How to Become More Successful (Blog)

[Steve Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

How to Become More Successful

[Angela]

They’ll often try to “help” the successful people by cautioning them about negative outcomes.

This got me laughing.

[staceyterry]

The last couple weeks, I've probably been suffering from feeling the LEAST successful I've ever been. I see a lot of my behaviour/attitude in the negative traps you mentioned Steve. It's nice to know there's still energy within that brings me to sources of positive inspiration, that encourages me to forgive the negativity, and reminds me to hold onto my love and hope for myself.

[Alex Wu]

Wow Steve, that was insightful. Can I be your friend?

[Armen]

The point about befriending the successful people you know, or used to know, is one that I see value in. There are successful individuals we were once linked with that we got out of touch with, and doing anything is worth it to bring that bond back. The words and actions of a successful person can save you an abundance of lost time and energy.

[jesstucker]

I'm an unemployed artist. In the past month I have been trying to work on my courage to "follow my bliss" which is in this case dedicating my time to making art. Despite feeling some denial, I knew that courage was the area in which I needed the most growth, so recently I decided to stop looking so begrudgingly for irrelevant sources of income (job hunting), and decided to leap on an act of faith that if I focused my time to making art work, that the income would follow.

Immediately because I allowed myself to do what I love, my mood soared greatly, and I was eager to tell people how great it is to be doing what I love. As a result, and to my great surprise, I have lined up a number of interested buyers, sold one work, and I have felt just super swell and (relevant here) successful. As a result of this feeling I have been attracted to following my bliss elsewhere, and before I knew it I found myself in the midst of a romance despite having none for almost 10 months.

It's been interesting telling friends about this... it seems that some of them don't say anything, almost as if I am speaking a foreign language, or holding their tongue, and others are so encouraging and helpful. To the encouraging ones, their enthusiasm really begins to match my own. They become very creative in helping me achieve my goals, such as a friend who is willing to sell me an old camera so that I may take slides of all the work I've been making recently. And for a really great price that I can afford!

Reading this particular article has just really felt validating that doing what I love has caused an emotional shift in me that has attracted something similar in others. Hopefully this commitment to doing what I love will continue to be perpetuated by the fact I find it so fulfilling, and that I am sharing it with all those who will listen, who in turn want to help me and who will willingly get it from me in return.

Thanks so much Steve.

[bigadam]

Congrats on your interview with Deepak Chopra. I just discovered his show on Sirius two weeks ago and loved it and I don't think the timing is coincidental.

What format is Jack Canfield interviewing you for? Podcast, future book, radio show?

You deserve all of your success. Soon you will reach the pinnacle (Oprah ).

[Manomanman]

They’ll often try to “help” the successful people by cautioning them about negative outcomes.

That caught my eye as well. I envision all those dating advice websites for women: "All guys will want to sex with you on the first date, and it's probably going to be awkward, so you need to be really defensive in your attitude toward meeting people."

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by bigadam

What format is Jack Canfield interviewing you for? Podcast, future book, radio show?

Tele-seminar I believe.

You deserve all of your success. Soon you will reach the pinnacle (Oprah ).

Thanks.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by jesstucker

I'm an unemployed artist. In the past month I have been trying to work on my courage to "follow my bliss" which is in this case dedicating my time to making art. Despite feeling some denial, I knew that courage was the area in which I needed the most growth, so recently I decided to stop looking so begrudgingly for irrelevant sources of income (job hunting), and decided to leap on an act of faith that if I focused my time to making art work, that the income would follow.

Immediately because I allowed myself to do what I love, my mood soared greatly, and I was eager to tell people how great it is to be doing what I love. As a result, and to my great surprise, I have lined up a number of interested buyers, sold one work, and I have felt just super swell and (relevant here) successful. As a result of this feeling I have been attracted to following my bliss elsewhere, and before I knew it I found myself in the midst of a romance despite having none for almost 10 months.

It's been interesting telling friends about this... it seems that some of them don't say anything, almost as if I am speaking a foreign language, or holding their tongue, and others are so encouraging and helpful. To the encouraging ones, their enthusiasm really begins to match my own. They become very creative in helping me achieve my goals, such as a friend who is willing to sell me an old camera so that I may take slides of all the work I've been making recently. And for a really great price that I can afford!

Reading this particular article has just really felt validating that doing what I love has caused an emotional shift in me that has attracted something similar in others. Hopefully this commitment to doing what I love will continue to be perpetuated by the fact I find it so fulfilling, and that I am sharing it with all those who will listen, who in turn want to help me and who will willingly get it from me in return.

Thanks so much Steve.

Congrats, Jess! That's wonderful. You're definitely on the right track. Others who've made the leap tell similar stories.

