Feelings (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Feelings

[paulk]

Wow, this seems like a really wonderful piece of evidence that I need to do something. So much so that I have to just write a note about it.

The past week I've been feeling really out-of-sorts and mildly depressed. And I've not been able to figure out why, exactly. It's been stressful at work for many people, however, not myself. People around me have been angry or frustrated, but I had no direct reason to feel that way myself.

So, I chalked up my own negative emotions to just environmental, absorbing the feelings of others. However, this morning (for me, morning) I open up my RSS reader and find this article sitting there to be read.

And you know what, it's helped me figure out what it was that's been bothering me. Steve was right, my feelings were telling me I was going along the wrong path. So badly, in fact, that I've gotten a mild cold as a result. Clearly I've been walking the wrong way for quite a few days now. I never get sick.

The past couple of weeks I've been neglecting my daily writing routine. After all, to become a good writer, you must write. I know that is the path I am to take and wandered off of it. Yesterday I realized this needed to change and started writing again. And today, well, today I feel better again.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I went through a similar period where I stopped writing for awhile and didn't feel the same. I felt uninspired and listless. When I finally got back to blogging and journaling, I totally hit the zone again and started cranking out some of the best stuff I had in awhile. Because of the bad feelings I was having while not writing, I remembered the power it has and started doing it again.

It is just amazing to experience the flow state once you are in it. Doing what does not feel like work, but joy is the key to getting into the flow. Steve, you've topped yourself again. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.

[Love]

This was a really useful way for me to think about my feelings. Thank you!

[daredevil83]

Great article!

I have to say, that there is one emotion that I find really hard to deal with. It's fear. It's emotion that I can't follow, because then I can't grow. Other emotions "say" about lack of something, but - for me - fear only points on danger (and it is good, but not in case, when this danger is created in my head) and "says" that I should avoid it. It makes me really confused and I feels like a blind. I feel fear, and I don't know, should I act or not?, should I avoid it or not? Is the thing I'm scared of worth enough to fight with fear or not?

----
Please forgive my English:-)

[backpocket]

Hmm...this is a timely post from you Steve. I've been working on managing my emotions and thought processes recently, and this article gave me one way to look at my emotions. Simply as a signal to tell me I need to realign my life a bit.

Synchronicity? I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this.

[Adelina]

Daredevil- that is a great question!

Our feelings can be helpful guides, but its important to know when they are TRUE feelings, and when they are false feelings.

For instance, we may feel anxious or even a bit fearful before giving a speech to a large audience, but that 'negative' feeling is a not a true feeling, in that we should heed what it is telling us to avoid the situation. In that case, we should acknowledge the feeling, understand that a part of our mind is anxious about the situation, but then convert the energy of that feeling into a positive state, a feeling of excitement, and channel that into the action.
In this case, we are supposed to ACT, even though we have a negative feeling, seeing that the negative feeling is not a true feeling.


To dissect the topic a bit- I see categories-

true, false
positive, negative

true positive feelings- yes, go (green light)

true negative- don't go (red light)

false positive- there's something about that thing or action that you like, find out what that element is, find it in its true form, and go there (yellow light)

false negative- part of you is reacting based on a false model of reality, or overcoming a past fear, so acknowledge the feeling, channel the energy in a positive direction, and go anyways (green light)


Feelings are very valuable indicators, may take a bit of practice to read them clearly! Also, your own feelings and intuition can become clearer with time and experience (a bit of calibration!)

[Amanda Norris]

Sometimes it's confusing when I start taking action because I feel fear and anxiety, which seem like negative feelings. But I think there's a difference between that kind of feeling and the real negative feelings Steve is talking about.
Let's say I'm in a neutral state of emotion, when I start feeling a negative feeling. Maybe I start feeling lonely because I haven't spent enough time interacting with other people lately. I could try to ignore or suppress this negative feeling, or I could take action to improve the situation. If I decide to take action, I might decide to try and phone some friends and plan to get together with them. But then I will feel fear and anxiety about phoning. That seems like a negative feeling. But if I push through that fear and take action anyway, then I'll be moving in a positive direction.
So how can you tell the difference between negative feelings that you should try to take action to correct, and the negative feeling of fear that you have to just have courage to get through?

[1dra]

Alright, I'm a bit embarassed to ask this question, but it's a challenge I've been working on for quite a few years now.

