Judge Not (Blog)

[Steve Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Judge Not

[jdbhouston]

I couldn't help but hear John Lennon singing backup to your post. Thanks for the gentle reminders Steve.
JD

[Nani]

What an excellent read!

This part of the article got me thinking:
"I began doing what I felt was best. Initially this led to an extended period of self-destructive behavior, but eventually I got through that and learned how to meet my needs without hurting others."

When you began to do what you felt was best, you made bad choices which landed you in jail for some time. If it can result in disastrous consequences like that, is it really good advice to say that you should do what you feel is best? For some people, their "best" can result in destructive behaviors that will lead them to a life of crime and you are an example of that. If they don't end up making a good decision at some point like you did, it can potentially destroy their lives. My point basically is that it doesn't always lead to a happy path. What does everyone think of that?

Adding to this, that we should judge no one also means that we shouldn't judge criminals. That's tough, especially when it comes to the ruthless ones. I'll try my best, though.

[dwixi]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Judge Not

Great post it revived the hippy spirit of love to me. "love is all you need"

[Inthon]

(applause)

Wow, definitely one of my favorites.

Keep it up!

[impaul99]

If people want to become close friends with me (as opposed to mere acquaintances), I require that they unconditionally accept me as I am. This means accepting that I’m a raw foodist; that I’m married to a popular psychic medium, one who also happens to be my best friend; that I love working on spiritual growth, but I’m allergic to organized religion; that I have a geeky/nerdy/Trekkie side; that I have a quirky, playful, and irreverent sense of humor; that I love to write, often for hours at a time; that I’m very open-minded and love to explore new growth experiences; that I have lots of energy and don’t tire easily; that I like to get an early start to each day; that I don’t have a job, nor would I ever want one; that I don’t subscribe to scarcity thinking; that I love helping people grow; that money is very low on my list of priorities; that I tend to be very focused when I’m pursuing a new goal or activity; and that I’m currently exploring polyamory and no longer intend to remain monogamous.

Ok Steve, I can accept all that unconditionally except the part where you wake up early each day. Maybe in the summer months, but right now I refuse to wake up before the sun does. The thought of waking up at 5 or 6am in the morning makes me want to throw up. For people who "have" to go to work, I can understand why they do it, but you're "self-employed" so why not sleep in?

I'm only teasing, but referring to your article, I too went through some tough patches during my childhood trying to "be good" and I totally know what you mean when you say "One of the key turning points in my life happened when I crashed and burned after becoming addicted to shoplifting. "

I hit a similar point in my late teens and "crashed" and then developed a really strong attitude of not caring about what other people think. It almost feels like that "version" of me that used to care committed suicide that day and a new version was born. I know a few friends who went through similar processes and were depressed all the time and then eventually attempted suicide, only to find that afterwords they had a totally different view on life.

Besides myself, I've seen that energy play out with quite a few people and 10 years later they are WAY stronger and more conscious people than those that kind of had an "easy" childhood.

Very cool post, I really liked it.

[RRR]

I’m especially turned on by people who follow non-mainstream paths that expose them to a lot of criticism. I’ve found that such people tend to be far more conscious than most, often because the harsh judgment they receive helps them grow stronger and more committed to doing what they believe is right. When you realize that it’s impossible to satisfy everyone, you stop worrying so much about the opinions of others, and you start tuning in and listening to yourself more and more. This can be a powerful catalyst for a very conscious life. Not always… but quite often.

Is the harsh judgment as helpful as the genuine acceptance and support? Isn't harsh judgment what causes the self-smothering conformity in the first place? I see new loving accepting connections as more empowering than the harsh judgment of the people who seek to smother you.

I'm very happy you are becoming polyamorous Steve, I hope this will bring an influx of awesome people into your life. I like to see it beyond the shagging and in a more holistic viewpoint, simply adding more supportive strongly bonded people in your direct circle of interaction. 2009 will be interesting.

[Eduardo César]

Yes! Say it aloud, brother!

[Niamh]

Aww *sparkly hug*

[Ragam]

I have come to appreciate the process I go through after reading some of Steve's posts... of first being annoyed, then rationalizing all the reasons I feel annoyed, then deciding I'm right and Steve is wrong, then deciding I won't come around anymore... and then having a sudden and unexpected turnaround and accepting the whole concept he's talking about. I used to wonder if it's some sort of brainwashing but I think it's just learning . For instance it took me about 10 days to go from a high state of annoyance and resistance to a total state of acceptance of the concept of polyamory which I never heard of before. And imagine, my second post in 6 months--must have been a good article to tear me away from "read only" mode, lol!

[ellie]

I just like that fact that I have learnt a new saying "kittywompus". He he

Nice post.

[st33med]

Nice job Steve. I rarely felt that I need to please certain people. Even when I got off of going vegan, I did it because I had to much stress from lack of choice of foods at the time. Family does that to ya :\.

[DerekH]

I almost broke into tears reading this Steve. Thanks buddy.

