Initiating Relationships with Openness, Honesty, and Directness (Blog)

[Steve Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Initiating Relationships with Openness, Honesty, and Directness

[Magicinthenight]

Fantastic post!! Very good advice to apply to any relationship. Being open and honest and direct is so important in relationships.

I've recently taken steps to do just that and I feel I've benefited a lot from it. This post makes me even more assured I'm on the right path so a big thank you, Steve!

[Rose of Cairo]

Steve, the version of you that lives in my world is really irritating at times. Every time I want to write about something, you do it first.

When I first went raw in November 2007 and decided to write about it on my blog, you announced just a few weeks later that you were going raw and wrote a lot about it. In fall I decided to focus my blog on relationships, because I felt strongly drawn to write about that and to share my experiences with polyamory, connecting etc. A couple months later that's exactly what you chose to focus on. I wrote about marriage and before I published it you wrote about marriage. I wrote a draft about the dating game vs. making authentic connections, and what do you write about?!

I spend my time reading your posts and deleting my drafts. You soooooo trigger my "I'm useless" limiting belief.

You know that I know it has nothing to do with you. Sorry for the off-topic comment, I just needed to vent. If you were here, I'd box you.

[simplyberry]

When you've been around as long as I have(0ver 50 years and counting near 60) and through a divorce, a deceased spouse, caretaker for children, you realize honesty is the best policy in any relationship. This doesn't mean just honesty after " the relationship" has been established; but also "before and during the courtship period"; it also means honesty in self exploration of your goals and values and determining it's beneficial to be in a relationship and if so with who.

If for some reason you have not done the self exploration and made a mistake; it is "honest" to express if you are willing to work on your communication or even access if you should even be together and "end it". It is in the best interest of children for them to be with parents who have no "secrets" to hide and are in open communication with their children on how their parents issues will affect their need to feel safe and secure.

If you are truly honest, then you will set up an environment where your children (if of age) can express if your behaviors nurture them and makes them feel safe.

Honesty--a given. And the willingness to hear honesty from your children: a given also.

[Chris_1977]

Steve, you are so totally cool and direct, I just love it!!!!! After the first two paragraphs I was LOL-ing!!!!!!

I really would like to be as honest as you... It looks like you took your personal development to a whole new level when you started to explore polyamory.

[Jake Birkett]

10 years ago I said to my current partner (who was a friend at the time) that I really liked her a lot and felt I had to tell her but hoped it would not affect our friendship, then she kissed me ;-)

So yeah being honest worked for me.

[gingembre]

Honesty is absolutely the best. I have always been a bit bewildered why anyone would want to spend so much time pretending, be it in a relationship or a job interview. I long ago came to the conclusion that my directness scares people off (this despite being many times simply "yes I would love to **** you, and be really close friends with you, but no I am not going to fall in love with you - if you are looking for The One, I am not it" which you would really think guys in general would appreciate LOL). However, I also came to the conclusion that this left me with the top 10% and that I have no interest in being involved with that 90% that can't handle me.

Since I've taken my polyamory to a more emotional level, the conversation now is "I think you're awesome and would love to spend time with you, but my offline time is so *very* limited right now!" LOL. Thank you Steve & the forums for getting me onto okcupid.com!! Great friendship and lover potential.

[oakspringer]

Clear concise and to the point. Helped me reconsider how I can relate to people in a more direct way.

Will give this a shot!

Ben

[curiousalexa]

I spent much of this article going yup, yup, yeah that too.

I also believe in honesty and being upfront. I don't do subtle. I am also amused at your comments about people assuming you already have a full dance card, because I do exactly that!

General question: you've met someone, either in person or by reputation, who you find intriguing. You suggest skipping the small talk, but how does such a dialog get opened? Somehow "Hi, you don't know me but I find you fascinating and would love to spend an hour or two picking your brain" doesn't seem like a good approach... [wry grin]

To put it in really broad terms, where is the line between smalltalk and stalker?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by curiousalexa

To put it in really broad terms, where is the line between smalltalk and stalker?

"Picking your brain" sounds so invasive, doesn't it?

I realize you're asking Steve that question, but I just wanted to say that for me, if a person is asking questions or approaching communication with win/win in mind, then you're on the right track. If (s)he is asking questions with a win/lose approach, or even win/draw, then you're in stalker land.

