One Year After Separation (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

One Year After Separation

[bright]

Were the threesomes MFF or MMF?

[aelle]

Wow, many things come to mind about that article, but the first is that I am really, really surprised that someone who subscribes to ideas like subjective realitiy and Law of Attraction believes that the biggest influences on a child's future are class, parents' level of education, how old the mother was when she had her first child etc. If anyone in the world believed people are not prisonners from external factors, I would have thought it'd be you, Steve.

To be clear, I know that the stats show these are big influences. But specific examples also show that if you examine your background critically and actively work on it, you can free yourself from these external factors. Aren't you the one who said that statistics aren't relevant to one's personal experience, both in terms of health, diet and business creation?

[Permafrost]

I personally rock at break ups, and am still good friends with my exes. Just because people choose separate paths at different stages in their life doesn't mean they have to devolve into bitter, fighting, victims. You guys seem to be on the right track for everything, and leaving your finances tangled up was very wise too. That often brings stress and contention if tackled too soon, when nerves are still raw and new experiences too new.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by bright

Were the threesomes MFF or MMF?

Always MFF. The latter doesn't appeal to me.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by aelle

Wow, many things come to mind about that article, but the first is that I am really, really surprised that someone who subscribes to ideas like subjective realitiy and Law of Attraction believes that the biggest influences on a child's future are class, parents' level of education, how old the mother was when she had her first child etc. If anyone in the world believed people are not prisonners from external factors, I would have thought it'd be you, Steve.

To be clear, I know that the stats show these are big influences. But specific examples also show that if you examine your background critically and actively work on it, you can free yourself from these external factors. Aren't you the one who said that statistics aren't relevant to one's personal experience, both in terms of health, diet and business creation?

You seem to see this as a disempowering thing. I don't. I see it as very liberating. I think it's a step forward to drop B.S. that doesn't matter and to let go of unreasonable notions of parenting.

You might enjoy reading the book Freakonomics to learn more about the factors that make a measurable difference vs. those that don't.

[cdavis]

aelle -

I got the impression that he meant that these factors will influence how a child turns out, not that they are the be all end all when it comes to what makes a good parent.

We all know the "poor little rich kids" who turned out to have more issues than anyone and the kids who came from the most dysfunctional families who rose to overcome a lot of adversity...but let's face it...where you end has a lot to do with where you begin.

and to bright - why are you asking the gender make-up of his 3-ways, does it really matter if they were MFF, MMF, or MFtranny?! lol

[roxyruby]

does MMF appeal to Rachelle?

[aelle]

Originally Posted by cdavis

aelle -

I got the impression that he meant that these factors will influence how a child turns out, not that they are the be all end all when it comes to what makes a good parent.

Yes, this is what I understood as well.
I'm currently (re)reading Gladwell's book "Outliers" that describes both how strongly our background influences our success in life, and specific cases of organizations, populations and individuals who have examined and purposefully corrected their background to shape their lives the way they want it.

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

You seem to see this as a disempowering thing. I don't. I see it as very liberating. I think it's a step forward to drop B.S. that doesn't matter and to let go of unreasonable notions of parenting.

I don't get that. It seems as defeatist to me as saying that social class is statistically what matters most in terms of professional success (which is true) so we might as well give up 'unrealistic' expectations about how much money we can make.

[Daffy Duck]

Social class does matter. A lot. However, that doesn't mean a person can't go from rags to riches if they have the determination and talent to succeed.

External factors affect us a lot, whether or not we believe in LoA, subjectivity, etc. For one, I didn't choose to speak English. Everyone around me spoke it and I just picked it up as a baby. That's just one of millions of examples.

Steve - thanks for sharing your story. I was never married but I went through a rough breakup years ago with an ex-fiance. Sounds like your separation has gone much smoother!

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

You might enjoy reading the book Freakonomics to learn more about the factors that make a measurable difference vs. those that don't.

If I recall correctly, Freakonomics merely discussed a study which talked about the likelihood of a child growing up to attain a college education.

The study mentioned certain factors as having a statistically significant effect on that outcome, eg the socioeconomic status of the parents,

and other factors as having little or no effect,

eg whether the parents spent time taking their children to museums, or whether the parents read books to their children etc.

The study, however, was merely about whether the child would eventually go to college and graduate from college ....

and not about any other aspects of the child (eg his/her happiness; psychological wellbeing; character; personality etc).

[Hemlock]

I enjoy research that shows things like, how those who are the oldest in their grade grow up to have more confidence, make better leaders and do better in life.

Does it make sense that if you are the tallest, most mentally and physically developed person in your class that you'd probably grow up with more confidence, yes. Do I know many mothers who see it as a great idea to start their child in school later than absolutely necessary, nope.

[Zach M]

If it was 10pm when I got the idea, I could be on the road by midnight. I’d get there around 4am, and I’d play blackjack (counting cards) for a few hours till I made enough to get a hotel room.

So you can pack for two hours, drive for four, and still have the mental clarity to count cards at 4 AM? I'm impressed. I wonder if anyone can learn to do that?

BTW, glad you're doing well.

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I think it would be awesome to travel around the world with them and give them a real education as opposed to having them sit in a classroom and read about things they could be seeing and touching.

