How to come out as an atheist?

[jsot]

I am 14 and my mother is Catholic is has raised me and my siblings to be Catholic too. My dad is agnostic but he does not interfere with my mom religously. I am not sure I believe in God anymore and what makes it worse is that my mom wants me to start preparing to be confirmed.

What does this board think, is now a good time to "come out"? If so, how should I do it?

Thanks for any help.

[mlc82]

Originally Posted by jsot

I am 14 and my mother is Catholic is has raised me and my siblings to be Catholic too. My dad is agnostic but he does not interfere with my mom religously. I am not sure I believe in God anymore and what makes it worse is that my mom wants me to start preparing to be confirmed.

What does this board think, is now a good time to "come out"? If so, how should I do it?

Thanks for any help.

I've never told my mom (I'd call myself atheist as well, as I don't believe in any particular gods), just because it would upset her, not sure what to do about the confirmation bit though as my family isn't Catholic. Talk to your Dad for certainly, he'd probably understand more where you're coming from and might have some good advice.

[Brutha]

We don't enough about your mom to anticipate how your mom would react to you, if you would say "I'm an atheist.".

I have several friends who dispite being atheist themselves went to a conformation to get the gift from their relatives at the conformation party.
Then I live in Germany where the religion has a different part in society then say in the US.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Just tell her. Your beliefs are yours alone and cannot be decided by other people.

Its your life. Live it.

[mlc82]

I never liked to bring it up to my family (talked plenty with my friends about it), because here in Baptist-Land texas, "Atheist" apparently means the same as "Devil Worshipper". I made the mistake once of answering a family member's question of "don't you believe in God?" (asking because I didn't go to church anymore) with a simple no and expecting maybe a shrug or some concern, but instead received a look of horror and then a "crusade" on how I'd be going to hell if I didn't get back in line with Christianity. I started just ignoring those sort of questions from most people after that.

[Love]

How much does it bother you to keep it inside? What would it offer to you have this released, if your mom accepted it? What would it offer to you to have this released, if you knew your mom absolutely would not accept it?

[Shamou]

Like Brutha said, you're the one who knows your mom...

If she's going to bent all out of shape over this... I would go on with the charade... heck, you're 14 and in a few years you'll be away from home and can do whatever you want... or almost...

And, BTW, if you think that you would be the first to accept a compromise to keep the peace... think again... we all do it...

.

[Matthew Shea]

As a practicing Catholic myself, I'd advise you NOT to get confirmed if you don't believe what's being taught in church. If you want to get around this and still keep your relationship with your mom intact, tell her you're just not ready yet and you don't feel like you know enough about the Church to be ready to make such a big decision. Worst case then is she'll give you 50,000 books to read, but at least you won't be making a fraudulent commitment. You can then ease into the atheist/agnostic revelation later when the time is better.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

When I first read the post, I saw it 'confined' instead of 'confirmed' .

Anyway, I agree that you shouldn't be confirmed if you already know you don't want to follow Catholocism. It would be like marrying someone knowing full well you don't love them or want to be with them. Well, maybe not quite, but you get the idea.

I know how my mom would react if I said "Hi, mom, I'm an Atheist" so I am not pretending that conversation would be easy. Maybe it's best left for a later time. But I still wouldn't 'keep up appearances' just for the sake of avoiding an arguement because it will just serve to complicate things (in my opinion). Only you know how your mom will take it. Perhaps take the approach people use with children...only disclose enough to answer the question at hand. Don't go giving people information they aren't ready for. ETA: And by that I mean, don't launch into some long debate about religion/atheism.

I hope that makes some sense. I am distracted by my lunch.

Good luck.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by jsot

I am not sure I believe in God anymore

I agree with Matthew Shea that you'd be wise to decline the confirmation ritual. But since you're "not sure", it seems premature to come out as an atheist -- it sounds like you're still working it out for yourself, so why take a stand before you're ready?

