My girlfriend doesn't get it...

[Sindre]

My girlfriend was "partially joking and partially serious" when she said that I was beginning to act "crazy" and was fearing that I'm getting brainwashed by Steve and this forum, and compared it to some kind of sect...

I have a hard time explaining to her that we're not crazy, just seeing things clearly. This personal development-stuff IS pretty new for me, I'm just getting started. So she sees a bit different side of me than she has before. In a way I can perfectly understand that she's worried.

She is so sceptical to everything on the internet, and insist "you must not believe everything you read" and so on.

I need advice. I've tried to be gentle when I've talked about this. Things like the Law of Attraction and why I don't need a job, when I could rather start my own business, and so on. She would rather see me in a regular job, than doing something as "insane" as trying to think for myself and create something on my own.

I truly wish she was more open-minded. I have a lot to work with here, to get here to live more consciously too. At the same time, I don't want to push anything on her.

Anybody else here experienced the same kind of problems? How can this be solved? I would really appreciate some advice.

Thanks.

[Angela]

Maybe she (and you!) would be more comfortable if you explain that this site is not about a belief system and it's not a club or organization, but rather, it's a bunch of people experimenting with ideas, sharing the results we get, and supporting each other's efforts to create lives we love.

There's nothing to "join" or commit to here, except for some basic rules of civility. Agreement and submission are not required in order for your participation. There is nothing here that would inhibit freedom in any way -- except your own emotional and mental constraints, of course! And this is a great place to loosen up those constraints and become more free in your "real" life.

I would recommend something for you, though: I would practice letting go of "I wish she would be more open-minded. I (want) her to live more consciously." Practice accepting her exactly as she is and exactly as she is not. I suspect she subconsciously feels your desire for her to be other, more, or better than what she is, even "for her own good" (the bane of humanity), and that may be the reason she's uncomfortable.

Practice being, yourself, what you wish to see in her: being open and accepting of her. Her choices are her choices, and love includes generating a space of freedom for her to feel safe about that. Of course, that doesn't mean you can't be inspirational to her!

[impaul99]

Originally Posted by Sindre

My girlfriend was "partially joking and partially serious" when she said that I was beginning to act "crazy" and was fearing that I'm getting brainwashed by Steve and this forum, and compared it to some kind of sect...

I have a hard time explaining to her that we're not crazy, just seeing things clearly. This personal development-stuff IS pretty new for me, I'm just getting started. So she sees a bit different side of me than she has before. In a way I can perfectly understand that she's worried.

She is so sceptical to everything on the internet, and insist "you must not believe everything you read" and so on.

I need advice. I've tried to be gentle when I've talked about this. Things like the Law of Attraction and why I don't need a job, when I could rather start my own business, and so on. She would rather see me in a regular job, than doing something as "insane" as trying to think for myself and create something on my own.

I truly wish she was more open-minded. I have a lot to work with here, to get here to live more consciously too. At the same time, I don't want to push anything on her.

Anybody else here experienced the same kind of problems? How can this be solved? I would really appreciate some advice.

Thanks.

I'm married, been with my wife for 11 years, and had similar issues early on in my relationship. I wish I could give you an easy path out. Chances are she will never understand your new found path until it starts to produce results for you. She probably cares for you a lot and she just doesn't want to see you get hurt. Kind of like an overbearing mom who won't let her son play soccer because he might fall down and scrape his knee.

Make the decision to committ to a life of personal development and personal growth and make it clear to any partner you have in life that you will always work on yourself no matter what and always experiment, try new things, start businesses, try figuring out what you love to do etc. Explain to them that the standard life of a 9-5 until 65 job makes you want to throw up, and that you will never settle for that. Ambition is something we are cursed/blessed with and it never goes away.

Don't try to change her, allow her to follow her own path, but dedicate yourself to yours. I would has that 90% of the problems I went through were a result of me trying to "change" my wife to my new way of thinking. It's like when I took a step forward, I wanted her to take a step forward with me, but she wasn't ready. Sometimes you need to take 3 steps forward, or 10 steps forward, or even 100 steps forward before your partner takes 1 step. Eventually they do follow, as they begin to feel the positive energy you radiate and they are drawn towards it.

