Hurting from the unenlightened ;)

[mtrimpe]

I'm in a bit of a strange situation. A while ago I really pushed myself to use all of things I've learned from the thousands of self-help books I've read and that period has changed my life forever. Through a very intense process it has reversed my polarity from an unconscious darkworker to a practicing lightworker.

In the peak of that experience I was close to enlightenment, feeling it just a few steps ahead of me for several months. In retrospect I was at the consciousness level of Joy, but lacked Reason though, so I relapsed after three months in a spectacular spiritual crash.

It's now a year later and I've recovered from the crash and feel that I am almost ready to conquer Reason and leap into Joy again.

There is just one recurring problem that I have, and that seems to be that I have developed a very low tolerance for unenlightened behaviour. Every time I experience a lack of enlightenment I not only feel the hurt inflicted in me but also the hurt that causes the other person to be the way they are and it is very tough to deal with.

The main problem for me seems to be in my relationships, because I now find it very difficult to engage in friendships with 'less-enlightened' people because it 1) feels almost masochistic when I do so, choosing to take abuse and forgive, much like Nicole Kidman in Dogville and 2) I seem to always be close to a 'suffering overload'.

I also know that I am perfectly capable of approaching these friendships in a paternal, caring way, which would leave me free from hurt because I do my best to help them, but if I do that I feel like I am without peers, like I'm bound to forever be the superior-one.

Basically, I can't figure out if this is because:
1. I need to develop some skill further, such as unconditional love,
2. I am clinging to past friends who I've moved beyond,
3. I am clinging to an unhealthy desire to be 'the helping one' or
4. I want to take too much responsibility, i.e. as much as I can handle without completely crashing.

What do you think?

[ethereal]

Been thinking a lot about this, as well. I seem to have an unhealthy addiction to "helping" people , and more and more I realize that perhaps the best help I can give, is just to love them as they are, and let them be. That in itself probably has more healing power in the spiritual dimension than anything I can do physically. I think the key is to remove all personal will from the matter, and just be a channel for God's Love Whether physical help manifests through you or not is irrelevant at that point.

As for being hurt, I think that's just the way it is with an open heart Don't let yourself be abused, but also look for why it still bothers you -- perhaps there's still more stuff to let go, i.e. assuming that bad behavior is "wrong". I recently realized that there is actually so much crap to release -- not just the emotional reactions, but all concepts and thoughts of the person or "who" he or she is, and look at everything in a completely uncontaminated way, to the point of seeing only your Self, your Awareness expressing itself as all these different kinds of forms.

As for 1-4, I don't have enough experience to answer. How I would handle it, is to ask myself whether this is really for the other person's highest good and whether this is the best use of my time and energy to help our One Self. Check your own capabilities, the efficacy of the relationship, and your friend's receptivity. I suspect it'll depend on the circumstances, and perhaps it's wise to just listen to your intuition and forget all this thinking about it

[mtrimpe]

I think your statement about removing the personal will really applies to me. If I removed my will I know I would simply cry, express my sadness and move on. When I look inside I see a lot of sadness for knowing that I am not truly meant to help these friends I have grown so fond of.

Perhaps it is the sadness of realizing that you can't free these people from their pain that hurts so much and perhaps it is the desire to completely free these particular people from their pain that is my unhealthy attachment.

[The David]

If you have the gift of empathy (it runs in my family) and you find yourself in an intimate but dysfunctional relationship, get out. I can't emphasize it enough. You will do nothing to help them because you will channel their dysfunction directly. Leave them to someone who can be rational. They need an objective counselor, not someone to share the misery.

[Maguru]

This is such a painful aspect of 'growth'. I fully understand the connection to others suffering. It nearly finished me. I had to take the fall and realize that the only way I can help others is to heal my own pain. End my own suffering.

We cannot say "do what I say, not what I do." We have to practise what we preach.

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

I think your statement about removing the personal will really applies to me. If I removed my will I know I would simply cry, express my sadness and move on. When I look inside I see a lot of sadness for knowing that I am not truly meant to help these friends I have grown so fond of.

Perhaps it is the sadness of realizing that you can't free these people from their pain that hurts so much and perhaps it is the desire to completely free these particular people from their pain that is my unhealthy attachment.

