Leadership (Blog)

[Cochonette]

You don't need to segregate yourself from those who aren't on your path unless they are bringing you down. That's when you need to find a network to support you, and then you won't be affected by those who would discourage you anymore. I, too, find it great to be around people who challenge my ways of thinking. But when I first became vegan, everyone I knew was not vegan and therefore presented a challenge to me. And it was so challenging that I needed to spend a LOT of time building my support network. Now, I do not find random people to be presenting much of a challenge to me with regard to veganism, only the ones who share a lot of my other intellectual interests but not necessarily this one. However, they don't challenge me by trying to dismiss my views in some lame way that many non-intellectual people do. They challenge me by thinking creatively.

[bluedragon]

Steve, thank you for taking the time to answer most of the comments, it helps to get some explanations regarding people's major problems with this kind of shift.

I recognized myself perfectly in everything you described, and I am feeling a huge emptiness, even though I've joined a kind of mastermind group, more of a self-coaching kind of group where I met a lot of wonderful people, but that's only once a week. I'm also doing an NLP course and lots of wonderful people there, too. But still it's not enough, cause most days, I don't see anyone, I just read, design websites, watch comedies and play games. I don't know where I could find enough people to actually feel connected. Even after leaving an NLP course, after hugging everyone and wondering how come I've never met so many wonderful people, I still feel that emptiness as soon as part company.

[Marth]

When you’re on a path of personal growth, inevitably you’re going to encounter some social resistance as you grow and change.

For example, suppose you make major progress in improving your diet. Maybe you go vegetarian or vegan or raw. Or perhaps you find another path that generates positive results for you. And suppose most of your family and friends still eat something close to the Standard American Diet (SAD), with lots of animal products and processed foods. Your way of eating falls out of sync with theirs, and everyone can’t help but notice. Now you’re in the minority — you no longer quite fit in.

Man no offense but I think your environment is way different than most. All of my friends and family are extremely supportive of any path I take there's no majority minority mindsets going on. You can have different preferences and still be friends with people. I don't follow this, most people are above the caveman majority mindset and have the ability to think for themselves.

And not to change topic too much here but most star athletes do eat meat, it's not some death food that destroys you.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Marth

And not to change topic too much here but most star athletes do eat meat, it's not some death food that destroys you.

Pro athletes tend to be poor models for long-term health and longevity. Many of them do not do well in their later years, partly due to the physical strain they put their bodies through. That's not an approach I'm interested in modeling.

If you want their results though, consider modeling what they do, including consuming thousands of extra calories per day and doing lengthy workouts.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Pro athletes tend to be poor models for long-term health and longevity. Many of them do not do well in their later years, partly due to the physical strain they put their bodies through. That's not an approach I'm interested in modeling.

If you want their results though, consider modeling what they do, including consuming thousands of extra calories per day and doing lengthy workouts.

I know many 80 year old meat-eaters who put people like me (in my late 20's) to shame when it comes to physical fitness.

Health and longevity is not cornered by the vegan/vegetarian crowd.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by James81

Health and longevity is not cornered by the vegan/vegetarian crowd.

Many factors other than lifestyle play a role of course, including genetics and environmental conditions.

By and large though, animal products and processed foods tend to do more harm than good in terms of overall vitality and longevity. It's especially cool to look at dark-field microscope slides to see what effects various foods have on people's blood cells. Many foods that are vegan are also best avoided, such as high-fructose corn syrup, coffee, alcohol, etc. So if you drop certain foods, it's important to be careful not to replace them with something worse. Some raw foodists say that it's more important to drop processed grain and sugar foods than dropping meat. Meat is easier to drop though because it's not as addictive.

[rgmwilliams]

Athletes, especially "high end" athletes are special cases. Like Steve points out:

Pro athletes tend to be poor models for long-term health and longevity. Many of them do not do well in their later years, partly due to the physical strain they put their bodies through. That's not an approach I'm interested in modeling.

If you want their results though, consider modeling what they do, including consuming thousands of extra calories per day and doing lengthy workouts.

Athletes, after retiring, go to "re-training" camps should de-condition and learn to eat "correctly" (if not healthy, as Steve is saying, but better).

In fact, many six day bicycle racers would drop dead when they were in their 40's or 50's because they wouldn't de-condition themselves.

We've learned a lot since then, but it's not always applied - too much emphasis is put on becoming a super athlete, and not the long run.

[ChrisG]

This is probably the most beautiful blog post Steve has ever written.

I feel inspired by this because (i) I don't smoke, (ii) I don't drink, and (iii) I'm a vegetarian.

A lot of people at my uni are smokers, and they don't seem to care much for the negative health impacts. It reminded me that it's good that I see the impacts of smoking for what they are.

