Suicide

[Terumoto]

Originally Posted by m18pak

First off, let me thank you all.

You have all been great.

However, I think I need to clarify my dilemma further, as while the advice I received was well-intended, it was also very much irrelevant to my situation; however, that was my fault - I didn't explain it well enough.

Firstly, I am not a typically depressed, stuck-in-misery, woe-is-me, I-just-want-to-die, crying-for-no-reason, helplessly pathetic, miserable, lethargic lump, hiding from the light of day underneath my blanket.

I am not really depressed in the way you guys are thinking of. I am not a normal person, and as such my situation is different.

I am not asking for help on dealing with my depression. I am asking for help on dealing with my shame.

The depression that occurs sometimes is but a symptom, a mere inconvenience compared to the real problem.

I am not worried about feeling miserable and alone. I really don't care. Jagged shards of melancholy have sliced my heart through and through. I ain't worried about that.

So without further ado, I shall present my case for your analysis.

I am intelligent, and this has been my saving grace. So far.

You see, while I am stuck in shame, the Context in my head is very much not that of a ashamed, suicidal person. I have read so many books telling of so many different paradigms, and you could say that I've extracted the distilled essence of all the wisdom I found in them straight into my head, via jacking in, if you will.

I mean, I have read just about all the articles on this website. I have read literally hundreds of books on this. All in the past year. I mean, I would not be surprised if I had a bigger database of factual knowledge on self-improvement in my head than Steve himself. Or the others I have encountered through the internet like Steve. I KNOW logically all I need to know. I have control of my thoughts. The problem is that there is a huge gulf between what I know in my head and what I feel in my body.

When I feel sad, I can control it and get rid of it very quickly. It's no more than an annoyance. I have mastered my mind, and as such, my emotions.

I have not, however, managed to go up a level of consciousness.

You know how little kids are scared of the bogeyman? Well, no matter how muh you explain to them that there is nothing there, they will still be sacred. They feel it. I am the same way. I am like an adult scare of the bogeyman. I KNOW there's nothing there. I can control my fear by making use of the sophisticated thought-processes I've devised to counter the raw emotional energy, but that's all I can do. Control it. I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to advance up a level.

In case you don't know, beliefs are basically energised thoughts. When you think a thought and attach an emotion to the thought, then you create a belief. And because it has become a belief, then it will elicit said emotion or feeling in the future. This is why simply using logic to contradict a belief generally does not work, as you must also remove the underlying emotional energy of the belief. Without doing so, the energy of the belief will be nearly impossible to overcome with cold rational argument. This is my problem. My underlying emotional state is shame. I feel it constantly. You can call it my level of consciousness or whatever, but its what I feel.

I am fine for most of the time. But when the seething pressure erupts through, I literally want to cover my face and scream at the top of my lungs. I want to rip out my eyes or smash my head into a bloody pulp against the wall. Something. Anything. Anything to make it go away. At such times words literally burst out of my mouth. It's almost like OCD. At those moments in time, the energy overwhelms me.

I have tried using emotion manipulation tools before (EFT, NLP, Doyletics, Sedona, BBSF etc...) on individual beliefs? Maybe I should try it on my overall state? But I don't know how I would go about that...

So basically, I need to know how to go up a level of consciousness. I don't need to feel better about myself: my problem is not as simplistic as that. I am already up and running. My CPU is working fine. Only the integrity of my circuits have been compromised.

I have gone up the levels before. Arriving at Fear was a particularly overwhelming experience for me. One moment I was heavily depressed. The next it was like an explosion had occured inside my head and I had been turned inside out and then put back together again. (Incidentally, it was a book that triggered such a dramatic shift)

The highest I ever went was Courage. It was so beautiful. It lasted only for a minute. But its memory stayed with me, like a dream of satin sheets and silky caresses and half-remembered passions, and upon awakening the scents, the feelings, and the sensations seems to linger for just a moment longer, teasingly, hanging phantom-like in the air, and you wish your dream had never ended.

But then, something happened, and I fell again. So close to the sun of my arrogance, my wings caught fire and were as ash, and so I fell. So I was punished for my hubris.

But anyway, what do I do? How do I consciously climb up the levels of consciousness? Is there a way?

