Ask a polyamorous woman

[Pace]

I thought y'all might have some questions for someone who has lived a polyamorous lifestyle for the past decade. If so, feel free to ask away. I'm not shy. (:

[DerekH]

Do guys get scared at all if you tell them about your lifestyle?

Do you have both male and female partners sexually?

Do you have a primary relationship?

[Daffy Duck]

Was it your idea or his?

I'm guessing that the decision is usually the male's idea, but certainly this is not always the case.

[alan7388]

Was it your idea or his?

(Giggles). I'll let Pace clue you if she wants to.

I'm guessing that the decision is usually the male's idea,

You're talking about a couple, right? The stereotype is that the male in a couple often proposes the idea first, not really understanding what he's getting into, and that women are better at taking charge and making the whole thing work once reality takes over and the clueless man finds himself out of his depth.

Not that there's any truth to stereotypes of course.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by alan7388

Not that there's any truth to stereotypes of course.

In my experience, many stereotypes have an element of truth to them. Have you noticed this?

For example, "Asians are short." I believe this is actually true, statistically.

[Jumanji]

Are you a single mother?

[Pace]

Originally Posted by DerekH

Do guys get scared at all if you tell them about your lifestyle?

I date mainly women, but neither guys nor girls tend to get scared when I tell them I'm poly. When I've met people I'm potentially interested in dating, I meet usually either friends of friends (and since I hang out with a lot of poly and other alternative lifestyle folks, most of them are either poly or know about poly) or I meet them on a dating site where I can specify that I'm looking for poly people (for instance polymatchmaker.com) or I put it really clearly in my profile. I'm full of plenty of other surprises; I don't need to surprise people with polyamory too. (:

Originally Posted by DerekH

Do you have both male and female partners sexually?

Yup. I'm bisexual but mostly lesbian. (I'm actually bisexual when it comes to sex and lesbian when it comes to gender, but that's confusing and could lead us off topic.)

Originally Posted by DerekH

Do you have a primary relationship?

Yes, I'm married to Kyeli (not legally). We've been together for 4 years. For the first three of those years, we were two-thirds of a polyamorous triad. As a triad we were mostly exclusive (polyfidelitous) and didn't seek out new relationships outside the triad.

Thanks for asking!

[Pace]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Was it your idea or his?

I'm guessing that the decision is usually the male's idea, but certainly this is not always the case.

Yeah, this one's a little complicated. I'm now realizing that I might have opened too many cans of worms. (: But the short answer is that it was a realization I came to gradually about a decade ago, when I was in and out of a couple of different relationships. It was my idea, and I ended up leaving the relationship I was in to pursue polyamory.

Does that answer your question?

[Pace]

Originally Posted by Jumanji

Are you a single mother?

No, I'm a married mother. I'm married to Kyeli, and we have a son (originally Kyeli's) who just turned 11. I informally adopted him three and a half years ago (The first conversation we had was about black holes. He's adorable and amazing), and the three of us live together as a family. Our son also has a third mother, who was married to Kyeli for 13 years, and we have a visitation arrangement. All 4 of us lived together as a poly family for three years, and it ended a year ago. I realize it's a little complicated, so let me clarify with a timeline:

1994-2004: Kyeli and S. are married and have a child, Dru. There are some poly things that happen here that are beyond the scope of this post. (:
2004-2007: Pace meets Kyeli and S., they form a poly triad (all married to each other) and Pace informally adopts Dru.
2008: Kyeli and Pace each divorce S., but Pace and Kyeli stay together. Dru goes back and forth but primarily lives with Pace and Kyeli.

[Pace]

Originally Posted by alan7388

(Giggles)

*waves hi* The poly gang's all here, it seems! We've got you, me, Goddess of Java, who else? Is Minx here? Noël?

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by Pace

It was my idea[...]

Does that answer your question?

Of course. You said it was your idea.

I incorrectly assumed you were married during your decision to go polyamorous.

[Maja]

Hi everybody, this is my first post so please be gentle

I would like to know how do you deal with your primary partner falling in love - the situation when you recognize the symptoms - when they walk on air, have the spark in there eye, want to spend a lot of time with the new person... you know these sort of things!? How do you handle you ego? I can understand the wish for someone you love to be happy, but I don't know how I would handle this stage of a new relationship.

I have a special someone that got interested, for a very short time, in a 22 year younger girl. He is 49 and she is 27. I was very controlled at the time on the outside but devastated on the inside. It took me some time to get it all together. I knew I was a very special person for him and we never made it and exclusive relationship but still.. the thought that he would be the same love crazed guy for her as he was for me was so hard to even think about.

[Pace]

Maja,

That's a tough situation. I've been in that situation from both sides, and it can be very tricky. Poly people often call that state "NRE" for New Relationship Energy. It's that walking on air, spark in your eye feeling that you described. If you're in an established relationship and then your partner suddenly gets NRE for someone else, it can definitely bring up feelings of jealousy, envy, fear, and insecurity. Why is my partner acting this way with The Other Person but not with me? Is The Other Person better than me? Do they love The Other Person more than me?