I have a more active libedo than my wife. It wasn't always this way, but after kids now it is. She's just not interested in it. I've tried to talk about it, tried to give her what she needs, tried to express mine. Nothing works. The bottom line is I love her. I won't go outside the marriage for this.

Still, she want's nothing really to do with it. Won't talk about it. Women change. Their bodies change. Horomones change. Priorities change. Focuses change. So deal with it.

Anyway--feelings: After 3 or 4 weeks (sometimes longer--the longest we went was 9 months) of, well, no sex, I start to get very negative feelings. I get depressed, moody, insecure etc. This of course is a viscous spiral. I mean, who wants to be with a guy like that right? I can't really blame her after that.

So I try to deny my "desires." Try to live with things the way they are. Or I try to channel my sexual energy into other creative endevors. And this seems to work for awhile.

But I can't seem to sustain it.

Any advise? Thoughts?

Thanks

[Savage]

If you're trying to get your needs/desires met through someone who declines to help you meet them, common sense dictates you'll have to look elsewhere.

Now if you're committed to being with a person who is also committed to not meeting your desires and at the same time you have a belief that getting your desires met with someone else is wrong, immoral, cheating, etc., then you're just punishing yourself for no good reason. While you may have been taught those rules by someone who seemed like they knew what they were talking about, if the rules aren't working, they're dumb rules.

No one is served by self-punishment. It just brings everyone down and sets a bad example for others. People will see your example and assume they should suffer to, and it's all pointless.

[Natsu]

Originally Posted by 1dra

I have a more active libedo than my wife. It wasn't always this way, but after kids now it is. She's just not interested in it. I've tried to talk about it, tried to give her what she needs, tried to express mine. Nothing works. The bottom line is I love her. I won't go outside the marriage for this.

Well, I see a problem, not only with her body (if she doesn't enjoy it, it's logical that she wants less sex), but with her attitude. I understand that if she doesn't enjoy it or it's painful, she won't be as interested in it as she was before. But I also think she should have a more positive attitude. I have never considered that a woman should be forced to have sex... But I have always considered that you have to take the needs of your partner into account. Nine months is way too much without it. But the problem is not that she isn't available. The problem is what you say later:

Still, she want's nothing really to do with it. Won't talk about it.

That's a negative and selfish attitude. "Things change, deal with it" is not what I would consider the response from a loving partner... I understand that at a certain point, one of the two spouses is going to have more sex thand s/he'd want, and the other is going to have less than s/he'd want. But one has to compromise. When she refuses to talk about it, that's bad news.

Hormones change, true: but there are specialists that can help you with those problems. There are sexologists, gynecologists and a wide arrange of experts in the subject. If her body has been damaged by the childbirth, I can understand her position, what I can't understand is her refusal to even talk about it. Unless she has suffere a traumatic shock, she's just being selfish. "Priorities change" is not a good enough excuse. If you are going to throw your marriage on the dumpster just because you have kids, that's not going to be good, either for you or your kids.

Women change. Their bodies change. Horomones change. Priorities change. Focuses change. So deal with it.

You should calmly tell her that she's being pretty selfish. Maybe you can ask an specialist. Never needed them, but I'd gladly do so if it meant to have a good marital life.

Any advise? Thoughts?

Try to consult an specialist or something... Try to get out of the house routine... maybe she'd be more receptive in a beautiful hotel than at home... I don't know what to say, but there are many options. You can ask a sexologist: it seems lack of libido is an average female problem. I've never had this problem, but there are lots of people who work in trying to help others solve it. Maybe you need to ask a professional. But, nothing will help you if she simply refuses to talk about it.

[songwriter]

Well, just two little things. Sometimes you feel bad but that doesn't mean exactly what you doing is wrong. Some phobias come from it.... like claustrophobia... or agoraphobia... in all these what's better is to do what you don't want to do. Or like when you hate your job but... even if you look for another... you found no-one you like and you have to deal with the stress of the job. Thought you know that in the long run, you should go away from it.

But a question, you can not want not what you want.... but can you want what you want not? I guess not.

