Smarter Than Your Parents (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Smarter Than Your Parents

[Daffy Duck]

It's nice to see you create a great article for your teen audience, though the advice applies to everyone. Good one, Steve!

I also liked the reference to World of Warcraft.

[Bud921]

Thanks Steve I really resonated with this post.

The fact that my mother drinks too much and my dad hates his job has had a large impact on my current beliefs. Consequently, I will NEVER have a "job" that I hate, and I will never let alcohol dictate my life.


I have too have often struggled with the authority aspect of my life as teenagers only have so much authority. While my parents obviously have faults, I have been blessed to have been raised with so much love.

On June 11th I will graduate high-school officially entering the adult world. I could not be more excited.

Thanks for everything Steve.

[aelle]

Some good points! Teenage years make it easy to want to make a difference, but harder to do so in a 100%-responsible, positive and loving manner.

“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise”
-- Alden Nowlan

[Holistic Star]

Hi Steve,

Can you go back in time and post this for me 20 years ago?


btw I think I spotted a spelling mistake. In the sentence "If someone else makes a decision that effects you, you have to..." I think it should be 'affects' rather than 'effects'.

[Dave Kaminski]

Love this post - could so easily be adapted about one's boss or other relationships.

Thanks for sharing, as usual, Steve!

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Dave Kaminski

could so easily be adapted about one's boss or other relationships.

That's the cool thing about universal concepts (in this case, the principle of authority). They can be applied to endless situations.

It was actually this kind of feedback (i.e. "Hey, you can also apply those ideas to situation X.") that led me to realize there must be common principles underlying all positive change. Only took 2-1/2 years to figure out what those principles were.

[Plato]

For some reason I felt very uncomfortable when you talked about staying at home into 20's...

I'm 20 and have lived 2 years away from home but am back atm.

I think my mind predicts I'll be here for a long time, though that isn't actually my intention.

Need to take things a little more seriously...

[EnhanceMyLife]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

Hi Steve,

Can you go back in time and post this for me 20 years ago?


...

Agreed! Isn't it amazing how in school we are taught so many facts and things about the world that we end up forgetting or not really needing later in life? Yet there are no classes on "How to Deal with Your Parents (And Other Tough People/Situations In Your Life)."

Steve's article reminded me of many things in my own life growing up. My parents divorced when I was 5 but I still saw my Dad regularly. Both are definitely loving and caring parents, talented and intelligent people. But I had tough time dealing with a lot of frustrations with them, particularly Mom since I lived with her. We had financial struggles growing up and I also rebelled quite a bit. I also made a lot of dumb mistakes regarding money and how I used my time and talents. I love my mom and dad and am grateful for all the support they gave me growing up.

In fact, one of the values my mom taught me and my siblings is her interest in personal development. She passed that on to me for sure. Thanks, Mom!

[The Mad Coder]

I think if I lived in America or Europe I would have moved at around 18, but something to point out, some places, like the one I call home-nation, are very different culture-wise. I don't know why, but here it is not uncommon at all to move out of your parents until 25+ (unless you marry or move to another city (moving is rare) ), perhaps it is because of how costly a house/appartment is in comparison to just about anything else, and how rare credit is. In fact, many people do stay with parents until 30~ somehow or if they don't ever marry, forever ! (Really, !)

[Savage]

Originally Posted by The Mad Coder

I think if I lived in America or Europe I would have moved at around 18, but something to point out, some places, like the one I call home-nation, are very different culture-wise. I don't know why, but here it is not uncommon at all to move out of your parents until 25+ (unless you marry or move to another city (moving is rare) ), perhaps it is because of how costly a house/appartment is in comparison to just about anything else, and how rare credit is. In fact, many people do stay with parents until 30~ somehow or if they don't ever marry, forever ! (Really, !)

Even in cultures where it's accepted to stay at home that long, it can be very damaging to the people who do so. It's sad to encounter 35 year olds who can't even make independent decisions without worrying what their parents will think. I get some pretty miserable feedback from people in those situations. Even the those who are acculturated to it usually know that it's keeping them weak.

[-B-]

There's also the other difficult situation of parents who actively don't want they're oldest to move out. This happened to me - I moved away for a year as soon as I was 18 and graduated from High School, circumstances (and I'll admit my own weakness) drove me back into my parents house. Tough to break away cleanly when your parents are really good at passive-aggressive manipulation.

Regardless, it was a lot of grief on all sides - I felt like an ungrateful ass for basically refusing their generosity and help (they'll help me pay for school, but only if I stay in the house sorts of things), and they felt confused and betrayed by my seemingly selfish refusal of their well-meaning help.

