Calibration (Blog)

[andreelerowes]

Okay. I thought of something more constructive and less snarky to contribute (although I am pretty proud of my pun-ditry...):

The problem with pick-up lines is that the message is not "I'm interested in you, as a person," but "I want to get into your pants." And that's fine if that's what both parties are looking for — just to get it on, no strings attached; it does happen. But much of the time, people want to feel like more than a sex toy. So even if you're both in the same place — wanting more than wanton sex — a pick up line simply sends the wrong message. If you are looking to find potential relationships, then it makes more sense to start on the friend level. Approach people as you would if you were making friends. This is less threatening. It gives everyone more options, to either go deeper or back off, as people see fit. It gives everyone a little more time, too, to actually get to know some things, to let interest turn into like turn into love. But certainly in the early stages of getting-to-know-you, if one person backs off, though, the other does, too; otherwise, we're getting into creepy behavior.

I've always considered myself outgoing and gregarious. I like people. But I've never actually been "popular" or part of the it-crowd, because I am fairly quirky and independent. But because I accept my basic self and consider that self to be quite friendly, I feel that if you don't like me, then I don't need to deal with you. It's worked out pretty well for me. Yet, because I'm friendly, I also want to be liked. So I, too, still have those newbie moments in new situations: the oh-no-how-am-I-going-to-be-perceived-will-people-like-me-aaaack! feelings. This is where it's good to have some "trick" — as in "something that does the trick," not as in deception — that you feel comfortable with and you can rely on. So, yes, it's a pick-up line of sorts, but one that's a little more general and less pointed. I belong to the everybody-likes-to-talk-about-themselves school of thought. You might think, "But I'm really shy! I don't like to talk about myself. That's bragging.... Booo!" True, but the other side of this coin is that everybody likes to feel interesting. So when you ask someone about themselves — what they do, what they think of the situation you're both in (not the weather, unless it's extraordinary), where they got that sweet hat — they get to talk about themselves because you've made them feel interesting in a non-threatening way. As an added bonus, you get to find out about them, because not only do you get the verbal information, but if you're observant, you get all the non-verbal stuff, too. If it turns out they're not really interested in you, then you had a conversation and a nice reconnaissance mission. Or you might have a new friend. Or more...

My usual line is something like, "So what do you normally do when you're not doing x?" in which x is whatever situation we're both in at the moment. If the situation is not particularly unusual, then I'll try to find some silly way to describe it: if I were at a bar with loud music, I might say something like, "...when you're not actively trying to go deaf..." A little corny, true, but that separates the chaff from the wheat, too. Just don't laugh heartily at your own corniness. =) Deadpan is your friend. I've used this line in many situations, and yes, I did snag my partner with it. (Her answer was a cool and unusual job with a rather prestigious public tv station... I was muy impressed! She thought I was a complete dork until I impressed her with my cowbell skills. No kidding. African bell pattern will get you somewhere. Thanks, Randy Armstrong...)

[supertom]

this will be a classic post, waiting for one on how you discover your passion

[ArthurHung]

Pfft... just another Love, Truth and Power calibrated post. It's like Steve doesn't know how to write in any other way

[Matt Willard]

It's weird, because these days, when an issue's predominantly on my mind, you'll make up a blog post that seems to clear it up for me. Mainly I've been fussing over my fiction and my attempts to earn money writing, as well as my constant need to reassess where I needed to go to make things happen, and this definitely clears things up. You've mentioned your psychic ability before and this proves it for me.

...I'm gonna go change my bank account number, okay?


No, it's not going to be 8675309.


QUIT READING MY MIND.

[Hunter Nuttall]

Uh-oh, I guess my blogging calibration is off, because I was surprised by the success of Stuff White People Like. Yeah, it's funny, but it's a one-trick pony. I don't see why people would keep going back to it after getting their first laugh.

"Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any highly successful bloggers that don’t have multiple negative rants written about them somewhere. All of them piss people off."

I don't recall seeing any negative rants about Seth Godin or Tim Ferriss (and only a couple about Leo Babauta). It's certainly possible that I just don't know where their critics live. Anyway, I agree that it's usually a bad sign if you're not offending anyone.

[Plato]

Originally Posted by Pequod

I would go home totally messed up, burnt up, with headaches, literally shaking and having a fever from the intens fear that I pushed myself through time after time.

