How to Be a Man (Blog)

[Bene]

Originally Posted by yossarian

One guy will do something insulting whatever it may be, like he'll insult me, and I'll just kind of stare at him and wait for the topic to change. Then he'll goad me and say,

"Cmon, fight back! Hit me! Tell me to F off!"

I'll usually shrug and reply, "What's the point?"

He will say, "To be a man! Punch me! Where are your balls?"

haha... I know what you mean. But what is ever the point in pushing back? What you resist always persists! I've learnt this the hard way. And the world needs to learn this too. So keep on doing what you're doing.
----
Edit:
Like Pequod, I resonate with what you say, Yossarian. I associate with the water element though instead of earth. Gentle most of the time but can unleash my energy when I am passionate about something.

Originally Posted by fullcrum

Steve, if you want to see high consciousness PUA stuff, I recommend the Blueprint Decoded from RSD. It's really high on the consciousness level and integrates such concepts as social conditioning, polarity, human nature, evolutionary phychology, and other concepts like Eastern philosophy into a coherent larger picture. Actually, I'd say it's hands down the best personal development product I've ever seen in my life. Hands down, no questions asked.

Thats quite high praise... I'll definately check it out at some point. I've been looking for a high consciousness pick-up guide for awhile now. Others that I've read focus on putting women and other men down which is such a turn off.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Of course you ARE a man. Who cares about how many of Steve's criteria you fit. Steve's post is one way amongst many to be a conscious man.

Maybe you have predominantly round energy (the one they call "feminine"), maybe it's just a matter of personality... who cares... Just be who you are. Genuine is sexy

I'm curious just because I'm so strange. It goes without saying that I'll always be myself, because that's the kind of stubborn bastard I am. This intrigues me because I've heard this so much, and now I figure perhaps there is a part of me I haven't fully come to know.

It's Steve's definition but in truth most guys give an even more "polarized" definition of what it is to be a man. Most guys would include stuff like the "You're not a man until you've been in a fist fight" rule, and the "A real man loves steak more than life itself" rule.

Here is my re-tooled version of Steve's 10 man-rules

1. Stand by your decisions no matter what.

Coke vs. Pepsi, Ford vs. Chevy. When a man chooses his truck brand he will not change his mind no matter how nice those damn Toyota's look.

2. Put the taste of your steak above your wife and kids.

A real man teaches his family to respect the barbecue. Even when there is a foot of snow on the ground, a real man will get out his apron with the boobs and cook a damn good steak. A real man doesn't know what a salad tastes like, salads are for steers and queers.

3. Get your ass kicked in a fist fight.

A wimp picks a fight with a weaker man, but a real man picks a fight with a bigger man. He knows that if he gets his ass kicked, it will only make him stronger.

4. Don't show your flaws.

When knocked down, he gets right back up and says, "Sir Yes Sir!" Most of all, a real man never cries or shows fear. He knows that showing fear is death itself.

5. Take what you want.

When a man sees a smoking babe, she is coming with him, whether she knows it or not. A real man doesn't back down from winning the prize, he expresses love actively.

6. Intimidate the weak.

When a real man walks into a room, everyone can feel it. Women feel drawn, wimps shrink away. A real man doesn't apologize for this, it's just how he is, baby.

7. Do X-Treme Sports

The ultimate way that a man expresses who he is is through X-treme sports. This is the ultimate manly challenge, and a real man is up to the task no matter how dangerous. When you challenge a real man to a game of chicken, you better be ready to swerve, because a real man will sooner die than live a coward.

8. Spank your friends.

A real man isn't scared to give another man the ultimate compliment - a firm pat on the ass. A real man isn't worried about being called gay, because he knows this is just how masculine men relate to each other. When a real man pats you on the back and you stumble and fall, that was just a test. If you pass the test, you are worthy of an ass smack. This brings us to our next point:

9. Bros before hos

Women are emotional and weak-willed. We men are stoic and strong-willed. Inevitably, our women will get old, cold, or crazy. When she gets old, a real man knows to find a younger woman. After awhile, every woman turns insane. They can't be reasoned with, and a real man knows to take control and dump that frigid ♥♥♥♥♥!

10. Die with your boots on.

There is no greater honor than dying in a speedo at Thermopylae. We pretend to be men, but the true men are the men who who die in combat, fighting for their right to own helots.

[cylon]

Yossarian, go with your gut. If you feel you want to have more masculine energy in your life, pursue that. Only you know what works for you. Women, in my experience, and in the experience of men I know, do not generally find themselves attracted to effeminate men. Affection, friendship, sure. But not genuine attraction.

Just like it may be rare for you to be attracted to a woman who is more masculine, has manly mannerisms and speech, etc.

Of course, if you are more feminine and passive, and find a woman who is more masculine and will lead you, then you may have a fit.

