I am a darkworker and hate it

[wolfgang]

rant removed by me, wolfgang.

those that read it, sorry if you thought there was something of value in it.

I just can't continue with the ideas of DW or LW anymore for my sanity.

[yossarian]

You can only connect the dots in hindsight.

Stressing over what you will be will just leave you insane, as you pointed out.

I suggest that you stop trying to connect the dots and instead focus on what brings you joy. You suffer and you don't appreciate your own behavior, so just leave it behind. It really is that simple.

Stop striving, stop struggling, stop imagining, stop projecting your thoughts into the future. Relax into the present moment and know that THAT is the true service. The ultimate service is always uninhibited expression of the true self - and this service is effortless and joyful.

You won't find your answers on the level of the mind, but you can find them in the careless joy of the present moment.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Wolfgang, I never saw your rant. I respect you very much for your contributions on this forum so I won't patronize you. However...maybe your just not ready for the shift in perspective?

I do hope you slay the demons that haunt you with this.

Much Love,

AL

[Rose of Cairo]

Wolfgang, I haven't seen what you wrote, but "I am a darkworker and hate it" is a contradiction in itself. Dark/Lightworking is a conscious choice, a commitment. Can you consciously choose to be committed to something that you hate? Plus I see your posts here. You're not a darkworker, that's for sure.

What is it that you hate? That you use primarily fear energy to reach your goals? Or do you find yourself selfish?

Maybe you're just not ready to polarize yet. You don't have to polarize, neither now nor later. Just relax about that.

Much love to you,

Rose.

[impaul99]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

rant removed by me, wolfgang.

those that read it, sorry if you thought there was something of value in it.

I just can't continue with the ideas of DW or LW anymore for my sanity.

I didn't read your rant, but I am pretty sure I know what you're going through.

It took me like a year to reconcile the whole Lightworker / Darkworker thing in my head after Steve wrote about it. There were many nights when I cursed him for even bringing the whole thing up because it created so many questions in my head and left me all confused and frustrated.

In the end, I finally "got it" when I wasn't even really trying to "get it". It's just like a switch flipped in my head after reading his last post and then the whole vegetarian thing shed light on it.

[Ecce Homo]

Yeah, the title itself says it all. If you were a darkworker you wouldn't hate it, believe me. I agree with Rose. This polarity stuff is a useful metaphor, but it is only a metaphor. Use it, don't use it, who cares? You're good to go either way.

[wolfgang]

thanks everyone - you all are awesome!

I think what got triggered is awareness of my shadow self. Parts of me I forgot to claim as me and as such I put it outside of me in denial. I start to think to say I'm a LW is also to claim my DW side or I can't make the ideas work for me - in which case I'm not following the ideas "properly" or not actually polarizing. It drives me nuts to try to be polarized - it feels like fracturing my self.

If the goal is to feel integrated, as Steve suggests or what was his word - congruent. hmm... I see getting there by taking all parts of me together. If I try to be a DW I ignore and deny the part of me that cares for others (or it gets complicated that, ok, DWs can care about others under certain conditions). If try to be LW, I ignore and deny that which focuses on myself. Then why have a approach that makes me do that? Makes me deny part of me? Of coarse I have it wrong if these ideas are of value, right?

Anyway, I can't really think in these terms. I need to think of being whole and integrated, without trying to understand why I should have "service to me" or "service to other" motives. I must be having some string reactions to the ideas out of seeing it in terms of the psychological theories of projection and denial actually being accentuated by "polarization".

And, for those that get it. It must be something other that what I think it is. Or it really about seeing the light and darkworking is part of the path.

Originally I had posted a rant that was pretty harsh. I was lashing out at myself as seeing DW traits in me and how probably most of us are like that to some degree because of being in this world/society that treats and educates people to think we can control nature or conquer it, that we must compete to survive. And I see all that as what a DW is being defined as, and I see that in me and I don't like that. That DW is kind of immature - because with immaturity comes selfishness, disregard for others, taking etc... But now, why reject all that? is it not healthier to accept what you are and bring it into your awareness as part of you - otherwise a LW will be projecting the shadow self and keeping it alive as denail/"other" and see it in others as something to judge.

anyway, I don't what to spin that up again right now. which I already have to some degree. But one more thing, isn't it that what our egos are and how feeling separate must be part of the DW/LW ideas somehow?

[Plato]

Wellllll....some of your beliefs are going to have to die and be replaced by new ones in becoming congruent.

I think you know that your beliefs are not you. Neither are your emotions, or even your instincts. In theory you can choose what to be. Yay for existentialism. Also who said the transition was easy?

[JohnR]

I think a person becomes a lightworker as a natural progression of their awareness. As awareness develops, you experience first-hand that we are one. I know that sounds trite, but trite is also true in this case.

