What I Learned From Going Bankrupt in My 20s That Proves to Be Immensely Valuable in

[Neblasian]

Steve,

Why are you trying to make big men cry? This is one of the most heartwarming stories I have ever read. Thanx I really needed this.



Regards

[tekomino]

Steve,

This is nice article. I'd like to add different perspective. Doing what you love is certainly nice, but not required.

Actually, I will go out on the limb and say that sometimes you should not do what you love! Gasp! Let me explain.

Friend of mine, for longest time is trying to be musician, a singer. But he is not successful. Why? He just can't sing good! He loves it, but he will never make living doing it becouse he just misses raw ingredients necessary for it. Well, unless he starts rapping...

Often there are impediments, physical like lack of good voice, or situational, like selling ice to Eskimos that are in the way for us to do what we love to do.

My take on this is little different. Do what you are good at instead. What you are good at and what you love doing are not necessarily same things.

I believe that we enjoy and are happy doing what we are good at. It is not necessarily what you love the most, but if you do what you are good at, and do quality work, the love will develop and deepen on its own.

On the closing notes, we over-emphasize the role that our skills contribute to our successes, but over-exaggerate the impact of the situation on our failures. The actuality is that both always play a role. You need right skills and right situation to succeed.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Whoa, Jim. You read quite a bit more into my text than what was actually there.

I guess I did... perhaps I need to re-calibrate my trigger

I imagine the issue of videogame violence and the media must be a hot button issue for you for this statement to trigger such a reaction.

It is a bit of a hot button issue for me, because making games still is my livelihood.

And things are getting a bit silly! Ohio spent millions from their healthcare budget defending an anti-game law that they knew would be shot down in court. Germany is considering laws that will make the development of video games that include violence a crime.

That's just sooo wrong! I really don't like the idea of being thrown in jail for having worked on a game that allows you to shoot a few bad guys...

I'm hoping that everyone will come to their senses on this eventually... in the meantime I feel compelled to set the story straight when there's talk of a link between video games and real world violence.

[alexb5784]

I am so thankful for all the great articles. That's it

[Angela]

Originally Posted by tekomino

Friend of mine, for longest time is trying to be musician, a singer. But he is not successful. Why? He just can't sing good! He loves it, but he will never make living doing it becouse he just misses raw ingredients necessary for it. Well, unless he starts rapping...

One of Steve's points is that it's a mistake to collapse together "making a living" and "doing what you love."

I hope your "friend" pursues living a life he loves, despite your judgement and lack of support. I hear a lot of stories of celebrities having been told when they were starting out that they'll never make it!

[Trezker]

Originally Posted by tekomino

Friend of mine, for longest time is trying to be musician, a singer. But he is not successful. Why? He just can't sing good! He loves it, but he will never make living doing it becouse he just misses raw ingredients necessary for it. Well, unless he starts rapping...

Here in Sweden we have a very famous and popular artist that can't sing for ****. Personally I hate his guts because I cringe and feel sick every time I hear his awful squealing. But people in general love him because "he's so happy and puts on great live shows".

Basically, you're wrong.

[tekomino]

Originally Posted by Angela

I hope your "friend" pursues living a life he loves, despite your judgement and lack of support.

You are presuming a lot but there is no need to correct you...

Point I was trying to make is that what we "love" is changeable. Its a fickle thing. If we are good at something and we keep doing it and improving it we'll start loving it.

Originally Posted by Trezker

Here in Sweden we have a very famous and popular artist that can't sing for ****. Personally I hate his guts because I cringe and feel sick every time I hear his awful squealing.

Indeed that is possible, but market doesn't support many of such edge cases. Or does everyone in Sweden sings badly?

The singer you are quoting found a way to provide value for his audience besides singing, and audience determined that what he provides is worth to them certain amount of $$$...

Point is that unless what you love doing provides value to others you will not be compensated. If you have family to feed, you have to start thinking...

[Steve Pavlina]

Podcast #20 explains why skills/talents are the wrong place to start... and why it's best to start with your desires.

