Polarized Problem-Solving (Blog)

[seeker5]

So, then does this mean you can choose different polarity approach for different problems in life, without reducing your overall effectiveness? For example, it wouldn't hurt if I chose a darkworker polarity for most of my situation, and then chose a lightworker approach for a romantic relationship?

[impaul99]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

FYI I wouldn't use this fear-based approach today. The story I wrote was from many years ago, long before I launched StevePavlina.com.

A fear-based approach is thinking you need to recover money you've lost by taking it from somone. A love-based approach recognizes that money is abundant and can always be created anew, so there's no need to fret over losses or seek retribution when you have the option of focusing on the creative side.

In fact, this love-based approach helped me a lot on the path to financial abundance. Instead of fussing over my expenses, I largely ignored them and put my energy on the income side by focusing on creating value.

So what you're saying is that today you would handle the situation as a lightworker acting purely out of love? If so, in what way would your life be different from today until the day you die, compared to Jesus Christ?

For example, if a homeless person rang your doorbell, would you let him sleep at your house or would you be afraid for your safety or the safety of your children and maybe give him some food and drive him to the homeless shelter?

If a teenage kid at school beat up one of your kids to the point they had broken bones and then chucked a brick through your window, would you deal with them by offering love?

I mean I can come up with any number of examples where I take something you care about (your kids, your safety, your peace, your freedom, etc.) and threaten to take it away, injure it, etc. Are you saying you would always react with love now that you've chosen to be a lightworker?

I can see that right now you wouldn't chase after a $300 refund, but maybe that's because you make quite a bit of money from your blog nowadays, but what if someone stole $35k from you? Or defrauded you by stealing your kids college money? or $300k? or some big amount you do care about?

See, I still don't see how someone can live a human life purely polarized in one direction. For example, if you come to my house and offer me love and respect I will reflect that back to you in multiples. However, if you break into my house at night trying to hurt me and my family, LOVE is not what you will feel hitting you in the head before you regain consciousness.

I'm sorry, but I just see that both sides are still needed in life for as long as we still have any snippen of an EGO within us. Once we truly transcend EGO and become perfect and enlightened like Christ or Buddha or something, then we might be able to be a pure Lightworker and act from love always and forever. Until then, why do you practice martial arts? So that you can learn how to love the people that try to hurt your family? I doubt that.

[songwriter]

Well, both Hitler and Jesus not had... a happy ending. I guess the best is to be assertive.

Steve... this is the post you have wrote that I less agree with it. But I'm not close minded, so I guess if I disagree so much... it's maybe because I'm closing my mind to something or so... mmm...

I'm not a great achiever of things, that's for sure. But I'm mostly happy. I guess that is for the assertive way. Maybe polarizing I would achieve more things, one way or another, maybe I would feel worse... but maybe achieving those things I would be happy...

Sometimes I've deal with someone in the very agresive-dark way... It looked like I solved the problem... but it was not. The problem was then inside of me not outside. So I tried for a mutual understanding.

Anyway what's the use of achieving something? As long I can live being true to myself, I'm happy. Achieve for what? for then wanting to achieving some other thing...

Let's say I deal with a girl. I know the polarities work better... "Nice guy and bad guy" but hardly something balanced. Yeah, I'm alone but not in a tricky relationship. At the end... you only got yourself. I think.

Or maybe I'm just a fool...

[eternomi]

Originally Posted by impaul99

I mean I can come up with any number of examples where I take something you care about (your kids, your safety, your peace, your freedom, etc.) and threaten to take it away, injure it, etc. Are you saying you would always react with love now that you've chosen to be a lightworker?

These are scenarios you concocted in your mind. They are no more real than the movies on TV. What Steve experiences has to do with his own beliefs and such, and what you experience has to do with yours. Whether he will ever face these situations have more to do with his own internal state, and if he does, then he'll know or learn what to do according to his own internal state at that point in time.

