Polyamorous Relationship Q&A (Blog)

[Steve Pavlina]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Polyamorous Relationship Q&A

[Monique7nuns]

From what I perceive so far, the decision to explore and share your experience with polyamory can (in part) be credited to your relationship w/Erin (your ground so to speak to love). Do you think you'd be able to explore this if you were single? Is it typical or more "kosher" for/when people practicing ployamorous relationships have a grounding intimate relationship w/one person? Do you think it's more of a conscious and spiritual evolvotion than a lifestyle choice?

Perhaps you will be able to expand on these topics later in the year.. just curious. I can go look it up too..

[studentmaster]

Is there some fear? Yes, there is some fear. My ego is having a field day with this one. “What if he finds someone he likes more than you?” “What if he stops spending time with you and the kids?” “What if someone comes along who takes him away from you forever?” Knowing it’s my ego talking to me, I can say back to it, “I know you’re trying to protect me from a future pain that you think is coming. I love and appreciate your desire to protect me, but there is no need. I will not dwell in fear.”

yo erin, that was amazing. It made me a little emotional reading this because your inner strength shines so bright.

[Fullcrum]

This'll be fun and enlightening to follow .

This area got me into personal development. So I'm curious to see what you come up with in the coming months.

[ferli]

Steve, you just blew me up ... you did.

[HealingMaven]

Hot Damn is Erin a brave woman! Not only has she a) agreed to try poly, b) agreed to do so publicly and thus exposed herself to all kinds of ridicule, but c) has also just outed herself publicly as being potentially ... heteroflexible? bicurious? omniamorous? Whichever - not trying to to give her a label. But I'm impressed as hell with her combination of bravery and eloquent, impassioned defense of love.

Awesome. I hope I meet someone like her someday. I hope you know how lucky you are Steve.

(And for all the people making gender assumptions on who's supporting this and who isn't -- I'm a WOMAN. Not all poly folk are horndog men out for whatever they can get. Jeez. Some of us love the idea of large *intentional* family.)

[radeldudel]

I'm not sure what to think about this. Since I neither live in the USA nor was raised with any prejudice about other kinds of relationsships, I can imagine (and have seen) a lot of strange relations work.

On the other hand, my intuition kicks in with "Either Steve or Erin at some level is holding back something from the other, otherwise this attraction would not be there. They should get a relationship-session at Spezzanos".

Well, I can't know, but sure as taxes this will be quite an adventure!

So: good luck! May you find what you are missing, wether it is in yourself, in Erin or somewhere else.

[Hyperchiller]

Originally Posted by Erin's HS

Love is boundless and expansive. It should not be contained. It is not meant for love to live in compartments, but to be shared openly and honestly with all. The more that love is shared, the greater the unity among you. Marriage is a man-made construct, like religion or language. Anything that constricts love is not in alignment with oneness. You can never be diminished when love is shared. Indeed you are diminished when love is controlled or when you try to own another’s heart.

You came here to teach people how to love. Not just how to love one person, but to love all, including themselves. You have an opportunity to show people that love knows no bounds, to show people that love shared is love multiplied. You are love, and you are loved. Channel this message to others.

That's so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that message.

[skinnyninja]

Wow....can't stop thinking about this post.

It's just.....too much. And here I thought I was open-minded!

The whole idea made me think of Ayn Rand and what I once read about her attempt to have an "open" affair.

She was really, really smart too.

[tomn8er]

I have to say that your last post thoroughly surprised me, Steve! I only mean that I was not expecting you to go in this direction. But once I realized what you were talking about I was instantly excited to read more! In fact, I don't think I've ever felt this level of excitement in reading any of your articles - this sort of emotional state is one I usually only experience when I'm listening to music. So thanks for that.

It's exciting to me because I've also considered the idea of marriage to be a silly thing. If two people truly love each then why should they feel the need to take up all those formal vows? This always seemed very insecure in my mind. I also feel that conventional marriage is very outdated, just like the religious values it was borne out of.

I'm really looking forward to reading about your experiences on this path. (This is far more exciting to me than reading about something as mundane as diet. )

[Hayer]

Steve, I’ve been reading your site a while and feel that you’re a very intelligent man and your ideas have been very helpful to me and obviously to others.

But with this, I’m just stunned. Are you sure, I mean absolutely certain that you’re not just needing some good, hot sex? Your description of the massage lovemaking sessions do sound a bit lukewarm. There are remedies for this (i.e. black leather, tie ‘em up, role playing.)

As a woman, I don’t know. I’d find it very, very hard to take. Especially the part about wanting to connect emotionally with someone else you’re having sex with.

[Khristine]

I am thrilled and very interested on how this information will be presented.

[Gwydion]

This is a potentially wonderful step you're both taking. I'm poly, and it can be amazing

It can also be difficult at times, but all kinds of relationships are. This is a great development, and I hope it works out for you and Erin :3

[blkdykegoddess]

I've been reading your blog for years and find it very deeply valuable. Thanks so such for sharing yourself so completely and being interested in inspiring others to align with their own truth.

