How to Be a Man (Blog)

[cylon]

Steve this is a great entry. When not here I'm active on a men's board and I have to say your blog entry really sums up what we discuss there. I have linked this article there, so a lot of young (and not so young) men looking for direction are going to read it and get something from it.

There are a lot of men out there totally separated from their masculinity. They think it's wrong. That there is something wrong with their primal desires and instincts that they were born with as men.

This definitely comes out in our relations with women, and although you don't necessarily get into that too much here, I believe embracing your masculinity has the natural consequence of better relations with the opposite sex.

Many men today are unsure of who they are because they've been told masculinity is dangerous and from a different era. By following the principles you laid out we can move past that, embrace positive masculinity, and actually live the life that our deepest primal self is telling us, when we listen.

And THANKYOU for saying in your responses here that men and women are DIFFERENT, and that masculine energy is DIFFERENT from feminine energy. Because it is. It's why men and women are attracted to each other---because they are different.

[Fullcrum]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Erin is involved in a mastermind group that's all women. Erin loves it and gets a lot out of it. I once participated in the group for a few sessions last year, but I didn't like it. I thought they spent too much time talking about their feelings and not enough time figuring out what to do and holding each other accountable for action. I also felt like I couldn't really be myself with that group -- I felt like I'd scare or intimidate them if I talked about my real plans and goals, and that didn't seem fair to them. I'm sure they get along better without me too. Another guy also participated for a session or two but soon quit as well. On the other hand, when I hang out with a group of guys, especially growth-oriented ones, there's a different feel to that energy, and that feels more uplifting to me. For one, guys seems to tease each other a lot more, which I admit might seem a strange way of relating to each other.

I really feel the personal truth in this paragraph on a deep level. It's interesting that when we saw you in NYC in October, my father commented to me that you seemed a little "whimpy" (I think those were his words), but this post really doesn't give that impression at all. Hehe, cool . Glad he could be proved wrong. I think you were just tired that day, as you wrote before.

Anyway, I do feel that masculine energy and feminine energy are separate and distinct, at least at the level we're looking at them. I get this sense when interacting with people of different sexes...there is definitely a different vibe between a group of men, growth oriented or not, than between a group of women, or a group of mixed gender. When it comes to personal growth I definitely prefer the more "masculine energy" approach.

Here's a few examples of how this plays out with me:

When I pick music to excite me, pump me up, or whatever "uplifitng" purpose, I definitely choose more "masculine" sounding stuff. Feminine sounding music can definitely do all this stuff but for some reason it doesn't work as well on me.

I never really find myself with the urge to experience a "range of emotions" the way women do; I rather like maintaining a feel good state and expanding on THAT, rather than, say, getting a kick out of exploring feelings with my friends. Like "Oh that's so sad...TELL ME MORE!"

I really loved 300 and find myself quoting it at random times. Hahaha, woohoo!

...

I might sound "certain" of myself, but I'm open to anyone questioning anything I said. Let's grow here without getting our egos involved.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

I really feel the personal truth in this paragraph on a deep level. It's interesting that when we saw you in NYC in October, my father commented to me that you seemed a little "whimpy" (I think those were his words), but this post really doesn't give that impression at all. Hehe, cool . Glad he could be proved wrong. I think you were just tired that day, as you wrote before.

Definitely wasn't myself that day since I had a bad cold and was very fatigued. After the meet-up I went back to our hotel and slept. I was glad we did the meet-up, but I was pushing myself just to stay standing.

[Fullcrum]

You should come again.

And try our raw food restaurants.

The East Coast wants to see you in tip-top shape!

[Rachelle]

Originally Posted by Plato

I think this kind of mindset originates from the Homeric Greek philosophy... It basically says life is a stage for performing heroic deeds. Life is narrative for you to live out. ...

Heroic deeds are very much a manly desire and the priority of a masculine man's life.

Well, I personally find myself gravitating more towards setting the stage for performing 'heroic' deeds that affect and touch many, just not a few. Does that mean I have more masculine energy? Who knows.

I would say that, even though we *usually* have a distinct sex (i.e. one distinct set of genitals, unless of course you are a hermaphrodite or have had some kind of sex surgery), being a man or a woman is by no means a matter of black and white. We're all individuals who reside in the various shades of grey between both extremities of black and white.

[Plato]

Yeah, but if I understanf rightly, focussing entirely on one or the other is the most fulfilling way to be.

[24evita]

I guess I share a view common to very few in this conversation as I do not believe in separation or generalizing when it comes to the higher evolution of human beings.

I think the reason men would still get offended at feeling "wimpy" or women offended at being called "unfeminine" is because our egos are responding to what is considered normal in society.