If you pay attention, it's not hard to notice when you're dancing with someone in conversation, even if you're being led, and when you're being worked over.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by curiousalexa

To put it in really broad terms, where is the line between smalltalk and stalker?

It's not so much about the words you say but about the kind of connection you're feeling/creating energetically.

If your attitude is that you're trying to get something from the other person, you'll broadcast creepy/needy vibes and likely push the other person away.

But if your attitude is open and friendly, and you just want to connect and see what happens, my experience is that people are usually very open to this, and it matters little what specific words you choose.

I meet new people all the time (I met tons during the past three weeks), and I don't even remember what openers I used. It was all natural and spontaneous. What I do remember is feeling very happy and excited. I was energetically open and broadcasting friendly vibes.

When I feel this way, people are attracted to me like a magnet. Everyone has a great time. Makes no difference what I say or don't say. The words just arise spontaneously.

But if I were feeling nervous, anxious, or worried, I'd repel people. People would respond coldly to me if I tried to open them. I couldn't keep conversations going. I'd sense that people were bored or turned off.

Most of the time when I feel happy and friendly, people walk up and open conversations with me very casually.

For the past couple weeks, I hung out with guys who can express sexual intent within the first 5 minutes of conversation and get a very positive response. Why? Because they're congruent with it. They see it as fun and flirtatious, not creepy or needy.

When I meet new people, I just assume we're already friends.

Do you think about what openers to use or worry about making too much smalltalk with your closest friends? No, it's very casual. You feel a friendly vibe and say whatever's on your mind.

Treat people as if they already are close friends with you, and smalltalk is unnecessary. Just dive in and start discussing what interests you.

[Logan]

Hey Steve

I like your direct approach. It's very powerful and cuts directly to the core.

However...

You talk about flirting and that you don't know whether the other person is seriously interested in you.

The point of flirting is to get to know each other a bit without needing to commit to each other. You get to know someone in a fun and light hearted context. Until here you could say that you aren't afraid of rejection so you don't need it.

But flirting does something else: It is CREATING attraction! Until now you probably just assumed that attraction is there or not. Maybe I'm misinterpreting you. You must see attraction is not just there or not, it can be created. Maybe you would call this game playing. One way of creating attraction is to flirt, another is to be direct, or another is to be dominant.

Now after attraction is there you can go to the next step in building an intimate relationship, which is the connection building. From now onwards I fully agree with you.

[parag]

Hey Steve, very nice article.

I too have noticed that when I approach people without nervousness, but with just the thought of making a connection of having fun, I am able to have flowing conversations, and everyone has a good time.

However, often this flow is lost after first contact. When we meet people multiple times, and get to know them better, insecurities arise on both the sides. These insecurities keep the flow from going smoothly. Off course not conversations will have these insecurities and also they are felt more with some people that with others.

I have noticed that our (this is something that I have personally experienced) insecurities prevent us from making soulful connections with other humans. I have been thinking, if having a totally fearless (and compassionate) attitude towards life helps us make better and deeper connections with other people.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Logan

Hey Steve

I like your direct approach. It's very powerful and cuts directly to the core.

However...

You talk about flirting and that you don't know whether the other person is seriously interested in you.

The point of flirting is to get to know each other a bit without needing to commit to each other. You get to know someone in a fun and light hearted context. Until here you could say that you aren't afraid of rejection so you don't need it.

But flirting does something else: It is CREATING attraction! Until now you probably just assumed that attraction is there or not. Maybe I'm misinterpreting you. You must see attraction is not just there or not, it can be created. Maybe you would call this game playing. One way of creating attraction is to flirt, another is to be direct, or another is to be dominant.

Now after attraction is there you can go to the next step in building an intimate relationship, which is the connection building. From now onwards I fully agree with you.

When I'm with people face-to-face, I can usually read their "energy signature" so well that I know very quickly whether or not I feel any attraction to them, even if they haven't said a word.

I agree that attraction can be created. The question is how much work it will take. If I see that someone is energetically incompatible with me at first glance, I know it will take a lot of work to get a good connection going. I will probably not bother because it isn't worth the effort. I'll seek out someone else who naturally feels like a better fit for me, whereby creating attraction is nearly effortless, and it's also easier to sustain.

Flirting allows me to play around with our energetic connection. For example, I can bring a woman's energy up, or I can allow her to bring mine up as well. We can raise both our energies by sharing laughs together.

