Poly question for Steve and anyone else

[pyrogen]

Steve,

I've been wondering - you mentioned in your own writing about poly that it's not necessarily about having sex with people other than your wife.

Could you explain why you need to be poly to have the other relationships you want, if they weren't going to be sexual? Is it just about being *open* to that?

The reason for my question actually is because I've had a quandary for many years now - when single, I've had a network of very supportive, intimate friendships that took the place of a primary partner. These relationships were so satisfying and my traditional boyfriend/girlfriend relationships were so unsatisfying that I always feel like I'm "settling" for relationships. The only thing missing is sex and being in love... or at least, being able to define ourselves as in love.

I had a "best friend with benefits" for years, we dated other people, but never defined each other ourselves as boyfriend/girlfriend because of the implications of shutting out other people. We weren't going to get married or move on into the future with each other and we didn't want to close off our possibilities. Whenever either of us was actually seeing someone (usually me, because he was openly poly and I was in denial) the relationship stayed the same but the "benefits" stopped.

Due to my network of intimate friends, I was never alone on any night that I didn't want to be alone. I always had a date for any event I could want to go to and I always had someone with whom to see any movie I wanted to see! There was physical closeness, though not sex. Sex and romance is what usually sent me out of the network.

Whenever I got into an intimate relationship however the tendency would be to draw a tight circle around myself and the partner, shutting these friendships out. I've found my intimate relationships to be almost suffocatingly lonely, and my partners almost always are uncomfortable with the amount of intimacy and closeness I have with other people. I always find that my partner doesn't give me enough physical affection but I'm now denied the option of getting it from anywhere else. The issue isn't enough sex - it's enough affection and emotional/intellectual intimacy! In relationships, I find myself cutting off from my friend network because I don't really know how to be friends with people in the more superficial way that most people seem to do. My friendships all seem to go really, really deep.

I have always bemoaned that I don't seem to have intimate partners who can even hold a candle to any one of my friends, and I wonder if having a more open relationship model (where my partner had no problem with me having fuzzier social boundaries outside of the relationship) might be the answer. I still have always wanted a primary partner. I just don't want it at the expense of cutting myself off from everyone else I've ever cared for. I need more social contact outside of my relationship than just getting together with The Joneses for bridge one hour a week.

There's also the issue that primary live in partners seem to inevitably have... when your partners stop being as nurturing, sexual and supportive as they once were because of resentments over financial and household responsibility. I've been in two relationships now where the unconditional support that there was in the beginning, ended up falling victim to resentments over domestic issues.

Sometimes I wonder if poly would be a better model for me, if I wasn't already poly after a fashion, just we didn't call it that.

[polyfulcrum]

It is quite possible to explore polyamory without having a primary partner. One of hallmarks of being poly is having the option to enjoy connections with people that aren't necessarily domestic partnership material, or just having a higher level of independence than traditional relationship structures tend to support.

It sounds like the trick for you is more in the nature of allowing your friendships to move in a direction that supports more of your needs, including your sexual needs. Why do you pull back from sharing all levels of intimacy within your connections, as long as it's consensual, honest, and responsible?

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by polyfulcrum

It sounds like the trick for you is more in the nature of allowing your friendships to move in a direction that supports more of your needs, including your sexual needs. Why do you pull back from sharing all levels of intimacy within your connections, as long as it's consensual, honest, and responsible?

I second all the above. It seems to me that you have been very much enjoying polyamory but have been unwilling to accept that label for yourself, and by trying to fit yourself into the monogamy model that society expects, you are boxing yourself in and making yourself quite unhappy. If you are at a point now where you are more comfortabel accepting your non-mainstreamness, why not try looking for a primary partner among poly-identified people? At worst it doesn't work out - but that won't be any worse than your past experiences, and the potential for it to go very well seems quite high.