In my experience, it's a very different situation depending on the strength, security, and open communication in the existing relationship. If there are potential troubles or insecurities, a new lover will definitely bring them up. If the existing relationship is not very solid or stable, the fear and insecurity might be valid. Your partner might indeed leave you for The Other Person, or they might indeed prefer The Other Person to you, not just right now, but in the future, too. It can be very frightening. I've been in that situation. I've been the one who was left, and the one who left. When my girlfriend started dating someone else and eventually left me for The Other Person, at first I felt bitter and angry. But after some time passed, now I'm happy that she's happy. I love her and I want her to be happy, and if she's more compatible with The Other Person than with me, then that's what's best for her and I want the best for her.

In other relationships, though, it's been completely different because we were in a committed partnership. If my partner and I are committed to each other and have a very strong and secure relationship, I don't have the fear, anxiety, and insecurity that I would otherwise have. Well, I still do, but only for a little while. We talk about it, my partner gives me reassurance, and it's all good. If I feel like my needs aren't being met, for instance my partner is now spending all their time with The Other Person, then we'll talk about it. I'll talk about my feelings, we'll each talk about our wants and needs, and we'll work it out.

So I guess my answer to your question is... it can be very tough, but if you're in a secure, stable relationship it can work out just fine with enough love, openness, and communication.

[PrimaryErn]

Wow, do I have questions. About the only thing stopping me from being poly is a lack of knowing any poly people looking!

1. As a guy, I'm very interested in the idea, but I have to admit I'm a little hung up being the sexual aspect of it. Specifically - does a triad relationship sort of imply a triad sexual dynamic? for example, the only poly person I know (a girl) seemed possibly interested in me, and I was interested in her, and while I wasn't put off by the idea of her male primary or even against the idea of being friends with the male primary, I'm simply not oriented to being sexually involved with him. I suppose communication is key, but in practicality? If he's Bi, isn't something sort of expected?

2. Along the same idea, is it really practical to deal with pivot type relationships where two people are more interested in the pivot person than each other? If it isn't a true, everybody-interested-in-everyone-triad, doesn't that lead to a lot of push-and-pull on the poor pivot?

3. You must get this a lot: so I start dating two ladies and we form a triad. Things turn serious. My straight family wants me to start bringing my girlfriend over for family events. What do you do, how do you explain it?

[Pace]

Originally Posted by PrimaryErn

Wow, do I have questions. About the only thing stopping me from being poly is a lack of knowing any poly people looking!

Thanks for asking! (: As for finding poly people who are looking, the best way I've found is to see if your city has local poly community, and if so, attend some of their meetups. Other than that, try OKCupid and polymatchmaker.com.

Originally Posted by PrimaryErn

1. As a guy, I'm very interested in the idea, but I have to admit I'm a little hung up being the sexual aspect of it. Specifically - does a triad relationship sort of imply a triad sexual dynamic? for example, the only poly person I know (a girl) seemed possibly interested in me, and I was interested in her, and while I wasn't put off by the idea of her male primary or even against the idea of being friends with the male primary, I'm simply not oriented to being sexually involved with him. I suppose communication is key, but in practicality? If he's Bi, isn't something sort of expected?

You hit the nail on the head when you said that communication is key. If something is expected, the best thing is for everyone involved to talk about it explicitly. In monogamous relationships, we get used to assuming lots of things because society teaches us lots of scripts we can get by with. Scripts about how many dates before sex, scripts saying it's not okay to cheat, scripts saying who opens the door for whom. Scripts all over the place! We assume other people are following the scripts too, and so we can get by with making assumptions. But in a poly relationship, you don't have those scripts. It's best to talk about everything explicitly, which can be difficult, but is FAR better than the alternative. If you're straight, then you're straight, regardless of what anyone else's expectations are. But it could spell disaster if that comes up AFTER everyone's involved with each other in various ways.

Originally Posted by PrimaryErn

2. Along the same idea, is it really practical to deal with pivot type relationships where two people are more interested in the pivot person than each other? If it isn't a true, everybody-interested-in-everyone-triad, doesn't that lead to a lot of push-and-pull on the poor pivot?

Yes, it's totally possible (and somewhat common) for a "V" situation to emerge, where the "pivot" is romantically and sexually involved with each of the "arms" but the two arms are just friends. (Aside: it's VERY important to be friends with the other arm of the V. Otherwise they'll fall out of your monkeysphere and the two of you will start assuming the worst of each other. It's very wacky and bad.) I was involved in a V situation (as one of the arms) for two years, and it worked out pretty well. I was a secondary and the two of them were each other's primaries. We worked out the push-and-pull issue with lots of communication and some logistics. She and I had a scheduled weekly date night, and at other times her primary had priority.

Originally Posted by PrimaryErn

3. You must get this a lot: so I start dating two ladies and we form a triad. Things turn serious. My straight family wants me to start bringing my girlfriend over for family events. What do you do, how do you explain it?

That's a personal judgment call. Personally, I'm very out about everything. I prefer openness as a personal policy, because then I no longer have to be afraid of things "getting out" or who's talking to whom, and I can be myself honestly. But there are, of course, downsides. I don't have much experience with how to handle that situation without being totally out and open, so instead of making something up, I'll just say I don't really know. It sounds like a challenging and unenviable position to me.

