Conscious Sexuality (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Conscious Sexuality

[hybrid756]

"I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed."

Is this not a bit overly judgemental for anyone a little more enlightened?

We weren't all made to be religious, we weren't all made the same race. I don't personally see the point in sex, and that's perfectly fine. It's only when people start claiming that you must have sex, and you must love it, otherwise you're a deficient person, that I start getting a bit pissed about it.

Why not try a little tolerance towards those who don't share your views?

[Susie]

I don't think that the people who said you were just in it for the sex also thought that it was wrong that you were just in it for the sex. Probably if they thought anything was "wrong" it was the possibility that you were trying to cover up your real motivation with some kind of "spiritual connection" smokescreen. The "wrong" part would have been if you weren't being honest and were trying to justify your move into polyamory with a bunch of b.s. about consciousness-raising when really you just wanted to get your rocks off with multiple partners.

[Magicinthenight]

Originally Posted by Susie

I don't think that the people who said you were just in it for the sex also thought that it was wrong that you were just in it for the sex. Probably if they thought anything was "wrong" it was the possibility that you were trying to cover up your real motivation with some kind of "spiritual connection" smokescreen. The "wrong" part would have been if you weren't being honest and were trying to justify your move into polyamory with a bunch of b.s. about consciousness-raising when really you just wanted to get your rocks off with multiple partners.

To be honest, this is what I thought first. There were so many reasons given about polyamory (many of which made me think well why not just have more friends?) that it seemed like they were used as excuses when the real reason wasn't being said.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex for sex's sake, I'm sure many people agree. But yes, also for many people having sexual relationships with many partners at the same time doesn't seem appealing. Not making a moral judgement, not saying sex is wrong, just saying sharing that kind of intimacy with more than one partner at a time doesn't appeal to all.

[Scorpio]

I think one reason I think people can make bad associations towards open sexuality and promiscuity is that it often seems like the people who sleep around the most are messed up in one way or another:

-They have mommy or daddy issues
-They have low self-esteem and sleep around in a hopeless attempt to raise it
-They were sexually abused
-They're compulsive
-They're acting out
-They're being self-destructive
-They do a lot of drugs and hook up with people under the effects
-They're pressured into it by their partners

I've met quite a few people like that, and over the years it's tainted the idea of sleeping around in my mind. Not that I think it can't be done positively, that's just my knee-jerk reaction.

[million]

Originally Posted by Scorpio

I think one reason I think people can make bad associations towards open sexuality and promiscuity is that it often seems like the people who sleep around the most are messed up in one way or another:

-They have low self-esteem and sleep around in a hopeless attempt to raise it
-They were sexually abused

That's completely the opposite dude, people with low self esteem (especially overweight women) like to play the morality card whenever sex is brought up, and say that they're just not interested in it, bla bla. Actually if you have lots of sex, its only because you have a high self esteem and are confident which attracts the parteners to you.

Also, people who were molested/sexually abused are also the ones with the most hangups about sex, and the ones who stuff themselves with food, become overweight, and as a result have low self esteem.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Scorpio

I've met quite a few people like that, and over the years it's tainted the idea of sleeping around in my mind. Not that I think it can't be done positively, that's just my knee-jerk reaction.

I agree. There are lots of people who use promiscuity as an avoidance mechanism -- an escape from dealing with other life issues.

[Eric Revelin]

Originally Posted by hybrid756

"I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed."

Is this not a bit overly judgemental for anyone a little more enlightened?

We weren't all made to be religious, we weren't all made the same race. I don't personally see the point in sex, and that's perfectly fine. It's only when people start claiming that you must have sex, and you must love it, otherwise you're a deficient person, that I start getting a bit pissed about it.

Why not try a little tolerance towards those who don't share your views?

Where did Steve say you must have sex and that you have to love it? You're putting words into his mouth. If you don't wanna have sex that's your business. Steve was talking about people who make it into a moral issue and stigmatize human sexuality. Usually if someone is incredibly vocal about it then they're repressed and they're trying to justify their own repression by telling everyone else they need to repress themselves too. That's a different gambit than, "Eh, it's not my thing." That's not repression, that's an earnest lack of desire. Big difference.

[gingerbaker]

The whole post just made me go "Yes, yes, yes, YES!!!" This has been my view on sexuality for a long time now, and I feel like you've been picking words out of my brain! Except that this is not a new realization for me in any way LOL.

"If you were a vibrational match for sexual abundance, you could go out tonight, meet someone compatible, and have great sex together. People do this all the time."

I can say with absolute certainty that this is true. This is also part of the reason I wish everyone would do burlesque it's like a shortcut for learning to feel comfortable with your own sexuality.

Originally Posted by Eric Revelin

Where did Steve say you must have sex and that you have to love it? You're putting words into his mouth. If you don't wanna have sex that's your business. Steve was talking about people who make it into a moral issue and stigmatize human sexuality. Usually if someone is incredibly vocal about it then they're repressed and they're trying to justify their own repression by telling everyone else they need to repress themselves too. That's a different gambit than, "Eh, it's not my thing." That's not repression, that's an earnest lack of desire. Big difference.

