Share Your Shame (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Share Your Shame

[Holistic Star]

Steve, is this just a long intro into telling us that you've cheated on your juice feast


Yes you're right. I know you are right. But I still hold secrets close to my heart that I would struggle to tell anyone.

In your book you said level one truth was posting your secrets anonomously on the interent and I haven't even managed to bring myself to do that.

So yes, you have brought me slap bang against something I very much need to work on. So thank you.

[Savage]

I haven't cheated on my juice feast, but perhaps my subconscious is asking for permission to do so. I told him it's okay to cheat on January 25th.

[Holistic Star]

Oh that naughty subconscious mind making you write fantastic blog posts just so you can have some raw cacao nut mylk.

(Anyway you'd already said you'd given yourself permission to cheat and then blog about it, so I knew you hadn't really).

Thanks again for the post. Expect an outpouring of confessions on the board very soon. You might regret what you've started.

[Monique7nuns]

You know I thought sharing my "ghosts" on this forum would help.. has it? I don't know. I'd like to think it has, but today.. I'm thinking no and that ultimately people could care less cause their always going to be more interested in their own personal agenda. Its the conclusion I always come back to.. so it must be my own doing some how. It's me who's always more interested in my own agenda, even if I don't think I am.

Today.. it's seems as though there is no point, so why bother sharing?

[Matt Willard]

I admit a personal fear last night and then you post this. Something must be in sync, I tell ya :V

[straysweeper]

I got some things that would be interesting to let out. However, they are exactly what I hold back because of what others would think about me if I did. There are things that I still struggle with today, that I wish I could cure and let go. Anonymously on the internet? Could I really do that? Hmm, *googles proxy's*

This blog has brought up a lot of things in my head. From a limiting belief I just caught in myself of "Do it right the first time, or don't do it at all" I have no idea where it came from but it was there. Also, I am again reminded of when I was a kid. I'd chase a girl around the school playground, even kiss her a couple of times to her dismay. I remember riding all the rides that they would allow us to go on at Frontier City. But something shifted from that little boy to where I am now.

When I was being interviewed for a promotion, a very conscious woman then, whom I still admire, sad something that almost made me cry. She said something that, the little boy in me is trying to come out, and that will keep me grounded when I succeed. I've been curious about this ever since.

[pterodactyl]

I think this is a timely and important post, Steve. As always you have a way of making these concepts so crystal clear. I share your affinity for authenticity, and I do strive to be authentic in my relationships (it is a struggle because like others I struggle with shame and fear of being judged/rejected). It is not so easy to be completely honest, particularly in a work environment or situation where you may have people who are jealous and critical toward you who want to see you fail.

[Akashic_Librarian]

My shame? I have something inside that I have done - several (Read: Many) -times, and I just won't share that.

That secret will die with me.

Something slightly less intense would be...I used to fantasize about killing people I didn't like. Not so bad really, but I used to think really graphically about it, without anger - without emotion.

It was weird. Like life had no meaning to me.

[DerekH]

My name is Derek, I'm 22 and I'm addicted to sex.

Over the past 3 years, I have been in two one year relationships. While in these relationships I felt compelled to always have sex with these girls. I would get upset when they wouldn't want to have sex with me and they knew this.

When these girls would sleep over I expected to have sex with them. If not once but multiple times. This pattern happened for most of the first relationship without my awareness. She eventually brought it to my attention and I've been aware of it for quite some time.

Then in my spare time I still masterbate usually once a day. Masterbation is just something I do to release and distract myself. Funny how you mentioned internet porn addiction Steve ha!

I can understand where this addiction has come from and I have some ideas as to how I can overcome this addiction, neediness, whatever it is.

I think a 30 day celibate trial is in order.

This is just the start lol!

[Andrew Brunelle]

Originally Posted by DerekH

I think a 30 day celibate trial is in order.

This is just the start lol!

It will be just like that movie "40 Days and 40 Nights", only it's 30 days.

[dinc]

This is a bit related to my post on absolute truth a while ago. I'm glad that you posted this, Steve.

Still, even if I'm absolutely truthful, I never consciously decide to tell people the awful things that I've done. I just resolve to tell the truth should they ever ask.

