I have been reading a lot of these articles and for a long time. I find them helpful but somewhat inaccurate at times. For example the article called "Feelings"...as I read that article the emotion iT brought out of me caused to start crying uncontrollably. A long time ago I met someone who changed my life and due to a miserable and self-esteem-crushing childhood this person never got to love the real me. My subjective reality of the situation was a reflection of how he was to me which was wonderful. His subjective reality of me was a roller coaster ride with more downs then ups. I pushed hime away and he jumped into a marriage. During this time we became friends again. He got to really know me for the first time and I am confident to say thet if he was not married then we would be. I fell for him all over again and he basically admitted his feelings for me. However he is a duty fullfiller and because he doesnt want to ruin so many lives he is staying with wife and baby. In a way I respect him for that. Well being the smart girl that I am I know that I need to end the friendship and move on. Tearing away from this intense connection we have is the same as tearing off a limb. It hurts so bad I can't breathe. My point about the "Feelings" article is that it encourages me to call this person because just the sound of his voice is like food for my heart. I feel like I am sleep walking and when I talk to him all of a sudden I am fully awake. He is my heart and my "feelings" are screaming for him. But I know calling him is wrong. It makes it worse to know that he feels just as happy to hear from me. PLEASE HELP THIS HAS BEEN MY TORTURE FOR ALOST 5 YEARS.....ANY ADVICE???
P.S. IF THE LAW OF ATTRACTION WORKS...DOES THAT MEAN I CAN WANT HIM ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY GET TO BE WITH HIM ONE DAY???
These two blog entries may help you with your situation:
Do you believe in Soul Mates?
Can You Use Law of Attraction to Attract a Specific Person Into Your Life?
I appreciate the two articles you referred me too, they helped somewhat. But can you do this? Rap your mind around the possibility that there is someone out there that could fit you and your life better than Steve does. From what I can gather it seems as though you two are the definition of soulmate.
I feel like I have a good arguement in this sense....to me, the strength of chemistry and attraction can almost determine the compatibility of two people. Without it there isn't much to work with. I have discovered that the stronger the chemistry the deeper the capacity for love. I almost feel like this can be proven (but just my theory). Well my point to this is that the strength of the chemistry and connection I feel with this person is so strong that I do not believe that I can find something stronger (I know thats an assumption but if you can please trust me on this I would appreciate it). To make matters worse he feels it too it would make things so much easier for me if it was one sided. Thats easy to get over.
If you can tell me how you would be able to tell yourself one thing as true (i will find someone better) but everthing is screaming inside that what you found is the deepest connection you will ever have. How do you tell yourself one thing and your guts tell you something else. I cannot fool myself. I wish I could...
Well if that really is the case then it comes down to choice. He may well be the best person for you but if he's unwilling to leave his situation then you have a choice. Try to break him up (bad karma there) or move on (unhappiness possibly). But it's still your choice. Or you can accept the fact that he is unattainable and make the second best choice.
I dont want to sound like one of those people that just needs to "get over it" the reason why I can't is because the one reason that I was able to get through my childhood was my daydreams of spending my life with the love of my life.
Its hard for me to let this go because I feel this connection in my heart. For me to try to move on is trying to convince myself that I won't get to spend the rest of my life with my true love. This has been my only dream and it is like taking away the one thing I have always wanted its too hard to think about.
I am being open to it though as much as I can be. What I think will happen is that in time I will forget him and the connection and through forgetting I will be more accepting of someone else even though the connection might not be quite as strong. I dont like the way this sounds. Its not what I want :(
Thank you for any advice....
I really love this site...
Thank you for your quick reply Erin :),
I agree with what you said and its pretty much the conclusion I came to. I will not create bad karma so therefore I am currently pretty miserable lol.
My heart is more broken then can be described. But I have been dealing with this for a long time and I'm passed the halfway point of misery.
Unfortunately, the consequence has been my loss of faith.
Thank you again Erin :)
I will add this. Many years ago, when I was 15 I met a man I loved dearly. As our friendship grew into our 20's I thought he was the man I was going to marry. He was exactly what I wanted. But circumstances were never quite right for us and eventually we parted, still friends. I thought I had lost my soul mate.
Then I met Steve. I can say with 20/20 hindsight that Steve was a better match for me than that first guy. But if you had asked me at the time I would have stated, for the record, that that other guy and I were "supposed" to be together.
