Couple of Practical Questions about Polyamory (Explicit)

[Jake Birkett]

So I've been following the whole Polyamory thing and, being the practical type, a few questions related to the sex side of things cropped up in my head. I thought I'd ask them here in case any forum members who "practice" Polyamory can offer their viewpoints. Thanks in advance. The questions are sexual in nature so please don't read if you are offended by such stuff...

1) Do Polyamorists generally practice "safe sex"? I'm imagining say a scenario where a Polyamorist catches some kind of VD and then "brings it home" to their primary. I guess this depends a lot on if the Polyamorist is into many partners or find just a couple of key ones (who they know are "clean" for want of a better term, although of course you don't know about *their* partners...)

2) So, forget VDs for now, and let's say a Polymorist is having a "natural" sexual relationship with someone i.e. without using a condom. If they come home and get into bed with their primary, then how does their primary feel about being physically close to them or having sex with them? Would they have sex with them straight away or would they prefer to wait a day or two?

To be more specific, let's say a Polymorist woman has sex with a man and comes home - how will her primary male feel about putting his penis into a vagina that has recently had another man's penis and sperm in it (sure the vagina may well be washed, but some residue could well remain including possibly some form of sexual scent). Perhaps if you are a porno star this is nothing new... ;-)

Similarly a Polymorist man may come home, wash, and still smell of another woman. How would his primary female feel about that?

The same thing of course would apply to bisexual and homosexual polymorists. Or would it? If you are a man and your female partner came home smelling of another female's sexual juices for example, would you actually like that?

Perhaps some people are not bothered by this, and are not even concerned about their partners washing(!), but I imagine that most people would be...I could be wrong though and I'm interested to hear the viewpoints of others on this and any other related practical issues.

I guess seeing as I've brought up this "sticky" topic I should appeal to anyone replying to keep their posts civil so that this thread doesn't get locked or deleted. Thanks! :-)

[DivaLion]

Jake,

(This is speaking from many years of being actively involved in poly communities and relationships.)

On the whole, the poly community is scrupulous about safer sex and about educating on safer sex. (Most sex educators will call it "safer sex" because sex is never 100% safe no matter what.)

Everyone's agreements vary, but many poly networks not only get regular STD tests but share the results openly with each other. Some will have written (not legally binding, obviously) agreements about the safer sex precautions they will take with each other or with new partners.

Those who want to go bareback with each other (to be a little crude) will make an agreement called "fluid bonding". It basically means everyone within the fluid bond has been tested and can use less latex with each other only, and privileges last only as long as your tests keep coming up clean. This usually happens only in serious, long-term relationships, particularly where the partners are polyfidelitous (multiple relationships, but with a finite and committed number of people and no other outside partners).

As for your other question, that really varies a lot. Some couples/moresomes are really turned on by the idea, sight, or scent of their partner(s) with someone(s) else. Some (NOT ALL) actually enjoy three-way, quad, etc sexual encounters with their partners. Others have different comfort levels-- they might *not* want to have sex with their partner the same day one of them has been with someone else. They might agree that the bed they share with their primary partner is for their use only, not to be shared with other partners. Most poly people are pretty considerate about showering well after a date...it's just good manners. ;-)

Plus we all lead pretty busy lives just like everyone else. =) The likelihood of coming home from one date and having the time and energy to hop right in the sack with another partner is-- not nonexistent, but infrequent.

[Jake Birkett]

Thanks DivaLion for your comprehensive and interesting reply. I guess I could have googled it but I thought it was better to hear the info from someone with experience. So the answer to my second question is really "it depends on the person" which is I guess pretty much what I suspected :-)

[JC Shakespeare]

Here's the Riskay way to tell . . .

[Jake Birkett]

lol, youtube says "This video is not available in your country.". Why not? How crazy is that?

[Rose of Cairo]

Jake, my polyamory experience isn't that huge and I wasn't part of any "poly community", but I think not all polyamorous people have a "primary" partner. Some may have of course, but in my personal opinion the mere concept of a "primary" partner is something very monogamously biased. Polyamory isn't like an open relationship, where you have one "true" partner and then sex on the side. It's real relationships. Just several of them. For me personally, these relationships were equal, there was no "primary" anything.

Just my two cents.

[Radactrice]

I wonder if, in a case like Steve and Erin, how someone like Erin who used to be the primary but now is just one of many ends up feeling? If everyone starts out as equals, that might be one thing, but having the primary become one of many could feel like a "demotion."

[Jake Birkett]

OK thanks Rose of Cairo, I guess I was going on the stuff I'd read here about people having a primary partner, but of course I see now that it doesn't have to be that way at all.

[DivaLion]

Actually, *many* poly people define their relationships in terms of "primary" "secondary" etc.

It partly depends how you structure your life. Some poly couples are not interested in group marriage, co-housing, etc. For them (and their partners), they prefer to have a house, family, etc with one person with whom they share the day-to-day responsibilities of life, and one or more partners with whom they may be very seriously involved (even have a lifetime commitment) but with whom they will never have the same live-in commitment they do to their primary partners.

Other poly folk dislike hierarchical terms and don't use the term "primary". I'm most interested in group marriages and intentional community, so I don't use those terms. However, I do feel that existing committed relationships get a certain amount of priority, at least at first. For example, if I start dating someone, I give my existing serious relationship more weight because we have a lot of time and work and commitment invested in it. But if that dating relationship continues and becomes more serious, over time it becomes more equal with the first relationship. We evolve into a family where we're all mutually concerned for each others' well-being, not a compartmentalized set of relationships independent of each other. Kind of like the way that an 18 year old dating a 30 year old raises eyebrows, but a 30 year old dating a 42 year old doesn't seem like as big a deal-- a 3-month relationship is very different than a 5-year relationship, but there's much less difference between a 5-year relationship and a 10-year relationship.

And sometimes they blend. I've been a "secondary" partner to people I've dated; but I knew it going in, and the relationship was fulfilling to me on its own terms, so I was ok with it even though it's not my usual approach to things.

I would venture to say I know more poly people who define a partner as primary, than my flavor of happy hippie commune types. =)

[Jake Birkett]

OK thanks for the extra info. I certainly know lots more about this topic than I did a week or so ago! lol. I've explored polyamory thoughts myself in the past and wasn't sure if I was just thinking something wacky myself that would never work or if other people actually did it - it's kinda reassuring to know that many people think about it (although perhaps not always from a spiritual point of view ;-)) and some actually successful do it!

Love your sig comment btw haha.