Absolutely agree with this. For instance, my sister is very sex-positive and in fact has a large number of friends who are non-mainstream (flexible gender, transgender, bisexual, homosexual, power exchange people, etc.) and is very comfortable with any of that energy, but although I happen to know she loves to...enjoy herself...she is just not interested much in sex with other people. And that is totally fine - it definitely doesn't come from a disconnect with her own sexuality in anyway, it's just what she likes.

[Fullcrum]

This is exactly how I think. You hit the nail on the head in this one.

I'm curious: How did you create most of these new social relationships? Was it through the blog or did you cold approach people and meet them on your own?

Could you approach a "stranger" on the street if you feel the energy is right?

[magi13]

To me sex is sacred, someone you share with the person who will discover you and an experience worth remembering. (mine)

I agree with your view that there are way to many derogatory views about sex, but if in relation to polyamory that's a different matter.

You do not need to have sex in a polyamorous relationship. If you just want to be with someone other than your main Girl or Boy, someone to chat with that's ok too (we call that friendship). But if your main reason in a polyamory relationship is just sex, ^^, that's something you will have to figure out on your own.

Sex in general is wonderful, it's a good exercise, fun, adventurous and very personal.

It is no way a sin, I agree with your view that it is not, the organized religion did that so that no one will be able to get away from sin. Smart kids, really >,<

Sex with multiple partners => always have a regular check up. >,<


Peace, safe sex guys. haha

[bunnyman]

Originally Posted by gingembre

The whole post just made me go "Yes, yes, yes, YES!!!"

Teehee!

[Andrew Brunelle]

What do you call someone who makes love to themself? A-amorous? Interesting article. Again, breaking the rules of social conditioning. It's a very interesting lifestyle, it seems. Go for it, Steve. And if your wife wants to as well, encourage her.

Like you said in the blog post, it's alla bout being conscious about our sexuality. You could go around sleeping with everyone that moves, or you can choose your sex partners consciously and deliberately. This looks like it's going to be Steve's best year ever!

[bunnyman]

Originally Posted by hybrid756

"I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed."

I don't personally see the point in sex...

So then, you do not feel it is wrong, dirty, or immoral? Right? So you're not repressed! Great!

It's one thing to say, "no thanks I'm not interested but you go ahead," and another thing to say "you better not be interested either or there's something wrong with you!" It's that second group who is terribly repressed. And grumpy.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by hybrid756

"I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed."

Is this not a bit overly judgemental for anyone a little more enlightened?

What is your definition of "enlightened"? Not calling anyone repressed?

Originally Posted by hybrid756

I don't personally see the point in sex, and that's perfectly fine.

The point of sex is to have fun! To share touching, nudity and connection with someone you love.. or like..

Originally Posted by hybrid756

It's only when people start claiming that you must have sex, and you must love it, otherwise you're a deficient person, that I start getting a bit pissed about it.

If you don't understand the point of sex, you wouldn't call that a deficiency?

Originally Posted by hybrid756

Why not try a little tolerance towards those who don't share your views?

Tolerance Is Resistance to Love

[Johnny Soporno]

Originally Posted by hybrid756

I don't personally see the point in sex, and that's perfectly fine. It's only when people start claiming that you must have sex, and you must love it, otherwise you're a deficient person, that I start getting a bit pissed about it.

Hybrid, Steve's statement does not mention people who are apathetic to sex, nor people who don't enjoy sex. It comments specifically about people who feel sex is "wrong, dirty, or immoral" (ie, repressed people) and is not critical of anyone who doesn't have sex for any other reason.

Originally Posted by Riddle

I think the moral zeitgeist is heading towards a hedonist ideal, where 'Good' is whatever makes one feel good.

Yes indeed! And it's about time! The nonsensical and anti-human notions that "we are born to suffer" and that "happiness is something which we only deserve when we've accomplished what we're supposed to do, to the satisfaction of others" have been propagated since time-immemorial strictly as a mechanism for controlling people, and keeping them from doing what they want to do!


Johnny Soporno
Worthy Playboy

[cacheborn]

Wow Steve. another refreshing post.
as always your posts force me to rethink about my beliefs!

[Chris_1977]

I see a problem with the "have sex with whomever you want"-idea and that is sexually transmittable disease. Especially if you're gay (like I am) I think the risk is just too big. Condoms are not 100% safe. Maybe I should do a bit of soul-searching in the sense separately answering the questions "with whom would I like to have sex" and "what do I consider an acceptable risk" and after having answered that, find a solution that works from the point of view of both questions.

[MidasGirl]

If somebody chooses polyamory and they choose consciously, who cares?

If they choose monogamy and they choose consciously, who cares?

The problem is pretending you are happy with your current situation when you know you are not.

And another problem is starting to feel superior because you have somehow decided your way is THE way. Or that one is somehow more enlightened than the other. No different than what we see people do in religion and politics. Then it becomes obvious to everybody else but yourself that you are on an ego trip.

Just be happy you live in a country where you can choose these lifestyles, whether you are a man or woman.