[Rapid]

Hi, Steve. Phenomenal post! Your article hit so many places; I started to get choked up while reading it. Currently I'm that transition stage - going from pursuing "should" goals to healthier goals.

Originally Posted by Wreck

How would one go about finding the answer to this question?

Honestly, I would say go on a guided vision quest if you can afford it (I had to charge my trip on my credit card). I recently posted about my experience (do a search on "Fasting Success Story") in the "Health" forum. The trip was absolutely worth it! Some powerful things happen when you are alone in nature for a couple of days and away from the distractions of everyday life (including eating). Besides the healing and self-realizations that occurred, I also started to be able to listen to my inner wisdom. If you don't want to spend that many days away, maybe try spending time alone in nature - at a safe place - for a day and see what happens. Ask the questions that you want answers to. It's probably not going to be as effective but perhaps give it a shot.

Prior to the trip, one of my goals for this year was to compete in Toastmasters speech contests and eventually (within a couple of years) become the World Champion. Well, during my solo time, I realized that I really don't care about going through the steps to become World Champion. I just wanted to teach and mentor people. It's amazing the kinds of wrong goals that you adopt just because people who achieve them are cool in your eyes.

For the past 12+ years, I've had a couple of minor successes but a long string of what people would call failures (lessons) in various areas of my life. Having returned from my vision quest, I've proceeded to make changes in my life - dropping old stuff and starting over in essence. It's a little scary, but I'm willing to put my trust in life/universe that things will work out if I follow what I love and be guided by my inner wisdom.

[coollikeme]

It comes at a time in my life. Where I really needed to here this. Times are tough right now. It just seems like everything is fighting against what I what to do. I am writing this from an A&P in New Jersey because I don't have a home. My wife and I have been living from hotel to hotel for 2 month now. What I read here today will help me refocus, and go after what I what. Thanks Steve. Thanks a Lot.

[impaul99]

Originally Posted by tekomino

Point I was trying to make is that what we "love" is changeable. Its a fickle thing. If we are good at something and we keep doing it and improving it we'll start loving it.

I would argue the opposite. I would say that if we love something and we remove the obstacles in our way of doing it, we will eventually learn to be good at it even if we completely suck at it when we start.

History is full of examples of people who had "legitimate excuses" for not having what it takes to be good at something according to society's standards and they still made it because they loved it so much.

For example, Muggsy Bogues measuring just 5 feet 3 inches wanted to play basketball in the NBA. Everyone told him he's too short. Go type his name into YouTube and you'll see what he thought about that.

From my direct life experience I have found that if I pursue something that I love, I eventually get really good at it even if originally I suck at it. However, if I pursue something I'm good at but don't love, there is no guarantee that I will start to love it. In fact I don't know of anything I began to love doing in this fashion.

[tekomino]

Originally Posted by impaul99

I would argue the opposite. I would say that if we love something and we remove the obstacles in our way of doing it, we will eventually learn to be good at it even if we completely suck at it when we start.

It works both ways and probably many other ways too. There is no single way to happiness. What works for you does not work for everybody. Perhaps the things you are good at naturally were in alignment with things you love to do. Perhaps things you thought you are good at you actually sucked at, but nobody told you...

What we love to do changes. At some point you want to start game studio at another you like to preach personal development. Did Steve start liking writing about personal development becouse he got positive feedback on his first articles while he run game business? Maybe, maybe not... I don't think even Steve knows or would admit since it is not in his line of belief right now.

I am just making statements based on my observations and experience. Though if you guys don't like it

[ellie]

Originally Posted by tekomino

Steve,

Friend of mine, for longest time is trying to be musician, a singer. But he is not successful. Why? He just can't sing good! He loves it, but he will never make living doing it becouse he just misses raw ingredients necessary for it. Well, unless he starts rapping...

I would have a guess, that this really isn't his passion, he thinks it is, but deep down that's not the case.

