Is it as easy to say "get lost" when your partner doesnt approve of your choices?

[vandana2626]

Steve has always said that you should maintain a "sorry, I am doing this with or without you" attitude when your partner doesn't approve of those drastic changes you wish to make in your career. Now, for example, I am making serious headway in my chosen career path, and my husband is feeling very, very threatened. Now, he is from a patriarchal society and doesnt wish to have his wife put her career priorities before his comfort and conveniences. He has started behaving as if my ambitions are a mere trifle, and expresses his displeasure very openly if I ever mention the need for some more privacy (I work from home) or request him not to interrupt while I work. Now, my career is very very important to me, and so is my husband of six years, who is a perfectly nice fellow, in fact a gem of a man, as long as i dont mention my inceased need of time for myself. I certainly cant dump him for this single reason, as i genuinely love him. Maybe I should mention, too, that I am from India, where it is far more difficult for women to break out of socially established gender roles.

But my sudden, newly-found drive to excel in life is truly wrecking my marriage. What should i do? Is it as easy to ignore/dump your spouse in pursuit of your life's dream? Please dont give me answers like "balance is key" because if i am going to devote myself to a career path I enjoy I want to give my hundred percent to it, not those crumbs of attention left after lavishing my all on the husband. I request suggestions from other Steve devotees. I am genuinely in need of help, and any new viewpoint, any advice, any opinion would be most gratefully received.

[kthdsn]

This must be a difficult situation for you. You seem very determined to build your career yet you don't want to damage your relationship with your husband.

You should be able to follow your dream and throw yourself into your career with your husband's support. He should understand that it is important to you and that you must do what makes you happy. He shouldn't stand in your way even if he doesn't agree with you. He should encourage you and share in your happiness rather than try to mould you into something he thinks you should be.

Assuming he is a reasonable man, perhaps you can come to some sort of compromise, for example, he leaves you to work between certain hours, as if you were working at a job outside of your home, and you cater to his needs outside of those hours. If he is resistant maybe you could enforce this by locking yourself in your office or creating some other physical barrier.

You could simply tell him that you're going to work on your career whether he likes it or not. If he doesn't like it, he will either have to get used to it, or lose you. If he is likely to end the relationship because of your choices, then is he worth staying with anyway? In my experience, it's not worth staying with someone who asks you to sacrifice what's important to you.

[vandana2626]

Originally Posted by kthdsn

This must be a difficult situation for you. You seem very determined to build your career yet you don't want to damage your relationship with your husband.

You should be able to follow your dream and throw yourself into your career with your husband's support. He should understand that it is important to you and that you must do what makes you happy. He shouldn't stand in your way even if he doesn't agree with you. He should encourage you and share in your happiness rather than try to mould you into something he thinks you should be.

Assuming he is a reasonable man, perhaps you can come to some sort of compromise, for example, he leaves you to work between certain hours, as if you were working at a job outside of your home, and you cater to his needs outside of those hours. If he is resistant maybe you could enforce this by locking yourself in your office or creating some other physical barrier.

You could simply tell him that you're going to work on your career whether he likes it or not. If he doesn't like it, he will either have to get used to it, or lose you. If he is likely to end the relationship because of your choices, then is he worth staying with anyway? In my experience, it's not worth staying with someone who asks you to sacrifice what's important to you.

Thanks! Yes, I have already devised a strict "working hours" policy but the trouble is he doesnt respect them! The thing is, my enterprise hasn't started bringing in financial returns yet, and he probably doesn't consider it 'real work' yet. Maybe things would change once I really start to make some money from it, and the trouble is I'd really need to put my heart and soul into it if it has to make money! Its a vicious circle.

And if he is openly and aggressively critical -right now its all very subtle- and refuses to accord me any respect for what I do, of course, I'll have no choice but to choose one or the other. Many thanks for the suggestion.

[Steve Pavlina]

What is your husband afraid will happen if you pursue your career? Perhaps he's worried your connection will suffer for it.

You might be able to bring him around with a lot of listening... assuming he's willing to share his true feelings with you.

[vandana2626]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

What is your husband afraid will happen if you pursue your career? Perhaps he's worried your connection will suffer for it.
.

The scenario is such that I have been a homemaker for a long time, and the husband was the only topic of any relevance to me- I must admit and accept that I have been a doormat for as long as I can remember. But now that I have started mentioning 'the need of time for my work' and putting my career as a bigger priority, (I have stopped dropping everything and rushing to his side because he cannot find his hand-kerchief) he jst cannot digest it. He is apalled by this new development and a new outspoken entity he never knew existed inside me, and sulks like forever, leaving me in an emotional turmoil.

I'd try talking to him as you suggested, Steve, and thanks a ton for replying!

