Share Your Shame (Blog)

[jayh]

I agree - wonderful post. I've done MANY things I'm ashamed of. In fact, I used to be a habitual "white" liar because of my fear of being judged by other people. I still struggle with it all the time.

I'll share the thing I'm most ashamed of. This is yet another Synchronicity for me because I just listed these out about two weeks ago - I realized that almost all of my dreams lately have a guilt association (I started a dream journal recently and did this as an exercise to try and deal with my hidden guilt.

In college, my ex-girlfriend asked me to take her to the abortion clinic (the baby was not mine, there was no way it was possible...) Nonetheless, I still thought I loved her, and even though I felt it was morally wrong I took her. She told me she would do it regardless of my decision to take her or not. I did it to help her, but to this day I feel guilty about it and it haunts me all the time. I recently shared this story with a good friend of mine, and he then turned around and told me that he and his wife had an abortion before they got married because their parents are "Church of God". It was really nice for both of us to get it off of our chests.

Anyway, that's all I'd like to share for now.

[jawillie]

I am the type of person that has always gotten away with things. People always trust me. Even at AIT training for the guards, we snuck off base almost every weekend. One weekend we thought we were caught so I just decided to fess up to the Drill Seargent. All he did was ask me, "are you 21?" I said yes. He said, just don't do it again. And, I thought the army was supposed to be tough! lol I am sure he knew my friends went with me, too, but the matter was dropped and forgotten.

But it seems my whole life I can "get away with things." So, I have had actually had to work really hard to stay honest because *I* want to be honest, because everyone else just assumes I am.

I actually do care now. I admit I didn't have much character or integrity growing up and in my teens/early twenties. I could go on and on about all the trouble I should have gotten into but didn't. As I got older it actually started to bug me... so, I do care now.

I have learned I like to live a guilt-free life even if no one else sees me do wrong.

[pterodactyl]

While it is cathartic to share like this, is nobody worried that this information might be used against them? While I do agree with Steve's ideas, we all must live in the hard cold real world. These words and sentiments are wonderful, but with the click of a mouse anyone who bears you ill for any reason may be able to obtain information to use against you. Many of us have jobs that are crucial to our life paths, involving working for others who have power over us. I know Steve would encourage such a person to quit their job, but if that is not feasible because doing that work is an integral part of your path, then it is unwise, in my opinion, to share one's shame freely over the internet.

Share shame with a trusted source, not the whole world.

[Miss Moo]

I was just thinking about whether or not I should tell my partner something that happened a few years ago and then I read this article. I guess it's a sign. Well, I suppose I can practice here and see how it goes:

When I was 15 my parents hired a man, who was a friend of a family friend, to help out on the farm. He was 42. He tried very hard to be my friend. He came on my walks with me, offered to pick me up from school and cooked me breakfast. On some level I knew what he was doing, but I didn't ask him to leave me alone.

He followed me around like that for a couple of months, which culminated one night after he'd been drinking, to him coming on to me. I told him to stop and that I wasn't interested. He left me alone and I didn't tell anyone about it. A few weeks later he tried again, again I said no and locked myself in my room, without telling anyone about it. About a week after that he tried again, I said no, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He (literally) forced me to do something I didn't want to do. I was terrified and I called my friend and told her that something had happened. She told me to tell my parents and I didn't. I don't know why I didn't. He came onto me again after that and I stopped resisting. This went on for about a year.

My friends knew something was up (I went from being a happy, outgoing person to introverted and depressed). I lied to all of them, including the friend I'd already told (I said it was a "misunderstanding") and told them that I was in love (which later on in the year I also lied to him about). It finally ended when one of the friends I'd told told a mutual friend of my parents, who then told my parents and I haven't seen him since.

I am so ashamed that I lied to everyone about what really went on. I hated it, I hated myself for doing it, I hated that I didn't stop it and I still hate him. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to cause him serious harm.