One thing we do is think we know what it is to be in someone else's shoes when in fact we never can know such a thing. We would have to think exactly like that other person which we cannot do unless we are that person. Ultimately you experience reality through your own filters, and you will act accordingly.

I'm sorry, but I just see that both sides are still needed in life for as long as we still have any snippen of an EGO within us. Once we truly transcend EGO and become perfect and enlightened like Christ or Buddha or something, then we might be able to be a pure Lightworker and act from love always and forever. Until then, why do you practice martial arts? So that you can learn how to love the people that try to hurt your family? I doubt that.

Once again, I think you are trying to project yourself into the minds of Jesus, Buddha and Steve. Clearly if you studied martial arts it would only be to defend yourself or others. Nothing wrong with that. For others, there is more to martial arts than self defense. In fact most martial arts (but not all) are based on self-discipline first (not self-defense) which includes not harming anyone unless you are being attacked. Some martial arts use the enemy's force against himself (thus would not quite work unless you are being attacked).

The way I understood polarization is that it is a perspective, a mindset. Something horrible might have happened and you might be after righting the wrong. How you handle the situation, what you think and feel throughout the process has to do with your mindset even though you might be taking the same actions! For example "blame" is a very common game most people play and it is a "fear" based response. But not blaming (=acceptance) does not have to mean no action at all! Like I said, you will most likely act similarly whether you want to act from love or fear, but your internal state would be different throughout the process. And that internal state makes all the difference!

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by iry

except to the extent you require their help

If we really need their help, we can only use "Love"? What if they still remain "evil"?

1- You can definitely use fear to manipulate people into helping you

2- Love is not about manipulating people. Love is about loving them, their decisions, and their own free will. Love is unconditional acceptance.

[eternomi]

Originally Posted by yossarian

Love is unconditional acceptance.

IMO, a lot of people equate acceptance with no action and submission. Acceptance is necessary to get past denial, but it does not mean you should get stuck where you are. Life is about change, growth and moving forward and acceptance is a very necessary piece. It is the first step of change, growth and moving forward. However, most people practice acceptance this way: "Yup. That's it. That's me. This is how it is and there is nothing I can do about it!" whereas it should really stop at "Yup. That's it" and then go to "What can I do about it? How do I change it?". Most people never make the leap to asking questions which will help them turn things around.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by eternomi

IMO, a lot of people equate acceptance with no action and submission. Acceptance is necessary to get past denial, but it does not mean you should get stuck where you are. Life is about change, growth and moving forward and acceptance is a very necessary piece. It is the first step of change, growth and moving forward. However, most people practice acceptance this way: "Yup. That's it. That's me. This is how it is and there is nothing I can do about it!" whereas it should really stop at "Yup. That's it" and then go to "What can I do about it? How do I change it?". Most people never make the leap to asking questions which will help them turn things around.

Yeah I totally agree, the way I like to look at is is that you not only accept the present and the past, but you accept change and the malleable future. So you accept all that exists, including the fact that change is real and people are meant to grow.

An accepting person will still try to change things, but he approaches both failure and success with the same attitude.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by JAlvy

So, to make sure, it is not possible/or effective to switch polarities based on what you want from different goals?

Initially the best way to learn about polarity is to begin using them selectively for certain situations. So you may use love for one situation and fear for another.

After a few years of doing this, you'll begin to grasp the big picture, and the benefits of picking a single polarity will be more clear.

A single polarity gives you a much greater across-the-board congruence. With polarization you begin to experience synergy, where the different parts of your life start fitting together more cooperatively. The expression of love/fear in one area supports the same polarity in other areas.

When you keep mixing fear and love, even if you do your best to compartmentalize them, you never reach the point of synergy. Some of your love-based actions will undo your fear-based progress, and vice versa.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Bitsy

And as a side note, Steve had taken a stand towards love-polarization, but now he has completely reneged on everything he was advocating prior to this .

The basis of love polarization is that you learn to accept reality without resistance, including fear itself. A love polarized person has no need to be afraid of fear or to treat it like a dirty word. Love and fear are not enemies.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by impaul99

So what you're saying is that today you would handle the situation as a lightworker acting purely out of love? If so, in what way would your life be different from today until the day you die, compared to Jesus Christ?