What do you do when the situation is somewhat reversed, when the child wants to leave, but the parents (deliberately or not), actively do what they can to keep the child in the nest?

I suppose much the same - take authority over your own life. My independance felt tainted for ages because I knew how my being able to support myself seperately from my parents hurt their pride, and wanting to keep being the ever-providing parents.

Regardless - great advice, Steve, and all those teenagers reading this, print it out, and read it a few times - don't hold yourself back, but don't let your parents hold you back either, even they're holding you back with what they see as love. You'll be held back regardless, and that can't help but be damaging.

[dwixi]

I could have done with this article like a year ago. But it was still helpful in someways now.

[Matt Willard]

I'm 21 and still living with Mom. I lack many skills people usually have at 18, and right now I'm trying to get those skills and move out, with varying degrees of success. The campus idea sounds great-I probably need to transfer colleges anyway, so might as well use it as an opportunity to get on my own for a change and maybe have some more room to get things done.

[cylon]

I'm 32 and still live with my Dad. I don't like it very much, even though I like him. But I need to point out, that just because someone may live with their parents, that does not mean that they are depending on their parents to provide for them and are wasting all their time.

I've paid rent (admittedly small) and all the utilities since I was around 21 and entered the working world. I went to college, I've had quite the accomplished career up until being laid off at the beginning of the year, and did it all while knowing I was possibly being looked down by people for "living at home".

And I was not playing online games instead of being productive.

Of course, I live in an apartment. My dad getting up in years (76 years old) and is depending on his social security. He doesn't own this place, so we're in a roommate situation, both of us paying rent. I also live in one of the most expensive areas in the country, which makes it difficult to get my own place.

In any case, I've pressured him to put himself on a waiting list for senior housing, so that when I move out he can afford to support himself. This could take a couple years, hopefully less. But yes, all I want is my own place.

Just thought I'd point out that not everyone who lives with a parent is financially depending on them, or is not effective in the world. But, it is true, it does hold you back your development in its own way, can't deny that.

[Angela]

cylon, I couldn't help but notice that was post #3333, and it looked like an arrow, so I thought I'd point that out, for whatever it's worth.

[cylon]

Lol, shoot me straight into the future and into my own pad.

[Lena Carpenter]

I wish I had this article a few years ago, when I was a teenager, although it's still helpful now that I'm 26.

One issue I would like to point out is it's not as simple as living with your parents or not. Some people live with their parents and help out with bills, while some people live separately and still depend on their parents to pay for all of their expenses. When I went to college, I didn't qualify for much financial aid, and I had only a part-time job over the summer, thus my step-dad paid for most of my expenses, even though I was living in a different city, with some roommates. I know that such a situation can work for some people, but for me, it was extremely uncomfortable, and I didn't want to face that fact because I had no confidence in making it on my own. I hated my parents dictating my choices, and even though they ultimately gave me the freedom, I still felt pressure from them on daily basis. If I had a choice to do it all over again, I would get whatever job I could and pay for most of my expenses myself, perhaps accepting some help with college bills. I'm married now and I'm at home with my two-year-old, with my husband supporting us. It gets me thinking, that perhaps I should take my own advice, and be more independent by making my own income.

[medaille]

Given that we're all a "few bits short of a byte" in some aspects of our life, maybe an interesting companion article would be an article on parenting discussing options for being an effective parent and avoiding the unintentional collisions between your problems and challenges and their lives, so that they only have to deal with one life's worth of problems rather than three.

An even broader scope could be, as a community or social group, how do we provide for our kids a nurturing environment for growth, that shelters kids from the problems that we have as individuals.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but we have lost that these days. What does the village do that we can't?

[Daffy Duck]

Cylon, do you find living at home affects your dating life?

[cylon]

I have let it, I don't think it would if I didn't care. But I'm learning to not care because it is temporary anyway.

[Karanime]

Steve! You couldn't have posted this at a better time!

I've got two friends who are having immense troubles with their parents. One of them is actually incredibly arrogant and won't shut up about how much he hates his parents. His situation is similar to mine, but I'm better at getting what I want from my parents because I actually try to figure out what they're thinking.

In any case, the whole deal with emancipation is exactly what we were thinking. I was planning to move out within the next year or so (I'm currently 15) with the two of them.

I'm going to forward this onto my friend. Maybe it'll help. :P

Once again, impeccable timing! ^.^

/<3

P.S. Each of the three of us embody one of the universal principles (I've got power) and it introduces a sense of tremendous balance into our lives. Funny how that works out, huh?