This is the first time I've told anyone the whole story. Some of my friends from highschool still think I loved him, although I know at least two of them know I was lying. I'm still debating whether or not to tell my current boyfriend, but the subject of "first times" came up last night and he was very intrigued when I said I didn't want to talk about it and changed the subject.

Wow it feels relieving to get that off my chest

[esgreat]

Here goes...

I always felt like wanting to be right all the time. I would get very angry and do all kinds of manipulative things until I was proven right.

When I was proven right I will humiliate them in front of lots of people and repeatedly tell them how right I was with a focus on how wrong they were.

I also love to annoy people with facts and common misconceptions. I'd show them facts to 'prove' that everything they had believed in was false.

I wanted to be known as the know-it-all, from science, economics, to spiritually, etc...there were times when I even quoted Steve to impress others

I'd despised people who were lousier than me. I hated people who showed approval seeking while ironically those were the actions I was taking myself.

I seemed to have double standards: I can do those things but not others. I was right: and only I could be right.

I hated people who were better than me. It made me feel somewhat inadequate on not "god-like"...

There...nice to get things out...

Anyway, thanks Steve for showing be about conscious living and the concept of 'oneness' with others. Though I still struggle with arrogant thoughts at times, I'm finally starting to see a way out

[Marth]

Shameful things:
-Bladder didnt fully develop until late, making me wet the bed even til early teen years.
-During last year of high school avoided public speaking to the point where I had to drop a class
-20yo M & still virgin

[Apollia]

Originally Posted by The blog post

What would shame you terribly if it were ever posted on the Internet and connected with your real name for anyone to see? What events or habits from your past or present would you feel embarrassed to talk about?

This is precisely what you need to share with others — openly and publicly.

I'll do it if someone pays me $1,000,000,000... For that price, I'll even write at least one book about it, and release the book(s) for free on the internet.

For now, I'll just say, it was nothing illegal, and nothing immoral - just very embarrassing. I simply hate talking about it so much I would prefer to be paid to reveal it to the world in detail.

I've actually shared this in public in the past, on more than one occasion, but, I don't want to keep pushing my luck. I don't regret having shared it in public - I was extremely touched by how nice the few reactions were, as well as incredibly surprised, and it improved my outlook on humanity quite a bit. But I know if I had opened up in the wrong company the results probably would've been pretty painful.

I don't know if it's really necessary to tell the entire world in order to gain at least some of the benefits of openly confessing a secret shame. I think in many cases it might be enough to just be able to tell even just one person.

Best wishes,
Apollia

[agiuliodori]

Steve! you've copied my post (Italian)!

I'm joking. Happy to share the same ideas about sharing our shames.

Andrea

[Trezker]

- Virgin 'til 23
- Got so drunk on new year I blacked out after midnight and woke up in my shower having caused a flood in my apartment, and my bed was ruined by puke which was probably the reason I went to the shower.

I'm not ashamed of the first point, I just brought it up to show that I beat that guy who went to 20 as virgin...

The second I'm ashamed of. It's a pretty bad thing to have done, but I don't fear sharing it because others had done it before me. I even told my parents the day it happened, because I needed help with the cleanup. It not something I'd choose as the first thing to reveal when I make new friends though.

[Eric Revelin]

Originally Posted by pterodactyl

While it is cathartic to share like this, is nobody worried that this information might be used against them? While I do agree with Steve's ideas, we all must live in the hard cold real world. These words and sentiments are wonderful, but with the click of a mouse anyone who bears you ill for any reason may be able to obtain information to use against you. Many of us have jobs that are crucial to our life paths, involving working for others who have power over us. I know Steve would encourage such a person to quit their job, but if that is not feasible because doing that work is an integral part of your path, then it is unwise, in my opinion, to share one's shame freely over the internet.

Share shame with a trusted source, not the whole world.

[Note: "You" in this post is referring to a larger you, not this poster individually.]