Don't lose faith.
I wonder what the posters in this thread would say:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/s...tml#post138768 the ones that say it's possible to love without attachement and heartache - and that it's better to fall in love without the fear of rejection.
Soul mates sometimes are not there to be with but to show you temptation or reflect something about yourself so you can become more whole. Falling for someone that is unavaiable is showing you how to love w/out attachment and as temptation, maybe. And that could be a soul mate think that you both decided before incarnating to go through that. It doesn't matter that he says he's into you too or not, I don't see that. It's still a "what could have been".
If you want to be with a soulmate, be a soulmate.
Recognize that you are perfect, whole, and complete, whether you have a companion or lover, or you are alone. Be a person into whose life your soulmate can step confidently, joyfully, and peacefully. You have the power to generate for yourself what you want, and what you think you will find only in your perfect match.
All the old pain you carry with you now in your search for a mate will determine the kind of match you will find. If you plunge headlong into a new relationship, still hauling around pain from the old one, the people who will be attracted and attractive to you will be the people whose pain complements yours -- you will continue to live out the pain again and again until you complete it. You'll say to yourself, "why, oh why, do I always find myself in the same kind of relationship?!? or no relationship at all." and the answer to that is: because you continue time and time again to bring the same way of being to your encounters with potential mates.
Try a new way of being -- one that inspires you! One that is geared at least as much towards generating a life you are in love with as it is towards finding a soulmate. Inspired action will arise naturally out of your new, inspired way of being.
You have been suffering for five years because you have been being, "I can only be happy if I'm with Mr. Feelings." Try on another way of being! You may want to get help in getting there via The Work of Byron Katie, The Landmark Forum, talk therapy, journaling, or speaking with a friend who has the kind of relationship you'd like to be in.
Thank you all for your input this really helps.....
Absolutely! My e-mail address is email@example.com.
What you say makes sense except you mention you were 15 I don't know if you agree but that is probably closer to puppy love and can be easily mistaken for the real thing. Since I am more than 10 years older than that Im pretty confident on how I feel about this. Hope that makes sense!
I agree with you on countless levels! I have no idea how it would be if we were actually living with each other. That has crossed my mind. This can help me determine that though: We have the same view point on family, kids, religion, lifestyle, finance, even politics. Throw in the chemistry and that sounds like a match made in heaven ;). Oh and don't forget we knew each other for 2 years before he got married. As far as living adjustments like taking out the trash, if something so minor needs to be taken into consideration then no one should get married! These are small adjustments....
Heres another theory I have: Pretty much everyone meets someone that alters their world (again I relate this to the strength of chemistry) but it is so sad because the intense feelings that come with that are sometimes too hard to handle so thats why most couples cant make it, its too hard. The strong feelings bring out each persons issues and insecurities (which is what you said and is so true). If each person can face there own issues and grow in the relationship then you have a fighting chance. But a lot of times it ends up falling apart. With me it's too late even though Ive grown and he's seen that, but as you said, he is attached.
It is "what could have been" their is nothing that can be done. I know this. The part I am having the hardest time with is that the level of chemistry and attraction we shared is one I dont see ever being matched much less surpassed.
You are so true in what you say. The best thing any person can do for themselves is to fall in love with themselves and take action in their own life. I am a college student pursuing a degree in psychology. I love the idea of counseling people one day. I am working and I have wonderful friends who I am constantly around. I eat helathy and workout. I am doing everything and anything I can to feed my soul. BUT....
Everyone has a dream and everyone has a life goal. Mine just so happens to be a fantasy of marrying the man that makes my heart skip a beat even when Im 60, and with that man I build the most loving caring home imaginable with my children. Some people fantasize about big careers or a vacation home I dream of making chocolate chip cookies with my babies while Im on the phone with my husband whos going to be running late for dinner. Yes my silly dream is a family. This is the only thing on this earth that can make me the happiest I can ever feel. So how am I supposed face the fact that what I want won't be fully complete??? I already know that the connection I have with this person can never be matched (and no I dont mean I wont find someone like him, thats not it at all) I just dont believe I can find that strong of a CONNECTION again. I don't see myself getting married to someone unless I feel for them at that level so that single-handedly crushes my dream. Until now I haven't been able to find anyone who can give me a strong enough arguement to prove that otherwise.....I was hoping to achieve that through this thread.
Thank you all for your feed back its very helpful!
bsitto: He's not the one for you.