I am really sorry, but I think my reply is going to come across as blunt. I apologize in advance. I trust your personality, and I think you are stable enough to handle blunt words from some fool without killing yourself. Consider what I say, but don't consider it the absolute truth.

First of all, you can't "extract the essence of wisdom" from books. You can read the words of somebody who had wisdom, but words are terrible. It is impossible to convey even the simplest things accurately with words, let alone insights about the self and the universe. I think one of your major problems may just be that you think you know a lot. It's limiting. Yeah, maybe you know a lot, maybe you are a great writer, but there is an infinite amount of knowledge out there that you don't know or even know of.

You can read hundreds of books, you can know a lot of things, but it won't help you. You need to see. You need to have clear vision. I am no expert, and I don't know you, but from what I've read it seems like you are utterly blind. Completely in the dark. What are you doing? You're hypocritical. You have complete control over your emotions? Is that right? You've mastered your mind? You are lost because you honestly believe things like that to be true. You haven't mastered anything, and you need to realize that. A master of mind doesn't wrestle with bouts of depression, or need to search for the next level of consciousness, and he certainly doesn't need to post on forums asking for advice about controlling his mind.

You said your underlying mental state is shame. Well, I would be very interested to know, why do you make your mental state a state of shame? It seems to upset you, it baffles me as to why you would think that way. Your self isn't separate from your brain or mind. Who exactly is running the show in your mind? Seriously, take a look around in there. Kind of empty... There's only you. Whether you see it or not, you are the only one that can create shame in yourself. Asking us to get rid of your shame won't work. Reading books won't work. Searching for a higher state of consciousness won't work.

What you are doing is running away. You are smart, though. You have cleverly disguised your avoidance of the problem to look like an attempt to tackle the problem. You're so smart, you managed to trick yourself! Well, stop running. You are not a shameful person, shame is not innate in you. You are a person clinging to shame and all you have to do is let go. Which, unfortunately, is harder than it sounds. It is hard, but simple: See the truth and your suffering will disappear.

Remember when I said you were lost? Lost in the dark? You can't see the universe around you, so reading books won't help; you won't even see what the author is talking about. That's why nothing has been working for you. Use courage, create it and shed light on yourself. Penetrate into the depths of your own mind, and see the truth about your feelings. It's hard... It's devastating. It's also beautiful and invigorating, to be free from the shackles of your old self.

How do you consciously climb up the levels of consciousness? You talk about it as if it's a game. You're egotistical and you want to be better than everyone else (It's OK, I am like that too, don't take it personally). Games are awesome, they're very fun, but taking them too seriously spoils the idea of a game. How to go up a level? I don't think that's what you really want to know. Going up a level will do nothing for you. You don't realize it, but you are on a very high level. You are far more intelligent and developed than a lot of people.

So let me ask you, what is a person like you doing playing silly games? Get rid of your notion of being on a higher level of consciousness. Give up on it, and you'll be free from a game that causes nothing but suffering. Is there any higher level than that?

[m18pak]

When you say that I am running away, are you referring to the fact that I have compartmentalized myself?

Do you mean that my mind, emotions, and consciousness are one?

[m18pak]

I think that, at the heart of it, the shame exists because I have an idea of what I want to be, an imagined ideal, and it is the only thing that sustains me.

I can't face harsh reality without it. I can't live without it. If I didn't have it, I wouldn't want to go on living.

But it also makes me want to die, because then I can't live with myself as I am.

Hope is the quintessential human delusion, I guess.

[Terumoto]

Hey, I received your pm. I started typing in here first, so I'll reply to your pm in here as well.

What I mean when I say you are running away and deluding yourself is that you are not focusing on the root of the problem. You are attempting to solve an internal mental problem by looking outside of your mind. In some cases, that might work, but most of the time all it does is serve as a distraction from the truth.

It's not so much a matter of you projecting your shame outwards... Whether you feel it inwardly or express it is not the issue. The issue is that you feel shame, for some reason. People will tell you to focus on the positives, think about why you shouldn't be shameful, but all that does is distract you from the underlying shame. You can get rid of it for a while using various methods, but like a weed it will continue to grow back unless you pull it out by the root. Also, reading books and learning about all the methods of getting rid of weeds is no substitute for going outside and actually pulling it out.

