Letting Go With Love (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Letting Go With Love

[MyEyeIsOpen]

I think this is one of the main benefits of "polyamory" -- being able to appreciate a relationship for what it is, not force it to be anything it's not, and to be able to move on from it with love and fondness when the right time comes.

[Lanternista]

Steve, this is one of your most quality articles, in my opinion.
Full of experience, yet straight from the heart

Thanks for this one!

[Xamuel]

We tend to hold on to things so tightly and for such a long time, that we forget what it was like to let go. We become accustomed to the tension of holding on, like having a muscle perpetually clenched up.

Of course, no matter how stubbornly you hold on, you have to let go someday anyway, since everybody dies... might as well let go sooner rather than later

[granted]

Originally Posted by Lanternista

Steve, this is one of your most quality articles, in my opinion.
Full of experience, yet straight from the heart

Thanks for this one!

Agreed 100%. I definitely 'felt' a 'different' Steve coming through the words.

Nice timing for me also. I was sitting on my own thinking about many things—including my recent separation from my fiancé—and this was 'great timing'

[danas]

Thanks, I enjoyed reading that. But I have a question

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Letting go with love isn’t about kicking a partner out of your life. It’s about acknowledging the energetic frequencies in which you’re most compatible and choosing to connect in those areas primarily

I can understand how that can be good if you or you both want to stay just friends, but-
What if you are still very attracted to your partner and really love to connect physically, as well as having great conversations, but they want to just continue your great conversations and to connect intellectually, but not physically..
Do you still think keeping them in your life is wise? It may just keep you stuck and frustrated that you can't have what you really want.

Id love thoughts on this...

[roxyruby]

There was so much heart in this article. I'm really glad you're happy. I might have manifested my relationship, because I intended for the "perfect boyfriend" and literally a week later out of coincidences and accident, had what society represents as a "perfect boyfriend"

But there wasn't really any connection beyond a superficial level.

But that, led to my new boyfriend who was someone I hadn't expected for a variety of reasons. But this was the perfect relationship I intended I think. We have a great connection, sexually, and in conversation, we can talk for hours. So I think my experiences have taught me the keys to the happiest relationship are similar sexual fantasies and being best friends - being able to talk and laugh together for hours.
Maybe thats just for me, but maybe it's the secret for all great relationships, who knows.

One thing I'm curious about is Has Erin been having her own relationships now with other men? / another man?

[Savage]

Originally Posted by roxyruby

One thing I'm curious about is Has Erin been having her own relationships now with other men? / another man?

If you're asking whether she's lost her post-marital virginity, that's a yes, we both have. And it's been most yummy for all involved.

However, she prefers to keep the details of her connections offline, at least for now, so I'm afraid I can't share the juicy bits in a public forum. I certainly can't blame her.

Personally I think it's really cool that Erin and I encourage and support each other in connecting with new partners. We have a strong sense of compersion, taking pleasure in each other's happiness. You could also say that we watch each other's backs, which is important when you're in the throes of NRE (new relationship energy). It's nice to have someone else to sanity-check your decisions when your logic may be compromised.

[roxyruby]

Ok I feel relieved now cause I was worried she was getting left out from her own enjoyable experiences then. That's good

[cacheborn]

Wow! Great article.

I agree with a previous post - it's straight from the heart. I could feel it while reading it. I will have to go through it few more times to see how I relate to it.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and insights, Steve.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I totally agree with accepting people for who they are and letting go of the parts that just don't match when it comes to relationships. There are tons of people out there you can connect with on the levels you can't connect on with a certain person.

Very deep article. I appreciate your honesty and sincerity when it comes to dealing with issues that most people look at as negative. It's very encouraging that both of you are doing so well now that you are separated.

[Edwina]

Hi Steve, what a great article. I'm in a somewhat similar situation to yourself right now and I admire how both you and Erin are conducting yourselves. It's really beautiful and inspiring to witness.

My ex and I are still very loving and supportive of each other and so many people comment to us that that's somehow wrong (which makes completely no sense to me) so it's refreshing to read your experience.

[fdr]

I'm curious about an aspect of disconnecting in a loving way that's not addressed in this piece, although related. Throughout my life, I have repeatedly had connections with people where they connect with me on a frequency (usually sexual attraction) on which I don't wish to connect with them. In most cases, it eventually spoils all the other aspects of our connection (whether it's intellectual, companionship, whatever). It's not a matter of mutual acknowledgment; they think it exists and I don't.

How do you "let go with love" when someone believes you share a frequency but your experience is the opposite? I try to be kind and clear, but inevitably my doing so causes the other party pain that I don't want to cause. I welcome anyone's thoughts on the matter.

[ValerieM]

I'm really moved by this post because it really helped solidify the fact that there are different frequencies that love can be experienced and it doesn't have to follow the same linear progression that society dictates relationships (friends, romantic, or otherwise) should follow. From reading this I can better understand why you've been experimenting with polyamory as these are very good reasons to experiment with that.

