Conscious Sexuality (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Conscious Sexuality

[hybrid756]

"I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed."

Is this not a bit overly judgemental for anyone a little more enlightened?

We weren't all made to be religious, we weren't all made the same race. I don't personally see the point in sex, and that's perfectly fine. It's only when people start claiming that you must have sex, and you must love it, otherwise you're a deficient person, that I start getting a bit pissed about it.

Why not try a little tolerance towards those who don't share your views?

[Susie]

I don't think that the people who said you were just in it for the sex also thought that it was wrong that you were just in it for the sex. Probably if they thought anything was "wrong" it was the possibility that you were trying to cover up your real motivation with some kind of "spiritual connection" smokescreen. The "wrong" part would have been if you weren't being honest and were trying to justify your move into polyamory with a bunch of b.s. about consciousness-raising when really you just wanted to get your rocks off with multiple partners.

[Magicinthenight]

Originally Posted by Susie

I don't think that the people who said you were just in it for the sex also thought that it was wrong that you were just in it for the sex. Probably if they thought anything was "wrong" it was the possibility that you were trying to cover up your real motivation with some kind of "spiritual connection" smokescreen. The "wrong" part would have been if you weren't being honest and were trying to justify your move into polyamory with a bunch of b.s. about consciousness-raising when really you just wanted to get your rocks off with multiple partners.

To be honest, this is what I thought first. There were so many reasons given about polyamory (many of which made me think well why not just have more friends?) that it seemed like they were used as excuses when the real reason wasn't being said.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex for sex's sake, I'm sure many people agree. But yes, also for many people having sexual relationships with many partners at the same time doesn't seem appealing. Not making a moral judgement, not saying sex is wrong, just saying sharing that kind of intimacy with more than one partner at a time doesn't appeal to all.

[Scorpio]

I think one reason I think people can make bad associations towards open sexuality and promiscuity is that it often seems like the people who sleep around the most are messed up in one way or another:

-They have mommy or daddy issues
-They have low self-esteem and sleep around in a hopeless attempt to raise it
-They were sexually abused
-They're compulsive
-They're acting out
-They're being self-destructive
-They do a lot of drugs and hook up with people under the effects
-They're pressured into it by their partners

I've met quite a few people like that, and over the years it's tainted the idea of sleeping around in my mind. Not that I think it can't be done positively, that's just my knee-jerk reaction.

[million]

Originally Posted by Scorpio

I think one reason I think people can make bad associations towards open sexuality and promiscuity is that it often seems like the people who sleep around the most are messed up in one way or another:

-They have low self-esteem and sleep around in a hopeless attempt to raise it
-They were sexually abused

That's completely the opposite dude, people with low self esteem (especially overweight women) like to play the morality card whenever sex is brought up, and say that they're just not interested in it, bla bla. Actually if you have lots of sex, its only because you have a high self esteem and are confident which attracts the parteners to you.

Also, people who were molested/sexually abused are also the ones with the most hangups about sex, and the ones who stuff themselves with food, become overweight, and as a result have low self esteem.

[Eric Revelin]

Originally Posted by hybrid756

"I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed."

Is this not a bit overly judgemental for anyone a little more enlightened?

We weren't all made to be religious, we weren't all made the same race. I don't personally see the point in sex, and that's perfectly fine. It's only when people start claiming that you must have sex, and you must love it, otherwise you're a deficient person, that I start getting a bit pissed about it.

Why not try a little tolerance towards those who don't share your views?

Where did Steve say you must have sex and that you have to love it? You're putting words into his mouth. If you don't wanna have sex that's your business. Steve was talking about people who make it into a moral issue and stigmatize human sexuality. Usually if someone is incredibly vocal about it then they're repressed and they're trying to justify their own repression by telling everyone else they need to repress themselves too. That's a different gambit than, "Eh, it's not my thing." That's not repression, that's an earnest lack of desire. Big difference.

[bunnyman]

Originally Posted by hybrid756

"I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed."

I don't personally see the point in sex...

So then, you do not feel it is wrong, dirty, or immoral? Right? So you're not repressed! Great!

It's one thing to say, "no thanks I'm not interested but you go ahead," and another thing to say "you better not be interested either or there's something wrong with you!" It's that second group who is terribly repressed. And grumpy.

[gingerbaker]

The whole post just made me go "Yes, yes, yes, YES!!!" This has been my view on sexuality for a long time now, and I feel like you've been picking words out of my brain! Except that this is not a new realization for me in any way LOL.

"If you were a vibrational match for sexual abundance, you could go out tonight, meet someone compatible, and have great sex together. People do this all the time."

I can say with absolute certainty that this is true. This is also part of the reason I wish everyone would do burlesque it's like a shortcut for learning to feel comfortable with your own sexuality.

