Overcoming Jealousy (Blog)

[Savage]

Use this thread to discuss the following entry from Steve Pavlina's blog:

Overcoming Jealousy

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thank you.

[Dan.Linehan]

Personally, I have more of an issue dealing with all the characters who aren't living ethically.

[Inca]

I agree, Dan.

If everything out there is all part of the greater "I", obviously I don't have any problem with the "good guys". But how do I now deal with those who are unethical, immoral, and in generaly do "bad" stuff?

Inca

[ahimel]

Speaking as someone who can become insanely jealous over the tiniest thing, I'd say that there's an element of fear in it also, in a lot of cases. (Granted, scarcity and fear often, but not always, go together).

When someone does better than I do, or goes farther than I can, or acquires something I can't have, it opens the door to all my fears of failure and inadequacy. Suddenly everything I've accomplished seems small and trivial. I fear that I'm simply destined to always be pathetic, that my greatest accomplishments will never inspire anyone or change the world in any way.

I'm sure the subjective viewpoint would help this problem a lot - if Steve is the same entity as I am, and that entity has quit its job and attained high levels of enlightenment and weekly writes articles that change the world, then of course I'm (in some sense) a great person. But I don't know that the abundance mindset would help all that much - I don't believe for a second that there's a fixed amount of respect in the world, and that for my coworker to have it takes it from me. I just don't believe that I can ever do anything to get any of that respect - an infinite quantity doesn't guarantee equal distribution.

I also know that there are a lot of people who DO become jealous because of a scarcity mindset -- many people I know take others' success as a personal insult. So it's still a good article, especially from someone who doesn't have personal experience with the problem.

[Savage]

So it would appear that self-esteem also plays a role in jealousy. If you don't fully accept and love yourself as you are, you could be more prone to comparing yourself to others as a way of artificially boosting your feeling of self-worth.

IMO this is still a mindset issue, albeit of a somewhat different nature. Self-worth is not a relative concept, since ultimately there's only one SELF, so there's no one else to beat or defeat. By trying to defeat others, you can only defeat yourself.

[songwriter]

This is one of the most important I've learnt in life.

So simple that sounds silly... if someone does something better than you, don't get jealous, but learn from him.

Over and over. You can see something succeeding at something you would want to succeed and have to basic reactions:

A: "Damn Jimmy Hendrix, I wish he cut his fingers so he could not play anymore!"
B: "I would like to play like that, he shows that is possible to do it, I've learnt from his style, and from other ones, so I'll create my own"

And that thing over and over...
I've met people in life... that... well... were special in whatever. !... "Oh, my he knows how to laugh anytime". I've learned from him, I can laugh quite the same.
"He's good in relating with people, he makes everyone have a good time, so himself", and I've tried to learn that with other person an a example.

What's best that a living example in front of you???
Also jealousy is quite self-destructive, kind of like hate... and admiration trying to learnt makes you grow. It doesn't mean "impersonation", copy "one single" person, but things you would like to be that some people already are.

There are lots of ways of learning, I think Steve has a blog about it, and one is self-learning observing the ones that do what you want to do. That's why some are called "masters" or "maestros", they are the ones that guide the others... others copy them and the "maestros" don't hate it... they're very happy with that... their "alter egos" are like more power to their message... more like the world they would like to see.

Who's learning from Steve to make blogs? You can raise the hand.

[Calculusaurus]

I'd title this article "Preventing Jealousy" instead of "Overcoming Jealously."

When I'm in a healthy state of mind, I try to really internalize a rational perspective, so that when the next storm of jealously/depression/whatever hits, I have that rational perspective sufficiently rooted in my subconscious to greatly lighten the load of the negative emotion.

Jealousy is just really hard to control when it has taken over your mind. You sort of have to bite your lip and wait for the storm to pass.

[Ree]

Love fits in there somewhere. If I love myself, then I also love my fellow humans, as we are all part of one consciousness, and therefore when good things happen to others, good things happen to me as well. I join their happiness and celebration, because I love.

If I hate myself, by extension I hate others, and when good things happen to others, I am jealous.

[ericwordelman]

'Tis a beautiful dream.

[Paul C]

Thank you for the reminder- I am the Dreamer, it's such an expansive and freeing perspective to live by.