These experiences can build gradually, or in the case of what in Zen circles is called Kensho, they can come suddenly and powerfully.

However they arrive, after a while, people who experience life in this way, can't help but feel what others feel, and care about others the same as they would about themselves. To them there is no difference.

So, being a lightworker in that sense is really not a choice, as much as it is a result of other choices which may have been more, shall we say selfish.

Selfishness is sometimes the power behind self exploration. In that way, perhaps instead of being a polar opposite, the darkworker phase may be a step toward being a lightworker -- for some. Others may not be able to move beyond that phase.

Food for thought thought? What do you think?

John
Self Help for Sensitive Souls — Zen-Moments

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Plato

Wellllll....some of your beliefs are going to have to die and be replaced by new ones in becoming congruent.

I think you know that your beliefs are not you. Neither are your emotions, or even your instincts. In theory you can choose what to be. Yay for existentialism. Also who said the transition was easy?

yes, I even like to think all beliefs have to die. that being congruent happens out of flexiblity more than definitions. that choosing what to be happens without a label.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by JohnR

I think a person becomes a lightworker as a natural progression of their awareness. As awareness develops, you experience first-hand that we are one. I know that sounds trite, but trite is also true in this case.

this is what I like to think.

These experiences can build gradually, or in the case of what in Zen circles is called Kensho, they can come suddenly and powerfully.

However they arrive, after a while, people who experience life in this way, can't help but feel what others feel, and care about others the same as they would about themselves. To them there is no difference.

I also find I care about myself more at the same time as I feel that I care about others. It seems to me to be a mutual caring that doesn't focus on me or other, but rather is bringing the ability to care to a clearer level. In other words, I don't really see that when I care for myself this is for me only, and at the same time when I care for someone else, I start to take care of myself better too.

The converse is when I am in the dumps and am acting recklessly or not caring about myself - and in that case I don't care about anyone else either.

So, being a lightworker in that sense is really not a choice, as much as it is a result of other choices which may have been more, shall we say selfish.

are you saying, selfish choices results in being a lightworker. I lost your train of thought on that.

Selfishness is sometimes the power behind self exploration. In that way, perhaps instead of being a polar opposite, the darkworker phase may be a step toward being a lightworker -- for some. Others may not be able to move beyond that phase.

I think this way too. that one needs to know theirselves to some level before being able to care much. and the knowing of one's self makes you see what you are capable of in terms of caring and then that effects you and others, I think. especially if what becomes of knowing the self expands your sense of self to not be exclusive. like your consciousness is expanding.

Food for thought thought? What do you think?

John
Self Help for Sensitive Souls — Zen-Moments

I think easier this way, then all the DW/LW NCPs definitions with need to choose one or the other. There really isn;t a choice, other than do you want to care or not. And then it's really about do you want to suffer more or less, because caring is an antidote to suffering, I think.

[yossarian]

I see my shadow-self, I accept my shadow-self, I love my shadow-self, I invite my shadow-self into my open heart and I choose to express my light-side.

Never reject anything.. always accept, always love, always invite in, and then make a choice.

A Buddhist Master saw three monsters outside his cave. They were gruesome and hideous - faces bloody, flesh hanging off the bone, deformed and bulbous.

They stood outside his cave. He invited them in for tea. They came in and sat and drank tea. When they began to speak, he gently gestured to them that they be silent. And then he sat with them.

This is how the Master handles his shadowside. Sit down and have tea with your shadow side. Accept them, see them, and invite them in. When they start to speak, tell them no. Tell them you are choosing to express your light-side.

They will respect your choice and eventually they will be transmuted through Love and come to work for you. "Shadow-self, feel my unconditional love, join me in the open heart, and let us work together in service-of-all."

This is how you advance on the positive polarity. Cultivate true love of your dark-side, and then simply make a choice.

[yossarian]

With respect to the ideas on awareness and Oneness:

As awareness increases, so does temptation. Awareness of the Oneness increases yes, but it is a holographic universe. Awareness of the Inner Divinity also increases. As you become aware that Others are God, you also become aware that You are God. And you are still presented with The Choice.

As you polarize, your power naturally increases. You hold stronger influences over people, your intuition is more powerful, you are more decisive, more intelligent, more driven...

But you are still imperfect, and are still subject to the body/mind with it's cravings and aversions and conditioning.

Perhaps in meditation you can be wholly compassionate through awareness of Oneness but inevitably, somewhere when you least expect it, you are presented with The Choice because it is human destiny to make The Choice.

If The Choice was easy to make it wouldn't be given to you. You'll have to dispell the inner demons, you'll have to make peace with the monsters. The wise man will invite the monsters in for tea but not allow them to speak. He will invite them in with patience and love and then he will consciously and powerfully make his choice.