For example, if a homeless person rang your doorbell, would you let him sleep at your house or would you be afraid for your safety or the safety of your children and maybe give him some food and drive him to the homeless shelter?

If a teenage kid at school beat up one of your kids to the point they had broken bones and then chucked a brick through your window, would you deal with them by offering love?

I mean I can come up with any number of examples where I take something you care about (your kids, your safety, your peace, your freedom, etc.) and threaten to take it away, injure it, etc. Are you saying you would always react with love now that you've chosen to be a lightworker?

I can see that right now you wouldn't chase after a $300 refund, but maybe that's because you make quite a bit of money from your blog nowadays, but what if someone stole $35k from you? Or defrauded you by stealing your kids college money? or $300k? or some big amount you do care about?

See, I still don't see how someone can live a human life purely polarized in one direction. For example, if you come to my house and offer me love and respect I will reflect that back to you in multiples. However, if you break into my house at night trying to hurt me and my family, LOVE is not what you will feel hitting you in the head before you regain consciousness.

I'm sorry, but I just see that both sides are still needed in life for as long as we still have any snippen of an EGO within us. Once we truly transcend EGO and become perfect and enlightened like Christ or Buddha or something, then we might be able to be a pure Lightworker and act from love always and forever. Until then, why do you practice martial arts? So that you can learn how to love the people that try to hurt your family? I doubt that.

Your examples are what I'd call being lovey-dovey, not love polarized.

Being love-polarized doesn't mean feeling the emotion of love and pushing it on everyone you meet. Sure you could do that, but if you're smart you can do a lot more for the planet than helping a few homeless people.

If your perspective is very narrow and you care only about your family or your local community, then your thinking, your actions, and your impact will be extremely limited. Think about how to be of service to the whole planet instead. Where are we headed, and what do we need to change? What role could you play in that? Could you have a bigger impact than you're now having?

If you polarize with love and care about all people everywhere, including those who aren't even born yet, then playing it small is simply not an option.

Jesus didn't have Internet access, so he had to go around on foot. Today that would be a suboptimal approach. Nevertheless, he still managed to draw some big crowds and did plenty of public speaking. I don't recall him doing much one-on-one coaching when he could address larger crowds. I imagine it was important to him to get the Word out efficiently.

Martial arts (at least as I practice it) isn't about inflicting violence on others.

[newdad]

I have never posted to any forum before so I hope that this is going to the right spot.

I have a situation that I am trying to examin using polarity based problem solving.

Here is the situation. I married a woman about two years ago that had an 11 yo., now 13. The daughter never had any form of discipline growing up. Mother felt guilty about leaving dad and tried being buddies with her. The daughter never performed any chores, never had a set bedtime, never was held responsible for her actions, was allowed to talk-back and use abusive language towards mother, has been on and off behavior modifying drugs since she was six or seven, and has a real father that is 38 years old, has been in and out of jail and lives in his grandmothers basement with his own father.

She has always been an extreme challenge, even before I came into the picture. But, now that I am in the picture and she is living in my house I expect more from her. I do not tolerate her using abusive words towards her mother, I expect her to do a few simple chores around the house, I expect her to go to bed at a set time and expect her to respect property that doesn't belong to her.

We have tried reward programs to help her achieve these expectations. That backfired. She feels these reward ( i.e, money and a ride to the movies, permission to have a friend over, etc...) are her rights. She refused to do anything, she received nothing, but she became out of control. She followed her mother everywhere for hours (literally multiple hours) asking the same questions over and over trying to get her to submit to letting her do what she wants. Her requests became violent. I've taken her to counselors and nothing has helped.

We tried punishing. We made one rule to make things simple, "No talking back". We would ground her for one day for each time she broke this rule. She would rack up groundings of a half-year or more as she persisted and got more frustrated.

