Polyamory (Blog)

[icantbelievethis]

wow 8 yrs. do i still have the position to judge? haha.

anyway, honestly, once polyamory is accepted. the whole concept of marraige and getting married in the first place is distorted isn't it? and doesn't it make you feel dumb sometimes? like how steve thinks that getting married was one of his worse decision ever? to me.. it really sounds ridiculous. remember on the altar, you promised your spouse that he/she is the one you will ever love. that's beautiful! to be able to give that love and receive that love jus between the 2 of you. he/she may show concern to others time and time again, that's fine but at the end of the day, you know he/she still reserves those most special moments with you.

however, when you get intimate with other people, and from what i understand, going to the extent of sex, while your mind tells you that ok you can handle it... that its for a 'noble cause' to 'make my marriage better' etc... but does your body know how to react? do you 'conserve' so that you still give your best to your spouse? then why be so 'generous' in the first place and let others get a glimpse of what your spouse can get? isn't he/she the rightful owner of that intimacy that you potentially gives?

true, from your own experience, you can definitely say that you can communicate better with your spouse now. i can't doubt that. but at what price? search your heart, and i'm sure you can find what you've sacrificed. i don't know how to put it in words.. maybe say 'the feeling of having no one else but just the 2 of you'? or 'the feeling of not having to think of how to be fair to all your partners in order of importance'? <-- the thot of this alone seems tiring enough.

why make 'love' so complicated. seriously. is loving your spouse that difficult?

[polyfulcrum]

Must say, icantbelievethis, YOU have surprised me. I didn't think you were interested in an actual conversation on this, but you gave an honest and thoughtful response back. Thank you!

Being in a long-term relationship, as I have been for the past 15 years, things change. This sounds really common sense, until you talk to a bunch of people that are complaining how the person they married has changed in the past 5/10/20 years. "They're just not the person I married." Without growth, a relationship stagnates. Poly is certainly not the only way to find growth within a relationship, but it is an option that can be a healthy one for some.

You asked if there are things that are sacrificed to being polyamorous, like the sense of exclusivity. Yes, I'd have to say so. However, that sense of exclusivity that so many hang their hat on is something that we've found to be a lot closer to ownership. Instead, that has been replaced by the joy of knowing that our partner(s) choose to be with us, not only because of a committment on paper or ceremony, but because, although they have other options available, they WANT to be there. We've found that to be more fulfilling than the ownership model.

It's much like when one chooses to become a parent. You will be sacrificing aspects of your married relationship to be parents together. In the furtherance of a higher purpose, like raising a child, people decide to forego some freedoms to create something bigger than what they could do as a unit of two.

"why make 'love' so complicated. seriously. is loving your spouse that difficult?"

Nope, quite the inverse. Loving each other is just about the highest priority there is, and maintaining consistent focus and putting energy into that is absolutely necessary in poly. There isn't a way to coast along without things falling apart, without active communication, without paying attention to the growth of self and one's parter(s). It might be more complex, but it is also a vital and active way to be in relationship with someone.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Boy this thread has really picked up steam. Are there really people out there who think that polyamory is wrong? Wrong is a subjective thing. Some people think abortion is wrong and others think it's fine, as long as it's not used irresponsively. The same is for polyamory. As long as Steve, or anyone else for that matter, is being safe and responsible in their polyamory, what's the big deal? It doesn't affect you. If you don't want to be polyamorous, you don't have to. If you think it's wrong, don't do it. It's that simple. Don't scorn others for doing something that brings them joy and doesn't hurt anyone. It's like the Bible-beaters scorning gays because the Bible says it's wrong.

I'm in no position to judge those who think polyamory is wrong, but just think of nature and animals. Don't they engage in polyamorous relationships? Haven't they been around much longer than humans (who are animals by the way)? So if every other known species engages in polyamory, what is so wrong with the one remaining species doing it?

[icantbelievethis]

hi polyfulcrum:
i thank you for your replies too. if you need to know, it was your calm initial reply that surprised me too and made me want to reply. this is great.
anyway, as you have recognized, polyamory is not the only 'solution'. phew. BUT it is also true that many people are turning to it, exploring it, and even some 17yo (from another thread) who is not even married thinks this is the way. to me, this is scary.

anyway, given that all your arguments are well supported, and since i don't disagree, there's no point bringing up those points again. that doesn't mean i'm agreeing with what you are doing, i jus think that we need to look at it from another perspective.

i come from a country, a culture where preserving your virginity for your spouse is highly celebrated. to some culture this sound ridiculous, but to us here, we appreciate each other for that. with regards to our topic, let's call these things where you want to share with your poly partners "Ultimate Intimacy". now, if i use an analogy of a 'gift', you might think that sharing the 'joy' is good! but what if this 'gift' is sacred? has a special purpose? and special effect for the intended receiver? what if this gift is made BY the giver FOR the receiver ALONE? to me, "Ultimate Intimacy" is such a type of gift. it cannot be shared. it's not meant to be shared. when my spouse receives it and when i receive it from my spouse, we own it! we TREASURE it.

life on this earth may sometimes seem long and foolish. after a while, we ask ourselves, why the heck are we running around all day? so what if i get this? so what if i achieve that? so what if i obtain the best character and health? we will die somehow someday isn't it? but NO. we don't just kill ourselves because we are given GIFTS such as this to treasure. i live to treasure it. if this gift at this point of time.. say when i'm 45yrs old, is not giving me enough joy, i polish it because in it lies the power to provide joy. noting else can compare.

do you get what i mean? i sound like i'm nagging. but it just shows how much i care about this. thx for reading.

Andrew Brunelle:
I agree, that since what others do don't hurt us, there's no need to bother. but, my question is, why are we all here in this forum, if it really doesn't matter? I'm sure you are not here because you are trying to defend the couple. But as a basic unit of the human race, you will probably feel a sense of responsibility for one another? maybe not responsibility, but just a desire for mutual understanding?
btw, yes i am one of thoe that think polyamory is wrong. why? it does not connect with my entire HUMAN and not ANIMAL being. its siimply repulsive to me. that's not my 'deal' as being a human. you can say i'm in denial, but this is how i see as honouring my body, my soul and my spirit

[polyfulcrum]

I just added a quick note on this on another thread, but it bears repeating: _Conscious_ monogamy, where the participants in that model are aware that there are other options that can be seen as ethical (in fact many people prefer "ethical non-monogamy" over the term polyamorous) besides monogamy, isn't something I've heard many poly people argue against. It's the unconscious version that is presented as the only true way that brushes my fur the wrong way.

Polyamory REALLY isn't for everyone. There are many people that do better in a monogamous relationship model, and I applaud all that choose it as the best option for them.

On the note of exclusivity and gifting that it sounds like icantbelievethis is approaching from a cultural perspective: Actually, I was raised in a very conservative Christian household where monogamy and virginity were highly praised. There still came a point where I had to decide for myself if that was something that was a personal or familial value. Obviously, I decided it wasn't my personal value, but I respect those that find value in those beliefs, even if they don't work for me.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by polyfulcrum

Actually, I was raised in a very conservative Christian household where monogamy and virginity were highly praised. There still came a point where I had to decide for myself if that was something that was a personal or familial value.

I realize now that I actually am coming at monogamy from virtually the opposite point of view... parents were very "hippie", dated lots of people while I was a teenager, had an open marriage at one point.

[magic1]

my entrenched belief system (that someone else fed me!!!! ) and my ego want to repel the idea...but the spiritual part of my being, sees it as freeing, healthy, and in many ways a very natural component of our core......