Often times people will say "just be yourself!" but realize it's learning to be your BEST self is what matters. If "yourself" is doubting, unsure, insecure, then being "yourself" is not much benefit. Only you know where you are in regards to that.

Embrace the part of you that is spiritual, that cares for others, and embrace the part of you that wants to howl at the moon and raise hell.
Unify yourself.

[Plato]

Originally Posted by Brutha

I don't think that is the case anymore.
The Blueprint Decoded isn't about manipulation tactics. It basically has no tactic that is focused on other people in it.

Equally he could have just got better at covering his tracks. I expect only people close to him could really tell.

[yossarian]

I certainly agree about the outward forms of life. I agree with you that few women are into me, for instance I may make a good first impression but once they get to know me I become friend-zoned. The difference between most guys and myself though, is that I'm ok with this. I don't feel inadequate because of it... don't get me wrong - I would love to be with a woman who suits me. But you see this is where I differ from Steve - while Steve would actively go out and track her down using every trick in the book and putting immense desire and energy into it, I am comfortable simply being myself without expectation.

Does this mean what I do is ideal? Well, I don't know. But this is how I am and this is how I'm comfortable, and I do feel a lot of joy and peace in my life. It's not like I'm depressed (although I certainly was depressed back when I judged myself by society's standards, but today that is just a distant memory).

If you have some criticism of me, please, I invite it. I'm not looking to be coddled

[cylon]

Originally Posted by yossarian

I become friend-zoned... I'm ok with this.

Sorry, I'm not buying that.

Originally Posted by yossarian

Steve would actively go out and track her down using every trick in the book and putting immense desire and energy into it, I am comfortable simply being myself without expectation.

No that's how a desperate guy would do it. Tricks are relied on by guys who are compensating for something, authentic masculine confidence. Confident masculine men have women pursue THEM.

No tricks dude. Everything you need, you have inside of you already, in potential form.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by cylon

Sorry, I'm not buying that.

You don't believe that meditation can satiate every worldly craving?

No that's how a desperate guy would do it. Tricks are relied on by guys who are compensating for something, authentic masculine confidence. Confident masculine men have women pursue THEM.

I certainly see the truth that confident masculine men have women pursue them. This makes lots of sense. But perhaps not all men were meant to have loads of women pursue them? Perhaps some men were just meant to find joy that is independent of circumstance?

The paradox of the PUA community is that they constantly exclaim how "if you try, you fail" and yet the whole community exists because people are desperately trying. Someone like me who doesn't strive to attain but rather strives for genuine unconditional love also "fails" or at least it appears so.

Perhaps striving is actually what achieves results? Certainly most accomplishments in the world were born of a genuine effort. And most guys consider women to be an accomplishment, whereas I really don't. I don't look at other humans and see objects to be used for pleasure, or as prizes, or as fulfillment mechanisms.

[Bene]

Originally Posted by yossarian

Perhaps some men were just meant to find joy that is independent of circumstance?

The paradox of the PUA community is that they constantly exclaim how "if you try, you fail" and yet the whole community exists because people are desperately trying. Someone like me who doesn't strive to attain but rather strives for genuine unconditional love also "fails" or at least it appears so.

If you believe in LoA, then you believe that your beliefs create your reality. I suggest working on your belief system rather than within it. Steve has written and spoken about this.

If you hold the above beliefs, it is obviously going to be a part of your reality. You might want to dump some of those and create more empowering beliefs and then your Reality will shift in order to accommodate your new view of yourself and your life. Hope this helps.

[Rose of Cairo]

lol I love your ten rules, yossarian! Very funny

Originally Posted by cylon

Women, in my experience, and in the experience of men I know, do not generally find themselves attracted to effeminate men.

This highly depends on what you call "effeminate". If you mean wussy "nice guys", that's true. (but yossarian is obviously not one of them, see) If you mean men with high feminine energy, that's not true.

Of course, if you are more feminine and passive, and find a woman who is more masculine and will lead you, then you may have a fit.

I find it very funny how for you feminine = passive and masculine = leading. This is far from being generally the case.

Often times people will say "just be yourself!" but realize it's learning to be your BEST self is what matters. If "yourself" is doubting, unsure, insecure, then being "yourself" is not much benefit.

Again, why are you equating "feminine" with "doubting, unsure, insecure"? A man can be very "feminine", and not resonate with Steve's post, and still be very confident and comfortable with himself.

Just because you cylon were a wussy "nice guy" in the past and now have found another way of being that makes you feel better doesn't mean that everybody who doesn't follow the same path is not ok just like he is.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Bene

If you believe in LoA, then you believe that your beliefs create your reality. I suggest working on your belief system rather than within it. Steve has written and spoken about this.

If you hold the above beliefs, it is obviously going to be a part of your reality. You might want to dump some of those and create more empowering beliefs and then your Reality will shift in order to accommodate your new view of yourself and your life. Hope this helps.