Steve's point is to let down your guard, not pull down your pants and wag your willy at oncoming traffic. Even so, admitting one's shame often isn't as detrimental as it seems, the key factor is what's stopping you from doing it. If you're afraid then you need to bust through that fear ASAP. It doesn't matter if it means giving up something crucial in the process- it's far easier to forge a new path when you've dropped some dead weight.

The thing is that we've all got skeletons in our closet. Being genuine gives others permission to be genuine. That can backfire, of course it can, but you don't gain anything without taking a risk.

This world isn't cold and hard. Even the people in the world aren't cold and hard. No, you've got people like that, but then you've got other people who are screaming inside, wanting nothing more than to be allowed to be human and express themselves. If you want to help balance or overpower the cold and hard aspects of life, you've got to warm things up starting with bold action on your part. You've got to invigorate the people who are still hiding in their shells. Intelligence has to drive your actions as much as your passion but never, ever hold back because you're afraid.

[Amit]

It's funny Steve, every time you post something it's always at the time when the same subject has been crossing my mind too.

I wrote a post a while back here The Lap Dancer who changed my life. | The Power of Choice called the lap dancer who changed my life and it's something I still remember clearly to this day as it has such an impact on me.

Just recently it's occurred to me to post about something that isn't something shameful to speak of, just slightly difficult and embarrassing but I realised that by posting about it I could actually help so many people who may have or may be going through something similar...

watch this space...

[Raphael]

I am ashamed, that I have had no real girlfriend up to date. (I'm 22 years old)
I am ashamed, that I've not yet been able to open up enough to openly express my sexuality.
In this area of my life, I think, I am afraid of the judgement of society. It's so paradoxical that everyone has got these sexual desires, but that it's repressed. On the other hand it's also clear, cause it's a good way to oppress people.

I've handled this pressure in other areas of my life very well and I'm looking forward to handling this one too, now.
This is the beginning My decision!
Thanks Steve, very important and amazing post!

[Savage]

Originally Posted by pterodactyl

While it is cathartic to share like this, is nobody worried that this information might be used against them? While I do agree with Steve's ideas, we all must live in the hard cold real world. These words and sentiments are wonderful, but with the click of a mouse anyone who bears you ill for any reason may be able to obtain information to use against you. Many of us have jobs that are crucial to our life paths, involving working for others who have power over us. I know Steve would encourage such a person to quit their job, but if that is not feasible because doing that work is an integral part of your path, then it is unwise, in my opinion, to share one's shame freely over the internet.

Share shame with a trusted source, not the whole world.

Why hide this info from your employer? Why try to work somewhere where you have to hide a part of yourself every day you go to work?

That makes no sense whatsoever. You're throwing away your real life in favor of an illusion. Why? Just to pay bills? That's ridiculous... not to mention totally soulless.

What can the world use against you that's the truth? If you have to turn your back on truth, you're the one with the real problem, not the world at large. The world is just reflecting back your inner conflict.

When you tell the truth, a lot more people will reach out to help you.

[Lena Carpenter]

Wow, that is a pretty radical idea. I've been thinking about it lately myself, how every time I look for a job, I feel so incredibly uncomfortable because I try to pretend to be "job material." I've pondered how it would go if I just tell the employer what is really on my mind. I wonder if it just might be undiplomatic and inappropriate, but so incredibly freeing too! Then I would never have to pretend to be anything that I'm not, and what's the worst thing that can happen? They won't like me and won't hire me. HA!

[Arboretor]

Originally Posted by Elfwing

Gods, I hope I'm not alone. I hope there's a name for this disorder somewhere. I KNOW it's a disorder, some kind of obsessive disorder, and I just want help. Or support.

I suggest you try EFT on your problem. It is something you can do on your own, without telling anyone. Perhaps it will help you. Here is a link, in case you haven't heard about it:

EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else

[Megan]

OK, I grew up in a cult. Ever see a chicken get pecked to death by the rest of the flock? Not good.

Do not, repeat, DO NOT do this if you are currently in a cult.