I rarely find a good match at a bar or club. I rarely see people in those places that I feel any attraction towards, and I usually wouldn't want to create attraction with them either. But at a raw foods festival or a spirituality conference, I find I'm a match for almost everyone, and creating attraction is largley effortless.

The skin cells of our bodies are covered with protein structures that act as tiny receivers/transmitters. Biologically speaking, we are constantly broadcasting subtle signals and receiving signals from the people around us as well. If you want to learn more about this, a great book to read is The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton.

[MercuryLime]

Steve, I think a link to your article on calibration from this article would be extremely helpful. It is important to be aware of the other person and how they feel about it by reading into their words and actions. In essence, I'm advocating the use of intelligence (to interpret how the other person is feeling before you say it) and oneness (to empathize with them instead of just thinking about oneself.)

[cacheborn]

Hey Steve,
Thanks for a great post. That's a totally new approach and it sounds so refreshing. And what you mentioned about being happy and relaxed is so, so true. When you are in that state, the conversation just flows! I have experienced that and my goal is to attain and keep that energy level all the time.
The book seems very interesting as well. Thanks!

[Eduardo César]

Made me remember how I really like to relate to people and that the BS I have been taught about relationships (because I did not ever knew that it could be different) have served me in the past, but now it's holding me back and that soulfull relationships is what I want for now on.

[Brendon Colby]

I know this isn’t how TV characters behave, but it is how conscious human beings relate to each other.

This is pretty much why I gave up on TV altogether a couple of years ago. Recently I tried watching Lost on DVD, but had to give it up quickly. I just kept thinking "my god, these people are all incredibly insane!" None of the characters seemed in any way "real" to me. They were always causing conflict and playing games with each other. There was no voice of reason.

I think that most TV shows are like this. I believe it's simply writing to keep those ratings up rather than being genuine to a story or a character. I think it's time for me to get into reading fiction.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Steve, the version of you that lives in my world is really irritating at times. Every time I want to write about something, you do it first.

When I first went raw in November 2007 and decided to write about it on my blog, you announced just a few weeks later that you were going raw and wrote a lot about it. In fall I decided to focus my blog on relationships, because I felt strongly drawn to write about that and to share my experiences with polyamory, connecting etc. A couple months later that's exactly what you chose to focus on. I wrote about marriage and before I published it you wrote about marriage. I wrote a draft about the dating game vs. making authentic connections, and what do you write about?!

I spend my time reading your posts and deleting my drafts.

I think you should go ahead and still post what you have to say on the subject even if Steve published his first. You still have a different way of explaining things and it's great and beneficial to hear similar ideas that are explained by different people.

[Logan]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I rarely find a good match at a bar or club. I rarely see people in those places that I feel any attraction towards, and I usually wouldn't want to create attraction with them either. But at a raw foods festival or a spirituality conference, I find I'm a match for almost everyone, and creating attraction is largley effortless.

[...]

The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton.

I totally agree with you, Steve. Attraction happens completely effortless if you're in a high state of consciousness (Hawkins' love and above) and the woman as well. But that's not the case for everyone.

Thanks for the idea to go to a spiritual meeting or something. There would definitely be women that would be a better match for me. I'll check this out. :-)

And thanks for the book recommendation.

[Cronfeld]

This is going to be interesting - 'cause I'm going down the poly road with you!

I've been in a wonderful relationship for almost a year. Not ONE quarrel EVER since we met, almost pure happiness together 24/7. Sounds like a bad movie, but it's real. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I found out that she'd been with another guy for a night, and talked to him behind my back. The act itself didn't make me that sad, but the fact that she hadn't tell me (I found out myself) made me very sad, 'cause I trusted this girl with my life. Anyways - I gave her another chance, and we went on. She've done a lot of things the last couple of weeks to try to make me trust her again. I've told her all along that I didn't trust her anymore, and that I would probably never do. Last night we talked about all this stuff again, and she didn't like the thought that I would probably NEVER trust her again (and I really felt like that - but was still happy about myself and the relationship, it was just a fact). While talking to her and trying to find a solution I thought - in which scenario would my trust go 100% back right at that moment, and never disappear again. I found out that it would if I knew that she had NOTHING to hide. 'Cause if she hadn't, why would she EVER lie? What if we agreed that she could be with all the guys she'd like - and I'd be completely fine with it? Well - try to convice a young hot girl like her about that. I did it. I talked to her about a relationship where we could be with all the people we'd like, and just be happy about the other person enjoying life. Normally she would NEVER accept anything like this - but she could really feel that I did this for the highest good of all. I didn't do this just because I want more sex with random girls. I did this to be a better human being and make it a better world - both for her, myself and everybody else. She agreed that it sounded like a very good idea. She had some minor concerns about specific situations etc., so we talked all night about EVERYTHING related to this, so we had NO worries at all. Well - now we're trying it. I already feel MUCH better about our relationsship, and so does she. I'm looking forward to more poly' articles since I will do this myself with you. It'll be REALLY interesting!