The reason I say this, is that I thought I had a passion for design and persued it for many years, but when I really looked honestly at myself, there was not really any passion for it. It was more to prove to myself that I could be good at design and to receive accolades. I got those things, but it actually doesn't make me happy. I had to really look deep within myself to see the "real" truth.

Originally Posted by Rapid

Honestly, I would say go on a guided vision quest if you can afford it (I had to charge my trip on my credit card). I recently posted about my experience (do a search on "Fasting Success Story") in the "Health" forum. The trip was absolutely worth it! Some powerful things happen when you are alone in nature for a couple of days and away from the distractions of everyday life (including eating). Besides the healing and self-realizations that occurred, I also started to be able to listen to my inner wisdom. If you don't want to spend that many days away, maybe try spending time alone in nature - at a safe place - for a day and see what happens. Ask the questions that you want answers to. It's probably not going to be as effective but perhaps give it a shot.

Sounds good. I did a similar thing but for free Basically you just to your lowest point, where you don't care anymore and you are able to let everything go. It's at that point that you come to realise who, and what you really want in life.

You should watch the movie "Into the Wild" based on a true story. It was quite an amazing story. At the time I came away from that movie feeling a bit lost, but it left some really good questions in my mind about the human race.

"Based on a true story. After graduating from Emory University in 1992, top student and athlete Christopher McCandless abandoned his possessions, gave his entire $24,000 savings account to charity and hitchhiked to Alaska to live in the wilderness. Along the way, Christopher encounters a series of characters who shape his life. "

[Monique7nuns]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Delete everything before the comma and you'll have a more accurate truth.

A job you don't love is indeed a cage. Doing work you love is like donning a pair of wings.

If you already own a digital camera, you can take as many photos as you want for free. If not you can probably borrow a camera from someone. There are lots of idle cameras out there.

A lack of money can't stop you from teaching. Jesus was broke and he seemed to garner quite a number of students. You don't need degrees or a classroom to teach. Just teach, even if you're only talking to the animals at first.

That sounds like a reasonably good idea. I only see one problem with it.

It's complete and utter B.S. In fact, I'm quite certain that's the biggest piece of B.S. I've seen this whole month -- and I get exposed to quite a lot of it.

You're lying to yourself.

Do you really think a job you hate is going to dig you out of $130K of debt? No chance. You have more hope of winning the lottery.

Take some photos and teach if that's what you love to do. That's your only hope of every being able to provide enough value and summon enough energy to reach a level of financial abundance.

Stop making excuses, stop giving in to your fear and doubt, and just go try it. What have you possibly got to lose?

If you don't have anyone to teach, ask the universe to send you a student you can help. You'll find one soon enough.

Forget about the debt for now. Just start doing what you came here to do.

Then go do a variety of things. No one is stopping you but you.

Isn't it silly to give away all your power to that tiny little minus sign in front of your net worth?

Then wander aimlessly until you find a direction that appeals to you. You don't have to be right on your first guess.

The best advice I can give you is to take a few days off, and just go out and do all the stuff that makes you happiest. Don't worry about money or a job or any of that. If other people react with disgust, tell them I gave you permission.

How about if you post some of your nature photos in this forum, so you can share a little of your passion with the rest of us??? And how about sharing some of your wisdom to teach someone here something that might help them? You have a ready-made classroom of hundreds of people.

Hey thanks a lot for the advice! I really do appreciate it.

A few months ago when I was freaking out about getting to this point (yes I manifested this destiny in an inadvertent, round-about way) someone else recommended I take a few days off and have fun. I didn't really follow through though because I was afraid to spend any money.. well, I was just pretty fearful when it came to doing anything.

I feel like I've already had way too many days off.. too many "unproductive" days, yet if it were possible to support myself financially without getting another one of those crappy jobs.. I'd feel like I'd retired happy cause the work I'd choose to do wouldn't seem like work at all.

Even though I do take what you said seriously regarding my idea of 'the only way out being w/lottery win or another crappy job'.. it made me laugh. I think it's because I detect a note of absurdity to my own reasoning.