Conquor your fears, work on yourself, become a super positive person, radiate positive energy, and accept your partner for who they are without trying to change them at all. Only then will they feel the secure, loving environment they need to start to change themselves. It won't happen if you try to push them.

Sometimes you don't need to share very detail of every business idea you have with your partner either. Get a journal today and start writing in it. Keep it private just to yourself. You may be telling your partner business ideas as a way to get acceptance because you don't really believe in them yourself, and your partner can smell that a mile away. You may need to work with a coach/mentor instead. Someone who has taken the path ahead of you and can be that sounding board and faith instiller for you. Life partners don't always make the best business coaches, so don't try to use your girlfriend for that.

These are a few suggestions I would have for you.

[Sindre]

Thank you both for excellent answers. It was my ego speaking when I said "I wish she were like this and that". If she were, I would have a less hard time trying to explain myself to her. Of course I don't wish to change her. I love her exactly like she is. You both had many good points here that I will definately remember.

Thanks

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi Sindre,

I'm sorry for you. I know how that is, I had the same with my bf. He couldn't understand how I could do something as stupid and crazy as breake off my studies, refuse to take a job, be unemployed and eat up my savings in order to spend my time learning some esoteric stuff, "find my purpose" and be self-employed, without even knowing as what I wanted to be self-employed. He wanted me to study, get a job and be reasonable. He got angry at this "stupid forum" too and just couldn't accept me changing so much. We're separated now, but that's probably not what you wish to hear

I don't know how to deal with that problem, sorry. Maybe you could make it clear to her, in a kind way, that your choices are your own responsibility, not hers?

Originally Posted by Sindre

I truly wish she was more open-minded. I have a lot to work with here, to get here to live more consciously too.

And that's her responsibility, not yours You have no work to do with her at all, that's not your job. It's her decision to live more consciously or not, it has to come from her, don't try to get her to do something because you want her to change. Accept her as she is, or leave.

Sorry sounds harsh... I wish you all the best for you and your girlfriend and I hope you'll resolve the conflict


edit: ah, too late! well, I just wish you good luck then

[Sindre]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Hi Sindre,

I'm sorry for you. I know how that is, I had the same with my bf. He couldn't understand how I could do something as stupid and crazy as breake off my studies, refuse to take a job, be unemployed and eat up my savings in order to spend my time learning some esoteric stuff, "find my purpose" and be self-employed, without even knowing as what I wanted to be self-employed. He wanted me to study, get a job and be reasonable. He got angry at this "stupid forum" too and just couldn't accept me changing so much. We're separated now, but that's probably not what you wish to hear

I don't know how to deal with that problem, sorry. Maybe you could make it clear to her, in a kind way, that your choices are your own responsibility, not hers?


And that's her responsibility, not yours You have no work to do with her at all, that's not your job. It's her decision to live more consciously or not, it has to come from her, don't try to get her to do something because you want her to change. Accept her as she is, or leave.

Sorry sounds harsh... I wish you all the best for you and your girlfriend and I hope you'll resolve the conflict


edit: ah, too late! well, I just wish you good luck then

No, no, it's never too late. A reply is always appreciated
I'm sorry to hear about that you're separated, but I guess it was for the best? Hope so anyway, there's probably a meaning behind it.

I'm not fearing a separation in my situation right now. We have a good relationship. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. No matter if we live happily the rest of our lives, or if we sometime in the future will go our separate ways.

Of course it's her responsibility, and as I said: I'm not trying to push it on her. What I meant was, that I have a big job bringing her the message and making her more conscious. Not forcing her to be more conscious, or trying to change her in any way. But simply letting her know that there's probably a better way of living life, even for her. Or just understanding how I am thinking. She doesn't need to be totally changed as a person, to just understand a few things better.

It's like Paul said... Maybe I must take 100 steps before she takes 1. But that's perfectly OK. I will make my own choices about my career anyway. She realizes this, and she is now waiting in excitement for my "big accomplishes"

[jshine2]

I'd just keep in mind that Steve's ideas are just ideas. They're not to be taken a a gospel to run your entire life by.

True personal development gives you the courage to read opposing texts and see where you stand in most of the issues talked about on this site.

Although I really love the work Steve is doing. yes, it is dangerous to put your complete faith in one person's model of reality. Just because all of these things Steve writes about work wonders in his life, doesn't mean they will always work in yours.