An example, the only reason my parents now know that I am bisexual is because it was convenient to the conversation. I told them that I was bisexual to support an argument that I leveraged against their somewhat limited views. I'm surprised at the lack of persecution that I've suffered because of this, and it only made me feel better... So I suppose it wouldn't be that bad to start revealing truths left and right. It would put a lot of stress on me in the short term, but in the long term, I would probably feel better.

Another for instance, I'm sexually attracted to children under thirteen down to the age of eight.... Not such a bad thing considering I'm only sixteen, but still very politically incorrect. Go figure.

[Eleanor Rose]

Steve, do you think you have to tell other people about your secrets/shame in order to be free of them? Aren't there other ways to be free of them? Or am I just kidding myself?

[Eleanor Rose]

I haven't been able to shake my sense of shame that I have had sexual contact with a man who was about 45 years older than me, who I didn't even find attractive. I was 20 at the time. I am ashamed that I didn't listen to my real feelings about the whole thing and was so compliant.

I am ashamed that I have had crushes on other women...

[dinc]

Originally Posted by Eleanor Rose

I haven't been able to shake my sense of shame that I have had sexual contact with a man who was about 45 years older than me, who I didn't even find attractive. I was 20 at the time. I am ashamed that I didn't listen to my real feelings about the whole thing and was so compliant.

I am ashamed that I have had crushes on other women...

Why are you ashamed of crushing on other women?

[The David]

If I were with a man 45 years older than me, women would look pretty good.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Eleanor Rose

Steve, do you think you have to tell other people about your secrets/shame in order to be free of them? Aren't there other ways to be free of them? Or am I just kidding myself?

If you'd be afraid to share it, then yes, it's better to put it in the open and drop the shield for good. If you sense no resistance when you think about sharing it, like it would be no big deal, then no, it isn't necessary to share it.

The question is: Are you choosing the path of fear and shame, or are you choosing the path of courage and connection? If you aren't consciously choosing the latter, you get the former by default.

[Savage]

One of the key lessons we all need to learn is that no matter what we've done in the past, we're still worthy of love right now. The tendency to hold our deep, dark secrets inside results from the fear that we won't be loved if people knew the truth about us.

[dinc]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

One of the key lessons we all need to learn is that no matter what we've done in the past, we're still worthy of love right now.

Hmmm. I've always wondered what you would say to a pedophile regarding love. You've mentioned in previous blog posts that one should not block one's wants. They must be acknowledged, and they will never truly disappear...

Any comments on this?

[Eleanor Rose]

I think I have a tendency to tell people things I feel guilty about, even when there's no need and when it's not relevant - not sure why I do that.

Thanks Steve for your reply.

Why are you ashamed of crushing on other women?

I grew up in a family where anything vaguely homosexual was abhorrent. My grandparents thought that gays should be executed, so you can see what sort of insane beliefs I absorbed from my parents and grandparents while growing up.

Even though I see that such beliefs are ridiculous, there is still a part of me which is afraid of being judged harshly for any thoughts I might have which are not 100% heterosexual. I am not not gay or even bisexual, but I feel awkward telling a female friend she looks nice, in case she thinks I'm not completely straight.

I think that stems from how my mother treated me - I love my mother very much but she didn't like to be hugged or kissed and told me later on in my teens that I was too old for kisses and it would not look right to other people, the undertone was that we would look gay or something.

[Pace]

This post reminds me of one of my favorite XKCD comics.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dreams.png

Kyeli and I printed this out and hung it on our wall to remind ourselves.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

I have two things I generally keep to myself. The first is something I'm writing a book about that should be done in 6 months, and the second is something that really should be no big deal, but I think might be anyway.

The second thing is like being gay 40 or 50 years ago -- it's something that could ruin a political career, for example, but nothing that I, or anyone I associate with closely, finds particularly offensive. I do worry that "someone" will find out in the future and use it against me.

[Lena Carpenter]

The only thing that weighs heavily on me is that I dropped out of college years ago, and never told my parents about it. I see how silly it is, but all these years they assumed I got my degree, and I kept up the appearance that I have. They paid for my education and it's super important to them. Sometimes I think it doesn't really matter either way, but I guess it does, because it bugs me.