The fact is, whichever path you use, they all have unique consequences that have to be dealt with. No free ride on this crazy ball of dirt.

[smileytrysh]

Wow I absolutely loved that post! How refreshing to hear someone talking about all the things we *can* do as opposed to all the things we *aren't supposed* to do!

Its interesting, as an observer, to witness the reactions that a topic like sex brings about in people. It creates many mixed emotions within me for sure, as I think of all the things I was taught as a child as opposed to how I WANT to feel about it.

[Eduardo César]

Steve,

In this post you express in a concise and straighforward manner basically what I have been thinking for some time lately. Its a good significative coincidence for me that you choose to write about this matter, and it helped me do gain more clarity about my relationships and my directions. Thanks for the post and keep then coming!

[Nani]

I enjoyed reading this. I agree that people limit themselves with the conditioned beliefs society has instilled into them about sex, and I had to go through this in the past when I realized I was an asexual. When you start a romantic relationship with someone, that there will be sex somewhere down the line seems to be a given, and this fact depressed me. I thought that since I had zero interest in sex, there was something wrong with me, and I desperately wanted to be "normal" and want it so I could fit in.

I've come to terms with my asexuality since then, so I'm not bothered by it anymore. I look at my relationships in a new way now because without sex, the lines between "romance" and "friendship" have blurred, and I like it that way.

[RRR]

# They accept themselves as they are, warts and all; they feel good about their bodies, regardless of how well they live up to society’s standards of physical beauty.

The warts part struck me as something you might want to edit when talking about people sharing multiple sex partners.

Perhaps the most conscious way to explore our sexuality is to stop corrupting sex by trying to tun it into something else. It’s time for us to release the emotional and social baggage we’ve linked to it.

Yay sex.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by RRR

The warts part struck me as something you might want to edit when talking about people sharing multiple sex partners.

LOL. Can't believe I didn't think of that.

[Riddle]

I don't think sex is wrong or immoral, but I definitely do get tired of hearing about it. It's constantly shoved down your throat 24/7 and it does get wearisome. And when I see my little sister watching a show on the disney channel with some 10 year old kids talking about sexual relationship problems... that's when I lose all faith in humanity! What happened to educational children programmes? Also, I hate listening to people talk about their sexual exploits as if their debauchery were worthy of moral acclaim. I think the moral zeitgeist is heading towards a hedonist ideal, where 'good' is whatever makes one feel good. I feel a bit sad that our society has lost its moral integrity and succumbed to hedonist morals and values. Now Steve has succumbed to hedonism aswell, although he is very good at rationalizing his decadence.

[Angela]

Not me. I never get tired of hearing about sex.

[Fullcrum]

Riddle,

If you do not have a society focused on feeling good and pleasure...what do they focus on? Principles and morals? And the principles and morals achieve...or help to achieve a state of feeling good.

"Hedonism" is inescapable. In our society, it is brought more into the forefront. In a way, that aspect of humans is less repressed than other times in history. Of course, pleasure seeking at the cost of self-destruction or the destruction of principles leads to collapsing societies. Think Rome, think the Ottoman Empire.

What is moral integrity, anyway, except consciously following defined principles as one's highest ideals?

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Riddle,

If you do not have a society focused on feeling good and pleasure...what do they focus on? Principles and morals? And the principles and morals achieve...or help to achieve a state of feeling good.

"Hedonism" is inescapable. In our society, it is brought more into the forefront. In a way, that aspect of humans is less repressed than other times in history. Of course, pleasure seeking at the cost of self-destruction or the destruction of principles leads to collapsing societies. Think Rome, think the Ottoman Empire.

What is moral integrity, anyway, except consciously following defined principles as one's highest ideals?

Perhaps living virtuously achieves a state of 'eudaimonia' or well-being, but that I think is not the same as achieving sensual pleasure, which is the goal of hedonism.

I don't think we can have true morality in a society that promotes self-interest as an overriding goal, for a culture that says 'do whatever feels good' will naturally breed hedonistic ideology. Why is personal development so popular? Because it fits with the current 'feel good' zeitgeist. People don't really care about leading a moral life anymore, instead people only want to feel good. Under hedonism moral integrity can only be abandoned when one does something against self-interest (for pleasure is always in one's self-interest); is that a system of morals your conscience can feel genuinely good about?

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by Angela

Not me. I never get tired of hearing about sex.

Why? What is there left to hear that hasn't been heard 1000 times before?

[WhiteCrow]

Originally Posted by Riddle

Why? What is there left to hear that hasn't been heard 1000 times before?

Why not hear something good a 1000 times?

Why is it bad to just pursue something because it makes someone feel good? Ofcourse we can cling to principles just because they sound good.

Things like justice, patience, morals have no meaning. It is the people who give them meaning.

I mean what does decadence mean? The definition states "a luxurious self-indulgence".

That sounds pretty good to me. I mean ofcourse we can stick to the morals our parents taught us, or society, or Jesus, but I would prefer if we ALL would just think for our selves, decide what we like and then just do it. If we are not hurting anyone in the process, what is the problem?????????