Soulmates?

[bsitto]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading a lot of these articles and for a long time. I find them helpful but somewhat inaccurate at times. For example the article called "Feelings"...as I read that article the emotion iT brought out of me caused to start crying uncontrollably. A long time ago I met someone who changed my life and due to a miserable and self-esteem-crushing childhood this person never got to love the real me. My subjective reality of the situation was a reflection of how he was to me which was wonderful. His subjective reality of me was a roller coaster ride with more downs then ups. I pushed hime away and he jumped into a marriage. During this time we became friends again. He got to really know me for the first time and I am confident to say thet if he was not married then we would be. I fell for him all over again and he basically admitted his feelings for me. However he is a duty fullfiller and because he doesnt want to ruin so many lives he is staying with wife and baby. In a way I respect him for that. Well being the smart girl that I am I know that I need to end the friendship and move on. Tearing away from this intense connection we have is the same as tearing off a limb. It hurts so bad I can't breathe. My point about the "Feelings" article is that it encourages me to call this person because just the sound of his voice is like food for my heart. I feel like I am sleep walking and when I talk to him all of a sudden I am fully awake. He is my heart and my "feelings" are screaming for him. But I know calling him is wrong. It makes it worse to know that he feels just as happy to hear from me. PLEASE HELP THIS HAS BEEN MY TORTURE FOR ALOST 5 YEARS.....ANY ADVICE???

P.S. IF THE LAW OF ATTRACTION WORKS...DOES THAT MEAN I CAN WANT HIM ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY GET TO BE WITH HIM ONE DAY???

[Erin Pavlina]

These two blog entries may help you with your situation:

Do you believe in Soul Mates?

Can You Use Law of Attraction to Attract a Specific Person Into Your Life?

[bsitto]

Erin,

I appreciate the two articles you referred me too, they helped somewhat. But can you do this? Rap your mind around the possibility that there is someone out there that could fit you and your life better than Steve does. From what I can gather it seems as though you two are the definition of soulmate.

I feel like I have a good arguement in this sense....to me, the strength of chemistry and attraction can almost determine the compatibility of two people. Without it there isn't much to work with. I have discovered that the stronger the chemistry the deeper the capacity for love. I almost feel like this can be proven (but just my theory). Well my point to this is that the strength of the chemistry and connection I feel with this person is so strong that I do not believe that I can find something stronger (I know thats an assumption but if you can please trust me on this I would appreciate it). To make matters worse he feels it too it would make things so much easier for me if it was one sided. Thats easy to get over.

If you can tell me how you would be able to tell yourself one thing as true (i will find someone better) but everthing is screaming inside that what you found is the deepest connection you will ever have. How do you tell yourself one thing and your guts tell you something else. I cannot fool myself. I wish I could...

[Erin Pavlina]

Well if that really is the case then it comes down to choice. He may well be the best person for you but if he's unwilling to leave his situation then you have a choice. Try to break him up (bad karma there) or move on (unhappiness possibly). But it's still your choice. Or you can accept the fact that he is unattainable and make the second best choice.

[bsitto]

I dont want to sound like one of those people that just needs to "get over it" the reason why I can't is because the one reason that I was able to get through my childhood was my daydreams of spending my life with the love of my life.

Its hard for me to let this go because I feel this connection in my heart. For me to try to move on is trying to convince myself that I won't get to spend the rest of my life with my true love. This has been my only dream and it is like taking away the one thing I have always wanted its too hard to think about.

I am being open to it though as much as I can be. What I think will happen is that in time I will forget him and the connection and through forgetting I will be more accepting of someone else even though the connection might not be quite as strong. I dont like the way this sounds. Its not what I want

Thank you for any advice....

I really love this site...

[bsitto]

Thank you for your quick reply Erin ,

I agree with what you said and its pretty much the conclusion I came to. I will not create bad karma so therefore I am currently pretty miserable lol.

My heart is more broken then can be described. But I have been dealing with this for a long time and I'm passed the halfway point of misery.

Unfortunately, the consequence has been my loss of faith.

Thank you again Erin

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by bsitto

I dont want to sound like one of those people that just needs to "get over it" the reason why I can't is because the one reason that I was able to get through my childhood was my daydreams of spending my life with the love of my life.

Its hard for me to let this go because I feel this connection in my heart. For me to try to move on is trying to convince myself that I won't get to spend the rest of my life with my true love. This has been my only dream and it is like taking away the one thing I have always wanted its too hard to think about.

bsitto, can I write with you in private? I wished for someone to understand me and my situation, and you will, because you're in it. Even your life dream was the same as mine.

[Erin Pavlina]

I will add this. Many years ago, when I was 15 I met a man I loved dearly. As our friendship grew into our 20's I thought he was the man I was going to marry. He was exactly what I wanted. But circumstances were never quite right for us and eventually we parted, still friends. I thought I had lost my soul mate.

Then I met Steve. I can say with 20/20 hindsight that Steve was a better match for me than that first guy. But if you had asked me at the time I would have stated, for the record, that that other guy and I were "supposed" to be together.

Don't lose faith.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by bsitto

...the strength of chemistry and attraction can almost determine the compatibility of two people. Without it there isn't much to work with. I have discovered that the stronger the chemistry the deeper the capacity for love.

