Attraction (Blog)

[songwriter]

My personal conclusion after all is that I have, let's stay, a smaller amount of potential matches than what's normal to have...

But let's say I have like ten times less potential matches... or even 50 times less potential matches...

Even with "that hard" I surely have had many chances anyway!.

But when you experience rejection or lack or attraction dozens of times you create a pessimistic belief "it doesn't work for me"... then when you're really face to face with someone compatible but you think it's not gonna work anyway...
You try, but you don't believe much in it.
And it doesnt' works out either. And the belief grows and grows...

So you can doubt you can find someone you can make it happen. It's disempowering and not based on reality. But so many trial and mistake can put anyone in a mindset of eternal misbelief. It's hard to believe it can work if it has never worked...

BUT I want to remark the part when Steve says "try to expose yourself to what you're really attracted", even if it leads nowhere. I'll say
that's very good.

Before this July I never had female friends. In this July I had a co-worker just in front of me, who I was very attracted... finally (she had a boyfriend, so...). And since then I've got a lot of female friends... I could say I'm "better with women".

Not enough, I still have too much pessimist beliefs. I only wait to expose myself to what I feel attracted again, and I'll make progress.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Yynatago

Hey CorporateGirl,

So let me get this straight:
1. You are with a guy you're not attracted to on that intuitive - animal level.
2. You know there are guys out there who you are attracted to (such as your work colleague)

So why are you still with the guy you're not attracted to? Do you like the security of having a guy until you find a better guy? Is he your perfect husband material?

Regards
Yynatago

That's exactly what I could have asked to some ex-co-worker of mine. Anyway she probably asked herself about it.

[DivorceThought]

After reading this blog there is no doubt in my mind that Erin has made you who you are as a personal development teacher, combined with what you already brought to the table. Reading your blog through the years you bring such a unique insight on a myriad of issues. One of your early blogs you talked about what you can give and when you create a site or anything for that matter, make it to where others will enjoy it and take something from it. Don't focus on what you are getting from it. I truly believe that Erin is the unique touch that made you and your company into a great success.

[TrailBlazer]

Interesting work. I've often struggled with the choice I made with my husband. We too, are VERY opposite and I've said the same things (especially with regards to raising children) about balancing each other out. Even as recently as this past weekend, I daydreamed about having a spouse more like me, though - a real soul mate, then realized that, in my husbands quiet way, he does challenge and push me just as this fantasized soul mate would! LI (laughing inside) This is great advise. Following your intuition, I've found, usually is. It's not always easy accepting, coming to terms with, or appreciating all of the opposite qualities, but looking deeper, you can see how it was all meant to be.

[ohTen]

I recently broke it off with a guy who was EVERYTHING I wanted on paper: extremely smart, extremely creative, almost identical interests, physically attractive, sweet, older, accomplished. In the beginning, I was thrilled. I dumped him after a month because he turned out to be a total dud, for a whole host of reasons. That experience forced me to seriously re-evaluate my dating criteria, and I realized that just because someone looks good on paper and has a lot in common with you doesn't mean that they're automatically great for you. What a wake-up call that was.

Now, I have a new guy friend who is opposite me in a lot of ways. We're not dating, but the potential is there. The whole time we've been friends, I've been thinking about how many of the qualities he possesses would force me to grow and change in positive ways. Whether or not we ever start dating, my friendship with him has opened my eyes to the fact that people who are different from me can have that potential to change me for the better, and vice versa. Good information to carry into the future!

It's funny that I came across this article, as it's been a central theme of my life lately!

[Lionman]

Opposites attract, thats very true. I've also been reading about subjective reality and relationships where it says that if you develop in yourself the traits you desire in others, that you will attract those people. However then you wont be opposites in the attraction, you will be more similar. Is this paradoxical? This has had me thinking for awhile. Would love if someone could shed some light, as I see them both working.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by ohTen

I recently broke it off with a guy who was EVERYTHING I wanted on paper: extremely smart, extremely creative, almost identical interests, physically attractive, sweet, older, accomplished. In the beginning, I was thrilled. I dumped him after a month because he turned out to be a total dud, for a whole host of reasons. That experience forced me to seriously re-evaluate my dating criteria, and I realized that just because someone looks good on paper and has a lot in common with you doesn't mean that they're automatically great for you. What a wake-up call that was.

Now, I have a new guy friend who is opposite me in a lot of ways. We're not dating, but the potential is there. The whole time we've been friends, I've been thinking about how many of the qualities he possesses would force me to grow and change in positive ways. Whether or not we ever start dating, my friendship with him has opened my eyes to the fact that people who are different from me can have that potential to change me for the better, and vice versa. Good information to carry into the future!

It's funny that I came across this article, as it's been a central theme of my life lately!

well, you intended a lot of great things for your 1st boyfriend... but nothing about honesty, sincerity, kindness, etc. I'm not sure what you mean with "Dud". But maybe you forgot to consider that.

I don't believe in oppossite attract at all, in the long run, I mean. At first anything can work.

[jlolson]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Attraction

What I've observed, courtesy of spending nearly two years on various singles sites online, is that many, many people are attracted to "opposites" and that these kinds of unions pretty much invariably end disastrously.

That said, I would agree that *certain* asymmetrical traits are complementary. For example, a person who is rather fear-driven can be challenged and supported nicely by someone who isn't fearful in those same ways (the case in my present relationship). Other traits, such as extroversion (loving social gatherings, gaining energy from being around others) are, in my observation, not compatible with introversion. You get a constant struggle between one person always needing an audience and to be around people while the other prefers quieter activities. Possibly you'll disagree with that particular match-up, but I suspect you can easily list incompatible traits from your own experience.

As a logical, "left-brained" kind of thinker, I am naturally repelled by strongly religious women (and I include "New Age" beliefs in that category). Interestingly, I can easily identify you (Steve) as a clearly logic-oriented thinker...and yet what we find attractive in a woman is VERY different from what you find attractive. I love intellectual women (just not too intellectual; my philosophy-lady friends generally don't attract me, so perhaps our differences aren't quite as stark as one might think). I don't expect or desire a lady to be as logically minded as myself, but she has to have a strong, logical mind; if not, no attraction.

I wonder what the difference between us is?

[jlolson]

Originally Posted by Pequod

I'm not sure this works. For example, I find that I feel attracted to women that are emotionally unavailable. I know that it is a reflection of some emotional unavailability in myself. But knowing that I'm emotionally unavailable, doesn't change it. I honestly wouldn't know how to do that.

So I'm stuck in this rut where I only attract and feel attracted to emotionally unavailable women with all the heartache (rejection, drama, etc) it accompanies. Angela, do you have any suggestion how to break through this?

(P.S. I feel that I'm not the only one in this. It seems to be pretty common that people are aware they are in destructive patterns, really want to change it, but wouldn't know how to change it. And therefore they are stuck in the same destructive patterns over and over)

A guy named Steven Carter wrote some superb books about this. I'd recommend checking them out.

[nocturne]

Originally Posted by songwriter

My personal conclusion after all is that I have, let's stay, a smaller amount of potential matches than what's normal to have...

But let's say I have like ten times less potential matches... or even 50 times less potential matches...

Even with "that hard" I surely have had many chances anyway!.

songwriter, why do you presume you have a smaller amounter of potential matches? compared to what statistic? don't put yoruself down.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by nocturne

songwriter, why do you presume you have a smaller amounter of potential matches? compared to what statistic? don't put yoruself down.

nocturne, it's quite the oppossite.... I put myself high (if those words exist in English). I set higher standards than usual.

[nocturne]

ok but think abundance my man...they are out there.