The shame is most likely not even the cause of your shame, it is only a leaf on the weed. My guess would be that your feeling of shame grows from some aspect of your "self." This is something that you need to pinpoint, and something that not a lot of people really do in their lifetimes. It is the turning point in your existence, when you see through the person that you think you are (or thought you were). From there, you have your bearings and can see exactly what needs to be done.

I'd like to help you, but I can't just tell you what to do. I'll talk about it with you all you want, though, and I can try point you in the right direction (hopefully). Don't fall into the trap of just absorbing what I say and adding it to your vast database of knowledge without putting it to use. This is it. If you are going to do something, you have to do it.

By the way, I just noticed your latest reply. I have to go for a while, but I'll be back shortly. We can talk more then.

[m18pak]

Basically, I have felt petty and pathetic my entire life. It has always been this way.

I...I have never been allowed to make my own mistakes.

I have always felt weak and powerless.

I used to be incredibly bitter towards and resentful of everyone, because they made me so miserable, or so I thought.

Now I am trying to practice forgiveness.

So which of these things do you think it is?

My self? I don't know. I don't know myself. I never have. I don't know anyone else either.

I don't know what it is to be human, I guess. Or maybe I did but it was so painful that I couldn't bear it. Maybe it gave me only tears, and so I buried that part of me under the twin mountains of resignation and indifference.

I do know that I have never cared for anyone. Not my family, no my so-called friends, nobody. I would not shed a single tear if all the people I have shared this sordid existence of mine with died tomorrow. I would not mourn, for in truth they are already dead to me and I to them.

I am empathetic, but the pain I feel around those in grief is the pain of the abstract. I hurt from the sorrow itself. Not the sorrow of the person. I don't know people. I don't know how to treat people.

I guess that's because nobody has ever treated me like a person, like I was like them. From the very beginning, I was "different".

I have never related to anyone.

As I see it, or rather, as I feel it, you are right. I am blind.

I can't help it. I can't bear to look at the truth. I cannot see into the reflecting pool of my inner self.

I can't, because I am afraid.

The glow of vanity has been my only defense, and I am afraid to have even that stripped away from me.

In lieu of self-acceptance, I granted myself arrogance.

If I lose that, then I will have nothing.

But in reality, I really do have nothing, right? I do have nothing. Nothing about hollow dreams and fantasies, all as real and solid as the pitiful achievements of my miserable life, that I am oh so proud of.

I guess I can't let go. Life has been too cruel a mistress to me, teaching me with the lash and rod, and I escaped from it the only way I could, through my imagination.

I have a dream. It is all I have. And through the dream I may escape for a while.

I do hope to make the dream true.

But while the dream lives, I cannot; for I cannot face reality with it. I cannot take smoke in my hands and give it form. The image is so golden that I feel ashamed to be as I am, and because I feel ashamed as I am, I must cling to the image.

Long and heavy are my chains, for I have crafted each link with all my heart and soul, hammering them in with the utmost of care.

I mean, I find it interesting that some people on here have called me a good writer, because I have always found my writing to be contrived and hollow, Just like me, I guess. Nothing but florid rhetoric. Meaningless sounds of the tongue.

But anyway, what should I do? Do I just give up? Relinquish my ideals? Be happy in my absolute and complete wretchedness?

What?

[Terumoto]

Your ideal was wrong in the first place, that's why you felt petty and pathetic. The way society raises children in this day and age is by telling them that they are not right. Telling them that they aren't human yet, they have too much to learn, and maybe after they are educated and grown up with a nice place in the world they'll be people. The result is a crazy ideal we work towards... Many of us spend our entire lives never escaping from the thought that we aren't yet human. We aren't yet "normal" people. Well nobody is a normal person. Everybody is odd. Even the people that seem to be even. People don't realize because, as you know, it's impossible to know somebody. All we know is what we see of people. I bet you have never felt in your entire life that somebody knew you. I feel the same way.

You are tricking yourself. You have an image of what you think "being human" is in your mind. Cast off that image and look at the present moment. You are a conscious human right now, you always have been. Behaving in a different way will never make you any more or any less human. Being human is the easiest thing in the world for us to do. Please, let me know if you ever find a way not to be human, I'd like to try it out and see what it's like.