I'm not sure about doing it anyway, but don't do it if you're in an abusive group.

Trouble is, most people who are in abusive groups don't even know it.

I got labeled demon-possessed for questioning the leader (a big sin), and trust me, it's all downhill after that when your whole social network is the group.

Cult of Confession (Lifton 101)

Sins, as defined by the group, are to be confessed either to a personal monitor or publicly to the group.

There is no confidentiality; members' "sins," "attitudes," and "faults" are discussed and exploited by the leaders.

Even if not obviously promoted by the group, information is collected (usually automatically without set guidelines for collection) and fed to leadership.

Shameful past events may then be exploited to manipulate individual compliance or as evidence for disciplinary actions.

Information about those who leave the group is also exploited after they leave to enhance the milieu control. Sometimes, "sins" are confabulated to instill members with fear to decrease their chances of contacting dissidents or members who have left the group.

People with unresolved issues of shame are especially attracted to these types of groups, and indeed, there were some cults that developed out of some of these movements in the past.

When a person talks about themselves and personal facts, it is a natural response of the brain to shift from a faster, analytical brain wave speed (high or mid beta) into a slower, more suggestible one.

The process of confession, even if it is in regard to technical information, is naturally relaxing as it induces a slower brain wave pattern (alpha state).

This brain wave pattern, although it is associated with physical relaxation is also a highly suggestible state. After one has divulged personal information, the mind becomes far less critical as the mind is no longer in a largely analytical state.

Religious groups and sales people alike take advantage of this natural, physiologic effect of self-disclosure.

Vocal Self-Degradation

This element is associated with the previous element, the Demand for Purity. The Cult of Confession is a mode of open confession in front of the leader and is often in front of the group. It is intended to expose and rid the member of those impurities that the group so labels. What it amounts to, however, is open self-degradation.

This leads to exploitation of the member’s vulnerabilities. Under normal and appropriate circumstances, personal confession is therapeutic. In this situation, however, certain actions, weaknesses, thoughts and feelings are labeled as sinful and impure when, in fact, they are not. The member may even be pressured into confessing crimes that he or she has not committed.

A totalist group assumes to have a type of ownership of a person’s inner self. The member, consequently, views confession as a means of oneness with the group, and as a necessary means toward betterment of himself or herself.

Under Much Grace Blog: The Cult of Confession (Lifton 101)

Some of us may sit with our backs to the wall for the rest of our lives.

I guess that's my confession.

[lifetimelearner]

I don't feel any better for letting a few things out -I still feel ashamed that I did the things I did and I sometimes feel that I deserve to be fat and lonely because of what I have done in the past .

[pterodactyl]

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

"Why hide this info from your employer? Why try to work somewhere where you have to hide a part of yourself every day you go to work?"

Let's take the alarming case of those people here who are posting, in a public forum, that they have mental illness or have cheated on their spouses or have had thoughts of murder, etc. These things one would not in good conscience admit to one's coworkers because it would be stupid to do that. Now, imagine that one of those people has worked very hard to obtain a position that is leading them in the right direction in their lives. They generally enjoy their jobs, but they cannot control how others treat or perceive them, and if that job is competitive, any fuel for the fire is fair game. Should that person leave the environment because of a few bad apples? No, but in that case you have to be careful. Disclosing your dark and dirty secrets to people on a public web forum, and turning the whole world into your personal twelve step program is stupid. I'm actually a bit alarmed at all these responses. Do none of these folks have employers who do background checks, or anticipate that they might? I suppose if it comes down to that, then yes, you would need to own your mistakes. But why open yourself up to that? If you were a sex addict, mentally ill, etc., why in God's name would you ever share that information with your employer if you wanted to keep the job you worked hard to get?

I am not saying it's wrong or stupid to open up and share. Far from it! But do so wisely. Not everyone is in Steve's position, nor should everyone want or aspire to be.

