Why Polyamory? (Blog)

[lloyd21]

Good blog Steve, I see in other post here that you *always* have some form of measurement stick in judging your progress: juice feasting, polyphasic sleep, even this website.

I have one question, what is your standard of measurement in polyamory success?

How will you know when you succeeded or failed? Is there a specific number of people you want to connect with (1, 6, 100, infinity?). For example am a fitness/personal development fanatic, I doubt I will ever stop working out/trying to improve, is polyamory the same for you?

It its seems totally unlike you have ever wrote about, or did you answer this question and I missed it?

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by lloyd21

Good blog Steve, I see in other post here that you *always* have some form of measurement stick in judging your progress: juice feasting, polyphasic sleep, even this website.

I have one question, what is your standard of measurement in polyamory success?

How will you know when you succeeded or failed? Is there a specific number of people you want to connect with (1, 6, 100, infinity?). For example am a fitness/personal development fanatic, I doubt I will ever stop working out/trying to improve, is polyamory the same for you?

It its seems totally unlike you have ever wrote about, or did you answer this question and I missed it?

Success isn't some end result to be achieved. It's a process of learning, growing, and loving life.

Every day on this path, I'm learning more, I'm growing, and I'm having an amazingly fun time. If there is some success to be achieved, I'm already enjoying it now. The external yardsticks will be met in their own good time, but they aren't the primary reason for playing the game in the first place.

[asgeirtj]

It's funny that you should mention desire for sex and dairy products. I'm on day 45 of raw foods 811 trial which means I haven't been consuming dairy products for the same amount of time. And my libido is at it's lowest! Right now I haven't ejaculated in about 10 days which is very rare for me.

[gingembre]

Originally Posted by asgeirtj

It's funny that you should mention desire for sex and dairy products. I'm on day 45 of raw foods 811 trial which means I haven't been consuming dairy products for the same amount of time. And my libido is at it's lowest! Right now I haven't ejaculated in about 10 days which is very rare for me.

I don't know if that has to do with the dairy - for example, I have been off dairy for some time now, and mostly raw for the past four months, and my sex drive is at a very high point (even for me, which is really saying something...I'm known for having the hormonal urges of a teenage boy).

[Jack Christopher]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

I am a 17 year old mostly raw male teenager.

Sex is often on my mind.

Sidenote: My sex drive went up after cutting out most dairy and eating mostly raw, not down.

In my position, what would you do, Steve? Right now I honor my drives. To me, sexual connection and emotional intimacy can be separate things. They can be connected, and have been for me, but really...it's not that big a priority in my life right now. I just don't feel it. Is this a sign of my DEVOLVED STATE? Am I simply a HORNY teenager and this will pass? Perhaps - but not paying attention to one's desires, isn't that the ultimate sham?

What would you say to someone like me?

It's a passing phase. It goes away as you reach a higher level of awareness.

That kind of sex and (porn especially) will start to resonate at a lower level of awareness. As you learn more during those acts you'll start to ask, is this really me? What does it say about me that I can value a body, while discarding it's mind? In short, you'll feel like a barbarian. And giving in to horniness will start to seem like a loss of control.

But don't make the mistake of becoming knee jerk anti-sexual either.

That said, here's some food for thought: What do you know that Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, Mother Teresa, Gandhi and a host of spiritual teachers, philosophers and mathematicians don't?

The first three must have had especially good reasons for celibacy. But the short answer is that they found it better aligned with Truth, Love and Power. Celibacy was more compatible for the level of responsibility they wanted to take on; they needed to love all equally, or perish in endless desires.

But I have no understanding beyond that, I'm not at that level of awareness. But I'd love see the stages they went to get there.

Granted these are religious figures, it's hard to know what they actually practiced.

[Fullcrum]

Interesting.

I believe desires should be followed in that they do not harm other people or strengthen the negative, self-defeating, disempowering aspects of ego.

But if one can view purely carnal sex in a positive and enjoyable manner only, I do not see the problem. It's not discarding the mind so much as feeling good and enjoying a very natural and positive path.

Look at the heart of celibacy. Why do you think religious figures took this path? They may or may not have had a reason for rejecting their natural impulses.

[revmark]

Steve,

i dont disagree nor agree wholeheartedly. just a question... how will your kids view this? will they be confused or somehow misled?

Thanks.

[Jack Christopher]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

But if one can view purely carnal sex in a positive and enjoyable manner only, I do not see the problem. It's not discarding the mind so much as feeling good and enjoying a very natural and positive path.