[Blueskied]

Originally Posted by Lena Carpenter

The only thing that weighs heavily on me is that I dropped out of college years ago, and never told my parents about it.

Crazy...

One thing i am hiding from my parents is that i smoke. Pretty ridiculous for a 35 year old, sneaking into the basement to have a smoke when i visit them, like a 12 year old.
What a terrible drug...

[Elfwing]

My secret is a mental disorder. It's an interesting synchronity, Steve - you posted this exactly when I needed to hear it.

I call it "the OCD". I don't actually know what it is, but it's really obsessive, and I hate it. It gets in the way of everything. It fixates on people I respect, dead people, or people I'd rather die than like (IE Hitler).

And it's getting in the way of my life. I can't make friends because of it. I can't talk to my spirit guides, angels, or my great grandfather because I'm so ashamed of it, and it crops up whenever I try. I don't know how to get rid of it. I try to ignore it, but it comes back. I've had it for years, ever since I started reading Anne Frank and it fixated on Hitler. It told me, "I bet you like him" (Heck no) "He isn't so bad" and stuff like that. And I didn't believe it, but it kept on coming.

It's... like mind rape, I told someone. Sometimes a rapist might force his victim to do... certain things... and the OCD is like that. Except instead of a rapist, it puts there people I respect, dead people or people I despise there. It does it on a sexual level and that's why I'm so ashamed. It's humiliating. I found a person I wanted to be my friend last year, and it fixated on them until it knew I didn't want to be their friend anymore. It got so bad that I'd be walking down the hallway and suddenly screwed my eyes shut and covered my ears with my hands, squeezing my head, just to make them STOP. My counselor knows there's something going on, but I'm so ashamed I can't even tell her. I can't even tell you guys how specific it is - this is the closest I can get. And I'm so scared that someone is going to come here and tell me that it's happening because I want it - I DON'T. I hate it, I hate it. I know why it's here - it's trying to protect me from disappointments and let downs, I've figured that out. But figuring it out hasn't made it go away.

Gods, I hope I'm not alone. I hope there's a name for this disorder somewhere. I KNOW it's a disorder, some kind of obsessive disorder, and I just want help. Or support.

It's so synchronic (sp?) that Steve posted this. I know my great grandfather wants to talk to me (he passed away a few Easters ago). Well, I think - anyway, sometimes I can feel him there and last night when I wanted to talk to an angel or spirit guide and did a visualisation where I go down a hallway and open a door, and I just knew he was on the other side, and I couldn't face him because sometimes the OCD fixates on Hitler, and my great grandfather was in a POW camp during the second world war and I really, really don't want to upset him. And then it might fixate on him himself, and... I just can't do it.

Oh man. This felt good to get out.

[Matt Willard]

Elfwing, I can empathize with you. At times I've had obsessive, distressing thoughts in that sort of manner-not exactly the kind that you've had, but all the same, thoughts I didn't want. I'm glad you got that off your chest, and hey, you're not alone.

[Matiasfx]

My mind and brain hated this post.... but my soul its rejoycing with it!

Great timing for me too with this one... Steve once again, thanks a lot. You really inspire me!!!

Cheers

Matty

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

If you'd be afraid to share it, then yes, it's better to put it in the open and drop the shield for good. If you sense no resistance when you think about sharing it, like it would be no big deal, then no, it isn't necessary to share it.

The question is: Are you choosing the path of fear and shame, or are you choosing the path of courage and connection? If you aren't consciously choosing the latter, you get the former by default.

I am not sure about this I have been thinking about it for quite awhile tonight

will it actually help me to say I was a theif at one point
or to tell that I cheated on a test
or I lied to a friend or family member
or I drank to alleviate my low self-esteem ????

[seeker5]

That's a fantastic post Steve. Had me thinking about all the things about my past I make a point not to reveal here in my new life in Vegas. I'll go ahead and start making a point of mentioning them to remove this sense of "I hope they don't find out".

[ncos]

I used to be ashamed of being gay and thought it was a failure, but after coming out a year ago, I learned it's not a failure and nothing to be ashamed of. I have so much less worry now - life is much easier!

I think it's interesting how many "coming out" stories this post has already generated

Great post Steve!