I started drinking after I turned 18 (legal age in UK), and I didn't have that many good experiences with alcohol. There were very few beverages that I liked, and usually when I drank I ended up feeling depressed. I only remember two good experiences with alcohol. I quit seven months after my 18th birthday.
But- there are drinkers all around me, and sometimes I feel a bit awkward for not wanting to drink with them. It's like alcohol is a fundamental part of life. After reading this article, I can feel good about myself for choosing not to drink something which is so damaging to the body even though it seems to have such a high place in our culture. I would never have thought that my mere example might inspire others to consider their drinking habits.


I became a vegetarian in November 09, and my mom has always disagreed with the idea of me being vegetarian. Plus, sometimes it's hard when I see all of these delicious-looking meat dishes around me. I'm at the stage where I've set out into new waters, but I'm still surrounded by the old. I hope I can get over that hurdle and finally be surrounded with things that reinforce my dietary choice. I became vegetarian for the sake of my health and for the environment. These are good reasons to make this change! And I hope to stay true to them!

As for the whole "it's not your fault" thing, I think you would have to admit responsibility for the disconnect you're experiencing. However, it is an unavoidable fact that that's what you're going to experience if you go along this path. I think a valuable point here would be: Don't rue the past, you're on the right path. But if you want to make it work, then you are responsible for ensuring its success.

[jayh]

Originally Posted by ChrisG

This is probably the most beautiful blog post Steve has ever written.

I feel inspired by this because (i) I don't smoke, (ii) I don't drink, and (iii) I'm a vegetarian.

A lot of people at my uni are smokers, and they don't seem to care much for the negative health impacts. It reminded me that it's good that I see the impacts of smoking for what they are.

I started drinking after I turned 18 (legal age in UK), and I didn't have that many good experiences with alcohol. There were very few beverages that I liked, and usually when I drank I ended up feeling depressed. I only remember two good experiences with alcohol. I quit seven months after my 18th birthday.
But- there are drinkers all around me, and sometimes I feel a bit awkward for not wanting to drink with them. It's like alcohol is a fundamental part of life. After reading this article, I can feel good about myself for choosing not to drink something which is so damaging to the body even though it seems to have such a high place in our culture. I would never have thought that my mere example might inspire others to consider their drinking habits.


I became a vegetarian in November 09, and my mom has always disagreed with the idea of me being vegetarian. Plus, sometimes it's hard when I see all of these delicious-looking meat dishes around me. I'm at the stage where I've set out into new waters, but I'm still surrounded by the old. I hope I can get over that hurdle and finally be surrounded with things that reinforce my dietary choice. I became vegetarian for the sake of my health and for the environment. These are good reasons to make this change! And I hope to stay true to them!

As for the whole "it's not your fault" thing, I think you would have to admit responsibility for the disconnect you're experiencing. However, it is an unavoidable fact that that's what you're going to experience if you go along this path. I think a valuable point here would be: Don't rue the past, you're on the right path. But if you want to make it work, then you are responsible for ensuring its success.

Regarding your comment about delicious looking meat dishes - it only took me about four to five months before I started looking at meat dishes differently. I became a vegetarian for MANY reasons, but initially, meat dishes still looked yummy to me, especially things like meat cooking on an outdoor grill, etc.. But I felt a gradual shift in my feelings about these dishes as I continued to eat a vegetarian diet... And now, I'm totally disgusted by the thought of eating a dead animal. Now when I see bacon, or a hamburger, all I see is dead muscle tissue, fat, and blood. I know this doesn't bother some people, but it does me... It's just interesting to me that the shift occured so quickly. My mom still thinks I should feel deprived for not eating all these "yummy" foods.

Although, one of the first times I ever considered going vegetarian (long ago) was the first time I had chicken wings... I know some hard core meat eaters who still don't like getting a vein stuck between their teeth at the dinner table!

OK -my rant is over --

[liptos]

Steve, this has become one of my all time favorite articles. Since it's appeared, it's become one of my primary bookmarked links for reference and has added immense value to my life repeatedly. Thank you so much.

The funny thing is, it came at exactly the perfect time when I was ready for it. I needed to understand the message for a long time, but until the time you published it, I wouldn't have been ready or understood or had the personal experience to truly see the value.

Lately, this article has assisted in quickening my growth as I've switched to an %100 natural foods diet (nothing processed, no alcohol), barefoot running, sleeping 10 PM - 6 AM, and been surrounded by many unsupportive critical "friends" (and a few true ones). It has really assisted the transformation, exactly as you explain, from the defensive approval-seeking follower to the strong, confident, leader in these matters. Each day my self-esteem and confidence grow (not in that I'm better than other people, but rather truly understanding that no one else is better than me), and I'm screening and tuning out the unsupportive critical friends (not that criticism is inherently bad, but here it's coming from a biased source and is generally a waste of my time since they usually just want to win an argument) in favor of positive growth-oriented supportive ones. And, most importantly, I'm building a deep-seated confidence that this is the right path.