This has nothing to do with soulless environments and evil employers--it's about being smart and managing your future. Like it or not, there are people in the world who will, for absolutely no reason, do what they can do to undermine you. Why not protect yourself from that? Sure, share all you want with trusted friends and advisors--that is why they are trusted. I am just encouraging others to be intelligent about accomplishing their goals. I'm sorry, but I don't think the world is a big wide open friendly place, and wanting or pretending that it is so is not going to make it so.

[newmark]

Originally Posted by dinc

Hmmm. I've always wondered what you would say to a pedophile regarding love. You've mentioned in previous blog posts that one should not block one's wants. They must be acknowledged, and they will never truly disappear...

Any comments on this?

Dinc, sometimes some desires should be repressed at any cost to oneself. Attraction to children is one of them because of the huge damage that can come out of this.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by pterodactyl

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

"Why hide this info from your employer? Why try to work somewhere where you have to hide a part of yourself every day you go to work?"

Let's take the alarming case of those people here who are posting, in a public forum, that they have mental illness or have cheated on their spouses or have had thoughts of murder, etc. These things one would not in good conscience admit to one's coworkers because it would be stupid to do that. Now, imagine that one of those people has worked very hard to obtain a position that is leading them in the right direction in their lives. They generally enjoy their jobs, but they cannot control how others treat or perceive them, and if that job is competitive, any fuel for the fire is fair game. Should that person leave the environment because of a few bad apples? No, but in that case you have to be careful. Disclosing your dark and dirty secrets to people on a public web forum, and turning the whole world into your personal twelve step program is stupid. I'm actually a bit alarmed at all these responses. Do none of these folks have employers who do background checks, or anticipate that they might? I suppose if it comes down to that, then yes, you would need to own your mistakes. But why open yourself up to that? If you were a sex addict, mentally ill, etc., why in God's name would you ever share that information with your employer if you wanted to keep the job you worked hard to get?

I am not saying it's wrong or stupid to open up and share. Far from it! But do so wisely. Not everyone is in Steve's position, nor should everyone want or aspire to be.

This has nothing to do with soulless environments and evil employers--it's about being smart and managing your future. Like it or not, there are people in the world who will, for absolutely no reason, do what they can do to undermine you. Why not protect yourself from that? Sure, share all you want with trusted friends and advisors--that is why they are trusted. I am just encouraging others to be intelligent about accomplishing their goals. I'm sorry, but I don't think the world is a big wide open friendly place, and wanting or pretending that it is so is not going to make it so.

What can I say? I totally reject that whole mindset. I can't imagine any conscious human being wanting to live like that. Are human beings so beaten down these days that they feel they must hide the truth in order to garner shallow acceptance from false friends? This is high scool level thinking. It's time for us to grow up and get past it.

If you have to hide the truth to maintain a job, you're a phony to begin with. Your job is based on false pretenses. Better to tell the truth, get fired, and go to work with more conscious people instead of being surrounded by the dregs of society, regardless of how well-dressed they may be. Then you can do more meaningful work, like by helping to transform society so people don't have to live like that.

Success without truth isn't success.

[pterodactyl]

To be clear, I am not advocating hiding who you truly are. You can be yourself without sharing every single thing about you. I am advocating not openly divulging information which could give others reason to attack, harm or doubt you. Perhaps I am misinterpreting you, but you seem to value all-or-nothing endeavors--open yourself completely, or get out! I am only advocating a middle way, basic common sense, which is to be cautious about self-disclosure. Your view seems so disconnected from my reality that I find it increasingly difficult to apply what you are teaching. I began reading your posts because I was interested in your approach in promoting and generating self-discipline, integrity and authenticity, and found that it worked for me. You had, in my opinion, a very logical and well-reasoned methodology which was backed up by research and I appreciated it. However, your excursions of late into all this spiritualism, extreme diet stuff and now this insistence that others follow your path or they are following the wrong path are difficult for me to embrace.

Speaking of meaningful careers, I have been working in the areas of cancer, neurological and HIV research for almost half of my life. I'm not a personal development guru, but perhaps my work will help at least one sick person someday. I am sure you would find this kind of work meaningless.