[Xander756]

A lot of the articles I have read express to me an idea that I have never thought of before. I never thought of myself as the jealous type as in I haven't really thought to myself "dammit I wish I had that or why does he get that but I don't" but I have been soured by others achievement at times and I never knew why.

[Algernon]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I’m not prone to jealousy, so I can’t explain from personal experience how to overcome it. Nevertheless, due to the demand for such an article, I’ll risk sharing my thoughts on it anyway.

Thank you for taking the risk!

The following quote from an interview I once read seems relevant:

What is great content? In my opinion the best content you can create is the deepest truth you find within yourself.

What do I mean by that? Most people write about what they’re certain of. You’re certain about your knowledge. You’re fairly certain about your opinions too. But when you write about these things, you aren’t sharing a deep enough truth, so it isn’t going to resonate with people except in a superficial way. You’re simply creating disposable content, competing with a zillion other sites doing the same.

On the other hand, if you explore your uncertainty, you’ll be going much deeper. What are you unsure of, fearful of, or resistant to? What ideas bother you, but you can’t figure out why? What is your heart telling you that your mind can’t yet accept? These are the key topics to explore in your writing. When you dig deep within yourself, find new insights at the edge of your uncertainty, and share them, your writing will really resonate with people. And that will generate all the traffic you could ever want.

Most of your posts from August 13th on have been of a higher caliber than even the great content we're used to getting from you. There seems to be something at play beyond the content itself. A different energy, for lack of a better word.

Have you been doing anything new (meditation, visualization, I-M, etc.) that you care to share?

[Michael Chui]

A piece of constructive criticism:

Wouldn’t it be more fun to have a dream that you’re running around in the X-Men world, surrounded by characters that exceed your abilities vs. being surrounded by incompetent characters who are less skillful than you?

This illustration completely broke down your argument, though I understood why you made it.

In fantasies, and I emphasize they are fantasies, personal superiority IS more fun. That's the entire point. I get the sense that you have an entirely different reaction to fiction than most people.

People who believe in abundance will have fantasies of abundance; people who believe in scarcity will have fantasies of scarcity. The paragraph from which I quoted is simply counterproductive to your argument: you'd only understand if you're already a person who believes in abundance.

Other than that, nice post. I don't agree about the superior quality of the post, but I liked.

[munish]

Originally Posted by Algernon

Most of your posts from August 13th on have been of a higher caliber than even the great content we're used to getting from you. There seems to be something at play beyond the content itself. A different energy, for lack of a better word.

Have you been doing anything new (meditation, visualization, I-M, etc.) that you care to share?

He is at his best.

[youcould2]

I'm a regular RSS Feed reader of Steve's blogs, but this latest one on jealousy has me confused. I also haven't been hanging out here in the forum (haven't had the time) but I need to make a comment about the jealousy post.

What Steve has described as jealousy is what I have always thought was envy. Neither of these are positive emotions, but I've always had them as separate emotions in my mind, emotions that arise as the result of two different sets of circumstances.

I've always thought of jealousy as an emotion that occurs when someone one is close to -- a lover -- a spouse -- a friend -- appears to be seeking attention from someone other than yourself. In the case of a lover, for example, your lover may begin to flirt with someone else -- or may be wanting to spend more time with that "other" person than with you. Therefore, the fear of losing your close relationship with someone manifests as the emotion of jealousy. You become suspicious -- you suspect that your partner may become unfaithful to you.

I will agree that both envy and jealousy are closely related. They both are the result of feelings of lack -- poor self-esteem, etc.

Does anyone else feel that they are different emotions that can manifest for different reasons?

Shanti,

Ron Rink

[AmyM]

Ron,

I completely agree with you. I thought the same thing when I read this - he's referring to envy here, not jealousy. They've always seemed separate (although closely related) concepts to me as well.

From dictionary.com:

Envy and jealousy are very close in meaning. Envy denotes a longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another: to feel envy when a friend inherits a fortune. Jealousy, on the other hand, denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one more rightfully deserves: to feel jealousy when a coworker receives a promotion. Jealousy also refers to anguish caused by fear of unfaithfulness.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Algernon

Most of your posts from August 13th on have been of a higher caliber than even the great content we're used to getting from you. There seems to be something at play beyond the content itself. A different energy, for lack of a better word.

Have you been doing anything new (meditation, visualization, I-M, etc.) that you care to share?