Why do I need to change my reality? I am perfectly content with reality as it is.

People have endless advice for changing situations but to someone who has for a long time practiced acceptance most motivations are not motivating.

I guess perhaps I'm leading people on, making it seem like I'm asking them to solve my problems. This isn't surprising since it seems like most people would be baffled to see my laugh and smile despite what they would perhaps consider to be a bad life.

My honest genuine question was about masculinity. By posting that article Steve posits that there is a true masculine quality and my question is... can someone describe it for me?

Does it have to include external achievements, like attaining things?

Does it have to include the picture of a successful life? Certainly one should be able to be fully masculine without having a harem and a sports car. If this is true, then we should be able to describe masculinity without describing a harem and a sports car.

Cylon seems to define masculinity in terms of how women treat a man. "A man is someone who women fawn over, etc"

Steve defines masculinity by action and as far as I can tell, little more. It occurs to me his 10 points are all fundamentally about "taking action". So is there no way to be a passive male? Perhaps action really is the essence of masculinity and then each person can choose whatever energy they want. I find far more joy in passive contended being rather than active striving doing.

Shrug

[cylon]

Originally Posted by yossarian

I certainly see the truth that confident masculine men have women pursue them. This makes lots of sense. But perhaps not all men were meant to have loads of women pursue them? Perhaps some men were just meant to find joy that is independent of circumstance?

The paradox of the PUA community is that they constantly exclaim how "if you try, you fail" and yet the whole community exists because people are desperately trying. Someone like me who doesn't strive to attain but rather strives for genuine unconditional love also "fails" or at least it appears so.

Perhaps striving is actually what achieves results? Certainly most accomplishments in the world were born of a genuine effort. And most guys consider women to be an accomplishment, whereas I really don't. I don't look at other humans and see objects to be used for pleasure, or as prizes, or as fulfillment mechanisms.

Women are not an accomplishment.

If you make your main "mission" to find what you are passionate about, to pursue that, to develop yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, THAT is an accomplishment. (Women usually come along at this point. Just works that way. The more you want them the less they are there, the more you are distracted by your life the more women want to be with you. There's a lesson in that.)


A TRUE sense of your manhood is to face these fears, these questions you have, to look at them and face them. None of this crap of "a man feels no fear". That's BS. A man feels fear and overcomes it. I'm on that road myself, and it is not an easy one. I stumble and fall like crazy. But I know where I'm going. I'm not going back to the passive state where "oh well, that's just how it is" is going to work for me.


The PUA stuff..... is helpful for some. There's a lot of overlap between PUA and personal development. But it's mostly style over substance. I think you've confused PUA with "that's how you gotta be to get the chicks" and it's not like that.

But, I would say to you, completely 100% absolutely forget about women right now.

Find out what you want in life and go after it. Investigate this "new part of you". Drop the confusion/guilt/shame/taboo-ness in regards to masculinity you may have.

I've given you some things I hope you will find helpful at some point.

[Bene]

Originally Posted by yossarian

Why do I need to change my reality? I am perfectly content with reality as it is.

I am sorry, I misunderstood what you wrote. Thanks for the clarification.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by yossarian

My honest genuine question was about masculinity. By posting that article Steve posits that there is a true masculine quality and my question is... can someone describe it for me?

Does it have to include external achievements, like attaining things?

See my above post.

Originally Posted by yossarian

Cylon seems to define masculinity in terms of how women treat a man. "A man is someone who women fawn over, etc"

I'm saying this is a natural consequence of masculinity, how a woman treats a masculine man. A man is not DEFINED by women, or anyone else.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Bene

....create more empowering beliefs and then your Reality will shift in order to accommodate your new view of yourself and your life.

Good point Bene, I should remind myself of this as well.

[Apollia]

Originally Posted by yossarian

Here is my re-tooled version of Steve's 10 man-rules

Brilliant!!! I honestly think you could write comedy for a living...

[BlankCzech]

I just thought I'd say that this was the first post I've actually read in awhile and it was a good read.

[Jed]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I don't have any of Deida's books, but it's possible we've had similar influences, since I do read a lot of self-help books. A lot of people have recommended Deida's material to me since I started blogging, possibly because we seem to have similar philosophies. However, I usually don't bother to look into other people's work when I'm told I sound like so-and-so, since I figure there's not as much to learn if we already share similar ideas. I prefer to read sources that have different philosophies than mine.

Steve - Much appreciated, thanks for the response. It's fantastic to see that from author to author these ideas carry common threads ... to me that spells truth.

[Brutha]

Equally he could have just got better at covering his tracks.

I don't think it is about covering tracks. He might be a darkworker (I don't think so), but he certainly doesn't focus on tactics.

I'll definately check it out at some point. I've been looking for a high consciousness pick-up guide for awhile now.