When we make a move toward doing what we love, the universe moves with us.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Alex Wu

Wow Steve, that was insightful. Can I be your friend?

We're already friends, Alex, or didn't you know that?

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by staceyterry

The last couple weeks, I've probably been suffering from feeling the LEAST successful I've ever been. I see a lot of my behaviour/attitude in the negative traps you mentioned Steve. It's nice to know there's still energy within that brings me to sources of positive inspiration, that encourages me to forgive the negativity, and reminds me to hold onto my love and hope for myself.

I loved your singing videos, Stacey. You have a beautiful voice.

[James81]

I can't wait to see pics of the new patio furniture you're inevitably going to buy.

Good article. This is the kind of stuff (changing your inner beliefs to match what you want from the world) that has really helped me grow in leaps and bounds.

[cylon]

What's funny is as I read this, I couldn't help thinking of my close friend and seeing his anger and resentment towards successful people. I've been doing that a lot lately, realizing how my social circle is limiting me. But I'm the one who is actively being a part of that social circle. I don't want to ditch my friends but that resentment and anger is like poison. Poison I am willingly taking as I associate with people who not only aren't succesful, but seem to have given up on life already.

It would make sense that I would have friends like that because I've been depressed most of my life. As I take steps to move past that, the friendships are going to have to change too. As is my relationship to success.

Seriously, if you are here and not getting results (me included), you're doing something wrong because the universe SHOULD be tripping over itself in it's attempt to give you what you want. If you're sure of what you want and it makes you feel good, it should be in your life. If it's not in your life, you're pushing it away.

[ballhit2]

The relationship between "growth" and "success" is now a complete sentence.

Metaphor alarm.

Is a seed, just taking root in the ground, successful? How about the first emergence above the soil? What about when the plant spurts up and doubles its size? Or must one wait until the released potential copies of itself fly into the wind?

End metaphor alarm.

End metaphor alarm alarm.

[Apollia]

Thanks Steve. You're one of the most brilliant people I sort of know from a distance, and one of my favorite people in the world. Erin too.

What if a successful person has a negative attitude toward unsuccessful people? How would that affect a successful person?

There was a debate I participated in a couple years ago where I was astonished at how nasty and cruel some people's opinions of poor people were: Stop Fleecing Poor Americans - BusinessWeek

(All posts to that debate are edited by the BusinessWeek website, so I put my unedited versions of my replies on my own website: Astroblahhh.Com - My comments posted in May-June 2007 to BusinessWeek.com on the topic "Stop Fleecing Poor Americans" ).

What is the impact on someone's life of hating poor, unsuccessful people?

Originally Posted by The blog post

When you put the two different types of people together, you have the unsuccessful people talking about their grievances, which annoys and disturbs the highly successful people if overdone. Initially a successful person may try to help out by offering advice or mentoring. But when s/he observes that the unsuccessful person applies none of it and comes up with excuses to maintain the status quo, it’s an immediate turnoff. The successful person will usually bow out and go where his/her talents and skills are appreciated.

Am I doomed to failure because I'm often not annoyed by people's complaining? I often think complainers have at least some valid points, and I often tend to sympathize with them, even if/when they "overdo" it.

The only thing that really bothers me is if the complainer seems to just be running around in circles beating a dead horse - not honestly trying to think through the issues and really find solutions, but just wasting time and energy, and trying to rationalize their avoidance of attempting to create any significant changes.

I know one person who does that a lot. It's not the complaining itself which is annoying, it's just that person's paralyzed refusal to accept most any possible solutions that bothers me. They're just constantly being defeatist for no good reason and making excuses for why almost everything suggested won't work.

Oh, well, at least that kind of complainer isn't so defeatist that they totally give up even struggling with the issues that are plaguing them. At least a chronic complainer has tenacity. Plus, since it's such a challenge to get through to such people, I find it especially satisfying whenever I manage to do it.


I think some forms of complaining can actually be very powerful.

The Declaration of Independence could be regarded as a long list of whining grievances. Whine, whine, whine - "look at all the ways King George is victimizing us! Wahh!"

But just look what it helped achieve. Perhaps proving that whining can sometimes be a noble, inspiring act of patriots.

Best wishes,
Apollia

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by cylon

It would make sense that I would have friends like that because I've been depressed most of my life. As I take steps to move past that, the friendships are going to have to change too. As is my relationship to success.

It would make sense that you're depressed because you have friends like that. I'm sure if I hung out with them for a few days, I'd soon be depressed too.

As long as you cling to those friends, you'll repel successful people from entering your life. If one manages to get through, your friends will repel him/her (or you will).