I've had it with her. I have a ten mo. old son that is wonderful. I want to raise him without fearing that her constant complaining, demanding, whining, fighting, abuse, etc... is going to effect his behavior. I don't want him being exposed to the hostility that she can bring out in us. I want him to see a loving and nurturing environment. I have done everything I could to ensure that mom can stay home with him during the day so that he doesn't get shoved off to an impersonal day care.

Now I am trying to decide how to proceed with her based on polarity. If I choose a love based polarity. I will forgive her of her transgressions, allow her to say what she wants and overlook her misbehavior in order to try to gain her love and hope that by these actions she would then respect us and desire to do better? I can't seem to buy this line of thought. If I were allow this, I am basically telling her she doesn't need to be responsible for her actions. I can't see how that will help her when she gets out into the real world.

If I go the other route and choose a fear-based approach I basically would walk into the room and say my house my rules. Either do as I say or get out. The problem is, she would have no where to go. Her dad, can't take her in. The basement he lives in is part of a 50 and over community that won't permit kids in the neighborhood. Her grandparents dealt with her before her mother and I married and don't want to deal with her. Even if I tried overwhelming force and took away every priveledge, forced her to work until she was too tired to argue, and basically punish her until she was ready to submit to behaving lest she suffer more punishment. I couldn't count that as success. First off, that would be a mighty battle and very stressful. Second, how would basically breaking the will of a child help that child once they go off into the real world?

I am trying to see a route based off of one of these polarities that might help her and us, but it seems that either extreme if carried out successfully would not produce a fully desired result.

Anyone see any other solutions?

Sorry this explanation is so long...

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

The basis of love polarization is that you learn to accept reality without resistance, including fear itself. A love polarized person has no need to be afraid of fear or to treat it like a dirty word. Love and fear are not enemies.

Phew! Thanks for answering this. I can't count how many posts I asked it in. I thought you were avoiding the issue.

If you are love-polarized, fear cannot be in your realm of emotional experiences, as far as I understand, so I guess when you talk about fear, it has become a theoretical notion to you. However, "we others" - like me - I am not polarized and I want to change so I have a non-dualistic life and right now it feels detrimental to my progress to entertain the thought of polarity -

I cannot view the fear-polarization without...fear, because I am vulnerable to fear-based things done to me, and things not even far in the past, things that are so awful I feel sick when I think about them - this is even why I found this site. I cannot tell myself it is ok to carry out the mental abuses and other things I see as evil (fear-based) that others have done to me or that I see they do to one another, because in so doing, I feel I let some wall down in myself and tell myself it is ok for me to do those bad things too, and it's not ok, it never will be, if I do them, or anyone else does them.

For that reason, I cannot see a fear-based polarity as not being evil. Until I am safe from them like you, I can't think otherwise, or I will become like they are and I would do to others the things I hate...then I guess I would hate myself...

I hope you understand me. It's premature for me to think about polarity, I'm not safe yet, I'm trying to get safe.

[eternomi]

Originally Posted by Bitsy

If you are love-polarized, fear cannot be in your realm of emotional experiences, as far as I understand, so I guess when you talk about fear, it has become a theoretical notion to you.

I think there is a clash of terminologies here.

Fear the emotion, is not the same as fear the polarization (if I understood it right). Fear the polarization is a mindset whereas fear the emotion is a feedback mechanism of your brain. Thus, you may continue experiencing fear the emotion even if you are not fear-polarized. Emotions are just chemical reactions that inform you about the internal states of your mind. They are non-verbal feedback paths that inform you about what's going on in there.

Fear seems to have two root causes:
1) Protection
2) Lack of knowledge and/or understanding

#1 is surely needed (don't touch the hot stove!), but #2 could sometimes be mistaken for #1. I think that is the main problem for most people. What we don't understand, we fear. What we fear, we ignore/avoid. What we ignore/avoid, we get accustomed to. And finally, what we get accustomed to, we are reluctant to change!

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by eternomi

I think there is a clash of terminologies here.