Do you drive Pequod? The reason I ask is that ^ is how I felt after my first 20 hours of lessons out on the road. Totally stressed, worn out and incapable of anything else for a long time. It was a lot more difficult learning to drive than I had predicted and after I failed my test for the second time I was on the verge of quitting and accepting a life of not driving. I dread to think what it would be like if that was the case now. It was teetering in the balance but I kept going, and 6 weeks later passed my test. In total it only took me 6 months to pass my test (which is a pretty typical length of time) after my 17th birthday but I wanted it so badly that it felt like forever and every mistake felt like a dagger inside.

Throughout the whole process I was overly optimistic about how quickly I could pick up the necessary skills. What made it so stressful was that I wasn't being truthful with myself. I was trying to believe that I could learn the skill without investing in it 100%. At the time I thought I couldn't have tried any harder, and that is true. BUT I was dangerously close to quitting and the reason is I didn't make the commitment to myself that I was passing my test NO MATTER WHAT. My brain was equipped to get something for not much effort but when it was told NO by reality it got all upset.

Now driving is the most therapeutic thing in my life. Seriously, whenever I need to calm down and get into a good even state I go for a drive. I positively look forward to driving.

I suspect that social skills are AT LEAST as important to you as driving was to me.

Originally Posted by Pequod

Also I needed to make sure it was fun to train my social skills.

If you want it to be really fun, make the commitment you're going to get it NO MATTER WHAT. It's only as stressful as your mind predicts failure, which it will if you're lying to yourself about how much work this will take. Hell, overestimate what it will take to get your social skills up to an awesome level but then decide whether you will pay the price. After the decision is made, you are going to achieve the goal or die trying. Simple as that.

I am probably in a similar position to you in social skills Pequod, in that I let off the gas before I had reached the level I truly wanted. That is not good enough. I know now that this goal is too important to me not to get it. If I don't do this it will haunt me forever. I will die an old man with a heart of regret for what I let excuses stop me achieving. My life is not worth living unless I master this.

[prasunsen]

Originally Posted by Hunter Nuttall

I don't recall seeing any negative rants about Seth Godin or Tim Ferriss (and only a couple about Leo Babauta).

Can't say anything negative for Seth, but Tim Ferris seems as just another "know it all" jerk whose success is due mostly to aggressive marketing.Does that count as rant?

Back on the topic, this has been one of the best posts from Steve.

[Pequod]

Originally Posted by Plato

Do you drive Pequod? The reason I ask is that ^ is how I felt after my first 20 hours of lessons out on the road. Totally stressed, worn out and incapable of anything else for a long time. It was a lot more difficult learning to drive than I had predicted and after I failed my test for the second time I was on the verge of quitting and accepting a life of not driving. I dread to think what it would be like if that was the case now. It was teetering in the balance but I kept going, and 6 weeks later passed my test. In total it only took me 6 months to pass my test (which is a pretty typical length of time) after my 17th birthday but I wanted it so badly that it felt like forever and every mistake felt like a dagger inside.

Throughout the whole process I was overly optimistic about how quickly I could pick up the necessary skills. What made it so stressful was that I wasn't being truthful with myself. I was trying to believe that I could learn the skill without investing in it 100%. At the time I thought I couldn't have tried any harder, and that is true. BUT I was dangerously close to quitting and the reason is I didn't make the commitment to myself that I was passing my test NO MATTER WHAT. My brain was equipped to get something for not much effort but when it was told NO by reality it got all upset.

Now driving is the most therapeutic thing in my life. Seriously, whenever I need to calm down and get into a good even state I go for a drive. I positively look forward to driving.

I suspect that social skills are AT LEAST as important to you as driving was to me.

If you want it to be really fun, make the commitment you're going to get it NO MATTER WHAT. It's only as stressful as your mind predicts failure, which it will if you're lying to yourself about how much work this will take. Hell, overestimate what it will take to get your social skills up to an awesome level but then decide whether you will pay the price. After the decision is made, you are going to achieve the goal or die trying. Simple as that.

I am probably in a similar position to you in social skills Pequod, in that I let off the gas before I had reached the level I truly wanted. That is not good enough. I know now that this goal is too important to me not to get it. If I don't do this it will haunt me forever. I will die an old man with a heart of regret for what I let excuses stop me achieving. My life is not worth living unless I master this.

