Something has shifted

[pfk]

Something shifted about ten days ago.

I’ve always had difficulty accepting praise, other than a passing “good job” or “well done”. Anything beyond that, and I’m squirming in discomfort, looking for a place to hide (preferably a hole that opens directly beneath me to swallow me up). The worst time for this was during the annual performance evaluations at the firm. I dreaded them! One year I actually insisted my boss change the overall evaluation he gave me, as I felt it was too high, and I wouldn’t sign it unless he did. I just felt way too uncomfortable about it.

Fast forward a couple years to last year, and a different division of the same firm, with a different boss. Performance evaluations have reared their ugly heads again (the division I'm currently in didn't do evaluations until last year). But it got worse! Not only did I have to sit through my boss’s evaluation of me, but I had to complete one of my own, rating myself! That was very painful for me to do. I gave myself “average” on everything. I also had to do the evaluations for two people who report to me, and they had to do their own evaluations.

When I met with one of the two who report to me, I was shocked at her evaluation of her performance. She gave herself top ratings for most categories, and all I could think was that she had a very inflated impression of her abilities. I was really upset by it, but didn’t say/do anything.

Fast forward to last week. We’re getting close to evaluation time again, and I was dreading it. I was thinking about how I was feeling about it, and about the evaluation my staff member had given herself. Why was I so upset by it? Was she not worth the evaluation she gave of herself? Is she not a great employee? She is, and I’d be devastated to lose her. So what’s the problem?

I realized that the problem wasn’t her, but ME. I feel so uncomfortable receiving praise, and I was dumping that feeling onto her. That’s when something shifted. I realized that she is worthy of praise, and so am I.

Since that realization, I’ve noticed some interesting changes. I feel calmer and more comfortable in my skin. It’s even manifested physically, with my blood pressure dropping to the point where I may have to lower my medication.

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m almost looking forward to evaluation time – it will be interesting to see what I give myself this year!

Thank you, Steve, for helping me with the shift!

pfk