I think this would be a great idea.

I almost think any responsible parent would keep their kids as far away from traditional education as possible.

[Rachelle]

Originally Posted by roxyruby

does MMF appeal to Rachelle?

For me, it really depends on the individual rather than their gender. In that case, MMF could appeal to me if it were with the right people. I'm pretty selective.

MFF definitely appeals to me too, though.

[roxyruby]

Originally Posted by Rachelle

For me, it really depends on the individual rather than their gender. In that case, MMF could appeal to me if it were with the right people. I'm pretty selective.

MFF definitely appeals to me too, though.

cool

[Jake Birkett]

Personally I like the sound of FFMFF, although I imagine you have to eat well beforehand.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by aelle

Yes, this is what I understood as well.
I'm currently (re)reading Gladwell's book "Outliers" that describes both how strongly our background influences our success in life, and specific cases of organizations, populations and individuals who have examined and purposefully corrected their background to shape their lives the way they want it.

Thanks Aelle, looks like an interesting book! Just downloaded on to the Ipad. Off to read

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

I'm always impressed with people who can separate without wanting to carve each others' eyes out with sporks.

[roxyruby]

what about MFT?

What about MMMMFFFFFFFFFMMMFFFTTTTTTTT?

[Andrew Brunelle]

Steve, this was a very good article. I didn't know Erin was such a stifler. You two are different people completely. Perhaps "opposites attract" is no longer true for you, at least not in a marriage or sexual relationship. I'm glad you've gotten to feel freer, and had the best of both worlds. You've certainly busted out and done some new things and you've had some self exploration as well. Keep it up, and keep doing what it is you are doing, and I'm sure you'll have many more things to blog about and challenges to overcome.

[cdavis]

3-ways are tricky, I think someone always feels left out.

I've had 3-ways where it was clear that there was more chemistry between the other 2 and I left like leaving mid-way but stuck around till the end of the show because you feel like if you leave, you've breached some unspoken orgy contract you've entered into by getting into bed...and bad orgy karma is the worst karma there is lol

I've also been in a 3-way where there was more chemistry between me and one other person, and the other person felt left out, and even though you feel like you want to shoo them away when they're coming at you, you know you have to give them pity sex because of the orgy contract once again.

I think it's difficult to work out a really good 3-way...maybe 4-ways are the way to go, but then again those usually branch off into 2 separate 2-ways going on simultaneously.

Maybe 5-ways are the wave of the future

[ssandra]

I think 3-ways are fun, if all three are into all three.

Or if 2 are really into making the 1 feel very very good, that's also lots of fun...

Still have to experience a 4-way, but it sounds like fun.

[Chris_1977]

I think it is quite brave of Steve to share these personal things with us all!

[ssandra]

Just some thoughts that came to me last night;

Have you guys thought about couples therapy? Not to work on getting back together, because it does sound like you guys made the right decision (and that is not for me to judge anyway), but to work on your communication and the mutual feeling of lingering resentment?

Sometimes having a third party in the room can help you see through the BS that you've been telling yourself without knowing it (like the exercises we did at the CGW). And they can maybe propose solutions for situations that you haven't thought about it.

If anything, it will improve the relationship and the communication that you already have, and that can only be a good thing.

(do pick someone who has an open mind and knows about open relationships, polyamory and things like that, otherwise you'll spend your first 5 sessions explaining about that )

[danas]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

and I suspect that she’s still coming to grips with the fact that I’m not the Jewish Family Guy

I'd like to break some stereotypes here

There are plenty of (Jewish or not) family men & women out there who are very adventurous. Its not all black and white

My Mom and her (Jewish ) husband for instance. They live in one of the most remote places on earth with their two teenage sons, they've lived there for 16 years, and did not move there bc of business, but bc they love adventure and different cultures. Only later did they start a business so they could stay there.
They are one of the most united families Ive ever seen
They decide as a family where they will go next, and when my mom calls me, often my first question is "What continent are you on now ?" (Last time she answered- non- we are on an island. haha)
What Im saying is being a "family man" doesnt necessarily contradict being adventurous and being a risk taker.
My grandfather, a pretty conservative guy, also traveled with my grandmother all over, from Egypt to Bali, to LA. He taught me that the he secret to success is taking risks.

But its seems quite obvious that your decision to separate was a wise one. You seem incompatible in basic things. Its your way of enjoying the world.

I am also impulsive and adventurous and this is a top priority for what I am looking for in a mate. A person who isnt adventurous and willing to take risks will probably think Im completely insane and wild. And I would find them boring boring boring.
But I also love being with my family. I love big dinners and kids running around. My family members inspire me, often even more then my friends. they are high vibrational mostly.
I hope to have a united adventurous family of my own one day.

[Marth]

What about sending child support checks each month? That's gotta suck

[Erin Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Marth

What about sending child support checks each month? That's gotta suck

What's sucky about making sure your kids are eating?

[cdavis]

For real, why the heck would Steve not want to support his kids?

That comment wasn't cool.

[Marth]

I'm all for supporting kids with food shelter school, some of the child support rates are a little out there it's gotta suck