Thanks for the encouragement Plato!

The situation I described was 4, 5 years ago. Since then my development has gone in a different direction. I kept working on my social skills and nowadays I'm quite happy with them. I wanted to make the point that going after women without covering the basics first will only lead to disappointment.

In retrospect I can say that there were other obstacles in becoming succesfull like conflicting beliefs. I worked on that also and even experimented with celibacy for 1,5 year.

Anyways, this summer I decided that celibacy is not the path for me any more and I got back in the game. Last week my first gf after this period and I broke up, so everything is up for grabs again. I'll keep you posted about how it unfolds!

[Scorpio]

Originally Posted by Hunter Nuttall

I don't recall seeing any negative rants about Seth Godin or Tim Ferriss (and only a couple about Leo Babauta). It's certainly possible that I just don't know where their critics live. Anyway, I agree that it's usually a bad sign if you're not offending anyone.

Oh, I'm not even a hater, but those are easy:

1. Seth Godin is too cutesy and repackages common sense.
2. Tim Ferriss is in love with himself, he's lying about being able to work that little..
3. Leo Babuata's writing is trite and cheesy, and he's mainly successful because he's a good self promoter.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Hunter Nuttall

Uh-oh, I guess my blogging calibration is off, because I was surprised by the success of Stuff White People Like. Yeah, it's funny, but it's a one-trick pony. I don't see why people would keep going back to it after getting their first laugh.

"Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any highly successful bloggers that don’t have multiple negative rants written about them somewhere. All of them piss people off."

I don't recall seeing any negative rants about Seth Godin or Tim Ferriss (and only a couple about Leo Babauta). It's certainly possible that I just don't know where their critics live. Anyway, I agree that it's usually a bad sign if you're not offending anyone.

You seem a bit sheltered.

I've seen negative stuff posted about all three of them, especially Tim Ferriss. You can read some of the negative reviews about his book on Amazon for starters.

I'm not saying that successful bloggers intentionally write stuff just to upset people, but if you write enough material about interesting topics, someone will take offense.

Even Eckhart Tolle has plenty of trash talk posted about him online.

Behind the scenes a lot of negative feedback is sent via email too. I had fun at the Hay House authors' dinner sharing stories about what kind of trash we all get. The psychic mediums in particular take it pretty hard.

It makes little difference how nice and genuine you are. Someone will have an issue with it if you write stuff that challenges people.

The worst thing you can possibly do to someone is to raise their awareness of something they aren't ready to face.

[Warping]

This has to be one of my favorite posts. We can definitely feel the effects of the juice feasts.

At first I didn't think much of it, I read the whole thing in one sitting and didn't get all worked up about it, which usually happens when I read other posts. This time was different though.

Since this post, I've gone out and done things that I simply did not do before. I think this post 'internalized' in an amazing way. I didn't care about 'everything being perfect' and I just threw myself in whatever situation came up. I think this kind of writing is really needed in PD, rather than ones that just give you an emotional high.

This directly pushes you into action, even if it's in baby steps. Don't care about looking like a dork anymore. That actually gets more done, than sitting and overanalyzing everything.

Perfect. Good on ya Steve.

[bluedragon]

I wonder what all those bloggers who are against Steve will have to say to this entry. They'll find something, won't they?
I don't ever read any criticism articles anyway, they just piss me off too much, even if they are not aimed at me.
This entry raises an important question for me. I just started building my self healing website (an area where you wouldn't expect much adversity and malice, right?). And I'm also gonna have a blog on this site. And I really wonder if I could ever write something without having in mind the objective to avoid criticism. Of course, I would never deviate from what I have to say even if I knew it would attract criticism, but I would try to put it in such terms to be as convincing as possible.
Why can't we ever express ourselves in a way that will not be attacked by others? Especially in subjective fields, such as blogging - or music? I sometimes look up videos of live performances on youtube, and I am always amazed by the comments below almost every breath-taking performance - the amount of negativity people put into comparing one singer to another, insulting the singer, arguing why he should just shut up. I don't know how I could put up with such adversity (well, actually I know ; ), but I refuse to, for the moment). I may be able to ignore it, but until I understand it, and don't know if I would make the decision of confronting it. It might take some time until I am able to have an attitude comparable to Steve's, to say that I am thankful for the publicity my critics make for me.