Hating everyone only fills your mind with hate. It causes suffering... Not only in other people, but mainly in you. Your life is completely dependent on the way you view the world. It is useless, you are wasting your time hating everybody. You have the gift of empathy. You can use your mind to cultivate compassion. The best thing for you to do is learn to have infinite love for everything and everyone. I don't mean forcing yourself to do it, I mean feeling it honestly.

It's good that you don't know who you are. If you thought you did, I would have to ask you a lot of questions and prove to you that you actually don't have a clue. The sense of self is an illusion, and I think you can see that. It is not solid, it has no outline, it is just something created by the mind. The root of your shame is without a doubt your self. You need to let go of it, all of it, especially the fabricated ideal self that you created. It is impossible to attain.

Practicing forgiveness is important. This can either be a repetitive act, or a one off thing. You need to forgive people who do you wrong, right? That's easy enough, all it takes is compassion and understanding. Understand that their personality was built by the world around them, understand that they are just another person like you working towards an ideal. Selfish, pitiful, deserving of love just as you are deserving of love. You can do that over and over again, or you can pull the weed out from the root. Get rid of your ego, let go of your false notion of self. Who is there to be offended? How can something that doesn't exist be wronged? You no longer need to do anything, for there are no transgressions left to forgive.

It also helps to realize the illusory nature of the selves of everyone else. Shatter your expectations, destroy your judgment of others. This is the source of the compassion that you need to lift your consciousness. You don't need to love anybody, you need to love and accept their nature. Love their true reality, their existence, rather than loving an illusion. This also saves you from suffering. We are hurt when people treat us badly because we are shallow and only love their false self, a self that we don't even know and that doesn't exist. Then when they act out of line with this image we have in our head, we get upset. Have compassion for their nature, and your love won't falter.

Of course you are afraid. You are on the brink of death. This is it, you are now in Hell. I've been there. I go there occasionally, although I try to stay away during the warm seasons. It's really no big deal. With death comes freedom. Kill yourself right now and I guarantee you won't regret it. It's hard, though; it's scary. To realize the true nature of yourself, and effectively die... You have lived with your personality for your whole life. Most people have a really hard time with this, but I think it might be easier for you. You seem like you don't really value yourself, you are just clinging to hollow arrogance. Cut your ties with your sense of self.

After the death of your illusion, things are just as they are. There's nothing to worry about anymore. It's a relief. You can finally relax, you have escaped from the game. From outside, it's so easy to see that it's all just a game. People get caught up in it and stuck, just like you have been. After you get out, you can play for fun. There will always be an underlying sense of security, of freedom, of contentment and relaxation. It's wonderful. Don't be afraid to lose everything, because this is the virtue of having nothing. Have nothing, not even the desire to want something. Wanting happiness implies that you lack it. Searching for higher consciousness implies that you need it. Just throw it all away, indulge in "nothing," and there it is... You have everything. People create problems and spend their lives trying to solve them. It's pointless, move away from your habit of doing that.

There is no reality for you to face. It's the game, just what somebody else told you was reality. You are you, you make your own reality. Live in your imagination, bring it to the forefront of your existence. You don't have to believe me, but I know it's possible. It's true freedom. I am not someone that's happy and loving all the time. I'm free to feel sad when I want to. When my girlfriend of four years cheated on me, I indulged in suffering, I visited hell for a while. It was what I felt like doing. I was simply exercising my freedom. When I was sick of it, I forgave her and moved on. Instead of me being forced to feel terrible, I was allowing it, and underlying my suffering was security and compassion. I call it freedom rather than control, because there is really nothing to control.

I think you are almost there. You are in the middle of the great doubt. You need to end it, but there is absolutely nothing you can do.

Don't be a fool. Don't start the cycle again. I know you might be tempted to take what I've said and turn it into another ideal "self" to try and become. Doing that would make your failure certain. Please don't create another illusion in your head to work towards. Everything I have told you cannot be attained. There is nothing you can do to end your suffering. People often forget that, and go off on another wild goose chase.

The cure to your ailment lies in getting rid of the self, not adding more to the list of things you want your self to be. Just let go, give up and the rest will come. It has to be a true surrender, giving up just for the sake of attainment of ideals won't work. You are already where you need to be. There is nothing more to gain. Just die, so you can be reborn and build your own reality.