A.I want to want something.
B.But I don't want it....

so It looks like I can't change A or B :-/

[Yynatago]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Erin and I both have sensitive emotional antennae, so sometimes the feelings we experience aren’t our own. For example, if a close relative is feeling great anxiety, one or both of us may feel intense negative emotion for no apparent reason. Once or twice we even made some phone calls to figure out who was worried and to ask them to please stop worrying so loudly

OMG, I thought I was the only one that felt this.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Yynatago

OMG, I thought I was the only one that felt this.

You're not the only one at all.

[Claradonna]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina View Post
Erin and I both have sensitive emotional antennae, so sometimes the feelings we experience aren’t our own. For example, if a close relative is feeling great anxiety, one or both of us may feel intense negative emotion for no apparent reason. Once or twice we even made some phone calls to figure out who was worried and to ask them to please stop worrying so loudly

Is there any way to protect yourself from this? Can you put a psychic-emotional shield around yourself to filter out the negative influences?

[Erin Pavlina]

You can dampen the field with which you pick up on other people's emotions. Or you can reflect the feeling back to its owner.

To dampen your field, do a chakra meditation where you pull in your chakras close to your body and imagine a golden light around the outside of your body. Ask your guides to please help you limit the energy that comes to you from others.

To gently reject the feeling, imagine a mirror in front of you and the anxiety bouncing off it and going out harmlessly into the sun or the universe. You don't want to reflect it back on to the person sending it because clearly they are already experiencing enough.

You can also send some love and healing energy back along the conduit that is bringing you the feelings in the first place.

[Henri J]

Steve has some weird timing going on, often when I'm having some trouble I go and look at what Steve's written about lately and find an article that helps me! This is one of those articles. I've been trying to attract a soulmate lately, and I am not the outdoorsy type and I do not enjoy hanging out in pubs with drunk individuals and I live in a small town where there really aren't much in the form of spiritual, meditation groups.

And then I wonder if I even want to become a part of a group? I don't know, I would be willing to try at least. I've been feverishly searching but not finding anything so I am not sure how to approach this and how to get myself out there more and at the same time I am a bit afraid of it.

Although the idea of starting martial arts again (I used to do jiujutsu) popped into my head yesterday and I thought it was a good idea, I am going to look around to what they have here, they have shootfighting at least so that is interesting and will help me keep active since I work from home.

Any ideas? Thanks

[Max0r]

This is quoted from a book.

"...there are only four pure emotions; namely, anger, fear, joy and melancholy. All other emotions are mixtures of two or more of these primary emotions, and as such are not pure. All four pure emotions are expressions of desire, the physical manifestation of the one universal force, intent. Anger is the desire to fight, fear is the desire to retreat, joy is the desire to live and melancholy is the desire to change."

[Cantando]

I like to view emotions as vibrations which inidicate to us how we feel.
There are many emotions and it is useful to view them as forming part of a scale, like a sequence of musical notes.

At the top, we have emotions like joy, enthusiasm and passion. As we move down, we hit on emotions like boredom, anger, grief, fear, etc.
Did you know that the best way to deal with someone who is exhibiting a negative emotion is to adopt a slightly higher one? By doing so, you will help raise his vibrational level.

We sometimes do this instinctively. For example, the next time you meet someone angry, just act bored (boredom is slightly higher than anger). After a while, he will stop being angry. If you react like him, or at a lower emotional level, he will continue being angry.

[Zukin]

In the book Maximum Achievement, Brian Tracy talks about emotions and shares this insight:

The insight that changed my life was the discovery that negative emotions are completely unnecessary and unnatural in the life of man. There is no need for them. They serve no good purpose. They are only destructive. They are the major reason men and women fail to grow and evolve to higher levels of consciousness and character. And you do not have to suffer them at all if you consciously choose to get rid of them.

I've always heard psychologists say that acknowledging and expressing negative emotions is important for growth, but I was skeptical of that advice. Now, cognitive behavioral therapy teaches people to consciously modify their emotions in order to be happier and more fulfilled.

This post is another interesting take on the idea of feelings as feedback:
Most People Are Depressed For a Very Good Reason · Violent Acres

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Zukin

In the book Maximum Achievement, Brian Tracy talks about emotions and shares this insight:

What he wrote sounds nice, but personally I think it's B.S.

[Chado2423]

I took my time to respond to this article because I had to let it sink in... For me personally this is one of the best Steve articles that I have read so far.