I don't think so. I was addressing Steve personally, not "you" in general. He says he has polarized to love and I have explored elsewhere on his website where he says has transcended fear, so I meant he personally does not experience fear anymore, so if he talks about it, it is only in theory now, I mean for him, it's a theory, but not for me - for me it is still a practical reality.

[fretho]

newdad - It seems like this young woman does not know what she really wants in life. If she did, she would spend her time pursuing it instead of harassing her mother. I would try focusing on increasing her awareness of her behavior, bringing her attention to the logical consequences of her actions, and what is fair and what's not. Teenagers love to argue, and if you keep your cool you can likely point out a great many inconsistencies in her present worldview. For example, it's inconsistent to disrespect her mother and get money from her mother at the same time. If she thinks it is, ask her to justify it logically. Whatever you do, keep your cool. She doesn't want to be ruled by your emotions -- if anyone's emotions are going to run her life, she's obviously going to want it to be her own.

Now, back to polarity. From a dark (self-interest) perspective there are many reasons to want this girl to respect you. You'll be more respected by your peers, you'll be in a better situation, and you'll have less to worry about. Above all, you'll respect yourself more if you can get obedience out of your own daughter.

From a light (building for others) perspective there are also many reasons to want her to respect you. She will be better off as an individual. Her mother will have less to worry about. The world will be a truly better place if this young woman respects others.

From her perspective, if she's dark she should respect you because it will get her what she wants more effectively. If she's light she should respect you because it will make you feel better. (Likewise for her mom, and any other adult.)

[eternomi]

Originally Posted by Bitsy

I don't think so. I was addressing Steve personally, not "you" in general

I quoted you but I wasn't addressing you directly either.

[grogan]

I am curious about how the concepts of polarization and subjective reality fit together. Eg question: If there is no separation between you and everyone else on the the planet and you have 'mastered' say love polarization, if you encounter a fear polarized person does that mean you are not fully polarized??

[impaul99]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Martial arts (at least as I practice it) isn't about inflicting violence on others.

I absolutely agree with you. The point that I'm trying to make is that we both take martial arts. According to your polarization explanations, I would consider myself a Greyworker, and as such I would live my life MOSTLY polarized towards the LIGHT and as such never ATTACK anyone.

However, if someone attacked me or tried to attack my family, I WOULD defend myself. Applying Subjective Reality and LoA into the equation, since I am not sending out the fear of that, chances are it will never happen anyways, but IF it did, I would see defending myself as a valid action for a Greyworker.

My question is, would it be valid for a lightworker like yourself to use your martial arts training IF someone attacked you with the intent of killing you. Would it be in alignment with your lightworker ways to do that? If not, then why bother practicing martial arts? I mean, there are other benefits like fitness, discipline etc., but those can be learned in other ways besides martial arts. Or do you practice martial arts knowing that if the day came that you did have to use them, you would stop yourself and not use them anyways even if you could because you're now a lightworker.

I'm trying to understand what is meant by lightworker. Some on here have hinted to things that I would interpret as that you would still DEFEND yourself (which could very well require you to inflict pain on someone to subdue them) but you would do it with a loving intention in your mind while doing it.

If that is the case, then it is what your intention in your head (or in your spirit, whichever you believe) that determines whether you are a lightworker or a darkworker, not what you DO.

Is that correct? Because if so, then I can see how being a lightworker could work.

[Steve Pavlina]

If someone attacked me or my family, and it seemed wise to use my martial arts training in that situation, I'd give that person a well-deserved ass kicking to the best of my ability.

Letting myself or my family get beat up isn't being love polarized -- that's just being stupid.

Being love polarized isn't about meditating all day long or handing out flowers and hugs at the airport. You don't have to behave like a Smurf.

Love polarization is a fiery motivation that burns inside you where you feel absolutely incredible and want to express that creatively in a way that contributes to others. If someone wants to crush your contribution by attacking you, I say thrash them for the greater good.

The fascinating thing about polarization is that both polarities will often end up taking similar actions, although for entirely different reasons. A fear polarized person might have the same reaction.