[m18pak]

The best books are those that tell us what we already know...

Huh.

I hear you. Your thoughts mirror my own. In fact, this was the conclusion that I reached myself just a few days ago when I posted a reply to this thread saying that I knew "what I needed to do".

Don't be a fool. Don't start the cycle again. I know you might be tempted to take what I've said and turn it into another ideal "self" to try and become. Doing that would make your failure certain. Please don't create another illusion in your head to work towards. Everything I have told you cannot be attained. There is nothing you can do to end your suffering. People often forget that, and go off on another wild goose chase.

This is where you got me. And you're right. I did turn my surrender into another battle. Peace from fighting into an ideal to struggle for.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

By the way, may I ask how old you are? It's just that...you seem familiar somehow, as though we've met through the internet before.

[Sifox]

Originally Posted by m18pak

Than you all for your replies.

You have helped.

I think I know what I need to do now.

PS. Budhabee, yes, I plan on being a writer when I grow up.

Sounds very appropriate

[The Cloud]

Perhaps this was mentioned earlier (I admit that I didn't read every reply), but I believe that the ultimate cause of depression is a feeling of lack of control. Find out what you feel is controlling you against your wishes, and then you can work to let it go.

That being said, you seem to have the same problem I have, to a more extreme extent. You know that there is a you that is perfect, but the you that is isn't the perfect one. It feels as if you are just a reflection, reflecting what everybody believes and wants and needs, including the real you. So you're a conflicted mess because the real you wants one thing, but your boss wants you to want something else, and your friends something else, and society something totally different. The trick I found to keep from totally destroying myself trying to find the real me was to realize that the real me can't be forced. You don't control him. It's easier to think of him as a separate entity, a god if you will. A whole other being. And he tells you what to do, but you're too conflicted with what everybody else tells you to do to listen. You doubt him. What I believe you must do is to not doubt when you know that he is telling you something. Don't ask why, don't fight it, don't look at what he tells you as something to just fit into your life. He is your god, and you should listen to him as such. He won't speak all the time, because he knows that you won't listen all the time. Start listening, and maybe he'll start speaking more. And when you can't hear him, be satisfied with doing what you would normally do (other than suicide, that is definitely not going to get you what you want).

Take this all with a grain of salt, because I am still inexperienced with listening to my self when he speaks, and even more inexperienced in doing what he says without question, but I believe this is at least a step in the right direction to truly becoming the perfect being you are.

[Maguru]

Hmm....I'm surprised at how you see your situation here. As an observer I see it differently. I see courage, fear and shame all as parts of the human experience. You described how beautifully you embraced the good feeling of courage but with the bad feeling of shame you did the opposite. You fought it. It is like having double standards for your own emotions. Loving some and denying others. They are all you.
Maybe your shame has brought you the courage you would not have had otherwise? Maybe your shame has given you integrity that you would not otherwise have? Maybe your shame is the most loveable of all? Just some thoughts for you to ponder on from a different perspective. I wish you well.

Originally Posted by m18pak

First off, let me thank you all.

You have all been great.

However, I think I need to clarify my dilemma further, as while the advice I received was well-intended, it was also very much irrelevant to my situation; however, that was my fault - I didn't explain it well enough.

Firstly, I am not a typically depressed, stuck-in-misery, woe-is-me, I-just-want-to-die, crying-for-no-reason, helplessly pathetic, miserable, lethargic lump, hiding from the light of day underneath my blanket.

I am not really depressed in the way you guys are thinking of. I am not a normal person, and as such my situation is different.

I am not asking for help on dealing with my depression. I am asking for help on dealing with my shame.

The depression that occurs sometimes is but a symptom, a mere inconvenience compared to the real problem.

I am not worried about feeling miserable and alone. I really don't care. Jagged shards of melancholy have sliced my heart through and through. I ain't worried about that.

So without further ado, I shall present my case for your analysis.

I am intelligent, and this has been my saving grace. So far.

You see, while I am stuck in shame, the Context in my head is very much not that of a ashamed, suicidal person. I have read so many books telling of so many different paradigms, and you could say that I've extracted the distilled essence of all the wisdom I found in them straight into my head, via jacking in, if you will.

