Polarity indecision prolonging my misery

[Bliss Sage]

I don't mean to bring up the sticky subject of polarity again, so for the sake of helping me, I hope anyone who doesn't like the term will replace it in their mind with a term they accept. Also, since I don't think I ever grasped the concept, the phenomenon that is vexing me may not even relate to polarity.

I have been stuck in limbo for over a year regarding a situation with a person and the reason is because, to save my life I cannot commit myself to one direction or the other. I have two paths to try to go [in terms of manifesting an end to the situation as it currently is]. I'm not going to go into detail about the sordid details of the hell of this situation, but suffice it to say I have path 1, which entails all kinds of wonderfully nasty things. It involves thoughts of suicide, "revenge" sex, taking actions that may cause the person in question to do finally what and how he should have done years ago, but will also result in his further suffering, it involves "guilting" him, it involves the wonderful feeling of outwardly expressing all of my pent-up anger and bitterness, pain, hurt, hatred, revenge, all the potent emotions that have recently been simmering beneath the surface of path 2 (which I have been attempting), and I assure you, there are too many...and a final detail to add to this path--on this path I don't have the slightest care or fear for what might happen to or be done to me. To me, it basically looks like an emotionally satisfying kamakaze mission, which would also free me from a lot of my other unsurmountable miseries as well.

Then there is path 2--this is the "fluffy" path I have been trying to go. It involves love, forgiveness and healing etc etc.

I am hopeless in deciding which path to go and every single day I waver between the two, I have thoughts and feelings towards one path and in the next moment, towards the other path, and it has been like this off-and-on for months.

There was a period of months in which I was quite devoted in my heart to path 2, but I got distracted by other people-problems and began failing and last week something awful happened, that had absolutely nothing to do with the situation or the person in question, and since then I've been hopeless and just...path 1 feels so much better [to hurt him and to express all the horrible emotions making me want to hurt him and, if not to "make" him do something right by me, then at least to get some satisfaction out of "making" him suffer too] and practically, in a mental sense, it's easier...but for my nature, it is hard for me to take that path and even though I am so bent towards it now, and increasingly so, and I don't have much in me left saying "Oh, no...go the love route..." I still haven't been able to commit to it.

It's like I have a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other and the devil has basically tied and gagged the angel, but, by God, that little angel is obstinate and somehow still making himself known and I still can't commit to path 1.

I'm not asking for advice on which path to choose--I'm asking for advice on how to choose and to commit--how to be successful on the path, without lapsing to thoughts of the other. I just can't effectively devote myself to one or the other, because there are always nagging thoughts and feelings towards the other.

So maybe this is the positive and negative aspects of polarity tearing me in two, one pulling me east, the other pulling me west, and in the end, I stay where I am, but I am sore from all the pulling. I feel like I'm being torn in two and my misery of the unresolved situation is being prolonged.

I have to add, though, I am not like Steve and so many others on this site who, once they have a logical grasp of something, can just apply it in their lives. I can't. If I could, I would have dealt with and passed this situation long ago, but I have feelings that I can't control by my thoughts or the strength of my intellect. I have to change my heart, not my head, not my thoughts, for otherwise I am just in denial, hiding what is in my heart from my own awareness and covering it over with a facade of optimism and logic--all the while, still, believing I am on a good and harmonious path. I think that must be why I failed the first time I tried path 2, even though I was doing a lot of work to release myself from all the negative feelings relating to the person in this situation, and even from deeply-rooted ones that I traced back to a childhood I can't even remember--working on all that garbage seems futile, which is one reason path 1 looks like the only path on which I could have success.