[Inthon]

One of the best articles to date. This really resonated with me and encouraged me to share my own experience on this subject.

Honesty is really the best policy and stripping away all the loud music, alcohol, and games is so much more genuine.

Again, this article was such a good one I had to sit down today and write my own interpretation and share the lessons I learned.

[HealingMaven]

Originally Posted by curiousalexa

General question: you've met someone, either in person or by reputation, who you find intriguing. You suggest skipping the small talk, but how does such a dialog get opened? Somehow "Hi, you don't know me but I find you fascinating and would love to spend an hour or two picking your brain" doesn't seem like a good approach... [wry grin]

Huh. Why is this such a bad approach? (Okay, maybe I'd change picking your brain to something more concrete like, learning more about what you think of theories x & y.) You could always continue with, "I share xyz interests with you and think we'd get on well. I offer my blog/forum handle/myspace page/twitter account if you want to look there and see if I hold any interest for you before responding."

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by Logan

I totally agree with you, Steve. Attraction happens completely effortless if you're in a high state of consciousness (Hawkins' love and above) and the woman as well. But that's not the case for everyone.

Interesting!

I find I'm attracted to *most* of my friends, at some time or another. This is actually how I figured out that I'm bisexual. If I'm NOT attracted, there's usually something about them I wouldn't even want as a friend.

Sexual attraction isn't the reason I date anyone; it's not a scarce commodity. It's not even the reason I have sex, though it definitely has to be there. I can feel attracted to almost anyone who I "click" with enough to be a friend.

[Chris Cade]

This post reminds me of when I met my wife.... and we were both very up front, direct, no games... and my gosh was it such a delightful departure from the "dating game."

Of course it helped that I knew I was going to marry her, so everything between "Hi, I'm Chris" and "I do" was just connecting the dots.

[90802]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

For the past couple weeks, I hung out with guys who can express sexual intent within the first 5 minutes of conversation and get a very positive response. Why? Because they're congruent with it. They see it as fun and flirtatious, not creepy or needy.

Hmm, that sounds like a skill worth developing. Anyone here have any tips?

[WhiteCrow]

Originally Posted by 90802

Hmm, that sounds like a skill worth developing. Anyone here have any tips?

It is the same principle as the Moocher v.s the Contributor mindset.

Do you have something to offer to women? The answer is yes ofcourse. The moment you realize it, you have nothing to worry about attraction or anything. Just know that you are a great guy and you have value to offer instead of taking.

If you see having sex with a woman as having more VALUE for you than for her, you will have a hard time finding women. If you see sex as a GIFT from you to her, you will have many women.

Abundance mindset is key.

[nocturne]

steve: i have a question;
I am on a college campus. I have trouble being direct that I think a girl is awesome and that I want to get to know her better. This is because we are often in group situations, with staff and faculty all around.

I also have trouble even if its just friends around.

Is this just my personal issue? How would you approach this situation?

I think your blog is awesome and I like how you tell the truth.

also; directness is a form of flirting, just the most direct kind. my point is that it could create attraction just like any other kind of flirting.

[supertom]

I can read peoples body language but i cant read their energy.

So if i learn would i be able to know if they want to connect, kinda like the energy verion of a indicator of interest.

[nocturne]

super tom i'm not sure what your question means. but feeling a person's energy is probably just a more right brain version of counting the positive things they do with their body language.

You sort of "feel" how they act. Its something you tune into, its not something you "learn" to do in a logical way.

If you are an overly logical sort of person you might have trouble with feeling a person's energy. correct me if someone thinks i am wrong.