I applaud your choice to explore polyamory. As I'm sure you are aware there are loads or resources for folks interested in creating non traditional relationships and for those who are in them. I trust that you will do a great job of hooking up with those as you need them. In the meantime I want to recommend two particularly excellent books that I think you will find very valuable. They are Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino and The Ethical Slut: A Roadmap for Relationship Pioneers by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. Both books are available offline and via Amazon.

Having been in non-monogamous relationships, the advice I'd offer (though it seems you've got it nailed down) is that communication is absolutely key to having it work. Communication at a whole new level that keeps expanding.

Best of luck and I look forward to hearing how it's all going.

[Jake Birkett]

Wow great post from Erin, amazing in fact! Love the bit about how you have taught each other courage and love, and the message from your higher self. Thanks. Well anyway good luck to you both.

Frankly, the most concerning thing I've read is that Steve is playing Halo3 with his son because it's really for older kids! Although I admit that it's not very scary or gory like other games in the same category. I only play games suitable for my boys' ages so that I don't encourage them to be any more crazyass ;-) Perhaps this is fear-based though...

[debbiedoesraw]

sorry I am being harsh here, but how in the world can you think your kids will think it is "interesting" that their dad is bonking some other woman??? I am starting to think you are being entirely selfish here.. which will probably lead to your divorce and the loss of your kids in your daily life. Sorry, this is my opinion. No Child wants their parents to love other people sexually. I firmly believe this and no child will "not care" if you are sleeping around. You have to be kidding.. I am starting to think this whole post is a joke, an early april fools.

Sad to say I am quickly losing respect for you as a parent..

[HealingMaven]

Originally Posted by debbiedoesraw

No Child wants their parents to love other people sexually.

No child wants to know about their own parents sexuality in regard to each other either. To quote a kids I know -- from a monogamous family, "oh eew they're kissing!"

Seriously, if the most monogamous parents in the world are making out and/or having sex in front of their kids, that's the root of some serious future therapy.

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Jake Birkett

Wow great post from Erin, amazing in fact! Love the bit about how you have taught each other courage and love, and the message from your higher self. Thanks. Well anyway good luck to you both.

Frankly, the most concerning thing I've read is that Steve is playing Halo3 with his son because it's really for older kids! Although I admit that it's not very scary or gory like other games in the same category. I only play games suitable for my boys' ages so that I don't encourage them to be any more crazyass ;-) Perhaps this is fear-based though...

Kyle is kick-ass at Halo 3. The little guy really knows how to frag.

This evening I played The Simpsons with him instead. He isn't quite as good at that game since it involves solving more puzzles, but he still does pretty well with it.

[eruso]

Erin's response made me tear up a bit...

[Fragrance]

If Steve's primary love strategy wasn't physical affection, there would be no polyamory, right?

Erin's intimate relationships with other people are not physically intimate, but she is such an amazingly compassionate soul that her relationships are bound to be very deep and truly loving....without any polyamory whatsoever.

So it seems like intimacy is a path everyone chooses according to their heart's desire.

But I wonder why did Steve's heart have to desire a path like polyamory? Couldn't it be more of soul-based love like Erin's?

I guess on this earthly life, when you are in a human male body, it works this way for Steve.

[jendoe]

Hi Steve!

No judgements here, but... a real question.

Someone in the other thread brought this up. Your posts seem to imply that you can only have deep, meaningful connections with women.

The logic goes something like this:
- I want to experience more love, more deep connection.
- I have too much love for one person, I can not fully express all of the love I feel capable of without overwhelming my partner.
- When I connect emotionally, the physical connection - via sex - is the natural outcome
- I can't imagine having a deep emotional connection without the physical, which is why I'm interesting in experimenting with other relationships...)

That's what I read (paraphrased, of course!).

If the natural result, for you, of close connection is sex... where does that leave you with relationships with other men? Do you believe it's possible to have deep, meaningful, emotionally connected relationships with other men?

And, I'm curious if others see a similar dynamic in their own lives? My rational side believes we should be able to have these deep connections with anyone, no sex necessary - but honestly, I think for the most part my most meaningful relationships have been with males (and I'm female).

[Trezker]

Originally Posted by eruso

Erin's response made me tear up a bit...

Me too, or was it just my regular eye problems... Either way, my eyes were wet while reading.

Thank you, Steve and Erin, for sharing your thoughts about this issue. I hope we all get to see your relationship(s) reach new levels.

[missing]

Originally Posted by HealingMaven

No child wants to know about their own parents sexuality in regard to each other either. To quote a kids I know -- from a monogamous family, "oh eew they're kissing!"

Seriously, if the most monogamous parents in the world are making out and/or having sex in front of their kids, that's the root of some serious future therapy.

srsly? Wouldn't it be the opposite? In that parents that can't openly show affection for one another in front of kids, train their kids to think affection is awkward? Why should showing love for one another be "eewwww"?!?! IMO it's the kids reaction that's "eeeew". Maybe it's up to the parents to somehow teach them otherwise (good luck).

sex is one thing, but "making out" should not be embarrassing. Only our damaged, repressive culture dictates that norm.