At this point in time getting rid of the website business doesn't seem like the best idea. There are things about it I like and if it were to expand I'd much rather do it than the crappy job because it gives me more freedom PLUS it's my only source of income right now. I'd be cutting off the hand that feeds me.

Before I read the reply this morning, I went out and took more pics. I have an economy digital and have taken several this spring & summer. Here is one from May. There are more at Monique Sevenans Photography - Nature Compositions



I know there are ways in which I can improve and learn more about photography independently.. I guess I just get stuck when it comes to the actual "making a living" part. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter what I do as long as it enables me to do something I actually like doing better IE)taking pictures or painting. But on the other hand the way I begin to react to the crappy job makes me feel like I'm only spinning my wheels because I get too stressed out and end up not doing anything besides the job.

Today I received an email to set up an appointment for an interview to which I believe I could get a job. It's in a call center (where a lot of my job experience is) and part of me is thinking.. 'just do it to earn the money and get out on my own again'. Another part is screaming 'NOOOO! not call center hell again!' I haven't set up that interview but I have another interview tomorrow afternoon for a dispatcher position. The money would be very good if I make it through the lengthy application process and if I can get past my perception of it also potentially being a crappy job.. it could work. or Maybe I'm just fooling myself to think that.. I don't know.

As far as teaching goes I'd really love to help others heal and personally develop via painting like Aviva Gold does (Painting from the Source). BUT I feel that I have to walk the talk before I dole out any "wisdom". I mean who'd want to take advice or learn from.. well, I just think I need to save myself and earn that creditability first..

Thanks again so much for your wisdom! At this point the debt is abstract and unreal to me and well, no one including my debtors can't squeeze blood from a stone..

I think things will turn around. I'll keep trying.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Monique7nuns

As far as teaching goes I'd really love to help others heal and personally develop via painting like Aviva Gold does (Painting from the Source). BUT I feel that I have to walk the talk before I dole out any "wisdom". I mean who'd want to take advice or learn from.. well, I just think I need to save myself and earn that creditability first..

You can earn credibility by teaching. Offer free classes at first, or for just a small amount - if what you're offering is of value, word will get out! If it comes from your heart, it will be of value, because how many people do you know who are living completely from their heart? It is unique and special - as are you!

I have a friend who moved to WV. Because she's the alternative, new-age type - rare in that state! - she got asked to teach yoga. She knew next to nothing about yoga, had only taken a few classes herself. But she said, "Yes! If you'll pay for my training." They did; she now teaches several classes a week. Yoga was in her heart, and she knew it. If she had waited to say "yes", it wouldn't have happened for her.

[cylon]

I can relate to this article. For many years I told myself it was foolish to pursue my creative passion because money was not guaranteed, and the career I was in, if I put all my time and energy into it, I could have money.

Although it's scary, and I hesitate still, I have decided to put my free time towards developing my creative skills, and to pursue the passion. I worry that I'm "losing time" by not increasing my career skills, but I know I will regret not taking a chance on my happiness.

The simple fact is, people who may have less talent and ability than I do are making a living doing what I am passionate about. I owe it to myself to do what my soul keeps begging me to do.

[seeker5]

Steve,

Thanks so much for this article. It's so fascinating, the concept you can be dead broke, in debt by a huge amount, and yet, still have the rest of your life work out great.

I've carried the belief that if you're broke and in debt, then your life is ruined. That if you were in debt and broke, then you'd have no power and little freedom and that it would impact your whole life. Fascinating to hear of your story that it doesn't have to be that way - I had heard it before, but hearing your story in detail makes it much more real.

After thinking about your post, I also realized two other bad beliefs I had - that happen to be circular! One says that if I'm in debt and broke, I can't go do what I'd love to do. The other belief says if I'm working at a job I don't love, I refuse to do anything special to increase my income...! So I spent many years working jobs I didn't like...earning low income - unlike people who worked jobs doing what they didn't like, but yet focusing on increasing their income.