We are the ones who instill in our baby boys from the beginning the idea of being "tough" and into girls "be a lady" and hence from the start beings on this Earth right now are not even fully able to express their true balanced and wholesome potiential.

It is ok for a girl to cry but heaven forbid a boy expresses his emotions. Likewise men are encouraged to embrace and express their sexuality openly whereas women are taught to repress theirs.

We have strongly ingrained this into society and I do not believe it has anything to do with the core of our nature. Sure there is masculine energy and sure there is feminine energy but many philosopher's and new age thinkers conclude that the reason our world is in such discourse today is due to the fact that there exists such a strong strereotype for men to be "men". Can you imagine how our world would be if men were more inspired and allowed to express their feminine energy. If we look deep enough to how we start bringing up boys and girls we should realize we are the ones who created this great division between the sexes, not nature.

So ultimately yes I agree with Steve when he says that perhaps the title should have been "how to use masculine energy" I think that would have been a bit better, but if we really want to start dropping the labels, the stereotypes and the separation then let us focus on " HOW TO BE A BEING".

[cylon]

Originally Posted by 24evita

Can you imagine how our world would be if men were more inspired and allowed to express their feminine energy.

I think we're living in that world right now. Men in this generation are indeed brought up to be more sensitive, more in touch with their feelings, more soft, gentle, feminine. Likewise, women are brought up to be more masculine, to be more tough, to fight like men.

And in our society, both men and women are shamed for their natural sexual impulses.

And the result is many men (and women) today are walking around with a huge identity crisis. At the most basic level, we are here to be our natural selves, reproduce, and continue the species. To embrace your natural male or female energy. When you are cut off from that, you are cut off from nature, and cut off from being who you should be.

If we were meant to be androgynous beings, then that's what we would be.

That's the way I see it. I have to say this is probably my favorite article from Steve so far. I hope men who are questioning if they should embrace masculinity, will read it and take it to heart.

[Rachelle]

Originally Posted by Plato

Yeah, but if I understanf rightly, focussing entirely on one or the other is the most fulfilling way to be.

I would respectfully disagree with this.
I know I would feel very unfulfilled if I focussed entirely on being "a woman" or on being "feminine".

I think it's up to each person to figure out and decide where along that black-grey-white scale they fit, and what is most fulfilling to them.

What is most fulfilling for one person may not at all be fulfilling to another.


I'm sure this can easily be tied in with the whole heterosexuality-homosexuality scale, as well. But that's a whole new can of worms.

[Dan Morelle]

Another sterling post, thanks Steve.

10. Die well. Seems taken from Samurai philosophy, is that your source or is this from personal insight?

[Spartan]

I must admit I found this particular article offensive, preachy and damn right sexist. The general tone made me nauseous with indignation. Steve sounds like some fascist dictator.

The premise behind this argument is ludicrous. Men don't need to be told 'how to be a man'. Men are men by definition!

Also, if you categorize people by gender and believe each category should act in a certain way, that's prejudice based on gender, i.e. sexism.

Steve, are you advocating sexism?

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Dan Morelle

Another sterling post, thanks Steve.

10. Die well. Seems taken from Samurai philosophy, is that your source or is this from personal insight?

I haven't really read anything about Samurai culture, so I can't say it came from there. I've written previous articles about how an acceptance of death can sharpen the act of living, such as Life After Death.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Spartan

The premise behind this argument is ludicrous. Men don't need to be told 'how to be a man'. Men are men by definition!

Men are males by definition. I believe when Steve says MAN, he is referring to the ideal of a male getting his life together and achieving something, becoming a man.

Sexism is the belief that one sex is superior to the other. Enhancing the strengths you have in your given sex is self-improvement, has nothing to do with diminishing someone else.

Like I said earlier, this post was nothing but positive. Yet men (males) are confronted with the notion these days that positive masculinity is the same thing as sexism. Not healthy.


But I'll let Steve speak for himself, if he bothers.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Steve, are you advocating sexism?

No, I advocate conscious living.

Men and women have a lot in common, but we also seem to have some interesting differences. I don't consider it sexist to openly explore those differences.

Obviously some of our differences are culturally and socially conditioned. But when men and women push beyond such conditioning and make conscious choices, do they still have some meaningful gender differences, or do those differences dissolve?

I honestly don't know, but I suspect that it's likely that conscious men and women will frequently have some key differences that align based on gender.

As a man I want to learn more about the perspective of women who are also devoted to conscious living. Is their perspective very similar to mine and other conscious men, or are there key differences to understand? What can we learn from each other?