[PerDev]

I already have hell lot of problem in my family (parents and brother) evenif I am not married or engage with any girl..

How come Steve has this much guts to consciously going for this kind of decisions .. Steve what is your secret ?

[Jake Birkett]

off-topic: Steve, a game I highly recommend for Kyle - Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts. You get to build amazing machines; cars, boats, submarines etc. and then test them out in the game world. My boys absolutely love it and are amazingly creative with it. I think it's a great game for kids, well worth checking out. There's a demo on XBLA.

[Fragrance]

Quote from Steve's Blog:

Is it possible that this will lead to a break-up of our marriage? That’s a risk that can’t be denied.

Marriages end because the couple or either them are not aligned with truth, love and/or power.

But why would an extremely conscious and very-much-in-love couple who are perfectly aligned with truth, love and power choose a path like divorce that will only lessen their ability to contribute and experience love and joy together?

Like Steve, I too feel this experience will bring Erin and him closer.

In the first place, is polyamory really worth pursuing? No alternative for Steve for expressing love and connecting with people? Unfortunately, this is Steve and we all know his determination.

[daj]

He seems to be ignoring the question.

Why is his openness for love only for women?
Is Steve also opened to exploring something with a man?
(or is that too hard for him to fathom yet?)

Sexual orientation is such a limitation. How can you explore unconditional love with everyone, when it's only conditional for other men? because you think you're straight?

If you want to be honest & opened and in oneness, you have to include men too. I'm not saying he should have sex with men, but bonding with men in a spiritual manner would be definitely a good thing. Bromance!

Being a gay man, it's not all about sex, despite what the media likes to portray. I have even known some gay couples who have never had sex with each other, but their bond can't be denied.


Also what about age?
Why should we put limitations on age? Love is oneness, and for all. I've seen 60yo men date 25yo women, but they're constantly judged by others. Makes you think about how much programming we have been fed since birth. Let people live, and be happy!

One of my gay friends when he was 18 had sexual relations with a 15yo for a few months, until the younger boy's parents found out, and now he has a record. Quite ridiculous I'd say considering their age isn't too far off, and he had the younger boy's consent, but it didn't matter.

We limit ourselves to much all for the illusion of protection/security/safety.

Originally Posted by jendoe

Hi Steve!

No judgements here, but... a real question.

Someone in the other thread brought this up. Your posts seem to imply that you can only have deep, meaningful connections with women.

The logic goes something like this:
- I want to experience more love, more deep connection.
- I have too much love for one person, I can not fully express all of the love I feel capable of without overwhelming my partner.
- When I connect emotionally, the physical connection - via sex - is the natural outcome
- I can't imagine having a deep emotional connection without the physical, which is why I'm interesting in experimenting with other relationships...)

That's what I read (paraphrased, of course!).

If the natural result, for you, of close connection is sex... where does that leave you with relationships with other men? Do you believe it's possible to have deep, meaningful, emotionally connected relationships with other men?

And, I'm curious if others see a similar dynamic in their own lives? My rational side believes we should be able to have these deep connections with anyone, no sex necessary - but honestly, I think for the most part my most meaningful relationships have been with males (and I'm female).

[Brendon Colby]

Originally Posted by Hayer

As a woman, I don’t know. I’d find it very, very hard to take. Especially the part about wanting to connect emotionally with someone else you’re having sex with.

I find this interesting given that I know I've read where men are typically more upset when a woman engages in physical intimacy with another man, and women are typically more upset when a man has an emotional connection with another woman. I think this was explained from an evolutionary perspective, where "back in the day" a woman had to make sure the man's emotional bond remained intact so he would provide for her and their children, and perhaps where the man could ensure that his kids were actually his kids. I'm not saying that this is the case here, just that your post reminded me of this.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by debbiedoesraw

sorry I am being harsh here, but how in the world can you think your kids will think it is "interesting" that their dad is bonking some other woman??? I am starting to think you are being entirely selfish here.. which will probably lead to your divorce and the loss of your kids in your daily life. Sorry, this is my opinion. No Child wants their parents to love other people sexually. I firmly believe this and no child will "not care" if you are sleeping around. You have to be kidding.. I am starting to think this whole post is a joke, an early april fools.

Sad to say I am quickly losing respect for you as a parent..

Many kids love having more people around to love and care for them. Closed-mindedness is taught. There are some kids who, temperamentally, will be upset and some who, temperamentally, won't mind at all. That's true for any situation. I believe Steve & Erin, while it appears they are a little more typically coercive and authoritarian in their parenting, will handle this with compassion, respect and honesty. AND if one of their kids is seriously freaked out by it, they'll work through that, together, as a family.

[Arboretor]

Funny, when I read the chapter about relationships in your book I had sort of a premonition of something like that...

I don’t suppose hell serves raw food,...

Oh, man, what do you know! You will be forced to eat raw meat!