It's also fasinating for you to say that money doesn't equal power. I've always felt money was power, but more important, freedom. Hmm, I'll re-examine that belief.

So, I wonder, if you're single, without a wife or husband or family to help support you, how do you stay alive, with food, and shelter and keep on working on what you love to do? How would you have managed to do that if you didn't have Erin with you helping bring in income during those months you spent your time writing that your first full blown shareware game?

[Dan.Linehan]

Monique, I really like your portfolio on 7nuns. Is there a way to order prints? My apartment needs some color!

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by tekomino

Friend of mine, for longest time is trying to be musician, a singer. But he is not successful. Why? He just can't sing good!

First of all, it's "sing well".

Second of all, he can if he's determined.

Third of all, not everybody gauges this on the same criteria or values the same vocal qualities anyway. Not all singing is tailored to your preferences. If he truly enjoys his own voice, and continues to develop his own style, chances are good that he won't be the only one that likes it.

But please, keep shooting him down. It will make for a funny memory later on when you're still only doing things you "sort of" like.

[JohnR]

I really enjoyed this article Steve. I have made similar mistakes; not so costly in financial terms as yours, but costly in terms of time. In the end, time is perhaps all we have. How we use it or abuse it determines what we get from it.

I have spent a great deal of time trying to make a living doing things that I cultivated excitement for, but held no real passion for. I have lived life for all the wrong reasons. And I am here to say that you are right -- it doesn't work.

There seems to be some magic though in being honest with yourself about what you really want, and extending that honesty to others in the form of your chosen work. It is as if some unseen stars align in your inner universe to bring good things your way.

Perhaps that is what happens :-)

Best,
John
Self Help for Sensitive Souls — Zen-Moments

[impaul99]

Originally Posted by KeithHandy

First of all, it's "sing well".

Second of all, he can if he's determined.

Third of all, not everybody gauges this on the same criteria or values the same vocal qualities anyway. Not all singing is tailored to your preferences. If he truly enjoys his own voice, and continues to develop his own style, chances are good that he won't be the only one that likes it.

But please, keep shooting him down. It will make for a funny memory later on when you're still only doing things you "sort of" like.

Hey, if this guy can make it...

YouTube - William Hung-- She Bangs

[Trezker]

Originally Posted by tekomino

Indeed that is possible, but market doesn't support many of such edge cases. Or does everyone in Sweden sings badly?

The singer you are quoting found a way to provide value for his audience besides singing, and audience determined that what he provides is worth to them certain amount of $$$...

Point is that unless what you love doing provides value to others you will not be compensated. If you have family to feed, you have to start thinking...

Well, I think most mainstream music sucks. Just because everyone in a band can use their instrument properly doesn't mean they're making good music. It's my experience that those who do the best music have a hard time making a living because they're different. But maybe they just fail because they have no business sense...

Of course not everyone has to be an artist to work with singing. You could open a karaoke bar, that's popular and the customers will love it when he bar owner goes up to the stage. Especially when he sucks...

[rohnin]

Hi!
Thanks for the article!

Some questions:

• What games do you game today?
• What is your latest game named, if I would like to play it?

Thanks again

[earthanet]

Steve, I was just about to ask you to write about your bankruptcy! I was going to say that we can learn more from failure than from success, but after reading this excellent post, I've realized that I've been using the wrong definition of both. In reality, failure is giving too much power to society's definition of being poor as failure, and not giving enough power to my heart's desire. I've always been a nonconformist, but our social conditioning puts such emphasis on money and material things that it gets inside our brains without our noticing it. You've done a great job of explaining how true success doesn't mean getting rich OR living in poverty--it means giving up on money and material things as ends in themselves, and finding my creative energy, which is where the real power is.