[mtrimpe]

Originally Posted by The David

If you have the gift of empathy (it runs in my family) and you find yourself in an intimate but dysfunctional relationship, get out. I can't emphasize it enough. You will do nothing to help them because you will channel their dysfunction directly. Leave them to someone who can be rational. They need an objective counselor, not someone to share the misery.

That really describes my situation precisely. I am alone now for a week and I have noticed that I've grown to channel his dysfunctions with uncanny accuracy. In my heart I know that he needs to be with someone who can be tough enough with him to call him on his errors.

Funnyly enough his main dysfunction is blaming, the combination of being unable to take criticism to heart while being very critical of others, which results in him 'getting stuck'. I realize now that that is quite similar to the problem I was referring to in my original post.

I'll need some time to build up the courage to do what I need to do, but it's wonderful to hear this advice, as it brings to the surface things I should never have forgotten. And David, thanks for calling empathy a gift, I was thinking of it more as a curse at the moment.

[mtrimpe]

I just had a bit of a revelation!

For some reason I felt Magura's post just didn't apply to me, because at some level I knew that I didn't need to end my suffering. I know I can choose to forget about the suffering of my partner and my friends, walk out the door and be happy for the rest of my life. My only suffering is a bit of lingering carnal desire.

All this time though, I have been looking for the source of this suffering within myself, while the truth is that it is no longer my suffering that I feel, it is the suffering of others! That's why I could never find the source, because I was looking in the wrong place. The pain I thought I was causing is not my pain, it's their pain.

So it was a lack of understanding, I needed to realize that this pain I feel is simply a hint that the people I'm around are suffering and in what way they are suffering ...

[Maguru]

Although the suffering you were suffering was from others suffering, it was still your suffering. The result is the same. You end your own suffering. Well done.
However, I don't think we just forget others pain but put ourselves first in realizing it is no use two of us suffering needlessly. We all have to bear our own pain. There is no escape in the end.

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

I just had a bit of a revelation!

For some reason I felt Magura's post just didn't apply to me, because at some level I knew that I didn't need to end my suffering. I know I can choose to forget about the suffering of my partner and my friends, walk out the door and be happy for the rest of my life. My only suffering is a bit of lingering carnal desire.

All this time though, I have been looking for the source of this suffering within myself, while the truth is that it is no longer my suffering that I feel, it is the suffering of others! That's why I could never find the source, because I was looking in the wrong place. The pain I thought I was causing is not my pain, it's their pain.

So it was a lack of understanding, I needed to realize that this pain I feel is simply a hint that the people I'm around are suffering and in what way they are suffering ...

[mtrimpe]

Hey Magura, I get your point. There is a real difference between the pain coming from yourself and others though and it's about understanding.

When you have suffered in your own pain for years and clear your slate it is important to realize that from that point on you are no longer clearing your own pain, but the pain of others. You shouldn't mistake these pains as 'your own'.

When viewing all the pains I feel now as the suffering of my partner, everything suddenly makes sense. The need, the pain, the anger, the frustration, the mistrust, they all explain exactly how my partner is suffering.

And yes you still need to stop suffering, but only because the world needs to stop suffering.

[Maguru]

I've been trying to end my suffering for several years and nearly gave in so many times. I kept on and I ain't giving up now. I'm just listening to "Silverchairs' "Straightline." Inspiring. Let's go. The world does need us.

Originally Posted by mtrimpe

Hey Magura, I get your point. There is a real difference between the pain coming from yourself and others though and it's about understanding.

When you have suffered in your own pain for years and clear your slate it is important to realize that from that point on you are no longer clearing your own pain, but the pain of others. You shouldn't mistake these pains as 'your own'.

When viewing all the pains I feel now as the suffering of my partner, everything suddenly makes sense. The need, the pain, the anger, the frustration, the mistrust, they all explain exactly how my partner is suffering.

And yes you still need to stop suffering, but only because the world needs to stop suffering.

[Max452]

Originally Posted by ethereal

just to love them as they are, and let them be.

This was perfect.

Remove your judgement and expection from the situation.

Accept that everyone travels a different path with highs and lows in different places.

Acceptance of all is the key to inner peace.

WIth Acceptance there is no resistance, without resistance there is no expectation, for without expection there is no loss.

In the end, all are destined to find their enlightenment, whether it be in this life time or the next, there is no need to hurry.