The further you polarize the harder it gets. As Steve gets richer and more powerful he is presented with more and more complex and alluring temptation. No doubt there are aspects of his darkside that surface which he had no idea were there. His task is to love them and accept them, and then to consciously choose, and thereby overcome them.

"What you resist, persists." - Eckhart Tolle

The positive polarity is like Aikido. You don't attack your opponent you recruit him.

Be like the Buddhist Master and when craving, aversion, fear, temptation, anger, hate, or annoyance arises, just sit with it and be aware. That's all it takes. Don't fight. Just sit with it. After sitting with it for awhile, consciously make your choice.

[Rose of Cairo]

Wow yossarian, thank you so much for these beautiful posts!

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by yossarian

With respect to the ideas on awareness and Oneness:

As awareness increases, so does temptation. Awareness of the Oneness increases yes, but it is a holographic universe. Awareness of the Inner Divinity also increases. As you become aware that Others are God, you also become aware that You are God. And you are still presented with The Choice.

As you polarize, your power naturally increases. You hold stronger influences over people, your intuition is more powerful, you are more decisive, more intelligent, more driven...

As you polarize to the light side this happens, but polarizing to the dark - does that require addressing your light side and loving that aspect? I don't care about that idea 'cause it makes little sense to go dark or stay dark. It does make sense to go light, in the way of awareness and I like what you say about how that brings temptation up. So then it's not to fracture yourself to go to the light, but to recognize the dark side at bring that aspect around or realize the dark side is an illusion of some kind, not really needed to operate in it's full blown mode.

But you are still imperfect, and are still subject to the body/mind with it's cravings and aversions and conditioning.

Perhaps in meditation you can be wholly compassionate through awareness of Oneness but inevitably, somewhere when you least expect it, you are presented with The Choice because it is human destiny to make The Choice.

If The Choice was easy to make it wouldn't be given to you. You'll have to dispell the inner demons, you'll have to make peace with the monsters. The wise man will invite the monsters in for tea but not allow them to speak. He will invite them in with patience and love and then he will consciously and powerfully make his choice.

The further you polarize the harder it gets. As Steve gets richer and more powerful he is presented with more and more complex and alluring temptation. No doubt there are aspects of his darkside that surface which he had no idea were there. His task is to love them and accept them, and then to consciously choose, and thereby overcome them.

overcome? or is it more like integrate them? or dispel them for what they are, by once seeing them in the light, they aren't really what you thought they were?

"What you resist, persists." - Eckhart Tolle

that is because it gets pushed out as "not me" and sits there as something that only exists in contrast to "me", as soon as all the monsters are brought in for tea, it's like they take off their amour at the door to come in and are not something outside to fear and reject that might be something of ourselves that we don't want to admit to. something like that, maybe?

The positive polarity is like Aikido. You don't attack your opponent you recruit him.

cool, so it is with tai chi that I know of. we do "push hands" where there is training to sense the other's position of yin/yang and cooperate by supplying the complement of either yang for yin, such that there is a whole between the two. but there is not much training for trying to conquer in tai chi. one teacher once said if a tai chi master gets in a fight, they just keep blending with the attacker in such a way that the attacker will just get too tired to fight anymore.

Be like the Buddhist Master and when craving, aversion, fear, temptation, anger, hate, or annoyance arises, just sit with it and be aware. That's all it takes. Don't fight. Just sit with it. After sitting with it for awhile, consciously make your choice.

thank you, good reminders.

[Plato]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

yes, I even like to think all beliefs have to die. that being congruent happens out of flexiblity more than definitions. that choosing what to be happens without a label.

Hmmm, but we still have to have some beliefs to filter our sensory input from the world and make sense of it. I suppose the final stage of mastery at life is unconsciously acting on those beliefs without conscious awareness of why you have them. Having ingrained in you the values you've chosen to live by..

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Plato

Hmmm, but we still have to have some beliefs to filter our sensory input from the world and make sense of it.

I suppose somethings need to stick around to operate in 3d. But do I need to "hold" those beliefs? Or are these views just what is anyway and no need to make a belief of it?

I suppose the final stage of mastery at life is unconsciously acting on those beliefs without conscious awareness of why you have them. Having ingrained in you the values you've chosen to live by..

hmmm... beliefs that are unconscious - I guess I've been trying to see that conditioned self, that runs automatically, as old value choices or possibly not good choices all the time, so then to be able to not choose to continue running something that doesn't work would help.

But, as you say, if one is able to install what works and it's automatically running, that's fine. And maybe that's the way it is. That we operate using our conditioned responses, but then if it doesn't work it flys at us in our face somehow, like getting triggered or having reactions, that brings that conditioned response to the light of consciousness because it's not working for you.