I mean, I have read just about all the articles on this website. I have read literally hundreds of books on this. All in the past year. I mean, I would not be surprised if I had a bigger database of factual knowledge on self-improvement in my head than Steve himself. Or the others I have encountered through the internet like Steve. I KNOW logically all I need to know. I have control of my thoughts. The problem is that there is a huge gulf between what I know in my head and what I feel in my body.

When I feel sad, I can control it and get rid of it very quickly. It's no more than an annoyance. I have mastered my mind, and as such, my emotions.

I have not, however, managed to go up a level of consciousness.

You know how little kids are scared of the bogeyman? Well, no matter how muh you explain to them that there is nothing there, they will still be sacred. They feel it. I am the same way. I am like an adult scare of the bogeyman. I KNOW there's nothing there. I can control my fear by making use of the sophisticated thought-processes I've devised to counter the raw emotional energy, but that's all I can do. Control it. I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to advance up a level.

In case you don't know, beliefs are basically energised thoughts. When you think a thought and attach an emotion to the thought, then you create a belief. And because it has become a belief, then it will elicit said emotion or feeling in the future. This is why simply using logic to contradict a belief generally does not work, as you must also remove the underlying emotional energy of the belief. Without doing so, the energy of the belief will be nearly impossible to overcome with cold rational argument. This is my problem. My underlying emotional state is shame. I feel it constantly. You can call it my level of consciousness or whatever, but its what I feel.

I am fine for most of the time. But when the seething pressure erupts through, I literally want to cover my face and scream at the top of my lungs. I want to rip out my eyes or smash my head into a bloody pulp against the wall. Something. Anything. Anything to make it go away. At such times words literally burst out of my mouth. It's almost like OCD. At those moments in time, the energy overwhelms me.

I have tried using emotion manipulation tools before (EFT, NLP, Doyletics, Sedona, BBSF etc...) on individual beliefs? Maybe I should try it on my overall state? But I don't know how I would go about that...

So basically, I need to know how to go up a level of consciousness. I don't need to feel better about myself: my problem is not as simplistic as that. I am already up and running. My CPU is working fine. Only the integrity of my circuits have been compromised.

I have gone up the levels before. Arriving at Fear was a particularly overwhelming experience for me. One moment I was heavily depressed. The next it was like an explosion had occured inside my head and I had been turned inside out and then put back together again. (Incidentally, it was a book that triggered such a dramatic shift)

The highest I ever went was Courage. It was so beautiful. It lasted only for a minute. But its memory stayed with me, like a dream of satin sheets and silky caresses and half-remembered passions, and upon awakening the scents, the feelings, and the sensations seems to linger for just a moment longer, teasingly, hanging phantom-like in the air, and you wish your dream had never ended.

But then, something happened, and I fell again. So close to the sun of my arrogance, my wings caught fire and were as ash, and so I fell. So I was punished for my hubris.

But anyway, what do I do? How do I consciously climb up the levels of consciousness? Is there a way?

[palimpsest]

For a different approach, there may be something you're getting out of a shame-filled lifestyle that sub-consciously keeps you there: a feeling of safety from jealousy, excuse to not try hard enough to fail or really succeed, or a sense of control because however badly other people might treat you you're still your own worst critic, or throwing a cosmic tantrum hoping things will get better if the universe sees you miserable and not learning anything? Or it could be something in your past that happened, or present feedback that sort of "programs" you to feel shame. Perhaps it's in your nature to be extremely smart and so have a very good memory and high sensitivity-- while those are gifts by themselves, it's very easy for talents like those in combination to find themselves utilized most in wallowing.

Once you find what subconscious advantage that being ashamed gives, you can consciously recognize the "advantage(s)" of constantly being ashamed, as false. Once you find what in your past or present influences the shame-filled behavior, you can choose to let it go or shoot down the influence as it comes. Then you can use your talents properly, to bring joy and success.

At least that's been my experience with it. I hope this helped.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Originally Posted by chris7246

Hi there M18pack,
To some extent I can identify with what you are going through. I am going to write about what I have gone through.

At the age of 6, I was rushed to the hospital where two days later I would under go a brain tumor operation. The operation left me with some loss of sight. In addition to this, I also have seizures. they are under control for the most part.