Originally Posted by Eric Revelin

Where did Steve say you must have sex and that you have to love it? You're putting words into his mouth. If you don't wanna have sex that's your business. Steve was talking about people who make it into a moral issue and stigmatize human sexuality. Usually if someone is incredibly vocal about it then they're repressed and they're trying to justify their own repression by telling everyone else they need to repress themselves too. That's a different gambit than, "Eh, it's not my thing." That's not repression, that's an earnest lack of desire. Big difference.

Absolutely agree with this. For instance, my sister is very sex-positive and in fact has a large number of friends who are non-mainstream (flexible gender, transgender, bisexual, homosexual, power exchange people, etc.) and is very comfortable with any of that energy, but although I happen to know she loves to...enjoy herself...she is just not interested much in sex with other people. And that is totally fine - it definitely doesn't come from a disconnect with her own sexuality in anyway, it's just what she likes.

[Fullcrum]

This is exactly how I think. You hit the nail on the head in this one.

I'm curious: How did you create most of these new social relationships? Was it through the blog or did you cold approach people and meet them on your own?

Could you approach a "stranger" on the street if you feel the energy is right?

[magi13]

To me sex is sacred, someone you share with the person who will discover you and an experience worth remembering. (mine)

I agree with your view that there are way to many derogatory views about sex, but if in relation to polyamory that's a different matter.

You do not need to have sex in a polyamorous relationship. If you just want to be with someone other than your main Girl or Boy, someone to chat with that's ok too (we call that friendship). But if your main reason in a polyamory relationship is just sex, ^^, that's something you will have to figure out on your own.

Sex in general is wonderful, it's a good exercise, fun, adventurous and very personal.

It is no way a sin, I agree with your view that it is not, the organized religion did that so that no one will be able to get away from sin. Smart kids, really >,<

Sex with multiple partners => always have a regular check up. >,<


Peace, safe sex guys. haha

[bunnyman]

Originally Posted by gingembre

The whole post just made me go "Yes, yes, yes, YES!!!"

Teehee!

[Andrew Brunelle]

What do you call someone who makes love to themself? A-amorous? Interesting article. Again, breaking the rules of social conditioning. It's a very interesting lifestyle, it seems. Go for it, Steve. And if your wife wants to as well, encourage her.

Like you said in the blog post, it's alla bout being conscious about our sexuality. You could go around sleeping with everyone that moves, or you can choose your sex partners consciously and deliberately. This looks like it's going to be Steve's best year ever!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

What do you call someone who makes love to themself? A-amorous?

I would call that autoamorous. (But car lovers might get confused! )

[striving4peace]

I think Steve might have gotten a little too elitist and judgmental lately. On one hand he says anyone who tells him their views of him about him and his polyamorous suffer from 'remote diagnosis disorder' while he goes and does the same thing with his views on people doing anything that doesn't align with his way : calling them dumb, repressed and a lot of other degrading things.

I know steve would rather wrap his ego around his personal development identity than try and separate from it in a war on ego, but I really think his ego's inflated to dangerous levels. But hey - this is just my two cents and I probably suffer from remote diagnosis disorder too.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

I think Steve might have gotten a little too elitist and judgmental lately. On one hand he says anyone who tells him their views of him about him and his polyamorous suffer from 'remote diagnosis disorder' while he goes and does the same thing with his views on people doing anything that doesn't align with his way : calling them dumb, repressed and a lot of other degrading things. .

Well, there is a difference between people telling Steve their views on polyamory, and them telling him their views on what's wrong with Steve. One is evaluation and the other is judgement (good/bad right/wrong). The first is sharing, and aligned with truth, love, and power; the second is taking the perspective that Steve is diseased/evil/broken and needs to be cured/obliterated/fixed.

I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed.

This might have been a very confronting way of wording it -- but I can't see how it's elitist or judgmental. Basically, if you are judging your natural sexuality -- something that is built into our species -- as wrong, dirty, or immoral, are you not repressing that natural sexuality? Saying "someone is terribly repressed" does communicate it in a way that I can see would offend people, and I'm thinking Steve might want to reword it. (maybe not, though; he seems to enjoy pushing buttons ). "You ARE this or you ARE that" is not a real love-based way to communicate, in my opinion, because it creates a space of no-freedom. But the underlying point is that someone who is negatively judging a natural function of their body is in fact repressing it.

Anyway, nothing Steve or anyone else says means anything at all about who you are. (By "you" I mean "one", not you personally.)

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by hybrid756

"I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed."

Is this not a bit overly judgemental for anyone a little more enlightened?

What is your definition of "enlightened"? Not calling anyone repressed?

Originally Posted by hybrid756

I don't personally see the point in sex, and that's perfectly fine.

The point of sex is to have fun! To share touching, nudity and connection with someone you love.. or like..