Feelings...Listen to Your Feelings and Change Your Life (article) by Dr. Ronald D. Bissell on AuthorsDen

[shnu]

If you have difficulty getting to grips with what lies behind your feelings, either because you cannot access them, or because they are overwhelming, the technique Eugene Gendlin (wikipedia) describes in his book Focusing (focusing.org), published 1978, is effective for many people, though it takes a certain investment in patience. The technique is less well known than it should be...

[Dylan]

I think the post assumes that you have a healthy emotional feedback mechanism. If you have one (as Steve does), then all you need do is pay more attention to your feelings, and they will give you good guidance. However, there are people who, for various reasons, have faulty feedback mechanisms. They don't interpret data correctly. I think of many women I know who continually make the wrong choices in men. They are in tune with their feelings, sure, but their interpretations steer them into one disaster after another. I'd be interested in seeing a post on how to get the feedback mechanism working properly so that feeling are interpreted correctly.

[louise23]

Originally Posted by Amanda Norris

Sometimes it's confusing when I start taking action because I feel fear and anxiety, which seem like negative feelings. But I think there's a difference between that kind of feeling and the real negative feelings Steve is talking about.
Let's say I'm in a neutral state of emotion, when I start feeling a negative feeling. Maybe I start feeling lonely because I haven't spent enough time interacting with other people lately. I could try to ignore or suppress this negative feeling, or I could take action to improve the situation. If I decide to take action, I might decide to try and phone some friends and plan to get together with them. But then I will feel fear and anxiety about phoning. That seems like a negative feeling. But if I push through that fear and take action anyway, then I'll be moving in a positive direction.
So how can you tell the difference between negative feelings that you should try to take action to correct, and the negative feeling of fear that you have to just have courage to get through?

.................................................. ....................
I would like to reply to your statement of feeling lonely and thinking calling someone is the answer--it is only a tempoary answer.

I feel feeling lonely is a symptom of a spiritual lack in one self, unfilled on the inside needing something on the outer to fulfill you.
I believe it is a time to reflect rather than run from the experience.

Louise

[Amanda Norris]

Hmm, Louise, that's interesting. I think you're right. I spend a lot of time alone, but I don't always feel lonely. I think probably when I feel lonely it's because I'm feeling inadequate. I feel like a loser with no friends and why would anyone want to spend time with me or find me interesting. So when I try to take action, like phoning someone, I feel fear and anxiety because I'm still feeling inadequate. I'm afraid they will reject me because I'm not good enough. So I need to address that underlying problem, otherwise I could be spending all my time with other people and still be having those negative feelings of inadequacy.

[Arlene deWinter]

Hi Andrew,
i was just inspired to say -- I have been in the arts all of my life and am a writer and artist.
Most artists have blakc periods. Why? its very useful. We go so deep inside, we touch deep things, we feel depressed beacuse someimes we find unresolved feelings and stuff. The reason you come so much more creative is that you have touched the core of life. If everything was fluffy bunnies owe would no be artists because we would be forever immature, our work would be banal, there would be no illumination for the audience so there would be no point.
if you want to be a great artist -- I do or why go through it? you sometimes suffer in service to the work. Not in a masochistic way, in a soul searching way. Just don't judge down times as bad -- don't judge them at all!
Don't succumb to the American happiness facists -- its fear based and shallow and unworthy of you.
Hope that helps!

[Jedyte]

Steve,

How about the feelings you feel when you move out of your comfort zone? often what you truly desires lies outside of it. It's can be initially painful and feel negative emotions to move out of that before you reach it and feel better.

Jedyte

[Andrew Gubb]

This was an awesome article. I loved the bit that went, "Feeling bad is a good thing - it helps you uncover a new desire to manifest".

Absolutely mind-blowing, Steve.

Andrew

[OlderWiser]

Unfortunately, the name of this thread and the article have put a really horrid Seventies song in my head, and now I can't get it out!

If you don't know what I'm talking about and/or you enjoy sappy, over-orchestrated Seventies ballads: YouTube - Feelings - Morris Albert

*sigh* Thanks, Steve!



Good article, though. I was particularly affected by this:

Erin and I both have sensitive emotional antennae, so sometimes the feelings we experience aren’t our own. For example, if a close relative is feeling great anxiety, one or both of us may feel intense negative emotion for no apparent reason.

Yup, me, too, though I've learned to use very effective psychic shielding to keep out extraneous emotional junk.