[Megan]

Steve said: So the question is this: Should we hide our differences from each other and reveal only our commonalties, or should we expose our differences openly?

Steve, you're putting yourself out as a teacher. You are in a position to affect many families for generations to come. That carries a lot of responsibility.

Do you think you are a victim because people are disagreeing with you, i.e., "exposing our differences openly"?

If you are not a victim, why do you need to "forgive" us?

You invited people to discuss this. Now they are discussing it.

You are embarking on a risky social experiment with your family, knowing, admitting, that it may end in divorce. Children of divorce have many difficulties.

You are doing this because you want to have sex with other women. Do you chose to risk putting your children through a lot of pain so you can have sex with other women? Is that a snapshot of your priorities?

You said it was a mistake to marry Erin. Does it follow, then, that your children are also a mistake?

You are putting a lot on the line to satisfy your sexual desires.

You don't have to believe me, but you don't get do-overs with your children's childhoods, however much you may someday wish you could.

[staceyterry]

Shields down... phasers deactivated!

Resistance is definitely not for smart people.

[-B-]

Originally Posted by Megan

Stuff.

Actually, that was pretty concise explanation of the opposite of everything Steve has every said or written about. Pretty neat, actually.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Megan

Steve, you're putting yourself out as a teacher. You are in a position to affect many families for generations to come. That carries a lot of responsibility.

Do you think you are a victim because people are disagreeing with you, i.e., "exposing our differences openly"?

If you are not a victim, why do you need to "forgive" us?

You invited people to discuss this. Now they are discussing it.

You are embarking on a risky social experiment with your family, knowing, admitting, that it may end in divorce. Children of divorce have many difficulties.

You are doing this because you want to have sex with other women. Do you chose to risk putting your children through a lot of pain so you can have sex with other women? Is that a snapshot of your priorities?

You said it was a mistake to marry Erin. Does it follow, then, that your children are also a mistake?

You are putting a lot on the line to satisfy your sexual desires.

You don't have to believe me, but you don't get do-overs with your children's childhoods, however much you may someday wish you could.

Barf. I simply don't buy into the frame you're using. It's littered with inaccurate and very judgmental assumptions. It's like talking to a tabloid where you have to answer questions like, "Which alien fathered your child?"

If you want to offer up some honest questions for discussion, that's fine. But please don't troll for an emotional reaction by posting this kind of stuff. This is bait, not authentic communication.

[ydnab40]

Revelation!! I'd always considered polyamory to be an excuse to have sex with other women while still being married. I'd never thought of it as simply being able to be close friends with members of the opposite sex. I've always found it easier to be my true self with women than with other men, with whom I always feel I have to be as "manly" as them. If this is true then I am naturally polyamorous and have been all my adult life.

Until I met my present wife I always felt I had to be "Normal". Claire (my 2nd and current wife) is the first person I have ever known who I have felt able to be my real self with. She won't hesitate to criticise me if she feels I am wrong about something, but she still gives me the space to be myself and I love her for that. she is the only person who has seen the writing that comes out of the darkest, deepest pits of my mind!! and I am the only person who knows the real Claire. Even our parents haven't seen the real us (although there is not much to write home about in our true selves).

I think it is human nature to be judgemental about other people's perceived eccentricities while being oblivious to our own. We should all just simply live and let live.

Thanks Steve for an inspiring web site. I'm not sure where all this is taking me, but I'm enjoying the ride!!

[tomsan]

I do not agree with everything Steve says. This is good. We are all different. That's what makes the world an interesting place. Non-judgement however is not about agreeing with something and accepting it. Non-judgement is about disagreeing with something and accepting it ... I agree with a lot that Steve says but I accept everything that he says.

[yossarian]

Powerful stuff! This is an instant classic. Kudos.

[yossarian]

"Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices."

- Ben Franklin

[esgreat]

I was going through some difficulty yesterday thinking about my life. I was hoping for some inspiration to manifest...and manifest it did. Now I'm really a believer

What you said was true: when we disconnect with our true selves and live with a social persona, we feel isolated and set ourselves up to be in solitude. I've can't remember how many nights I locked myself in the room. Now I really feel the energy to go out and say "who cares?"

BTW Steve, do you have any plans to travel around the world and spend time living like the natives for a few days in each country? I think it's one of the best means of self-exploration.

I'm from Asia but I travel to other countries for periods of time. I always get fascinated by totally different mindset and cultures. It's a total shift in thought.

For instance, we don't tip in our country, and you can imagine the 'problems' I encountered while being in the US! I guess I was thinking about how 'judgmental' the waitress was treating me then when I paid the exact bill

[Bene]

Steve,
The few paragraphs on loving yourself are absolutely what I needed to hear. It is a choice and I am going to choose it everyday from now on.

Thank You!