We get some feedback on that stuff in our emotions and then instead of identifying with the emotions as self and just letting it run, be able to observe the reactions from our awareness self and see if we would really want to choose that. and maybe we do - just let it run and feel a bunch of junk. But that would be indulgent of drama.

[yossarian]

I was only talking about the lightside.

You have the right idea. For the lightside, overcoming your shadow means to accept and integrate your shadow, but it still always requires a conscious choice once you have integrated. After integration you could still decide to harm others if you wanted to.

I'm not going to take the time to talk about the darkworker path right now because it's sort of academic. The far majority of us have positive intentions and those with negative intentions learn to take their own counsel and distrust others anyway.

[BringTheDarkness]

Or maybe Steve's paradigm of what a DW is is so broken there is no NEED to "hate" anything anyway?

BTD

[Ecce Homo]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

As you polarize to the light side this happens, but polarizing to the dark - does that require addressing your light side and loving that aspect?

For the darkworker, the intention is indeed to love all aspects of one’s self. I suppose that’s no different from the kind of inner work a lightworker does. The underlying motivation for doing inner work is of course what separates a lightworker from a darkworker. The lightworker seeks to love all aspects of herself in order to increase her ability love others. The darkworker seeks to love and to unconditionally accept himself simply because he is who he is. No external reason or justification is required. For the darkworker, rejecting any aspect of his self makes no sense because that rejection is almost always based on standards created by the largely unthinking masses. Why would a darkworker then, upon learning the truth about these standards, use them to measure his self worth? In rejecting those false standards, he becomes the ultimate arbiter of his own worth. As Steve put it, the darkworker’s affirmation, if she has one, is “I Am God, I love me, I honor my divinity.” That’s all and that is enough.

[Silent Lucidity]

I wonder how the idea of subjective reality and personal responsibility enters in to this...? I create my own reality, I am god, I accept/love myself, I am one, everyone is one with me... a part of me as one beautiful being sensing life in the stars...

It's a paradox... you can't care about yourself and love yourself unconditionally as the creator of your reality, as a part of all that is, without also caring about others, as they are a part of you.

I don't understand the necessity to choose....?

This is where the darkworker/lightworker idea breaks down... this is what happens at the end of Steve's metaphor, when you travel far enough along the path the two ideas/polarities merge anyway?

I'm a lightworker by nature, but conducting darkworker activities (taking in/building energy, (healing???) excessive concern for my self and well-being) in order to fix things in my life...as they currently are...in order to achieve happiness and freedom, and then helping others will naturally stem from that, I think.

I also just completed a several month exercise to contribute something that may have no benefit to me at all, but just wanting to do it. The benefit is that I know I succeeded in my effort and that is enough. I was recognized, it brought enjoyment to someone, I think. I contributed something, love that I could do it, and if more comes of it than fantastic, if not, it is enough. I could define this in terms of either perspective.

...like the progression from student to teacher, from concern for self, to concern for family, to concern for society... it may be all just age and evolution.

[Nneka]

I got the LW/DW thing when I figured out the difference between these 2 statements.

1. Being a lightworker means you only take actions that serve the highest good of all.
2. Being a lightworker means that you take actions that serve the highest good of all only.

The first statement means that all of your actions serve the highest good of all, but they don't only serve the highest good of all. They may be of benefit to you. But as a lightworker, you are only concerned with the service to all and what you get out of it is a byproduct.

You concentrate on creating, giving, and let the receiving take care of itself. This is what gives the level of clarity. You ask the question, "Is this serving the highest good of all?" If it happens to serve you so be it. As a DW you would ask, "Is this serving me?" If it happens to serve others so be it.

An example is saying whatever it takes to win a presidential race. Yeah, it might help some people out, but the bottom line is, "Am I going to win?" Once you win, you ask, "is this going to help me stay in power?" If it happens to help people, it's a by product. You're not asking, "What can I do to serve the citizens?"

With the second statement, you are actually blocking the flow of Energy. That's why it feels so hard. No action taken will only result in energy given or gained. It comes full circle. So trying to take actions that only result in energy given or gained causes internal conflict. In other words, as a lightworker your question is, "Is this action serving the highest good of all?" You don't need to worry about if its only serving the highest good of all.

Now things get tricky if you are not honest. You can convince yourself of anything. That's why in order to polarize you must be highly conscious. You'll feel great in either direction.

As a LW, you'll feel great giving to the highest good of all. If you're open, your life will hum along nicely and you'll want for nothing. Once fear is introduced, you'll start thinking, "but what about me?" That's when the mind begins to play tricks. As a DW, it's the same. The rush of power and domination is intoxicating. If love seeps in and you get an attack of conscience looking at all the people you may have harmed, then you start rationalizing.

Does this make more sense?