Again, thanks for asking. Hope this helps. (:

[alan7388]

see if your city has local poly community,

And ever-helpful Alan chips in the link to Tristan's state-by-state list.

[Dan.Linehan]

What if your partner wants to date someone you dislike?

[crescive]

I am a polyamorous woman too. I'm not in a polyamorous relationship because my significant other is not ok with that but I am definitely aligned with polyamorous beliefs. I have a thread here about my previous polyamorous experience if you're interested:here. Anyways, you seem fascinating and level-headed as I find most people who engage in such unconventional lifestyles are. Some questions I have are:

1. What are the ramifications if one partner wants to be poly and the other doesn't?

2. How do you deal with someone wanting you to be their one and only? It's tremendously sweet and I find that I get overpowered by their "love" I guess and it makes me feel very guilty at having the beliefs I do about love when it's incongruous with theirs.

3. I'm 22 years old, so quite young by most standards, do you think polyamory will still be feasible or desirable when you get older?

I have some other questions related to what I asked in my thread, so you can help me with that if you so please. Thanks!

[alan7388]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

What if your partner wants to date someone you dislike?

Different people have different arrangements. Some agree to give each other veto rights over new romantic interests, at least in the early stages. Many others find this a bad idea. Many find that a better idea is "consultation rights." This way if you see something genuinely problematic with your partner's potential new lover, you get a built-in chance to talk it over, express your concerns, and offer your best judgment.

If you really don't like your metamour (lover of your lover), you should be able to insist on your own personal boundaries: he/she doesn't come into your house, or take over certain nights of the week, or whatever it is.

[alan7388]

do you think polyamory will still be feasible or desirable when you get older?

Hell yeah! My local poly discussion/support group is full of the white-haired, and the who's-going-with-who gossip mill reminds me of high school. I'm 57. I find that poly attitudes do great things for keeping people young and lively at heart.

There's a PolyGeezers Yahoo group.

[Pace]

Originally Posted by crescive

1. What are the ramifications if one partner wants to be poly and the other doesn't?

That can be a very difficult situation. Depending on the people involved, it can work out in various ways. Sometimes you can reach a compromise; you can date other people under certain circumstances that your partner is okay with. Sometimes it ends the relationship if you can't find any common ground. Sometimes the mono person is okay with the poly person being poly as long as the primary relationship is good, secure, and stable. Sometimes the poly person is okay with being monogamous. (That's similar to the situation I'm in with Kyeli right now.)

Originally Posted by crescive

2. How do you deal with someone wanting you to be their one and only? It's tremendously sweet and I find that I get overpowered by their "love" I guess and it makes me feel very guilty at having the beliefs I do about love when it's incongruous with theirs.

Personally, I don't find it sweet at all. I find it a turn-off and a yellow flag that someone is expecting me to fulfill all their needs and be their everything. I prefer a partner who stands on their own two feet and opens their arms to me, rather than a partner who leans toward me so far that they would fall flat on their face if I took a step backward. But I guess it depends on what they really mean and how they really feel. I would deal with that situation by talking about our feelings VERY openly and making sure that we each truly knew how the other person feels. It's the sort of imbalance that would make me very nervous, but if we figured out exactly how we feel about each other and we do turn out to be compatible, then it could work. (:

Originally Posted by crescive

3. I'm 22 years old, so quite young by most standards, do you think polyamory will still be feasible or desirable when you get older?

I'm 31 and I've been poly since I was your age, so I'd say yes, definitely. There are poly people of all ages. (:

[Keith]

From the documentaries I've seen on polyamory it's always appeared to me that the strongest, most empowering poly relationships were those where all partners were romantically involved with all other partners.

Do you find this to be the case?

Also, do you think there's a size limit for effective polyamory? From the docos, it appeared that the one (usually) man, half a dozen wives model wasn't very empowering for the wives. But it was a pretty small sample size, and the guy seemed to be kind of a jerk.

Thanks.

[Pace]

Originally Posted by Keith

From the documentaries I've seen on polyamory it's always appeared to me that the strongest, most empowering poly relationships were those where all partners were romantically involved with all other partners.

Do you find this to be the case?

From people I know, I've seen Vs and non-fully-connected quads be just as successful and empowering as full triads and fully-connected quads. It's about equal, I'd say.

From personal experience, the best relationship I've been in was a triad, but it also had some of the worst elements of any relationship I've been in, too. If you're interested, you can watch a short documentary about us here.

Originally Posted by Keith

Also, do you think there's a size limit for effective polyamory? From the docos, it appeared that the one (usually) man, half a dozen wives model wasn't very empowering for the wives. But it was a pretty small sample size, and the guy seemed to be kind of a jerk.

Thanks.

I've never personally seen anything more than a quad work, where the connections are serious intimate connections. I don't think it's impossible, though; maybe my experience is just limited. (: If you include LDRs, friends with benefits, and less-serious relationships, I'm sure the number could be much higher.