[Natsu]

Leave him, whoever he is, and forget about him. Cut the relationship. Finito. Kaputt. Farewell and never see you again. Whenever I've had a problem with any person that made me feel bad, I just cut the relationship. If someone makes me feel angry, frustrated and vengeful, and the only choice is trying to sacrifice myself and my murderous desires to feel love and compassion for him... To hell with that person. Well, not to hell, but out of my life, forever. To the point of being rude if necessary, to the point of not waving back when greeted, to the point of walking quickly so as NOT to see him after finding him in the street, to the point of always refusing invitations and phone calls and always being in a hurry to wash my eyeballs with leach whenever he starts a conversation. Rude? Well, yes, but it's my life. No one has a right to hurt my soul in the name of politeness.

If a person makes me feel furious and frustrated, and whatever attempt to soothe those feelings is also frustrating, the best solution in my book is to avoid that person entirely. I don't hang out with people who drag me down, even if they drag me down emotionally. I value my sanity too much for it.

As a general rule, I am not vengeful. If the removal of one person from my life eliminates all the nasty consequences of that person's presence, I don't seek for revenge nor for changing the person in question. I just banish them from my existence. Why choose to fight with sticks or bandages when you can remove the source of the problem and not bothering in fighting? I'd rather invest my time and energy in more productive things than taking revenge or trying to get "my way or the highway" from a person who makes me feel wrong all the time. In such cases, my way is the highway.

[greyman]

Bliss Sage,
I think this question involves the issue of your personal beliefs. For example, according my own beliefs based on Buddhists schools, you will suffer karmic retribution for anything bad you do, as you will have to repay the suffering you caused to others. So you cannot be really successful by path 1 in the long term. (But of course this is just my belief)

> I'm asking for advice on how to choose

I would choose what is more compassionate in the long term.

> and to commit

My approach is to repeat "stubbornly" until I am successful. After failing, I analyze where I made mistake, recommit myself and go on.

[Angela]

You seem to believe that you *should* commit to one route or the other. What if you didn't believe that? What would be possible for you?

If you didn't cling to the belief that you must choose, you would be free to be present in each moment as it occurs, and do the next right thing.

Is freedom something you would like to have in your life?

[Dan.Linehan]

Living well is the best revenge.

[moonrambler]

I really liked the polarity concept, though it seems like this isn't typical around here. The one thing I did not like about it was the very negative spin given to the energy-in polarity, which I think causes a lot of trouble in thinking about this concept -- inherently, energy-in polarity is bad, leading everybody to try and figure out ways to approach things from a 'lightworker' aspect rather than the obviously negative 'darkworker.'

To me, what Natsu said was very appropriate and wise -- and unfortunately in terms of polarity the way it's presented -- very darkworker-ish. Being 'fluffy' can come later. For now, cutting this situation from your life is positive and beneficial, and does not need to involve revenge and other nasty emotions/actions. This is energy-in, about you. Move on. Once you're not thinking about this person at all anymore, you can look back and it will be clearer.

Sometimes, I think, in certain situations there needs to be energy-in before there can be energy-out. Forgiveness and healing and love are likely to come about eventually, once you take care of yourself first.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

I really liked the polarity concept, though it seems like this isn't typical around here. The one thing I did not like about it was the very negative spin given to the energy-in polarity, which I think causes a lot of trouble in thinking about this concept -- inherently, energy-in polarity is bad, leading everybody to try and figure out ways to approach things from a 'lightworker' aspect rather than the obviously negative 'darkworker.'

I didn't like the polarity concept either for a long time. Actually, I don't "like" it now, but I can hardly deny the incessant tugging in opposite directions inside myself that just gets me nowhere fast and foils anything I try to manifest and keeps me mired in the same cr*p and pain all the time. Again, I don't know if that's polarity, but I reached a point where I just wish I could decide 200% to go in one or the other direction, I don't care if it's "good" or "bad" anymore, I just want out of this hellish limbo.

And I can't take Natsu's advice, which was to leave him. I'm not with him, so I can't very well leave him. That doesn't mean there aren't issues to resolve and it doesn't mean there's not a situation with him that needs to be dealt with or decisions I have to make on how to deal with it. And again, I don't care if it's the "dark" side of polarity, I just want to be emotionally able to commit to one course or the other and stay it. The way Natsu presented it sounds pretty dark and hostile, but there is a "light" way to do the same thing.

