avoiding Darkworker narcissism

[Truefire]

I'm having trouble "going dark," I know theres a heavy bias for me to think for myself, and I'd like to explore it more.

I tried it for a week and and it lead to incredible selfishness and I eventually crashed because I felt like I had betrayed others around me and that my path was hurting me spiritually and emotionally. I did experience profound motivation and mental clarity when I made the switch, but its like I sunk back down into a lower level of consciousness afterwards and subsequently crashed and burned.

Here's what happened. I made the switch out of curiousity, and kept it up for a week. In the first few days I felt full of energy, purpose and mental clarity. I listened better in class, I did more homework, I made new friends, and joined toastmasters, all for me. It was great, I even felt more free socially, like I was more accepted and suave(people noticed). I was louder and more expressive than I usually am, and people seemed to appreciate my views on a new level because of such a confident delivery. However I became narcissistic and selfish after a few days thinking "how can X situation benefit me?" anytime I needed motivation. Gradually this led me to indulge in more and more selfish acts that eventually led to booze, idiotic behaviour, possibly the most dangerous night of my life, as I worked to provide myself with more and more gratification.
after one week!! I haven't been that drunk and stupid since leaving campus residences!

As a darkworker, how can one avoid this situation? How can you choose to work solely for your purposes without becoming so attached to your needs that you lose yourself chasing selfish desires and instant gratification?

-Truefire

[Truefire]

Here's my dilemma, I want fast cars, money, and status. But I also want spiritual development. I can't seem to reconcile the two.

The only thing I've yet come across that seems to address this is Ken Wilbur's Integral approach, but I've only just discovered that a few days ago and its bit baffling at first glance. any ideas?

[Katrina]

Maybe you crashed because before you were working towards a higher level of consciousness through different beliefs, so when you started as a darkworker you had to start all the way at the bottom thus making yourself very vulnerable to the Darkworker Syndrome (which is basically self-destructing because you can't reconcile the needs of the whole and your own needs and understand how they're related).

I think I'd suggest thinking through your decisions more. If X is going to serve you now, is X going to hurt another now that will ultimately hurt you in the future?

For example, if you do things for yourself now that alienate others or hurt them, there might not be others around later when you want them, are lonely, need their help, etc. So even if at first doing it seemed like you were serving your needs, ultimately you worked against yourself because you set up a situation where your needs couldn't be met in the future.

[Nabusman]

@Truefire

One thing I don't get is why you got drunk? You say you want cars/money/status, which means you should know that you will have to work. That you will have to keep a clear mind and a healthy body. You should be hatching plans in the basement with a gleam in your eye and rubbing your hands together in anticipation (add a mischievous laugh for good measure) when all your friends are out getting drunk...

[Shindra]

Nabusman seems to have gotten the point.

Always look at the big picture! Long-term plans. Not immediate gratification, but long-term power.

If you want to be dark, let go of the idea of spiritual development and embrace self-development. Though they are ultimately the same, they look different at lower levels of consciousness. But most importantly, they feel different throughout a light or darkwork life. Focus on heightening your consciousness as a means of increasing your power. Apply the darkworker emotion, that motivation, to the problem.

[Truefire]

Originally Posted by Nabusman

@Truefire

One thing I don't get is why you got drunk? You say you want cars/money/status, which means you should know that you will have to work. That you will have to keep a clear mind and a healthy body. You should be hatching plans in the basement with a gleam in your eye and rubbing your hands together in anticipation (add a mischievous laugh for good measure) when all your friends are out getting drunk...

Point taken, unfortunately there's no basement that I can use, I'll have to settle for hatching plans in my parents house, and they get weirded out by maniacal laughter for some reason.

I got drunk at the end of a downward spiral, my level of consciousness couldn't handle darkworking very well and I hemorrhaged due to misplaced selfishness. Being drunk has a time and place under the right conditions. Mine wasn't the right condition.

Shindra, thanks for your reply. I've always have issues with procrastination and postponing gratification, they just seemed justifiable under the darkworker mindset at the time. Higher consciousness does equal spiritual development, I see that now. thanks

-Truefire

[persephonevii]

I fell victim to that "how can X situation benefit me?" when I did the Darkworker path. Ultimately, I got trailed off the path completely, got sick of it and forgot about polarity for a few days. I thought of the thought pattern of 'how can I best serve others' for Lightworkers and realised this type of thinking could just be as repulsive, because one can crash as a Lightworker too. I got too selfish so I crashed, plus the almost obbsessive thinking of 'how can X situation benefit me?' just drove me nuts. If I did the Lightworker path, I would get too selfless and crash too. Either way, it's pretty bad... could be enough to turn some people off the polarizing path.

I think you have to set up some sort of definite goal then use the darkworker path to get there. Although, I like the idea of working for the long term. If you polarize, it sounds like you polarize for life so of course you are going to have to keep an eye on the long-term and not act out now, even if it serves you now.

[Shindra]

Hmm. I think playing actively with polarities at lower levels of consciousness is what's dangerous. I do most of the 'playing' in my imagination, while keeping my actions the same. I find outlets that I am sure will not disturb the other polarization before I have chosen.

I think when you've fully chosen a polarization, you gain clarity and a kind of emotional motivation that just knows what to do.
There's no problem with procrastination - if you keep your eye on the 'big, hairy, audacious goal' which is what really motivates us, and see the smaller act as somthing that goes directly towards that, the smaller act becomes joyous. See: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...hest-pounding/
The big goals? The best life for you/The best life for all.

But in some way, polarization in itself is much more primary than goals - it's a mindset that inspires goals. "I am the singular most important being" or, er, "I choose love for all"... the second there wasn't phrased as well as the first, but you get the idea. Feel the feeling, if it doesn't feel good, you're not there. And when you haven't had the feelings as references, it can be impossible and painful to try to intellectualize it.

I think that, if you do too much without being fully polarized, what happens is that you sabotage yourself because the other polarization is niggling somewhere in your mind.

"I am too important to sabotage myself!"
"Life is perfect and beautiful, I show love for all, and that includes my self."

When thinking doesn't get you anywhere, use your emotions
Use the emotion of self-importance and see where it goes, which thoughts and actions feel better.
Use the emotion of compassionate love and see the same.
Remember that at higher levels of consciousness, you're guided by something more than your intellect.
On the other hand, you can focus on being intelligently careful (towards dark) and intelligently taking care of yourself (towards light)