Many of the responses to this post are heartbreaking--a lot of people out there are hurting right now. It's bad enough to be poor, but it's the shame that does the most damage. From personal experience, I can say that the best way out of this trap is to find your inspiration--not as an intellectual exercise ("I'd like to do X"), but to physically experience the joy of doing what inspires you, bookmark it with your brain, and come back to it as often as you can. Usually you have to actually do it to experience the joy of doing it, but even when you can't, you can tap into your body's physical reaction to it and bring it back whenever you wish. It's called imagination, and we can't save the world without it, so we'd all better get started!

[Steve Pavlina]

For me the key to enjoying abundance was to realize that abundance has nothing to do with money. It has to do with our ability to share our creativity with others.

When I realized I could enjoy this type of abundance no matter what, I was able to let go of my fear of being broke, homeless, financially destitute, etc.

This level of awareness started opening up to me when I was sitting on the beach, looking out at the ocean and realizing that this beautiful scene in front of me was free and could be enjoyed at any time. I realized that even while I was broke, I could still enjoy the beauty of nature, and I could still live a worthwhile life. I'd been giving my power to money, but I could just as easily choose to stop doing that. This taught me to hold onto my power, peace, and happiness regardless of circumstances.

If you think abundance = money, you'll never experience true abundance because you're casting it outside of yourself. Abundance is something you can start experiencing while you're totally broke or deep in debt. Of course once you get there on the inside, your external reality will transform as well. Just give it a few months or years to catch up.

[Hari.c]

Excellent article Steve.

[DivaLion]

Monique,

First of all, your photos are beautiful!

And two thoughts for you:

There's a photo artist I follow on LiveJournal who posts a photo every day that is for sale. She has some she sells only one print of, and others she'll do however many prints people order. I don't know how much of her living she makes this way, but I've seen a number of "SOLD!" tags on her posts, so she at least sells some of her work. LJ, Flickr/Picasa, and PayPal are all free to set up. I'm just sayin'. =)

Also, if you can get your hands on a copy of Paulo Coelho's novel The Witch of Portobello, I think it'll give you a whole new appreciation for teaching. I was struggling with preparing some workshops I was about to teach when I read that book, and I found myself drifting off the page regularly because my mind had started whirring with new insights and ideas based on what I read. I'll paraphrase one of the most relevant quotes for you: "But how can I teach that? I don't know anything about it." "If you teach only what you already know, then how will you learn anything from it?"

[JeromeX]

Originally Posted by tekomino

What we love to do changes. At some point you want to start game studio at another you like to preach personal development. Did Steve start liking writing about personal development becouse he got positive feedback on his first articles while he run game business? Maybe, maybe not... I don't think even Steve knows or would admit since it is not in his line of belief right now.

I don't know why you guys are against tekomino's obviously valid points. The passion can be certainly changed and cultivated.

I can relate to it. I would have never considered accounting and teaching as my passion, however, I have felt fulfilled recently to tutor accountants in using software such as Quickbookss, Access and Crystal Reports, etc, after quitting from corporation rat race.

I believe the key factor of passion is the positive feedbacks. If Steve got positive feedback and result from his first two adventures in video game business, he would keep that passion for a while. If he did not get positive feedback from his writing when he was still in game business, he might not want to change his career to blogger.

I would rather use Maslow's needs hierarchy to explain the passion and make the career decision. When you can not afford bread and milk, you would better solve your basic survival needs first before you start to pursue higer needs. Financial misery would not be able to justify the satisfaction of doing what you love.

What is passion? Passion is the activities that you can earn your self-esteem and self-realization from. Your passion is inspired and enforced by the positive feedbacks and results. You can not think out your passion. You have to try and experience it, including experience the feedback and result.

Skills and experiences are your very important assets and strength. You have to take them into consideration when you choose your career or business.

Also you need the courage to confront brutal facts, like what Jim Collins concluded in Good to Great. If the things did not work out, you have to face the reality, not just what you feel.

You can certainly love what you are doing. What you need is to change your mind, then your life will be changed.

This is a very inspired article, just like Podcast #20, thanks, Steve.