[Tasaio]

It's definately possible. In fact, I would say it's essential for any relationship; you have to be able to pursue your own interests.

If not, then the relationship just won't work. Think about it--if you were to give in to your husband's criticism, and stop what you're doing, do you honestly feel you could go back to being the exact same person as before?

Could you go back to being a normal housewife for the rest of your life?

Or, would you think about the resentment you felt towards your huband--every day thereafter?

Resentment is toxic for relationships. Your relationship may be tough now, but believe me, it's better than what it would be like if you gave in.

When you talk to your husband, follow Steve's line of thinking and ask "What are you afraid of?"

If he starts rambling off an endless list of potential risks...then realize that the list is, in fact, endless.

Anyone can think up any number of risks...you could be there the whole night. Instead, stop thinking about risk and start focusing on the potential of your work.

Consider this: Most successful people had to deal with opposition to their ideas. Many, like you, had critical partners. Did they give up, or did they plough on despite their partners' feelings?

- - -

On a personal note, I was in a similar situation for several years. My father was a very, very controlling person. My mother once said that he would control everything in your life, if you let him.

Like your husband, he would manipulate people by sulking, acting depressed, and even claiming that they were "tearing the family apart" by not simply working within his rules.

We--the rest of the family--eventually solved this through (1) standing our ground and letting him sulk, (2) not letting his feelings interrupt our activities, and (3) pointing out that he did not like his own siblings telling him what to do.

Number (3) was especially important, as his family members would often criticize him for not being Catholic, for not having a lot of money, etc., etc. In addition to convincing him, it also reminded us of his hypocrasy.

Does your huband have someone who tried to control him in the past? Did he have to stand up to his own parents, to pursue his career?

Point out a similar situation to him. Even if he doensn't budge, at first, it will remind you that he had a similar experince--and will underscore his own hypocrasy.

In any case, good luck!

[Lola]

Vandana -
Often when we are transitioning and creating positive change in our own lives, the people most resistant to that change are the ones closest to us. Our spouses, children, friends and family are accustomed to us being and doing a certain way in their lives. When we start changing that, we are in essence affecting change in their lives as well. Insecurities and even resentments can surface, and we're standing there wondering why can't this person who loves me so much be more supportive?

I do think it's a good idea to talk with your husband about your desired pursuits and listen, as Steve said, carefully to his concerns. Perhaps you can both get back on the same team with truthful, loving, considerate conversation.

If you determine, however, that he is attempting to control and manipulate you with his behavior, as Tasaio pointed out, and will not *tolerate* you continuing to pursue your new career, then you have to determine your priorities in the situation.

Good luck.
Lola

[vandana2626]

Originally Posted by Tasaio

Think about it--if you were to give in to your husband's criticism, and stop what you're doing, do you honestly feel you could go back to being the exact same person as before?

Could you go back to being a normal housewife for the rest of your life?

No, there is no question of going back because only now have I realised -after seeing the tantrums- just how much the success of our mariage depended on my passivity and submission. It would be suicidal to go back to such an existence!

And, dear Tasaio, your answer just brought to light one of the greatest ironies of the situation which had never occured to me until now. My husband had quit his job and started his own business a few years ago in the face of violent opposition from his parents. And yes, no prizes for guessing who was the only person who supported him!!

Life is quite a strange place.

[vandana2626]

Originally Posted by Lola

Perhaps you can both get back on the same team with truthful, loving, considerate conversation.

Yes Lola, I too am hoping that my husband is merely insecure and afraid that my obsession with my new career (and the possibility of it becoming a great success,) may entirely supplant him in my affections. Esp. going by the fervour with which I have been going about it! Hope the air will clear after a good, long, honest talk. Thanks for the support and guidance!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by vandana2626

... have I realised -after seeing the tantrums- just how much the success of our mariage depended on my passivity and submission.

Vandana, before going into discussion with your husband, I would examine your belief, above, first. If you carry this attitude into your conversation, you might find that resentment and defensiveness will be predominately present. If I were you, I would commit to an inspiring possibility to bring to the conversation, one that you can consider to be a gift you're bringing to your husband, should he choose to accept it. When I say "inspiring possibility", I'm talking about the quality or condition that is present in YOUR life as you go about the business of your business, the quality or condition that you are generating by pursuing your career. Not the product, but the way of being.

If you generate in your conversation what works well in creating a life you love, and practice letting go of what doesn't work, you can completely reinvent what a successful marriage looks like for you.

By the way, I find your style of writing very graceful and fun to read.

[vandana2626]

Thanks Angela!
Yes, i know there's still a lot of rage and confusion inside me over the proceedings, and I am far from being in the happy, inspired and fulfilled being I would have to bring into the conversation, if it has to end up having a meaningful outcome. So perhaps I do need to work on myself a little and rise above my resentment before I confront him over this... .