I think your girlfriend just wants you to practice discretion when reading anything, and make these decisions on your own, not because a certain guru says you must.

[Sindre]

Originally Posted by jshine2

I'd just keep in mind that Steve's ideas are just ideas. They're not to be taken a a gospel to run your entire life by.

I think your girlfriend just wants you to practice discretion when reading anything, and make these decisions on your own, not because a certain guru says you must.

Yeah, like I've said in so many earlier posts: I have finally found someone (Steve)* who speaks the "truth"/ideas as I see them/like them too. And he's brought me some deeper reasons why I think my thoughts. This has nothing to do with suddenly discovering somebody's ideas and take them as a "gospel to run my life by"

*=Also discovered a whole community on the internet that speaks about the interesting issue of personal development. I wouldn't think that was something in my interest before, but now I see nothing wrong in growing as a person and live my life consciousely. For me it's just like re-discovering common sense.

[jshine2]

Not at all.. there's nothing wrong with growing personally. I actually was in the same boat you were in with my friends and family upon discovering the movie "The Secret"

It had everything I wanted to hear and whenever I'd talk, my conversations would always be something of the following: "well in the secret it says to do this" or "the secret says to do that." I was so zealous about that movie that it did put me in a dangerous position, to blindly accept everything The Secret said from there on as fact without testing it against any other sources, and a lot of times without even testing it with my own intuition.

Steve's a really great guy and your girlfriend might really support the fact that you are trying to grow personally. Most women want a man who seeks personal growth, but she might be worried that you talk too much about Steve and your attitude conveys he can say/do no wrong thing.

I challenge you, and I'm sure Steve would as well, to form your own opinions and do your own research on the topics discussed on the website. Question everything. Take Steve's articles and rework them to work better for you.

One cool journaling method I like is taking Steve's article on a particular subject and then totally rewriting some parts for my personal use only.

[Bonkers]

Nearly everyone I know is like this, stuck in old societally reinforced ways of thinking.

The thing is, you can't convince people with simply words, you must take action and get results.

Its amazing that you can tell maybe 10 people that you're going to make money from an online business and maybe 1 will agree with you while the other 9 will tell you your crazy, its a scam, you'll never make it etc.

However once you actually start that business and produce money you can go back to that same group of 10 and most will be happy for you and encourage you on, while only 1 or 2 will still be negative to the idea.

Same thing happens with anything out of the ordinary: being vegan, polyphasic sleep, blogging for cash etc.

[Jennihul]

My husband probably thinks I am borderline mental, too. But I keep much of my ideas to myself so as not to worry him and...here's the important part: I really make an effort to continue doing things with him that he likes to do like happy hours with friends, and socializing way too much. Not harping on his bad habits too much and certainly not attempting to "change" him to suit my new ideals. That would be rude.

Also, some people take this stuff way too far. Like having to go to every one of Anthony Robbin's extremely pricey seminars...all over the country like some kind of junkie/groupie. I just indulge in books and the occasional audio seminar with whomever I am into at the moment. Keep some journals, etc. Lest I put the man over the edge. Same with friends. My friends do not see my personal development side. That's why they call it PERSONAL development...it's personal.

Jennifer

[The David]

The way you described it, it does sound kind of like a sect.

If you're taking everything Steve Pavlina says as law, then she has a point. If she just doesn't like you experimenting with ideas, then there really is a problem.

[Sindre]

Originally Posted by The David

The way you described it, it does sound kind of like a sect.

If you're taking everything Steve Pavlina says as law, then she has a point. If she just doesn't like you experimenting with ideas, then there really is a problem.

Well, then you totally misunderstood.

I don't take anything from Steve as a law, but he is the most reasonable blogger I have ever seen. However, I do not 100% agree in everything he says and does. Like I said (don't you read all the posts before you reply? ) he has a way to look at life very similar to my own way of thinking.

This whole vegan-thing and his 30 Days Raw-experiment is something I could not agree with at this point. I think it's fun and interesting that he gives it a try, but I couldn't do anything like that myself. Not right now, I would first have a long process of giving up all my unhealthy food-habits. So the next month will for me, just be a fun ride (outside looking in) to see what happens. I will not immediately start eating only raw food just because King Steve does. I'm not at all brainwashed and I'm asking a lot of questions. I do not just accept everything.