A few years ago, I was looking for good advice on improving my time management and sleep habits and I found your blog. Your work helped me a lot then, but I guess now is a sign that it's time to move onward again and seek out other resources. However, I know that your blog and these forums will continue helping others quite a lot and I thank you for your devotion to them.

Good luck Steve, and thanks again.

[AlwaysLearning]

I posted some "shameful" things on my blog:

Some Things I'm Ashamed Of

"shame" probably isn't the right word, because I'm not really ashamed of anything I've ever done. However, there are things which, whether or not we're ashamed of them, we hide because we're afraid they go too contrary to societal norms. That's what most of my items are-- slaps to the face of society's traditional life blueprint.

[CroMagna]

1. I think it's nice to share one's problems with trusted friends. But I don't see the point of telling everyone everything. Who is that other person to dole out the acceptances? What makes them think I accept everything about THEM? I don't accept someone telling me he molests children for example. Why put myself in a position where I'm begging for others' acceptance anyway? If I avoid you, it may not be that I'm reluctant to get rejected, it could simply mean that I'm rejecting YOU. "Tolerance is Resistance to Love".

2. A bisexual lady once told me "you know how superheroes sometimes have invisibility power? Well if I could have any one superhero power, it'd be my ability to be gay." That made a lot of sense to me. Invisibility is powerful. It makes you less vulnerable to attack, just like with special effects in movies.

3. That's as far as strangers go. In terms of friendship, I agree with what you're saying about attracting fake friends. That's why I choose to keep few friends. I would rather have a few true blues than a bunch of fakers. It's no coincidence that most of my friends are either male or bi women. They're more open-minded about sexuality as I'm extremely sensitive to the sexual double standard.

4. As far as work goes, that's why I've been having such a huge problem deciding on a career. It's one thing to not bother with strangers, it's another thing when you're talking about where you spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for decades. I don't come across as friendly in office situations. I come off as aloof. I don't like pretending to like those who I feel do not support who I am as a person. Why should I pretend to be a friendly team player with a bunch of bigots? You think these people would accept the fact that I'm a Satanist? No, I would be instantly fired, no questions asked. To me, that level of tolerance of other people is abuse. So now I have my work cut out for me in figuring out what to do with my life

[dinc]

Originally Posted by newmark

Dinc, sometimes some desires should be repressed at any cost to oneself. Attraction to children is one of them because of the huge damage that can come out of this.

I subscribe to this belief. I was wondering how Steve would reconcile this with his current philosophy.

[dali]

I feel shame/ ashamed sometimes when I write a post and feel unpopular.
Ashamed that I want to be liked.
Its a big feeling and I dont know what to do about it but I am glad to have come accross this thread and jolly well glad to spit this son of a gun out!! You have no idea how debilitating it is.
Feels better already.

I couldnt stop laughing at one of the girls posts above who said her grandparents would have liked all gays executed. SOOOO funny. I can picture their faces. It takes all sorts. Great thread, Steve. Thanks.

[geekchic9]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

What can I say? I totally reject that whole mindset. I can't imagine any conscious human being wanting to live like that. Are human beings so beaten down these days that they feel they must hide the truth in order to garner shallow acceptance from false friends? This is high scool level thinking. It's time for us to grow up and get past it.

If you have to hide the truth to maintain a job, you're a phony to begin with. Your job is based on false pretenses. Better to tell the truth, get fired, and go to work with more conscious people instead of being surrounded by the dregs of society, regardless of how well-dressed they may be. Then you can do more meaningful work, like by helping to transform society so people don't have to live like that.

Success without truth isn't success.

You're completely right, Steve. People write stuff like that -- hell, I nearly posted something like that -- because we're scared of how other people will judge us. We're afraid they'll judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves. We'll coach it in practicalities like 'keeping a job' or 'maintaining relationships', but the utter, blatant, blunt truth is that we're cowards. We'd rather stay in the dark than face the light. And when people like you come in with a flashlight, daring us to expose ourselves -- well, that sends us running.