I will admit that I personally feel uncomfortable with the idea of polyamory for myself and I realize 100% that this probably has to do with my own perceptions and limitations that I've placed on myself. But if those limitations work for me, for the time being, why not keep it until something better comes along (if it ever comes along)? I personally prefer to experiment with monogamy first, because that is what I understand, I have seen positive examples of it working, and how do I know it won't work for me unless I try it?

That said, I do not believe that monogamy is good or bad for everyone. Just because something worked for Steve doesn't mean it will work for everyone (just like how monogamy won't work for everyone either). To think so is just abandoning conformity in one plane and accepting it on another. People point fingers at monogamy or polygamy as THE answer for everyone when it works well... or when either goes wrong, that all monogamy or all polygamy is bad for everyone. It just doesn't work like that. The common denominator (and thus the problem) is the people involved and their own limiting beliefs not the institution itself.

No matter which path you choose, monogamy (temporary/serial or "permanent," however you choose to define that) or polyamory, it will make the relationship so much better if both people involved realize that love exists on different frequencies and no one person can be everything to you. You're right, Steve, that the reason why so many friendships, family bonds, and romantic relationships fail is because people try to force certain roles on others or they focus solely on the areas that DON'T work. I certainly need to be more aware of this when dealing with people in my own life.

[butterflyeffect]

I laughed when I read you through out all non whole foods. I can imagine the reactions of your family.

I like to clean out my fridge regularly and I usually throw out everything out. My family flips but I tend to ignore them. My dog doesn't mind though! The vet asked how he was getting so fat...(raidin the bin after my clean outs).

[alexb5784]

For months I'd been trying to decide what to do regarding a potential relationship. One part of me screamed "No" because we're so different. But another part shouted "Yes" because we have very important things in common. We're both compassionate about similar social causes, love to laugh at the same things, and are creative types. Plus my intuition tells me that this person contributes tremendously to my personal growth. We only differ in the areas of health/diet, leisure time, and financial opinion.


I figured that in order to be with someone great, you'd have to act like twins. Now I understand that my needs can be met by more than one person. I can seek out friends to enjoy the areas of my life not compatible with my partner.

I feel so much better for not wanting to change people anymore. It feels so good to just let people be themselves and realize how wonderful they are in the present moment. I'm no longer waiting for the "preferred version" of the people in my life to suddenly pop up.

Now I'm gonna out and make tons of new friends. Worrying about differences are no longer a stumbling block for me.

[jesstucker]

Great article.

[Magicinthenight]

This post really struck a chord and I actually teared up while reading it. A lot of people close to me (including myself) have experienced quite harsh breakups and reading this made me think of how different things are when people actually work on things.

Even breakups take work, just like relationships and the idea of lovingly leaving a relationship has been so far from the reality I've witnessed that this post was like a soothing balm. Thank you so much for posting this and for making me remember that when there's love, there's always light, too.

[InterfaceLeader]

Yay for divorce and all the freedom and awesomeness it brings!

[MidasGirl]

One of the best you've put out Steve. It hit me in many ways. But most importantly, it was strangely cathartic. When I think back to all my relationships that have ended, they ended with bitterness. It occured to me in reading this, that part of it is that I was disappointed and bitter about what they could not be. And I'm sure the same was true for them. So instead of loving those parts that were great, we projected all the parts that weren't working onto the whole relationship, of course causing it to fall apart.

I also agree with the dominant/submissive part.

[szon]

A question about the tension between holding a desire without having attachment to the form in which it manifests:

How can you possibly imagine/visualize a reality you desire without imagining the form? So then doesn't the process of intention manifestation imply attachment to the form - to some degree?

[Piercetheveil]

I find if I have trouble letting go with the big things I can start with chunks of the big thing. It creates momentum.

[HelenofLight]

Thanks for your article, Steve. This one really hit home for me since I came across it as I was sitting on the couch trying to console myself over a recent breakup. The ex and I still love each other dearly and we still live together after deciding to break up 3 months ago. It's probably not the best idea, but he's moving out in a week

Reading your article was very cathartic to me and I hope to one day feel the same acceptance and happiness about my relationship that you feel for yours. Thank you again!

[feedtherightwolf]

I suggest to everybody to take Steve's advice with a grain of salt. I had a similar experience where I felt an "emptiness" in the relationship, but I found a way to work it out completely differently, by actually working on my relationship and changing myself for the better, instead of looking for justifications that would allow me to follow my penis around.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by feedtherightwolf

I suggest to everybody to take Steve's advice with a grain of salt. I had a similar experience where I felt an "emptiness" in the relationship, but I found a way to work it out completely differently, by actually working on my relationship and changing myself for the better, instead of looking for justifications that would allow me to follow my penis around.

If you keep working on your penis, someday he may be a better leader.

[Lucidism]

Originally Posted by feedtherightwolf

I suggest to everybody to take Steve's advice with a grain of salt.

I agree, but only because I take everyone's advice with a grain of salt, including my own!

You bring up a good point though. Some relationships are worth solving, while others are worth dissolving.