[Sunnybayes]

If people want to become close friends with me (as opposed to mere acquaintances), I require that they unconditionally accept me as I am. This means accepting that I’m a raw foodist; that I’m married to a popular psychic medium, one who also happens to be my best friend; that I love working on spiritual growth, but I’m allergic to organized religion; that I have a geeky/nerdy/Trekkie side; that I have a quirky, playful, and irreverent sense of humor; that I love to write, often for hours at a time; that I’m very open-minded and love to explore new growth experiences; that I have lots of energy and don’t tire easily; that I like to get an early start to each day; that I don’t have a job, nor would I ever want one; that I don’t subscribe to scarcity thinking; that I love helping people grow; that money is very low on my list of priorities; that I tend to be very focused when I’m pursuing a new goal or activity; and that I’m currently exploring polyamory and no longer intend to remain monogamous.

haha. yes I accept all of this, but I couldn't help myself from laughing while reading this, thinking of this as your public profile / personal classified advertisement to all the ladies out there, as if the whole internet were you own personal dating site... with ur nice smoothing tone of voice and all....

[-B-]

Originally Posted by ydnab40

I'd never thought of it as simply being able to be close friends with members of the opposite sex.

It's off-topic, and I don't want to drag it off-topic any further, but this nails it. If you have *more than one close friend* - you are polyamorous. Polyamory can include, but does not require sex. The end.

That said, you to be yourself, first, for that to work - if you're gaining close friendships by being someone you're not, then those friendships are based on lies, and are not, in fact, close.

A big part of that is - whose standards are you judging /yourself/ by? The standards of other people? Why?

Other people are other people. You are yourself.

Judge yourself by /your/ standards first and foremost - and within that, strive always to be better than you are; judgement of others is best left to their own self-judgement, unless you are asked by them to judge them. And even then, the absolute best you can offer is a judgement of them, based on your understanding of yourself.

[footprints]

Steve, this is one of my favourite articles that you have ever written. I loved every word of it. I am now going through the process in my life of revealing my authentic self to the world, which is not easy. As an adopted child, I jumped through even more hoops than most kids to try and win the acceptence and love of my adoptive parents and fit in. I'm only now, in my mid-thirties, finding the courage to open myself up a little and "expose my differences". A lot of this courage is thanks to people like you, and I can't thank you enough.

Now that you are polyamorous, I am considering a trip to Las Vegas

[milly]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Barf. I simply don't buy into the frame you're using. It's littered with inaccurate and very judgmental assumptions. It's like talking to a tabloid where you have to answer questions like, "Which alien fathered your child?"

If you want to offer up some honest questions for discussion, that's fine. But please don't troll for an emotional reaction by posting this kind of stuff. This is bait, not authentic communication.

ugh. i know steve doesn't like anyone to pollute his forum with "negativity" but i thought this was all about not judging others. here's a question, if steve judges someone who is judging him, does that cancel out all judgement or something? i guess i'm just a newb who gets confused easily. can someone tell me the rules again? i wouldn't want to get banned for dissent or anything.

but... since i disagree with this whole public polygamy thing... i guess there is no room here for me to discuss MY views.

you know, i don't even disagree with polygamy. i think if it works for a small group or threesome and they find someway to live in a culture or society that is accepting then by all means... but to put children and partner into a situation where they are publicly outed on facebook, twitter, etc.. is dangerous to their welfare. in a puritanical society that obviously has great reservation in the sexual and intimate relationship area, touting your rebuff of "norms" to the public will result in a lot more than criticism my friend. We're talking humiliation, being ostricized, and perhaps violent harm being done to your family.

perhaps it takes being raised by a loving and wonderful family to fully understand what it can potentially mean. not all people are so lucky. life isn't fair. people have to come up with their own map of life to live by. when it comes to the safety of the children (and even a loving partner who has stood by your side for years) ultimately, there's a responsibility there.

*disclaimer: the above poster also believes in child welfare laws... if that's ok here*

we do need activists to change such shallow social views, WE DO. i just don't think innocent children should be potentially put in harms way because of it.

who's with me.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Sunnybayes

haha. yes I accept all of this, but I couldn't help myself from laughing while reading this, thinking of this as your public profile / personal classified advertisement to all the ladies out there, as if the whole internet were you own personal dating site... with ur nice smoothing tone of voice and all....

Actually that was intended as more of a scarecrow.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by footprints

Now that you are polyamorous, I am considering a trip to Las Vegas

For some reason it seems like everyone is coming to Vegas this month. I've been hanging out with people here last week and this week. Erin and I are meeting people again tomorrow. I still have to arrange three more meet-ups with people arriving next week. And another friend informed me he's coming to Vegas next month. I should just get a hotel room and camp out on the Strip for a while.

[milly]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

For some reason it seems like everyone is coming to Vegas this month. I've been hanging out with people here last week and this week. Erin and I are meeting people again tomorrow. I still have to arrange three more meet-ups with people arriving next week. And another friend informed me he's coming to Vegas next month. I should just get a hotel room and camp out on the Strip for a while.

...dirty