[st33med]

Did you make this for me..?
No seriously, I complained about parents in my last post >.>

[Savage]

Originally Posted by st33med

Did you make this for me..?
No seriously, I complained about parents in my last post >.>

No, it was a question on my "to blog" list. This one was submitted sometime in 2006. I have 79 more questions from that year, and then I'll be ready to progress to 2007.

Today I'm writing a new article on subjective reality and space-time events which is also based on a question I received in 2006.

If people would just stop offering suggestions until 2015 or so, I'm sure I can catch up on the backlog of article ideas.

[JoeRad]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

If people would just stop offering suggestions until 2015 or so, I'm sure I can catch up on the backlog of article ideas.

No! I want them now! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!

[Plato]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

No, it was a question on my "to blog" list. This one was submitted sometime in 2006. I have 79 more questions from that year, and then I'll be ready to progress to 2007.

Today I'm writing a new article on subjective reality and space-time events which is also based on a question I received in 2006.

If people would just stop offering suggestions until 2015 or so, I'm sure I can catch up on the backlog of article ideas.

How do you decide how much time to devote to blog vs. goal achievement product?

Do you go on inspiration, or do you plan it out?

[The Mad Coder]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Even in cultures where it's accepted to stay at home that long, it can be very damaging to the people who do so. It's sad to encounter 35 year olds who can't even make independent decisions without worrying what their parents will think. I get some pretty miserable feedback from people in those situations. Even the those who are acculturated to it usually know that it's keeping them weak.

Not disagreeing there, 35+ is an extreme, Even 30+ and 25+ is problematic. I am 24 right now and I am already serious on plans to move. I am just saying that in some countries moving at 18 sounds VERY hard. Due to a lot of misguided bussiness and lack of money nobody will really pay you enough to pay a house or appartment until you got college certification, and due to a very strict prerequisitie-driven badly designed college system, that requires at least 4 years (assuming you do it correctly). So for all of us around here, we had to wait at least until 22 before dreaming of independence

[run_fly]

I want to share my personal experience with living with my parents:

I am 22 years old and I am still living with my parents for financial reasons... I am almost at the point where I can leave but before doing so took a good time to think about why I chose to reincarnate with my family.

I realize now for me it was to learn humility, patience, acceptance, courage and tolerance. I learn not to complain for my situation.

Because of my family I have grown spiritually but this was one of the hardest lessons I have learned yet to this day...

I would like to share you a few stories:

I am vegan and I have to eat at my parents house and I have barely any room for my food... A few times I almost starved because there was no fresh food for me to eat... I had to learn to stand up for myself on my vegan beliefs. Since I am the only one in the family who is vegan it is 4 on 1.

I am psychic and I have been going to reiki classes. Not only that I am starting a business doing readings and eventually would like to do healing work. When my mom overheard me talk to a friend about this stuff she ask if I wanted to go see a psychologist... I had to stand up for myself and say... "I will only go when I personally believe I have a problem and I feel that I don't so no thanks"

I can spend up to 1hour a day driving my parents to work, because we share cars while I am at school... This has taught me A LOT of patience, tolerance, and acceptance... I have spend over 500hours in a car with my parents in silence. over the past 4 years.

My advice to you: Look at the life lessons you have learned from choosing your parents. (If you follow the believe of reincarnation). This will enlighten your mind and give you a positive perspective on your current situation. Because of what I went through from 18-22... I have built a lot of important skills such as humility, tolerance, acceptance, courage, and patience. (this was not by choice $ was a major issue b/c of flight school... And my spirit guides told me that they set me up)... I am about to move out within 90days and wow I will be very grateful being independent...

For all those -18 stuck in a rough situation: Keep going... Dream about what you will accomplish with your life when you do pass 18+ or move out. You can keep your visions to yourself if your parents won't believe or resonate with you... Be patient your time will come! And GOOD LUCK!

[st33med]

Originally Posted by joerad

no! I want them now! Now now now now now now now now!!!

i wantz. Do want. Arrrrrrrrrrrggggg wannawannawannawanna

[ChaosKiwi]

I think the biggest risk these days isn’t moving out too soon. It’s staying at home too long. People get too comfortable staying at home, having their bills paid by Mom and Dad so they can delay adulthood by playing video games and surfing the web.

Steve your watching me through a hidden camera or something right?

Seriously though, I'm going to stick up on the wall right now my goal of moving out January of next year (I'll be 24)!

Now all I have to do is start generating some income, and learn basic social and domestic skills.

While I may be delaying adulthood I'm getting damn good at Final Ninja Zero!