Originally Posted by hybrid756

It's only when people start claiming that you must have sex, and you must love it, otherwise you're a deficient person, that I start getting a bit pissed about it.

If you don't understand the point of sex, you wouldn't call that a deficiency?

Originally Posted by hybrid756

Why not try a little tolerance towards those who don't share your views?

Tolerance Is Resistance to Love

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Scorpio

I've met quite a few people like that, and over the years it's tainted the idea of sleeping around in my mind. Not that I think it can't be done positively, that's just my knee-jerk reaction.

I agree. There are lots of people who use promiscuity as an avoidance mechanism -- an escape from dealing with other life issues.

[smileytrysh]

Wow I absolutely loved that post! How refreshing to hear someone talking about all the things we *can* do as opposed to all the things we *aren't supposed* to do!

Its interesting, as an observer, to witness the reactions that a topic like sex brings about in people. It creates many mixed emotions within me for sure, as I think of all the things I was taught as a child as opposed to how I WANT to feel about it.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by million

Actually if you have lots of sex, its only because you have a high self esteem and are confident which attracts the parteners to you.

Not necessarily true. There is plenty of no strings attached sex around that requires zero self esteem to partake in.

[Scorpio]

Originally Posted by million

That's completely the opposite dude, people with low self esteem (especially overweight women) like to play the morality card whenever sex is brought up, and say that they're just not interested in it, bla bla. Actually if you have lots of sex, its only because you have a high self esteem and are confident which attracts the parteners to you.

Also, people who were molested/sexually abused are also the ones with the most hangups about sex, and the ones who stuff themselves with food, become overweight, and as a result have low self esteem.

Some low self-esteem or sexually abused people are definitely promiscuous.

I agree that those same issues can have the opposite effect in some people though, like you said, causing them to avoid and be hung up about sex.

[polyfulcrum]

While some people who have experienced sexual abuse have low self-esteem, or seek out destructive promiscuity, there are those who don't allow events that are outside their control to determine their life path.

What is more empowering than to reclaim your sexuality on your own terms, without making destructive choices?

Having negative things happen to you doesn't force you to have poor self-esteem, or become overweight, or have hangups about sexuality. Damaging events can push you in that direction, but the decision to allow that to determine your future still lies within the individual.

[Blueskied]

I’ve spent a lot of time this month hanging out in Las Vegas with polyamorous people. These are people who enjoy having sex with multiple partners quite often.

Where do you find them? In clubs like swingers clubs?

[Asmoday]

...

Did Steve Pavlina just call me a slut?

::blinks::

Did that just happen?

...

My response: "Its possible. Pig."

[Eduardo César]

Steve,

In this post you express in a concise and straighforward manner basically what I have been thinking for some time lately. Its a good significative coincidence for me that you choose to write about this matter, and it helped me do gain more clarity about my relationships and my directions. Thanks for the post and keep then coming!

[Nani]

I enjoyed reading this. I agree that people limit themselves with the conditioned beliefs society has instilled into them about sex, and I had to go through this in the past when I realized I was an asexual. When you start a romantic relationship with someone, that there will be sex somewhere down the line seems to be a given, and this fact depressed me. I thought that since I had zero interest in sex, there was something wrong with me, and I desperately wanted to be "normal" and want it so I could fit in.

I've come to terms with my asexuality since then, so I'm not bothered by it anymore. I look at my relationships in a new way now because without sex, the lines between "romance" and "friendship" have blurred, and I like it that way.

[RRR]

# They accept themselves as they are, warts and all; they feel good about their bodies, regardless of how well they live up to society’s standards of physical beauty.

The warts part struck me as something you might want to edit when talking about people sharing multiple sex partners.

Perhaps the most conscious way to explore our sexuality is to stop corrupting sex by trying to tun it into something else. It’s time for us to release the emotional and social baggage we’ve linked to it.

Yay sex.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by RRR

The warts part struck me as something you might want to edit when talking about people sharing multiple sex partners.

LOL. Can't believe I didn't think of that.

[Riddle]

I don't think sex is wrong or immoral, but I definitely do get tired of hearing about it. It's constantly shoved down your throat 24/7 and it does get wearisome. And when I see my little sister watching a show on the disney channel with some 10 year old kids talking about sexual relationship problems... that's when I lose all faith in humanity! What happened to educational children programmes? Also, I hate listening to people talk about their sexual exploits as if their debauchery were worthy of moral acclaim. I think the moral zeitgeist is heading towards a hedonist ideal, where 'good' is whatever makes one feel good. I feel a bit sad that our society has lost its moral integrity and succumbed to hedonist morals and values. Now Steve has succumbed to hedonism aswell, although he is very good at rationalizing his decadence.

[Angela]

Not me. I never get tired of hearing about sex.