When you meet your soulmate you will know it into your bones, and more than that, the universe will shift mountains to have you be together. This isn't happening with the man you love at all, he's married with a child and he has too much honour to give up such a strong commitment. Feel grateful for the time you did get to spend with him, and the friendship you two now share.
I see him as being a guiding light in your life. He was sent to show you that such a deep and loving connection between you and someone else is indeed possible and that you shouldn't settle for anything less than true happiness. Right now he feels like he is the one you are meant to be with, but, without a doubt, there is someone even better for you that compliments you in EVERY way. It seems impossible now, but it will happen, you just have to be open for it.
Look around you for the very tiny hints the universe sends you in regards to finding who you are meant to be with. They are there, but right now they are just whispers. Follow them.
In the end, if you were meant to be with him, you would be now. You knew him for two years and as much as your relationship grew, it didn't turn into marrage. Life got in the way, you both had stuff to deal with and I think this is why you met, to help each other grow and to show you what could be.
For now, chrish the time you had together, and look towards a brighter future. Your real guy is out there somewhere.
bsitto, I would like to offer some insight into this that I don't think has been covered yet.....about the intensity of the connection....
The following bits from your posts have led me to want to reply (sorry for the long quotes, but there is useful info there!):
How am I doing? Did I nail it?
This has happened to me on a few occasions..and it was crippling....but from the otherside I know what it is and what lesson it taught me
For me it was a transatlantic thing...I met someone online about 5 years ago.....who I had this connection with....the end result was the same pain/tug of the heart
So what is it? Well for you I've highlighted the clues in what you wrote....
I hope you don't mind me applying it specifically to you (and I am trying not to assume to much)
The miserable self esteem crushing childhood (deep unresolved feeling of being unloved)....your counter...and your sheild to this is your dream of being loved....this is no bad thing...it was your survival mechanism to the pain you felt in childhood
So feelings...the deep connection....he came into your life and offered unconditional love....it filled the hole your unresolved pain and mask of 'only the love of another'....
The connection to the buried part of you was established....and now he is unatainable it pulls to the surface the old pain...the mask fights to protect you..and the end feeling is two fold.....you cannot let go as it balanced the 'unloved'..and so without it that feeling flows to the surface....the mask job is to protect you from this feeling..so it only lets through the overwhelmind desire to not have the 'unloved'...and with it it plays the masks message 'through my childhood was my daydreams of spending my life with the love of my life' ....and the sence the feeling is leaving...hence the dream is leaving....hence it must be faught for!
All those years of focusing on the dream...all that eneregy gets pured into that connection..and the sence of unctrolled pulling....did you realise its all your energy?? and that you created it??
Before judgements kick in..or other defences...this isn't a bad thing...its not wrong...its not that there is no love there...and yes it is scary (pealing back the layers is!)
He was the hook for your heart...more specifically your unresolved feelings from childhood...
Ok..enough of the psychological view...how to help!
Realise its you..and its ok...and its what you needed to survive....accept any love there...but the 'tug' is not going to help either of you
I was learning about energy (or chi) at the same time this happened to me..so I tried something....the tug was from my heart...and I recognised it as an energy link (you really are connected!)...but if that is too big a step..you can't think of it purely psychologically if you want.
In the end...you've seen where and what the connection is ankered too...for me I sat quietly and let the feeling go...I literally imagined a rope around my heart...that I was holding onto...and I let go....I cried my heart out and the weight was gone..the tug....it needed a bit more work...and the understanding came later....
He is there to help you learn and grow through learning what the connection is..and how to let go...not of the dream....that a fantastic dream!!!! just what its been masking...let go the feeling....know you are loved and can feel love...and that its your choice to let go the pull of the heart...let go of your old pain...and let yourself heal
Another meditation I used in relation to unresolved pain was to imagine myself now, hugging myself as a child....its rather intense...
Well....I hope my approach wasn't too harsh..or the post to long...and that you find release...and then the man of your dreams!! (preferably in that order)
Thank you for the replies they are really making me think and take other ideas into consideration.
Your words are very inspiring and encouraging. I want to believe what you say with all my heart but it's not easy and I think it's going to take a lot of work.