It definatly is a good high consciousness product.

[Fullcrum]

Blueprint Appreciation thread is UP! Wooo.

Blueprint Decoded Appreciation Thread

[Plato]

Originally Posted by Brutha

I don't think it is about covering tracks. He might be a darkworker (I don't think so), but he certainly doesn't focus on tactics.

and i don't focus on how to drive my car but i had to learn
check this out
Real Social Dynamics - Summer Sale

[Spartan]

The freedom to say 'no'

Just thought I'd share this interesting and insightful article with you.

[Brutha]

and i don't focus on how to drive my car but i had to learn
check this out
Real Social Dynamics - Summer Sale

Are you aware that the words strategy and tactics have distinct meanings?

I haven't spoken about whether or not some behavior is learned but whether Tyler focuses on tactics as someone earlier suggested.

If you go through the bullet point list that Hyperchiller posted in Fullcrum thread, nearly all of those things are strategy and not tactics.

[Fullcrum]

Oh God, let's not try and make money now by lowering our prices for a limited time. No no no, that would be the "unenlightened" thing to do. hahaha

BTW, nice article Spartan.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Nice article Spartan. I just hope it's not attacked by feminists who claim its just another example of a patriarchal society trying to make women seem the bad guys...

[vMike]

One of my favorite articles on the blog, I find it quite motivating!

[Jumanji]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Crossing socially conditioned boundaries is a good way to stimulate growth. People enjoy more personal growth when their expectations are violated. When people's expectations are fully satisfied, growth cannot occur. Old patterns are simply reinforced but not changed.

When our expectations are violated, learning occurs. When we're challenged with strong statements (even those we may consider offensive), we're compelled to reconsider our own position on the subject.

My goal isn't to get people to agree with me. It's to encourage people to consciously rethink socially conditioned notions.

I've seen repeatedly that strongly worded articles stimulate more growth in people than more balanced pieces, so I continue to write such articles intentionally because I know this practice benefits more people.

Interesting but true. Tabloid newspapers also use this method, at the end of the day the ends are more important than the means.

[MarkWorthen]

I like Steve's "How to Be a Man" post, particularly 2. Put your relationships second because I had heretofore subscribed to the societal norm of "my family is first". I see now that if I live with integrity, my family will have the best father, husband, son, brother possible. Thank you, Steve.

[MarkWorthen]

Reading Steve's post got me thinking about how much I've changed as a man during my 40's. The biggest influence: I've participated in a men's group every week or two for the past eight years. I can't imagine my life without it.

The men in my group:

• Give me a safe place to learn how to be myself and shed the society-approved masculine mask.
  
  
• Give me a safe place to talk and act in ways I wouldn't around women. To be with the boys without requiring intoxication, sexual exploitation of women, or sports.
  
  
• Encourage me to be vulnerable. They neither coddle me nor exploit my vulnerability. They listen.
  
  
• Support my conscious risk-taking even when the task appears daunting.
  
  
• Give me space to experience failure or disappointment. They do not pity me; they do not shame.
  
  
• Expect me to develop a life mission based on my vision for the world.
  
  
• Challenge me to live in accordance with my mission--to live with integrity.
  
  
• Expect me to be accountable for the commitments I make. If I have not kept a commitment I am expected to hold myself accountable in the group. When I hold myself accountable, I ask the other men ask me some tough questions which:
  
  
  • help me understand the impact of my choice on myself and others
  • help me identify possible unconscious motivations which took precedence over keeping my agreement
  • invite me to "get back into integrity" by making a new commitment and keeping it.
  
  
• Expect me to be mentally and emotionally present during our group meetings.
  
  
• If I have an emotional charge (anger, fear, etc.) with another man in my group, which will keep me from being present, I can, with the other man's permission, utilize a powerful interpersonal process to express that charge and own the unconscious projections I am putting on the other man.
  
  
• Give me an opportunity to use a variety of group processes to help me live my mission; to live a life of integrity. For example, in one process, I ask the men to give me brutally honest and loving feedback regarding behavior patterns they see in me (and which I might not see) such as:
  
  
  • manipulation
  • deflection
  • hiding
  • lying
  • staying in a victim role
  • wearing a mask
  • emotional numbing
  • self-destruction
  • addiction
  
  
• Have fun camping, hanging out, playing cards, bowling, having picnics with our families, and going on road trips.
  
  
• Teach me to respect my elders and to invite elders to share their wisdom with me.
  
  
• Respect and honor my spiritual growth, whether or not that includes involvement in an organized religion.
  
  
• Accept the fact that I'm gay; support my coming out process; and examine their own prejudices and feelings regarding homosexuality. For six of the last eight years, all the men in my group have been heterosexual.
  

I encourage all men to consider participation in a men's group as one way to help you become the man you want to be.

Mark

[Corey]

I fail at 3-7. Oh well, such is life.