In school, I was not allowed to participate in gym. The principal or whoever was in charge thought my head might cave in if I was hit by a ball. It was a difficult time for me all through school, but, I graduated from high school with a Regents Diploma. I have never driven a car. I can't. The loss of sight and seizures have seen to it.

Seizures know no boundaries, can discriminate at will, and are not bound by any laws. Once someone sees you have a seizures, that is all that it takes to be alienated you from the them and others. I have no friends, and have never had a girl friend.

I have gone on for many years like this. There isn't very much I can do about it. I just move on and do what I have to do each day. I am not going to loose any sleep over what others think of me or their opinions.

The reason I bring up all of this information is that our lives are what we make of it them. We can live in the past or we can plan our future. Some people are better off than we are and others are less fortunate and are worse off than we are.

I never miss church. God has been at my side all of these years. I work with the poor through our food pantry at my church. You get to see what life is like for those that are less fortunate. It gave me an appreciation what is like to be poor.

I am not a Psychologist, but, what I have gone through thus far it takes most people a life time to experience. Get out and do something. Anything that will take your mind off some of the things that bother you. I hope that this may give you some insight and realize that things aren't alway as bad as they might seem.

Chris

Hey, I am also a brain tumor (cancer) survivor. I had some eye damage as well, but at the age of 21, I got my driver's license. It was not easy and it is still difficult to drive, but I proved I could do it. I finally came to realize that part of me was limiting myself. I thought I would never be able to drive, but you know, it turned out okay. My mind might not work perfect and I may not do everything right the first time, but I am happy. I was out of commission for over a year, unable to do anything except lay there. I had radiation treatments, three major surgeries (one that had 64 stitches in the back of my head). No matter how bad things get, you can always emerge on top in the end. Since then, I've really embraced my spiritual side and learned that in order to deal with things like this, like considering suicide, we need to take on a more spiritual perspective. I have many people to thank for this. Steve Pavlina started me on this track and he is still a big influence. Just allow yourself to be, accept yourself for who you are. If you want to improve, go ahead. If not, you don't have to. Just accept yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Move on from there.

[m18pak]

Originally Posted by Andrew Brunelle

Hey, I am also a brain tumor (cancer) survivor. I had some eye damage as well, but at the age of 21, I got my driver's license. It was not easy and it is still difficult to drive, but I proved I could do it. I finally came to realize that part of me was limiting myself. I thought I would never be able to drive, but you know, it turned out okay. My mind might not work perfect and I may not do everything right the first time, but I am happy. I was out of commission for over a year, unable to do anything except lay there. I had radiation treatments, three major surgeries (one that had 64 stitches in the back of my head). No matter how bad things get, you can always emerge on top in the end. Since then, I've really embraced my spiritual side and learned that in order to deal with things like this, like considering suicide, we need to take on a more spiritual perspective. I have many people to thank for this. Steve Pavlina started me on this track and he is still a big influence. Just allow yourself to be, accept yourself for who you are. If you want to improve, go ahead. If not, you don't have to. Just accept yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Move on from there.

An inspiring story, Andrew. Thank you for sharing that with us.

[m18pak]

Perhaps it's in your nature to be extremely smart and so have a very good memory and high sensitivity-- while those are gifts by themselves, it's very easy for talents like those in combination to find themselves utilized most in wallowing.

Hahaha. I would agree with you on this point, except I'm afraid it would look like I'm bragging.

[Terumoto]

So, m18pak, how has existence been treating you lately?

[m18pak]

Terumoto, it's been treating me okay, I guess.

I don't know, man. I really don't know. I think I'll be okay in the end.

I have, for the most part, reliquished my old ideals. It has been...stultifying, I would say. Without the force of passionate shame driving me on, I now feel as though I'm drifting in limbo. Not doing anything.

Why? Do you have some more advice to give me?

[sunj]

Read the Conversations with God (Book 1) by Neale Donald Walsch. I don't know if you've already read it or not. Also try talking to God. Ask him "What the hell is going on?"

[Terumoto]

I asked God what the hell was going on, but the only reply I got was the tissue sticking out of my tissue box getting blown by the wind of my air conditioner and wiggling around.