You know what you have to do to grow. Clear out the disempowering friendships to make room for positive, empowering relationships. You have to empty your cup before you can refill it with a healthier, tastier drink.

You may fear that if you drop those friends, you won't attract new friends to replace them. Of course you will. But first you'll feel much better just being alone for a while. Most likely you'll feel relieved. That relief will lead to even more positive feelings, and from there you'll attract more empowering relationships.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

You may fear that if you drop those friends, you won't attract new friends to replace them. Of course you will. But first you'll feel much better just being alone for a while. Most likely you'll feel relieved. That relief will lead to even more positive feelings, and from there you'll attract more empowering relationships.

I just can't rationalize cutting them out of my life completely. But it's probably inevitable.

I keep friendship and closeness away, people are attracted to me and enjoy being around me but I have these walls that won't let people hurt me, so I never take it to the next level, and it's isolated me. I want positive, happy people in my life. So I have to cultivate those qualities.

[jesstucker]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Congrats, Jess! That's wonderful. You're definitely on the right track. Others who've made the leap tell similar stories.

When we make a move toward doing what we love, the universe moves with us.

Thanks a lot Steve, you've helped me a long way.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Apollia

The Declaration of Independence could be regarded as a long list of whining grievances. Whine, whine, whine - "look at all the ways King George is victimizing us! Wahh!"

Hey, Apollia. I wouldn't call the Declaration of Independence "whining" -- on the contrary. Whining is moaning about how 'at effect' you are, focusing only on problem and taking zero responsibility for how you yourself are the cause of your circumstance, or for making a difference.

The D of I, on the other hand, starts off by saying, "When it becomes necessary to cut loose the dead wood, it seems to us that common courtesy requires us to tell them why. So here's a list of reasons why this relationship isn't working for us anymore and why we are hereby cutting the cord and taking care of our own damned selves from here on in."

It's a solution-oriented document, and it takes the time to communicate what led them to make their choice.

[Apollia]

Thanks for the explanation, Angela. That might help me not get my feathers so ruffled in the future when people complain about complaining.

I think the main things that have always bothered me about condemning whining/complaining are:

1. The possibility that some people might think they're better off suffering in silence than seeking help by voicing their grievances, and risking being branded "whiners".

2. The possibility that people with legitimate grievances might be falsely condemned as "whiners" and then ignored and dismissed, because of people using an overly, unfairly broad definition of what "complaining" or "whining" is.

I wouldn't be surprised if King George would've been about as biased as my joke. I can easily imagine him saying, and believing, "What a bunch of irresponsible whiners and victims those colonists are, ignoring their responsibilities to pay taxes and obey me, and then whining and playing the victim when I do perfectly justified things to try to get them back in line!"

It seems way too easy for anyone to abuse the labels of "whiner", "victim", and "irresponsible" to supposedly justify and rationalize the continuation of tyranny and oppression.

3. I know a lot of people mean well when they say things like "stop whining" and "take responsibility", but to me, it still sounds cold and authoritarian even when I know the intention behind it is good.

Maybe this all just my own problem, though. Anyhow, sorry if I'm whining.

Thanks again, and happy Independence Day to you and everyone.

Best wishes,
Apollia

[James81]

Originally Posted by cylon

It would make sense that I would have friends like that because I've been depressed most of my life. As I take steps to move past that, the friendships are going to have to change too. As is my relationship to success.

Consider the possibility that you've been depressed most of your life because you've labeled yourself as being depressed, even at times when a more suitable, less intense emotion could be used to describe your state.

I made a resolution a while back that I would never use the word "depression" to describe my emotional state ever again. Interstingly enough, I haven't been depressed since.

And just as interesting, as the old feelings that I once labeled as "depression" started to creep back in, I now make a conscious decision to correctly label them. Most of the time it ends up being that I'm just a "bit down" at that moment. And as such, the feelings pass more quickly and I do not sink as low as I have in the past.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Apollia

1. The possibility that some people might think they're better off suffering in silence than seeking help by voicing their grievances, and risking being branded "whiners".

They may very well be better off staying silent than voicing grievances, if they're focusing on problem rather than solution. A problem-focus can make the grievance-voicer feel even worse, and get into a downward spiral from which it's more difficult to recover than from a still silence. (Silence doesn't require suffering, after all.)

2. The possibility that people with legitimate grievances might be falsely condemned as "whiners" and then ignored and dismissed, because of people using an overly, unfairly broad definition of what "complaining" or "whining" is.

Being ignored or dismissed is feedback. A person who is problem-focused has the opportunity to make a choice in the face of that feedback. She might make it mean she's even more of a victim, or she might try something new that works better (e.g., a solution-focus).