[Technicolor Tim]

I really enjoyed this article, Steve. I've been in the same kind of situation (actually, not quite as bad) and only fairly recently managed to climb out of it. I wish I could have shared my experience as elegantly as you did here. I'm sure this article will be a great source of inspiration for many, many people around the world.

Two thumbs up. I'm going to recommend this across the board.

[DivaLion]

I loved this post!

And I want to second (third? fourth?) what has been said here about how much things can change in only a year or two. Two years ago, I was dead broke. I'd been laid off as the result of a merger from a cushy consulting job that I liked well enough but wasn't *too* depressed to lose as I recognized that I'd asked the Universe to help kick me out of the nest, as it were, and I also knew I was stagnating there. But job-hunting was going so slowly, with a frustrating number of interviews for which I was one of the finalists but didn't get hired. I'd gone through my cash reserves and had to live on unemployment, which meant that after expenses, I could literally afford mac & cheese. I was willing my car to keep running, because it badly needed repairs for which I had no money.

In that time, I staffed two spirituality festivals so that I could go for free, and taught workshops I was very excited about at one of them. I also planned and ran a big event, and made my first short film, using entirely scrounged resources. (So I can also affirm the possibility of doing what you love when you can barely afford to eat!)

I focused my job hunt on two factors: It had to be a happy, positive working atmosphere, and it had to involve in some way the things that I love. Specifically, I targeted a nonprofit arts center in my area that I'd read about as a great place to work; since I love both the arts and nonprofit work, it was a good fit.

I knew I'd probably take a pay cut since I was switching fields. And I won't lie, when the HR person from the center called to give me the lowdown on salary and benefits, I listened to the number, thanked her, hung up, and cried. It was an amazing job, but I actually had to take a calculator to the budget to figure out if I could live on that amount, which was barely more than I was getting from unemployment. I was also somewhat overqualified for the job, but it was what was open, and I wasn't too proud to start at the bottom.

After all those months of searching, I had three job offers at once. The center, which was love for little pay; a position around the corner from my house that was pretty good pay but would definitely be "just a job"; and a new contract consulting on another team at my former client, which was a good atmosphere but "meh" work, and great money. I accepted the center job, reasoning that I could always find ways to make more money, but I'd never get back the time I would spend at a soulless job. Still, it definitely felt like I'd let go of the trapeze with only a hope of catching a new one and/or discovering whether or not there was a net!

Well, I have no regrets about my choice! This is hands down the best working atmosphere I've ever been in. I've been promoted to a job I'm largely creating for myself, supervising my old position (and making sure to support the personal/professional growth of the young woman who holds it now...we get along great and she calls me "Obi Wan". Hehe...) Part of my job is seeing great performances, I get classes and rehearsal spaces for free, my outside projects are supported and celebrated, I get to travel for work, and I spend my days in the company of driven, dynamic, creative people who I genuinely like as friends, not just coworkers.

Two years ago I was broke, hungry, and nearing desperation, hoping my car would get me to the next interview and the next one. Now, I'm not rich (in fact I did take on some freelance work on the side to build up savings again), but I live comfortably within my means. I have a new (used) car that some friends helped me to get, I just joined a gym and started dancing again, I have health insurance and a credit union, and in short things have turned around almost completely since those dark days. This year so far, I've taught four workshops with great success, planned and run a party at a festival, run a staff department at another festival, and I've been asked to write articles for a national publication and to teach a weekend intensive in the fall.

Thanks for the perspective...one of the things I continue to struggle with is the anxiety that the things I still want to accomplish are things that will take years and years to become a noticeable part of my life, that it's somehow all or nothing, just a holding pattern for years and then BOOM all at once. I was put on advanced tracks in school and there was always so much pressure to be a prodigy, to be ahead of everyone else...that's a hard mindset to shake, even after all these years. It was really helpful just to take that moment to look back over the last few years and see how dramatic the change has been, even though it feels gradual-- and also to see where things I wanted became part of my life and give me joy even before they started to take off.