Call me ignorant or disrespectful for asking the question, but I'll continue to pursue it despite any negative feedback. To do otherwise would run contrary to my purpose. My curiosity is greater than my concern about being labeled a certain way.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by cylon

Sexism is the belief that one sex is superior to the other.

Wrong. That is one particular prejudice that comes under the category of sexism.

Wikipedia defines sexism as below:

Sexism is commonly considered to be discrimination and/or hatred towards people based on their sex rather than their individual merits, but can also refer to any and all systemic differentiations based on the sex of the individuals.

Sexism can refer to subtly different beliefs or attitudes: the belief that one gender or sex is inferior to or more valuable than the other (male and female chauvinism); hatred or distrust towards the opposite or same sex as a whole (misogyny and misandry); imposing stereotypes of masculinity on males or femininity on females.[1]

[1] Brittan, Arthur (1984). Sexism, racism and oppression. Blackwell, 236.

[Ecstasy]

Very good article. Reminds me of the central ideas in Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. One of the books I think every man should read.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Wrong. That is one particular prejudice that comes under the category of sexism.

Ok.

[Savage]

Sexism is commonly considered to be discrimination and/or hatred towards people based on their sex rather than their individual merits, but can also refer to any and all systemic differentiations based on the sex of the individuals.

That's a poor definition.

According the the above definition, the statement "Men can't get pregnant, but women can" is sexist. It certainly qualifies as a systematic differentiation. So anyone who makes such observations is sexist? That doesn't align with common sense. Maternity wards would have to be considered bastions of sexism then.

You'll find more accurate definitions of sexism in standard dictionaries. Sexism has more to do with stereotyping of social roles than with observing obvious gender differences.

The word sexism is typically used in a fear-based context anyway. It really doesn't help us much in the pursuit of conscious growth. It's better to bypass such labels when seeking truth. Otherwise we just run around in circles of worry, trying in vain to avoid offending each other's socially conditioned sensibilities.

There's no reason to fear an exploration of gender differences. Those who get offended can always bow out.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

No, I advocate conscious living.

Men and women have a lot in common, but we also seem to have some interesting differences. I don't consider it sexist to openly explore those differences.

Obviously some of our differences are culturally and socially conditioned. But when men and women push beyond such conditioning and make conscious choices, do they still have some meaningful gender differences, or do those differences dissolve?

I honestly don't know, but I suspect that it's likely that conscious men and women will frequently have some key differences that align based on gender.

As a man I want to learn more about the perspective of women who are also devoted to conscious living. Is their perspective very similar to mine and other conscious men, or are there key differences to understand? What can we learn from each other?

Call me ignorant or disrespectful for asking the question, but I'll continue to pursue it despite any negative feedback. To do otherwise would run contrary to my purpose. My curiosity is greater than my concern about being labeled a certain way.

I would suggest taking a course in gender studies if you wish to learn more about this topic - to study perceived differences in gender is fine.

I'm not denying that there may be certain differences between genders that could be statistically backed up.

However, to write an article that espouses dogmatic principles for men to live by if they are to be accepted as men is going a bit too far.

Imposing that one should live a certain way in order to be accepted as a man crosses the boundary between advocating 'conscious living' and advocating 'sexism'.

[cylon]

Steve you're brave for writing that entry, I know you would have done it anyway, because...

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

A man doesn’t require the approval of others. He’s willing to follow his heart wherever it leads him. When a man is following his heart-centered path, it’s of little consequence if the entire world is against him.

but I still say you're brave for putting it out there, knowing in advance you're going to get responses ranging from my "good stuff man" to "good post but it could be women too" to "you need sensitivity training", lol.

Take life seriously but don't take yourself all that seriously.

[Savage]

Crossing socially conditioned boundaries is a good way to stimulate growth. People enjoy more personal growth when their expectations are violated. When people's expectations are fully satisfied, growth cannot occur. Old patterns are simply reinforced but not changed.

When our expectations are violated, learning occurs. When we're challenged with strong statements (even those we may consider offensive), we're compelled to reconsider our own position on the subject.

My goal isn't to get people to agree with me. It's to encourage people to consciously rethink socially conditioned notions.

I've seen repeatedly that strongly worded articles stimulate more growth in people than more balanced pieces, so I continue to write such articles intentionally because I know this practice benefits more people.

[Jeff Lilly]

Fascinating post.

I think it very likely that when our spirits are not incarnated as physical beings, we are essentially genderless. So why do we incarnate as gendered beings? The fact that we do incarnate as one or the other indicates that the distinction is meaningful and useful for our growth...