3. I know a lot of people mean well when they say things like "stop whining" and "take responsibility", but to me, it just sounds cold and authoritarian even when I know the intention behind it is good.

That sounds cold to me, too, when someone orders someone around like that. Also it's not inspiring, and it's not effective. In fact, I would call that a form of whining. I guess it may also sound cold when people take a stand, too: "You can keep complaining if you want to, but I prefer to hang around with people who are at cause in their lives. Would you like to look for a solution? Or would you prefer to just part ways now?" It's up to the listener.

Of course, you may have to be a little more inspiring if you want to influence the king.

Maybe this all just my own problem, though. Anyhow, sorry if I'm whining.

Thanks again, and happy Independence Day to you and everyone.

Best wishes,
Apollia

I don't think you're whining. I think you're just thinking things through, and maybe you value justice highly.

Thanks and happy Independence Day to you, too! My favorite holiday.

[Apollia]

Originally Posted by Angela

They may very well be better off staying silent than voicing grievances, if they're focusing on problem rather than solution. A problem-focus can make the grievance-voicer feel even worse, and get into a downward spiral from which it's more difficult to recover than from a still silence. (Silence doesn't require suffering, after all.)

Very true, even in my experience. I also totally agree that having a solution-focus is much better.

I really like those terms - problem-focus and solution-focus. They really make it obvious what exactly is wrong with the bad type of complaining.

Being ignored or dismissed is feedback. A person who is problem-focused has the opportunity to make a choice in the face of that feedback. She might make it mean she's even more of a victim, or she might try something new that works better (e.g., a solution-focus).

That's a nice way of looking at it.

That sounds cold to me, too, when someone orders someone around like that. Also it's not inspiring, and it's not effective. In fact, I would call that a form of whining. I guess it may also sound cold when people take a stand, too: "You can keep complaining if you want to, but I prefer to hang around with people who are at cause in their lives. Would you like to look for a solution? Or would you prefer to just part ways now?" It's up to the listener.

Agreed, even though the speaker can often influence the likely reaction of the listener a lot through their choice of words, etc. (Not that I think I'm telling you anything you didn't already know. You're obviously very adept at choosing words well).

Of course, you may have to be a little more inspiring if you want to influence the king.

Yup.

I don't think you're whining. I think you're just thinking things through,

Thanks.

and maybe you value justice highly.

Yes, and mercy even more highly.

Thanks and happy Independence Day to you, too! My favorite holiday.

Thanks, and thanks again for your thoughts. You definitely clarified things a lot for me.

Best wishes,
Apollia

[beautyscientist]

A truly great post Steve, thanks.

What do people make of the people incredibly 'successful' top earners in recent years in trousering huge amounts of cash in the financial sector?

Acquiring the kind of riches that would only be possible to an emperor in a previous age would fit most criteria for success. Should we be celebrating and seeking out the company of the top bankers?

[cylon]

Originally Posted by James81

I made a resolution a while back that I would never use the word "depression" to describe my emotional state ever again. Interstingly enough, I haven't been depressed since.

That's good advice.

[songwriter]

This is the kind of posts I like the most!

-About complainers. Well, we don't want to whine, so we don't want to whine about whiners either... I know 2 big typical complains:

1. About money

"The price of X is too high, they should sell it cheaper!"
if X is high is because there's people buying... and the whiner would do just the same. If the whiner would sell his car he would check what prices are being paid and will set a price according to that...

similar to "the wages should be higher...." But if the whiner was hiring people he/she would set salaries according the same standards. Etc

2. About some people's qualities

Envying people who has skills you'll wish for yourself instead of trying to learn from them.
I think it's one of the most destructive things ever.
Like Steve and his blog, Hendrix as a guitar player (what you call "top performers" or whatever...
you can choose to learn from him or to hate him and complain or your situation...

[KtotheB]

Loved your post Steve... I completely agree with all your thoughts on success.

I'm also happy to report we're only 2 degrees of separation away from each other. My band opened for Deepak when he spoke here last April!

[Eric Roosevelt]

Possible syntax error/missing word: "They do dozens of times per day, usually without being aware of it" (under "Birds of a feather", five paragraphs down)

Should there be an "it" there, as in "They do it dozens of times..."?

Anyway, I liked this article. I've never actually thought much about how how our attitudes towards successful people reflect our attitudes towards success itself. Interesting concept, and very powerful. The flip side of that would be that our attitudes towards unsuccessful people reflect our attitudes towards failure. That may be worth thinking about as well.

[babuji]

Excellent post Steve..

You indicated that once we realize that we have a block within us, we should take steps in doing some inner work to remove those blockages.

What process do you typically follow to tackle these blockages or going about doing 'inner work'?