I think that is true - that there are chemistry levels between people that just is. But if there's no emotional maturity it will be difficult even if the chemistry is high. I think often unavailable love interests makes it easier to ignore the emotional maturity parts. The situation of someone you can't really hang out with doesn't let you see their true colors or behaviours which might require having emotional maturity to deal with. But those tests are not avaiable with someone that is already with someone.

If you can tell me how you would be able to tell yourself one thing as true (i will find someone better) but everthing is screaming inside that what you found is the deepest connection you will ever have. How do you tell yourself one thing and your guts tell you something else. I cannot fool myself. I wish I could...

I think the real connection is a case of dellusion. The unavailable person as a love interest allows you to fill in the gaps as being glorious and perfect when you really don't know how it would be if you could be with him, like if he forgets to take the tash out and that bothers you.

Soul mates sometimes are not there to be with but to show you temptation or reflect something about yourself so you can become more whole. Falling for someone that is unavaiable is showing you how to love w/out attachment and as temptation, maybe. And that could be a soul mate think that you both decided before incarnating to go through that. It doesn't matter that he says he's into you too or not, I don't see that. It's still a "what could have been".

[Angela]

If you want to be with a soulmate, be a soulmate.

Recognize that you are perfect, whole, and complete, whether you have a companion or lover, or you are alone. Be a person into whose life your soulmate can step confidently, joyfully, and peacefully. You have the power to generate for yourself what you want, and what you think you will find only in your perfect match.

All the old pain you carry with you now in your search for a mate will determine the kind of match you will find. If you plunge headlong into a new relationship, still hauling around pain from the old one, the people who will be attracted and attractive to you will be the people whose pain complements yours -- you will continue to live out the pain again and again until you complete it. You'll say to yourself, "why, oh why, do I always find myself in the same kind of relationship?!? or no relationship at all." and the answer to that is: because you continue time and time again to bring the same way of being to your encounters with potential mates.

Try a new way of being -- one that inspires you! One that is geared at least as much towards generating a life you are in love with as it is towards finding a soulmate. Inspired action will arise naturally out of your new, inspired way of being.

You have been suffering for five years because you have been being, "I can only be happy if I'm with Mr. Feelings." Try on another way of being! You may want to get help in getting there via The Work of Byron Katie, The Landmark Forum, talk therapy, journaling, or speaking with a friend who has the kind of relationship you'd like to be in.

[bsitto]

Thank you all for your input this really helps.....

Bliss Sage:

Absolutely! My e-mail address is kd_867@yahoo.com.

Erin,

What you say makes sense except you mention you were 15 I don't know if you agree but that is probably closer to puppy love and can be easily mistaken for the real thing. Since I am more than 10 years older than that Im pretty confident on how I feel about this. Hope that makes sense!

Wolfgang,

I agree with you on countless levels! I have no idea how it would be if we were actually living with each other. That has crossed my mind. This can help me determine that though: We have the same view point on family, kids, religion, lifestyle, finance, even politics. Throw in the chemistry and that sounds like a match made in heaven . Oh and don't forget we knew each other for 2 years before he got married. As far as living adjustments like taking out the trash, if something so minor needs to be taken into consideration then no one should get married! These are small adjustments....

Heres another theory I have: Pretty much everyone meets someone that alters their world (again I relate this to the strength of chemistry) but it is so sad because the intense feelings that come with that are sometimes too hard to handle so thats why most couples cant make it, its too hard. The strong feelings bring out each persons issues and insecurities (which is what you said and is so true). If each person can face there own issues and grow in the relationship then you have a fighting chance. But a lot of times it ends up falling apart. With me it's too late even though Ive grown and he's seen that, but as you said, he is attached.

It is "what could have been" their is nothing that can be done. I know this. The part I am having the hardest time with is that the level of chemistry and attraction we shared is one I dont see ever being matched much less surpassed.

Angela:

You are so true in what you say. The best thing any person can do for themselves is to fall in love with themselves and take action in their own life. I am a college student pursuing a degree in psychology. I love the idea of counseling people one day. I am working and I have wonderful friends who I am constantly around. I eat helathy and workout. I am doing everything and anything I can to feed my soul. BUT....

Everyone has a dream and everyone has a life goal. Mine just so happens to be a fantasy of marrying the man that makes my heart skip a beat even when Im 60, and with that man I build the most loving caring home imaginable with my children. Some people fantasize about big careers or a vacation home I dream of making chocolate chip cookies with my babies while Im on the phone with my husband whos going to be running late for dinner. Yes my silly dream is a family. This is the only thing on this earth that can make me the happiest I can ever feel. So how am I supposed face the fact that what I want won't be fully complete??? I already know that the connection I have with this person can never be matched (and no I dont mean I wont find someone like him, thats not it at all) I just dont believe I can find that strong of a CONNECTION again. I don't see myself getting married to someone unless I feel for them at that level so that single-handedly crushes my dream. Until now I haven't been able to find anyone who can give me a strong enough arguement to prove that otherwise.....I was hoping to achieve that through this thread.


Thank you all for your feed back its very helpful!