When my girlfriend was "partially joking and partially serious", I had just referred to something Steve had written about, and something that were discussed here on the forum. That led to her sect-comment.

However, when I told her about all the comments many made, like: "It is not up to you to decide what she should think" etc, she actually thought this forum wasn't so bad after all

[wulph]

Originally Posted by Sindre

This whole vegan-thing and his 30 Days Raw-experiment is something I could not agree with at this point. I think it's fun and interesting that he gives it a try, but I couldn't do anything like that myself. Not right now, I would first have a long process of giving up all my unhealthy food-habits.

From my experience, it didn't take any "long process" to be vegan for 30 days. On Day 0, I gathered recipes (Erin's book, Vegan Family Favorites, helped immensely here), gave away all my animal-based foods to my friends, and went shopping. The hardest part was finding something to eat at restaurants with friends and turning down dinner invitations. But your unhealthy food-habits would be right there waiting for you -- just think how tasty that Baloney-Lard-Tuna sandwich will be on day 31!

I don't mean that you should run out and do it, but I thought I'd share that it wasn't that hard to get started.

[Sindre]

Originally Posted by wulph

From my experience, it didn't take any "long process" to be vegan for 30 days. On Day 0, I gathered recipes (Erin's book, Vegan Family Favorites, helped immensely here), gave away all my animal-based foods to my friends, and went shopping. The hardest part was finding something to eat at restaurants with friends and turning down dinner invitations. But your unhealthy food-habits would be right there waiting for you -- just think how tasty that Baloney-Lard-Tuna sandwich will be on day 31!

I don't mean that you should run out and do it, but I thought I'd share that it wasn't that hard to get started.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I was planning to start another topic on my personal food-situation in the near future. When it's done, I'll come back to edit this post and give you the link

And here it is

[Ninja]

maybe it's also fear playing a role, even though she might not realize it. Not only fear that you fail, but fear that you might succeed. "Rose of Cairo" made some rather drastic changes: quitting her studies, not getting a job and eating up her savings so she could become self-employed. As a result, her bf got angry.

I've noticed that when I make a drastic change, people will line up to say that I'll fail, I have no idea what I'm doing, and ask if I can't just 'be normal'. A few people will do this because they really fear I'll hurt myself, but there are also quite a few that try to hold me back because they fear I might pull it off. because what happens if I do succeed? They'll have to watch me being happy and will constantly be reminded of the courage they themselves lacked. It's better to fall flat on your face than never trying to learn how to walk at all.

What I've also noticed, is that some people actually start copying me. If I live more bravely, some of them get inspired and adopt the same attitude. It's possible that if you live how you want to live, you might rub off on your gf.

[Kaspian]

Originally Posted by Ninja

maybe it's also fear playing a role, even though she might not realize it. Not only fear that you fail, but fear that you might succeed. ... what happens if I do succeed? They'll have to watch me being happy and will constantly be reminded of the courage they themselves lacked.

It's also possible that she's afraid that if you succeed, your relationship may alter in a way that makes the two of you incompatible.

[Erock]

Time to dump that sorry ******. Just kidding. I wouldn't worry about it. Based on the few relationships I've been in, you gotta be the rock and just follow your path. She'll come along eventually, or you'll both realize you're on different paths.

Erock

[Sindre]

Originally Posted by Ninja

I've noticed that when I make a drastic change, people will line up to say that I'll fail, I have no idea what I'm doing, and ask if I can't just 'be normal'. A few people will do this because they really fear I'll hurt myself, but there are also quite a few that try to hold me back because they fear I might pull it off. because what happens if I do succeed? They'll have to watch me being happy and will constantly be reminded of the courage they themselves lacked. It's better to fall flat on your face than never trying to learn how to walk at all.

What I've also noticed, is that some people actually start copying me. If I live more bravely, some of them get inspired and adopt the same attitude. It's possible that if you live how you want to live, you might rub off on your gf.

This is so very true. I agree that it's better to try and fail. Then I would try again. There's always a risk, but the biggest risk is to never even have tried. I have the opportunity right now, so why not take it? Eventually I will succeed. Either now or in some years!