Look at the heart of celibacy. Why do you think religious figures took this path? They may or may not have had a reason for rejecting their natural impulses.

This gets to the heart of where I seem to fundamentally disagree with Steve.

The idea that no way of loving is better or worse than any other. Or specifically that all relationship styles equally improve your alignment with Truth, Love and Power, I refuse.

I do agree that individuals can be at different stages of development in their ability to love. And they pursue a certain relationship style because that's their capacity to give love is at that point in their life.

But that a move from say, monogamy to polyamory, is just a move sideways. Or that individuals aren't supposed to be converging towards the same thing is wrong.

The problem here is the disagreement about the word "Love". Specifically, what does it mean to love more? How do you improve it in quality and quantity?

He separates "Love" and "Oneness", saying love is choosing to connect and oneness is recognizing the existing connection. I understand those definitions, but why?

[polyfulcrum]

Originally Posted by apsmith

Let's say your relationship of six years has one person who would prefer the relationship to be monogamous and one person who wants openness. You have talked about it honestly for years. You each have tried the other's relationship style with varying success. The underlying preference hasn't changed and continues to cause contention. In all other ways, you are compatible, happy, and committed to being together for the rest of your lives. Someone has to make a sacrifice. Each of you is willing to do so if it were required to stay together, but neither wants the other to feel forced into it. How can you move past this stalemate?

There are several couples in our local poly community that are mono/poly combinations. They have looked into the other partner's desired love style, decided that it isn't for them, but that they still want to be together. They work out a way for each of them to get what they need.

For example, the poly partner dates and loves others, explores and socializes outside their couple, as well as continuing to put energy into their mono relationship. The mono partner enjoys all of the recreational, spiritual and social opportunities they desire and remains emotionally focused on their single partner. If anyone has needs that aren't being met, they use their Big Boy/Girl words, and ask for what they desire.

Yes, the mono/poly pairing takes a bit of work to negotiate boundaries that are sustainable and comfortable for both partners. How much information does the poly person share about their outside connections? Do they meet the people their partner is dating? How much time is set aside to nurture the primary relationship?

In the book Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a chapter on Poly/Mono relationships. I'd recommend it to anyone considering this path.

[xyz]

In biology all these polyamory and related effects are known as male menopause and certainly self help gurus fall prey to it too. No big deal. :-)

Personally I WILL love this situation when I WILL not be the only one to look after the errands and dirty laundry. I will have many to blame and curse. :-) Or THE polyamors don't bother about grocery shopping, paying bills, breaking down of sink and laptops, homework of kids, who will sleep where (perhaps those will sleep together who are feeling higher level of connectivity at that hour), what should be there in dinner etc?
I WILL absolutely love it when my kids fighting will be taken care of by others and when they fall sick, I have nothing to worry about but attaining higher level of consciousness with someone else. There will be plenty of people to nurse my kids! Or only lesser mortals think about these problem? if we practice polyamory there small problems decide not to pay a visit! WOW! I am already on cloud nine level of consciousness.

[xyz]

I will definitely like to know what will happen if Obama, CIA, FBI, militery, airforce, pentagon and navy chiefs start practicing polyamory ? :-)

[footprints]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I was raised to believe the same. Later in life I discovered that such beliefs are total nonsense.

Believing that you must compromise becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes you give up before reaching your goal, settling for "close enough" instead of pressing onward to experience what you actually want.

Thanks for posting this. It was a light bulb moment for me when i read it this morning. I hadn't realised that I was still totally invested in this limiting belief that "We can't all just get whatever we want." and "Compromise is inevitable."

Identifying these underlying beliefs is not easy, but once you see them, they are so obvious! Thanks for revealing this one for me.

[footprints]

Originally Posted by xyz

I will definitely like to know what will happen if Obama, CIA, FBI, militery, airforce, pentagon and navy chiefs start practicing polyamory ? :-)

Perhaps they will feel happy and well and decide not to bomb stuff???

[xyz]

Perhaps they will feel happy and well and decide not to bomb stuff???

Right! Then we all would attain NIRVANA like 9/11 victims!!! :-) and be happy forever!

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by xyz

In biology all these polyamory and related effects are known as male menopause and certainly self help gurus fall prey to it too. No big deal.

In biology, there is no such thing as "male menopause". Plus, polyamorous people are all across the age spectrum, and are certainly NOT all male.

[HealingMaven]

Originally Posted by xyz

Right! Then we all would attain NIRVANA like 9/11 victims!!! :-) and be happy forever!

Wow. You must think that you're awfully funny.

Do you think that no poly folk were affected by 9/11?