Oddly enough, I'm going to stay. I'm staying because I know that I'm not strong enough to handle the rejection that I fear so much, and because perhaps if I hang around here enough, one day I will be. And maybe one day I will stop punishing myself for my mistakes and lapses of poor judgment. There's always hope.

[BeyondtheWrap]

Several of the things I might be ashamed of directly involve another person. How then could I reveal my secrets if they are not mine alone? Make a mutual agreement to tell? What if the other person wishes it to remain hidden? Or try to tell it but leave the identity of the other person in the story a secret? That wouldn't work so well when their identity could be easily guessed.

[Ecce Homo]

Originally Posted by dali

I feel shame/ ashamed sometimes when I write a post and feel unpopular.
Ashamed that I want to be liked...

You're a brave soul, dali! Thanks for sharing this!!!

[Permafrost]

It's weird but I don't really feel any deep shame over anything I've done, and there are many questionable incidents.

-seeing underage girls working as prostitututes
-stealing from my parents
-sleeping with someone's boyfriend - only mitigating circumstance is he was in an 'open relationship' at the time.

I used to wonder if I HAD a conscience through my teen years, but it grew with time. Now I do regret hurting other people, but have forgiven myself and come to terms with it so deeply that no one else's opinion of me can possibly matter. They were all experiences of my growth and can't be judged anymore. They just were, and I am living here and now. Anyone else cultivate their conscience slowly?

[Eric Revelin]

Originally Posted by Permafrost

I used to wonder if I HAD a conscience through my teen years, but it grew with time. Now I do regret hurting other people, but have forgiven myself and come to terms with it so deeply that no one else's opinion of me can possibly matter. They were all experiences of my growth and can't be judged anymore. They just were, and I am living here and now. Anyone else cultivate their conscience slowly?

I had the opposite. I had an overactive conscience. I didn't always act in accordance with it (in fact it was impossible for me to do so) and I'd relentlessly torment myself for every slip up. For instance, I was raised in an environment where sexuality wasn't exactly taboo but it wasn't something that was welcome either, and I was very confused over whether or not masturbation was a sin. It didn't matter, though, because lustful thoughts and pornography definitely were, and I never had one without the other. There were nights when I cried my eyes out, praying that God would have mercy on me for my lack of self-control. I was convinced that I was in danger of going to hell.

This extended to very minor things, even small disagreements between me and another person. I felt that if I wasn't what other people wanted me to be, I was somehow wronging them and I would face their wrath or God's wrath somewhere down the line. I really, really wanted to do the right thing, but the right thing was a standard no sane entity could ever hold himself to.

Internally I began to stand against that during my mid-teens, but I never spoke out when I really felt like I should have. That's probably my greatest shame: my dishonesty with those around me (and with myself) concerning my true beliefs from the ages of 16 to 18. It wasn't like I was just another face in the crowd; I had my church convinced that I was still one of them and I maintained that facade out of a mis-placed sense of obligation (I played along for my mother's sake) and fear of what would happen if I didn't. I'm convinced that caving into that fear is what put me into a state of limbo in the years since I left that behind me. I walked away, but as a coward. It isn't imperative that I'm always understood but it's incredibly important that I never compromise myself like I did during that time.

My other great shames, so to speak, can be seen in the self-analysis I posted on my blog to try and help other people piece their thoughts together. To give a summary of that post, it included seeking love and then scorning it, refusing helpful resources and reasonable solutions, and it was all motivated by the thought, "I don't deserve to exist."

The post can be found here: Personal Anarchy: Analysis

That kind of thinking resulted in a lot of missed opportunities over the course of my relatively short life. On the bright side it doesn't look like I'm anywhere near exhausting my potential opportunities, so my history serves as a very handy reference guide. It's just a shame that I nearly threw my life away.