I did experience a shift a few weeks ago. It's hard to put into words, but it was like I reached a different level of surrender. I decided to set aside my long list of articles to write, and I tuned in and tried to write more from my heart instead of being so stuck in my head. By putting the list aside, I freed myself from the concerns of the past and future and became more centered in the present. Instead of focusing on what I should write to help others, I put my attention on writing what I perceive as truth. This makes me feel less attached to how an article will be received. I've also been succeeding at getting out of the way more, letting the ideas flow through me with less mental effort.

I'd have to say this was mostly a consequence of a deeper realization I had. Many wise people have said there is no doer in reality and that action can really be effortless. I think I finally "got it." I've been getting a lot more done by holding the perspective that I'm not the one doing any of it.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am so glad you put your list aside. These recent articles have spoken to me in such a way that even many of your greatest past articles have not. Thanks for what you do!

[mjukr]

Originally Posted by Inca

But how do I now deal with those who are unethical, immoral, and in generaly do "bad" stuff?

By yourself being ethical, moral, and in general do "good" stuff.

All kidding aside, you can't change what other people do. You can only change yourself for the better and hope your positive "vibrations" (or whatever you want to call it) spread.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Good post, Steve. You either meet or exceed my expectations every time you write, at least in the last two or three weeks. Stay in the present. It is the only place where we truly have power.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Good post, Steve. In the last three weeks or so, your posts really marked what I had been experiencing, so that is a good thing from my perspective. I had come to the (almost) same realizations about reality and how to deal with feelings of jealousy, complaining, etc. You bet me to the punch in writing them, but it was really the SELF that did it so I do not feel like you beat me, but you expressed what my consciousness was feeling. Great, great post.

[RecoveringDoormat]

Hi Steve,

I just happened upon your blog and found your thoughts on jealousy very interesting, especially from someone who hasn't been a jealous person. I used to be and am blessed to have evolved to the other side. I've always found that jealousy seems to coincide with how much self-esteem a person has. When I hated myself, I was jealous of many people. Now that I love who I am, I'm happy for other people's joys and successes.

Many blessings for sharing,
Daylle Deanna Schwartz
http://www.lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat.com/

[SweetMelissa]

Thank you so much for that! I've always felt the same way.. if one person does well, we are all better for it. I've never been a jealous person but I know those who are and the root of it is definitely scarcity and ego.

[DeathStorm]

This is a very interesting topic, and I agree with most of what Steve says in his blog post.

I would like to ask a further question, which is related and might also be as important:
How do you deal with people who seem to be jealous of you?

In my personal experience, I try to be friendly with them and put them in the same mindset that Steve mentioned (so that they get inspired by us).
When I'm in a group, I actually give them more attention because they might become my "followers" (if they are jealous, they probably have my same interests, so...).

But sometimes it isn't easy to help them. Sometimes - I notice - they even behave opportunistically when I help them. I can't do anything about it.
And sometimes they even get jealous or angry about my attempt to help them out.

What do you do with people who seem to get too jealous of you?

[helga]

Originally Posted by DeathStorm

I would like to ask a further question, which is related and might also be as important:
How do you deal with people who seem to be jealous of you?

I second that question. Next blog post?? Growing up I found school easy and would get high marks without difficulty. I have memories of my friends saying "I hate you." I suspect I haven't completely overcome that yet.

How do you deal with people who seem to be jealous of you?

[Akashic_Librarian]

Ignore them. They won't listen to you, they won't accept you. So ignore them. Or ignore the jealous aspect.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by helga

I second that question. Next blog post?? Growing up I found school easy and would get high marks without difficulty. I have memories of my friends saying "I hate you." I suspect I haven't completely overcome that yet.

How do you deal with people who seem to be jealous of you?

Well, what you need to do is change their mindset. Which isn't easy. So, unless you're prepared to try, I'd agree with Akashic Librarian.

[DeathStorm]

Akashic Librarian, that sounds a bit pessimistic to me...

I have a spontaneous concern for every person, even those who hate me for whatever reason.

When I ask "how to deal with them?" I'm not asking much out of fear of accrueing enemies, but rather for their own personal development and, consequently,... for the greater good of humanity ^_^

[frankderived]

I must thanks my teacher: Steve pavlina for making me the greatest man of all time.Of course, me and him and you are only one. Who are those lost with jealousy did not exist but rather were a mirror for my expansion. Which indeed is the expansion of all of us. Thanks