[SirLouen]

Impressive post! I started with this phylosophy short time ago, and I'm still "calibrating" it because, by itself learning to calibrate (specially coming from a 99% mental type) needs a lot of calibration.

I'm glad that after the raw/juice experimental life you go back to the interesting blog side

[ClareDragonfly]

What a fabulous post, Steve! The timing is interesting for me--I feel really validated. I've been writing fiction my whole life, but I recently discovered the medium of online serial fiction as a way to publish. Less than a month after I discovered the medium, I had decided to start my own online serial novel and had started the process of getting my website set up. I threw myself into it, made no attempt to disguise the fact that I'm new to the medium, and just did my best. I've gotten help from other newbies and had lots of success considering how new my novel is. I've identified and corrected a few mistakes, and I'm modeling a few things on someone else who is much more successful in the field than I am. I definitely have a lot farther to go before I reach my goal, but your post gives me confidence that I'll make it as long as I don't give up--and I don't intend to!

http://clarekrmiller.digitalnovelists.com

[konmai]

"Somewhere along the way, I picked up a wife without even trying."

agh hahahaha! the humor that i always anticipate in steve's blogs.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

“Hey guys, I’m currently learning how to meet women at night clubs, but I’m a total newbie at this. ”

Incidentally, if you actually try this, please let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear how people react to it. I think this could work for men and women alike.

I've tryed this many times last year, it does work !

What I noticed is that the girls reaction is positive, and they appreciate it, but overall their reaction is not very different from the reaction they would have if I said another more "normal" line, like "hi !" or "hey do you have a minute?" or something else.

It does help to feel good during the conversation and feel good about being a newbie though.
So it makes a difference to me, but not necessarily to the girls/people I'm talking to.

It's not possible to do it too many times though, cause after a certain number of times it's not true anymore

[John Tedder]

"Calibration" is a great post. It is very inspiring for a new blogger like me. You have written a lot of inspiring posts actually. I have been blogging since August and I really enjoy it. I can tell my writing has gotten better in only five months. I just decided to jump in and start.

I gave my "ice breaker" speech at Toastmasters last night. Your blogging inspired me to join. It was my second meeting and already I have met a lot of interesting people. At the meeting last night, I was sitting next to a woman who blogs for Wired.com and lives in the same small town that my wife and I do. She was the evaluator for my speech.

[missing]

hmm. I was not at all surprised at the success of "Stuff White People Like". I immediately sensed the nerve that it hit, and I knew many people were going to dislike it. Further more, I knew people were going to be "puzzled" as to why it attained so much success. Somehow, I sensed how this was all tied together. Admittedly, the 300k + for the book deal felt excessive. So maybe I'm not that calibrated. All the same.

Great passage:

This is one of many subtle calibration refinements I learned from years of blogging. I discovered that prefacing every opinion with phrases like “I think…” or “I feel…” or “In my opinion…” leads to the creation of wimpy content. So this was actually a personal defect I learned to correct, and I intentionally make strong statements. My readers aren’t stupid. They know that since this is my website, such statements represent my thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. When I offer up my thoughts directly, as opposed to watering them down with qualifiers, people are challenged to agree or disagree with me. This helps people question their beliefs, strengthening some while weakening others. This is what I like to see.

I relate to this because very recently on the forums another poster chastised me for "not seeing other people's truths as valid as my own". I immediately had to point out that this was simply not the case and it must be my abrasive language that the poster was referring too. I seem to have little trouble attracting "controversy", albeit it's normally just one poster at a time (who knows what others are thinking if they don't respond). I will often post something (here and on other boards) that I know is going to be unpopular. I don't do it to be antagonistic. I actually feel very nervous after posting, and get more nervous as I check back. So nervous that I will put it off! Of course once I do check it's never as bad as I thought it would be, and I'm often pleasantly surprised when I get a reasoned response. But there are many people who just aren't ready for your ideas and you just end up intellectually antagonizing. Sometimes this leads to an energy draining "debate" that nobody can win, but at least that gives you a chance to solidify one's argument.

Anyway, I would think this meant there was a problem with myself. That I was deliberately antagonizing people, and it signified something deeper within myself. Something about feeling disconnected from the greater world. Perhaps there might be something to this, but after reading this entry by Steve, I'm now thinking I need to embrace this feeling of always being "against the grain". Especially if it seems I will keep flowing this direction. Perhaps it means I'm more calibrated towards successful blogging than I thought! Now the real challenge... to figure a topic that lends itself to timeless content, which resonates with me deeply...