Thank you for taking the time to give me the reality check that I am sensing through your words...BSITTO HE IS UNAVAILABLE WHY ARE YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT AN UNAVAILABLE GUY??? That pretty much covers it right? ;) I understand what you're saying especially if I continue to think this way then it's exactly what I'm going to end up getting in life - second best. Which is what your saying: that I'm going to create exactly what I'm thinking in my head. Unless I can somehow believe that this guy wasn't my one and only then I have a better chance of getting what I want. God its so hard. I wish I knew how. If I feel this way inside then its too hard to convince myself otherwise.
I understand what your saying its the same thing I've been hearing for a while and thats move on and be open to the idea that I will find better.
I guess the next step is HOW??? How do conquer such an impossible sounding task.
I know I keep mentioning chemistry and you said you can have chemistry with more than one person which I agree with but I guess I really need reassurance that if I meet someone else the chemistry will be as strong if not stronger. Im not sitting around waiting for this person. Im open to getting excited for someone new. I just wish somehow someone can just promise me or gaurantee me that on a chemistry scale that this guy was a 9 and I will meet a 10. Because the way I see it now he's a 10 and there is no such thing as 11.
You seem to get exactly what I'm talking about and it gives me a spark of hope that all this could just be psychological. What made you realize it was you? and how were you able to prove to yourself that you didnt lose the love of your life? Was it just by realizing it was a psychological problem? It seems you have the answer. I read your post then I read it again. Did you nail it, you ask?? Oh my...and then some!! You described the emotion he gives me perfectly. I was trying to understand the psychological description of how this guy is connected to my deep rooted emotions. I think I understood what you meant for the most part and that he is basically tied not to my heart but to old, unresolved pain. Then what I did was create it into this undying love...am I on track?
Ok as far as your solution I am going to try what you said and I hope I can accomplish what you were able to. My mind control isnt that strong so I don't know if I can. Any other advice on how to let this person go from my mind would be greatly appreciated.
I'll tell you the part I have the hardest time with and thats the intense emotion I get just thinking about him. And remembering the intensity of the connection. It is so hard to believe that I can feel that strength with someone else. I've met a lot of people and so far it's never come close.
Thank you all again.....this feels like therapy and it helps.
btw, I have had more than one "one" in my life.
I understand what you're saying that basically since I'm so wrapped up with this idea in my head that I am making it stronger and seemingly more real as a result and that also I am possibly one of those that wants what they can't have.
I would really like for you to know something about me....that I am pretty darn intelligent. I don't allow myself to get caught up in something unless I've looked at it from each angle because when people don't do that that's when major regrets and mistakes happen.
I have tested the possibility that I am too blind in my emotions to really know if Im creating this connection in my head or not. and I've also tested the possibility that maybe I want him so badly because I cant have him. Both did not pan out. God I wish they did!!! Then I wouldnt be so caught up in this. I WANT to find some answer that can tell me that this is not real and its becaue of "x" reason and I will find someone else. Trust me I have dissected this to the very last emotion and I give myself credit for how close to objective I can be about it.
Me and him did not talk for almost a year, I dated someone else during, so I was able to fade out most of the feelings (or so I thought). It was also during the time he was engaged and got married. (He met her and then married her 9 months later). So I disliked him strongly. Anyway when I ran into him again I was able to put everything into a clear perspective. It was so amazing to me when I discovered that just being within a few feet away from him I found it harder to breath, my heart started to beat faster, and I could not stop smiling because just looking at him made me feel so good. He had the same expression on his face. Later on in retrospect I was shocked. I did not expect to react like that.
During our relationship, before my issues came out, he was very into me and I was so confident in the relationship. I had him and I knew it. This did not make me want him anyless I was so happy about it. I have fantasies now of somehow me and him finding away to be together. I picture it in my head as true. The intense feeling of happiness and love that washes over me tells me that if he were mine it would not make me want him any less. I am very confident about this and I have replayed a lot of these possibilites in my head.
With that said....even though I want so badly for all of this to be some psychological issue from my childhood, or somehow Im blinded by my feelings or my need for him, Im just not so sure thats it. BUT Ive been taking it all into consideration and since I'm getting such great feedback of other people in this situation it has left a glimmer of hope that I (HOPEFULLY) could be wrong and I have better things to come. I am more open to this then I have ever been. Thats progress!!