I wrote this primarily to let you know what an impact this had on me and that your frequency exactly matched what I needed at this level and was immensely helpful.

As an attempt to add more value for you, I'd like to share some thoughts and details that have been coming up as I continue my process towards becoming a leader and on applying this article, since I am right in the middle of it as we speak:

I think by far the ***biggest*** obstacle in the understanding and extracting of value from this article (and many others) and keeping one from becoming a leader is social conditioning. If you are in social conditioning land, depending on the degree and what type of society you've been conditioned with, you will place a high importance on following what everybody else does. Rocking the boat is almost always not worth it, if it's even considered at all. Being "normal", following social norms, is given very high value, except when it obviously conflicts with reality (and even then sometimes not). Not conforming brings the label "weird" which has very low value by social norms, even if those norms do not at all accurately measure things that humans might really value if they didn't have preconceived notions. Some aspects of social conditioning land (at least some where I've been) are:

-Eating the SAD is high value, trying any type of diet is "weird", low value, even worrying about your health and considering it of major importance is "weird"

-Drinking alcohol is normal and high value, abstaining is weird and low value, if you don't join in, you're not sharing in the experience with other people.

-Sleeping ~3 AM - 10 AM is normal and fun and high value, sleeping 10 PM - 6 AM is being weird and low value, like an old man

-Spending lots of money eating and drinking out and on flashy entertainment is high value and normal, staying in and doing things at home or free simple things outside with each other is low value and weird, for losers and nerds

-This is a big one: Personal development and self-help are really weird and nerdy, even reading nonfiction of any sort is weird and nerdy, following the status quo and watching pro football (or X popular sport) is normal and high value, even if you don't really care about the sport. I'm not saying those sports are inherently bad, I'm saying following them just because everyone else does is something I often see.

-Also a big one: Being critical and negative in relationships is normal and even cool or "macho". I bought into this one for a long time. The negative group dynamic where everyone criticizes and brings each other down is by all accounts the norm for personal relationships where I've been. On the other side, being supportive and positive in relationships was looked down upon as boring or lame from many many groups I was in. The couple groups I saw being positive and uplifting of each other were either looked down upon or were never believed to be true way things were, behind closed curtains they must have been attacking each other also. But once I started clearing my mind of prejudices, I enjoy being in those uplifting positive relationships incredibly more than the "cool" groups that just attack each other and don't care about each other, the "shells of relationships" you talked about. Myself 6 months ago would probably look down on the me writing this now as a ***** or lame loser, but I now have deep confidence in this one.

-Talking about deep topics is weird or boring, talking about trivia in the news that people look up just for topics to talk about is normal and cool

etc. these are the major social conditioning blocks that come to mind

******Incidentally, the funny thing is that being a nerd and into nerdy hobbies that are not socially accepted like anime, sci-fi, video games, math (just my personal examples), are more likely to wake you up from social conditioning because being who you are and loving what you do tends to cause pain from others in these cases because you don't measure up to society's norms. Thus, there is more incentive psychologically for you to wake up. Whereas a star football player who watches all major sports, into cars and guitar (again not necessarily bad things) essentially is the top of social norms and "wins" the social game, is also it seems more likely to believe very strongly in those social norms (hence the religiosity of football and other of the above norms in certain sectors who subscribe to those "religions") and believe they are real, i.e. will never wake up because he has a strong incentive to. Things are great by social norms, so why even question them? It's funny how many athiests I meet were so only because they were dissatisfied with experiences they had in whatever church or religion they prescribed to, I don't seem to meet many athiests who had it great in church with a great family and then suddenly decided to cut it. There had to probably be some psychological and emotional pain to trigger the waking up.

*****Thus, I believe being a nerd can have major drawbacks in not following social conditioning because you'll always be fighting against the grain, and if from an early age you start believing in the social norms, you'll thus possibly have a weak self-image since you lose by the social norms. However, you're more likely to wake up one day, or read something, and say to yourself "why are these social norms right?" and come to the realization that they're just beliefs that people have, spread because a lot of people believe in them.
The more nerdy or different you are, the more likely you are to gain the deep freedom of seeing social norms for what they are and being able to live your live completely by your own norms, thus becoming a leader to yourself and others.

Anyway, this post is already very long. I hope you take a look Steve and it adds some value for you and for future posts. There's more thoughts I have on the process of getting to the core of your Leadership post, but perhaps I'll put more if you're interested.

[ultimate]

I enjoyed reading this article very much