[AlexWeber]

Hey Steve,

I really enjoy how you took the concept of Calibration and applied it to a wide range of topics here.

For my own work in a social dynamics context, it's really cool to see someone else who "gets it".

Also it's very cool to hear some more of your ideas on socializing and building your social muscles. Watch out—you'll be (more) revered by the PUA community if you keep writing posts like this!

Just kidding... keep going in this vein as long as you like. I enjoyed reading this one and I look forward to more in the future.

-Alex

[supertom]

if i understand, calibration fits into anything to do with any skill you can learn, art, crativity.....

[Token]

Because of this article I have to go to my first training in karate in 8 hours.

[RT Wolf]

Sorry for the grave digging but I had some thoughts I wanted to share:

The point of setting goals is often to progressively calibrate and become the kind of person who achieves those goals consistently. For example, say I want to become healthy and I set the goal to excersize every day for 30 days. I may be able to do that for 30 days but I don't make enough changes to become the kind of person who excersizes every day, so that after the 30 days are up, I go back to not excersizing. On the other hand, a really successful calibration can lead to completely changing the way I see the world, so that I don't find fatty foods at all interesting. A big slice of chocolate cake just doesn't register a blip on my emotional radar. In fact, I start to desire healthy foods.

In Psychology (which I'm studying...for reals, like in a university and everything, goin to be published soon hopefully), there seem to be two predominant systems in the human mind, imaginatively called System 1 and System 2 (I prefer the labels "procedural" and "propositional" myself, so I'll be using these). The Propositional system is what we think of when we think of thinking: it's largely conscious, is often associated with words and language, slow but flexible. It's "know that", and it's a tiny part of our overall "us". Example is learning the names of all states. Procedural system is for dealing with skills: the kinds of things that you can't put into words effectively, the ineffable. Example is tying a shoelace or riding a bike. Procedural system is fast, but inflexible (which you need if you want to escape from a tiger). It's a "know that" system.

Try telling someone how to tie showlaces (without using hand gestures) step-by-step and they have to follow your instructions literally. So you'll say something like, "make a loop" and they'll make a giant loop and you'll say, "that's too big, make it smaller", then they make it tiny and so forth. The procedural and propositional systems don't always communicate so well (though mindfulness meditation seems to help improve their interactions).

Things handled by the propositional system are often memorized and then repeated enough that they become internalized enough to become "automatic", which means they've been taken up the procedural system.

Skills development resides in the procedural system. This post is about developing these ineffable skills, where you can get advice (which is usually useless), but ultimately you have to go out and learn for yourself by doing. Knowing the steps is way different from actually doing it. And yea, with procedural skills, there is a process of calibration, such as a just-born animal learning to walk stumbles a bunch and falls before eventually learning.

How you learn purely propositional skills such as symbolic logic is different (though this gets proceduralized a lot, too).

Also, that thing in the post about TKD style conflicting with Kempo is called just interference. A study was done on this very thing, using expert bridge players and novice bridge players and having them play against each other. Experts clobbered the novices in bridge, but then the experimenters with a perverse sense of humour gave them a game called "smidge" which is just slightly different from bridge. It was different enough that that experts' calibration was thrown off enough that the novices clobbered them. The novices were less automated and more propositional so they could be more propositional. That's one of the reasons you cross-train, to remain flexible.

Part of the reason why people ignored Steve's advice on blogging is cause the procedural and propositional systems aren't very good at talking to each other. Facts (realm of the propositional system) don't influence behaviour (procedural system). That said, you can calibrate them to talk to each other better...through mindfulness among other things.

Progressive calibration of procedural skills is FUN. Human beings seem wired to find this sort of improvement inherently interesting.

This dichotomy is also one of the reasons that straight women give terrible advice on meeting women. That's cause they don't have the calibration to do it cause they've never had to do it. So straight women look back in their heads and try to figure out what mighta worked for them, and/or mix that with what they've seen in movies and give you useless answers. Their propositional system doesn't really know what actually appealed the procedural system which governs arousal and sexual interest (ever made yourself sexually interested in someone? It sorta works by itself). The only useful advice I ever got from a woman was from a lesbian.