Chemistry is a feeling and can be compared without bringing the person in the middle of it. Chemistry is butterflies, excitement, love, connection, attraction Chemistry has different degrees. So when I talk about comparing I dont compare the individuals. If I meet someone that is lets say the opposite of this person but they bring out all those feelings I mention above and the intensity is as strong as this one guy then ILL TAKE IT! That would be perfect! That is what Im hoping will happen. Im doubtful only because like I said it feels like a 10 and there is no 11. I want to be wrong.
You mentioned having more then one "ones". This is just my opnion but I feel pretty sure that if you sat down and thought about it you will discover that the intensity of the attraction and chemistry was maybe slightly more strong with one than the other....
I don't compare past loves. Each one was different and had lots chemistry. Maybe there's a certain thresehold that makes the chemistry to be attracted to someone. Not each girl I meet will I get a chemistry hit. But I see it more as it's there or it isnt and the level is something that changes a bit anyway with someone, especially if you start physical things the chemistry gets amplified. Or bad emotional chemistry can ruin the romanitc chemistry.
You are smart I see that.
I'm not sure how much playing things in your head is testing what is.
I'l glad you see a glimmer of hope.
If this promise is all you need, then consider it done. I loved 3½ guys (the ½ is the first one who I think I was too young to fully love) and each one I thought was the one meant for me. My love for each guy got progressively more substantial and the connection between me and the guy stronger with each new guy and I had been long deceived by a bond I had imagined existed between me and the first 1½ guys which made me certain that the guy in question was the one for me. After my experience with the 2½ guy, I realized that the bond I experienced was 1. always one-sided and 2. existed within me whenever I love someone, independent of the relationship and the guy.
What I'm trying to say, is guy #1½ was better than guy #½, guy #2½ was better than guy #1½ etc. And my love and bond with each one was always stronger and/or more real than the previous one and each relationship had more substance than the previous one.
If you are only on #1, I'm sure that the next one will exceed him.
Now I don't know what all this stuff about chemistry is either, though. The way you described it though, it reminds me of a joke from the Muppet Show:
Man pig: Oh, I'm so crazy about you I can't see straight!
Lady pig: I'm so goofy about you I can't eat!
Man pig: I'm so much in love with you I can't even sleep!
Lady pig: Well what should we do?
Zuit the saxophone player: Check into a hospital man!
I love hearing this...that others can tell me for a fact that they have felt very strongly for more than one.
I want to also apologize if I come accross as very stubborn or naive about relationships or if I can seem hostile at all. I dont intend this.....
Wolfgang: Thank you for all your feed back you don't know how much I appreciate you taking the time. Same to everyone else.
So what takes a person from being just another person you are dating to the one that cannot be replaced. I wonder what determines this.....
I like to think 2 people are connected somehow and not so easily replaceable.
Have any of you loved more than once but can say you have found "the love of your life"? And what makes them that?
I have to skip your last question, but I have some advice for you that if only someone had been kind enough to tell me even after my last devastating experience in love, if not earlier, I could have salvaged my life and my dream. You have only experienced this once, so you are still able to not ruin everything like I have done. Read this website, read about the Law of Attraction, work on yourself, get over your emotional issues, present and past, use the advice given to other people in the forums, read the books, get the CD's, do the meditation and intentions etc. and then get your love right the second time. I hope you manage to do what I didn't. Good luck.
You're so silly, lol :o . You give me this great advice and yet you sound as though it's too late for you?? If what you and others are saying is true then it's never too late, right??
My situation may not be 110% hopeless, but what it would require is Divine Intervention...I don't know if I can LoA Divine Intervention into my situation.
It's not that you want a family. It's that you have a family, that you be in love in exactly the same way or more intensely than the feeling you have for this particular unavailable fellow (chances are if you DID find that feeling, it would be with yet another unavailable fellow), the sound of his voice must be food for your heart, and it won't really feel like love to you unless there is some pain or yearning involved.
If you are experiencing a lack of power or effectiveness in your life, the best thing to do (after taking 100% responsibility, of course!) is to look at what you can give up. It sounds counterintuitive, I know, but the more you're holding onto, the harder it is to accept what you want.
My guess is that you're holding onto your painful attachment to the married guy because you are very frightened of what it takes to create a real LLTMBR -- taking 100% responsibility, letting go of what there is to let go of, and being (generating) the qualities and conditions that you desire in life, regardless of any other person's thoughts or actions.
There's no room in your life for a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) until you surrender your marriage to a specific outcome.
I hope you *get* that for christmas!
Little late coming, but did find a relevent post in Erins forum related to part of this....Soul Ties
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