To me, what Natsu said was very appropriate and wise -- and unfortunately in terms of polarity the way it's presented -- very darkworker-ish. Being 'fluffy' can come later. For now, cutting this situation from your life is positive and beneficial, and does not need to involve revenge and other nasty emotions/actions. This is energy-in, about you. Move on. Once you're not thinking about this person at all anymore, you can look back and it will be clearer.

You really can't take the "fluffy" approach and the hostile one at the same time...well, you can do one and then the other if you're able to consciously control that, but I don't think it's very smart if you are emotionally capable of choosing one or the other, I don't know why you would switch back and forth. Like I said, there is a "light" way to do what Natsu said and there's the "dark" way. This whole situation is new territory for me and I see I may intend and commit myself to the "light" path, but in the meantime I may be engaging in thoughts, acts and desires that are actually "dark" without realizing it.

[Parthon]

I see that it's possible to be loving and compassionate and still kick someone in the goolies.

Simply: love isn't all about being happy, fluffy and nice all the time. It's about going after what you truely care for and giving everyone else everything you've got. It involves things like respect, understanding, compassion, completeness, joy and passion. From what you've said though I don't feel that you are getting any of these things at all. I think right now it's time for some tough love.

Start throwing punches and get your hands dirty with the matter at heart. Be courageous and strike true to where it matters. Be a bold stand for living the best life you can and for him to live the best life he can. Really bring some sharp compassion to it, stop putting up with that stuff you wish you could ignore. Stop putting up with his crap that he tries to dump on you, and give it back to him, where it belongs.

It comes down to when you are truely being yourself, and are truely commited to being loving and doing the best thing for everyone even though it may hurt, the right path becomes clear. The only thing you need to travel down the right path is courage to do what you know you must do.

Don't worry about hurting people either, any temporary hurt for anyone becomes the needed cutting of deadness that people need in order to grow. Much like flowers need pruning, people need hurt once in a while.

"Darkworkers" do what's best for them primarily and "Lightworkers" do what's best for others primarily. Often their actions and spheres overlap, and there comes a point where they are one and the same, but it's a long way from the average starting point.

Man I preach a lot. I hope you saw something for yourself in this though.

[yorik]

I don't think the issue is choosing a "light" or "dark" path so much as choosing a path that reflects your personal values. If you value a loving approach, then the only choice that is congruent for you is a loving approach. If you value revenge and other spiteful acts, then that's the path for you. The choice is in clarifying your values.

Maybe you need a third path. One that works for me is the same one I learned to help clear clutter from my house. When you run into something that needs to go, just tell it "Thank you, but your purpose is over and it's now time to go." (well, not necessarily out loud) Appreciate what it did for you, then let it go. It works for people too.

On another point, I'd like you to try an experiment. I want you to picture a can of soup in your mind. Just a plain ordinary can of soup. (Do you notice the flavor? the brand? is the picture in your head color or black and white?) Now I want you to change that picture of the soup can. Try these things: change it from color to B&W, make it fuzzy like bad reception on an old TV; make the can zoom way into the background until it disappears.

If you did that exercise, you should now realize one very important fact: You have total control over your thoughts! And if you control your thoughts, you control your emotions. Yes, your emotions are controllable, you just don't know how yet.

There are a variety of techniques, and I probably don't know the best ones, but here is one to try. When you feel a bad emotion, imagine putting it in a bottle, preferably an odd shaped bottle. Then imagine throwing that bottle in the ocean. (Or make it zoom into the distance and disappear. Or dissolve into nothingness. Whatever makes it GONE.) As soon as it is gone, change your mental image to a giant white screen of nothingness briefly, and immediately bring up a good emotion. Trust me, this stuff works.

To get really good at this, you might invest in a session with a good hypnotherapist who practices NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming.) If you're suffering that much, the money might be well spent.