But I think it's probably better to think not in terms of being a man or being a woman -- just as one should avoid thinking of oneself as being a Buddhist or a Christian or an American... It's just another label, and we are larger than labels. Instead, we should ask how the gender we've chosen can enhance our experience today, in this life.

On a related note:

Steve, would you say this article applies to homosexual men? How about homosexual women? Are you going to open up the challenge to people who may want to write "How to Be a Homosexual Man?"

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

When our expectations are violated, learning occurs. When we're challenged with strong statements (even those we may consider offensive), we're compelled to reconsider our own position on the subject.

I agree. And the exchange happening in this thread, in my opinion, is EXACTLY why what you wrote in the blog needs to be out there for men to read (and why I linked to it in the other site, which is guys just HUNGRY for this type of positive masculinity). There was nothing even remotely offensive about it (imho) yet some guy is going to see the title and instantly feel a sense of shame and guilt that he doesn't deserve to have. And if he reads further perhaps he'll reconsider his own position.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Crossing socially conditioned boundaries is a good way to stimulate growth. People enjoy more personal growth when their expectations are violated. When people's expectations are fully satisfied, growth cannot occur. Old patterns are simply reinforced but not changed.

What our expectations are violated, learning occurs. When we're challenged with strong statements (even those we may consider offensive), we're compelled to reconsider our own position on the subject.

My goal isn't to get people to agree with me. It's to encourage people to consciously rethink their socially conditioned notions.

Increasing awareness of prejudice based on gender doesn't hamper personal growth. It instead dispels stereotypes and improves gender equality.

Sexism is a prominent moral issue that is still gaining awareness.

I would suggest that the 'socially conditioned' paradigm is the one you're espousing. A paradigm free of sterotypes based on equality is the way forward.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Jeff Lilly

So why do we incarnate as gendered beings? The fact that we do incarnate as one or the other indicates that the distinction is meaningful and useful for our growth...

Good point.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Jeff Lilly

Steve, would you say this article applies to homosexual men? How about homosexual women? Are you going to open up the challenge to people who may want to write "How to Be a Homosexual Man?"

I thought about requesting such pieces, but I wanted to see how many people were willing to tackle the "How to Be a Woman" topic first. If there's a lot of interest, I may keep expanding beyond these topics.

Personally I've had a lot more interactions with straight men and women than with homosexual men and women, so posting anything about homosexuals gets a bit far beyond my experience. From what I've seen there are already some good homosexual bloggers tackling such topics, so I don't know if I can really add much to it. I generally prefer to write about topics where I have a lot of personal experience.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by cylon

I agree. And the exchange happening in this thread, in my opinion, is EXACTLY why what you wrote in the blog needs to be out there for men to read (and why I linked to it in the other site, which is guys just HUNGRY for this type of positive masculinity). There was nothing even remotely offensive about it (imho) yet some guy is going to see the title and instantly feel a sense of shame and guilt that he doesn't deserve to have. And if he reads further perhaps he'll reconsider his own position.

Cyclon, you are repeatedly masking your prejudices behind this guise of 'positive masculinity'.

[Savage]

It's true that men and women are equal in the sense that we're equally born. But it's clear that we have some key differences that are decidedly not equal.

Erin spent 1-1/2 years of her life pregnant. During that time it was obvious that our lives have serious inequalities.

Beyond basic human rights and social justice, the notion of gender equality is misguided.

A better concept than equality is the concept of fairness. In order to treat each other fairly, we must consciously consider our differences. This doesn't mean relating to each other with blind equality.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Cyclon, you are repeatedly masking your prejudices behind this guise of 'positive masculinity'.

I am saying men and women are different, that masculine energy and feminine energy are different, and I advocate embracing those differences. In the end, they are complimentary.

That's what I'm saying. Nothing more, nothing less.

Perceive my statements as you will.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

It's true that men and women are equal in the sense that we're equally born. But it's clear that we have some key differences that are decidedly not equal.

Erin spent 1-1/2 years of her life pregnant. During that time it was obvious that our lives have serious inequalities.

Beyond basic human rights and social justice, the notion of gender equality is misguided.

A better concept than equality is the concept of fairness. In order to treat each other fairly, we must consciously consider our differences. This doesn't mean relating to each other with blind equality.

Fairness implies consciously considering the differences of individuals, not imposing stereotypes of masculinity (or femininity). I favour fairness on an individual level.

As owner of the worlds most popular personal development site, you have a responsibility to uphold certain moral standards.

I think this article advocates sexism in the sense that it imposes stereotypes of masculinity that only serve to increase 'socially conditioned' prejudices, and decrease acceptance of the individual.