Maybe you do need to learn more, not just about the catholic church, but about viewpoints that are outside of it, too, before you'll feel "set" about how you want to proceed. If I were you, I'd let my family know that this is a period of inquiry. That you have doubts, are open to discussion about them, and that you'll also be reading about and speaking with people who have beliefs that are different from your families so that you can have the most informed and mature realization of your own beliefs. Give 'em some time to get used to the idea, while not compromising your own thought process or freedom to express yourself.

Since your parents have authority over you, I would stretch that period of inquiry out until you reach the age of adulthood, at which point you won't be subject to the same kind of consequences. Save your more strident discussions for your peers, and for us, with whom you can safely work out your issues out loud without being judged and condemned (hopefully!)

Lots of love and courage to you,
Angela
(raised catholic; currently quite sure there is no personal, interventionist god who rewards/punishes human behavior, listens to prayers, and cares about my sex life.)

[jsot]

Originally Posted by Angela

I agree with Matthew Shea that you'd be wise to decline the confirmation ritual. But since you're "not sure", it seems premature to come out as an atheist -- it sounds like you're still working it out for yourself, so why take a stand before you're ready?

Maybe you do need to learn more, not just about the catholic church, but about viewpoints that are outside of it, too, before you'll feel "set" about how you want to proceed.

Yeah, right now I'm reading the Bible. I am going to read the whole thing before I go any further. I guess your'e right about the different viewpoints thing. If I decide Catholocism/Christianity isn't for me, I will look into other religions. It helps that I have Hindu and Muslim friends.

Thanks a lot for all of y'all's help

[Matthew Shea]

I'd advise you that the Bible, by itself, is nothing but a storybook if you don't have faith and a knowledgable person to guide you. Please don't expect any magic to happen just reading it cover to cover.

You really should talk to a priest. I agree with Angela's advise, too (believe it or not), about looking into other viewpoints, but you've already (I assume) got a valuable and completely free counseling service available to you where you can ask virtually any religious question you want and expect to get at least a somewhat-knowledgable answer: the sacrament of confession. I'd strongly suggest you take advantage of it. I've suggested this to people before, usually in person, and people are usually shocked because they see confession as something that you do when you've been bad. There's another way to look at it, though: spiritual guidance. I'd go to a priest that people speak well of (I'm sure your mom will know of several), which may or may not be your local pastor.

I wish you the best in figuring this out.

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Angela

Angela
(raised catholic; currently quite sure there is no personal, interventionist god who rewards/punishes human behavior, listens to prayers, and cares about my sex life.)

Interesting that you mention your sex life here. Not that it's anything about you... ... but I watched some sort of "behind the scenes of porn moveis" tv programme on Saturday and what caught my eye was that one actress said something like "Ooh, I'm very catholic, I pray every day, I think God watches over me" (or something like that). I think that was a catholic nymphomaniac.

[jsot]

Originally Posted by Matthew Shea

I'd advise you that the Bible, by itself, is nothing but a storybook if you don't have faith and a knowledgable person to guide you. Please don't expect any magic to happen just reading it cover to cover.

While that may be true, I still think that reading the Bible is a necessary prerequisite to not believing it. Just like reading Harry Potter is a necessary prerequisite to declaring that it's evil.


Yeah, chances are my mom will make me talk to a priest or enter some sort of program for dealing with this issue anyway.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

jsot, I think it shows maturity that you want to understand what you're opting out of (by reading the Bible).

Continue on with your study of different religions or other belief systems with the same open mind and I am sure you will not only find the answer that's right for you, but you will be well prepared to talk about your position in an intelligent manner.

[Matthew Shea]

Originally Posted by jsot

While that may be true, I still think that reading the Bible is a necessary prerequisite to not believing it. Just like reading Harry Potter is a necessary prerequisite to declaring that it's evil.

Yeah, chances are my mom will make me talk to a priest or enter some sort of program for dealing with this issue anyway.

Which is exactly why YOU should take the initiative and talk the priest on YOUR OWN volition. This is your life and this is a fundamental issue, so you need to take control. If mom takes control, getting to the end result will be much more difficult and conflicted. I guarantee it.

About the bible reading, all I can say it that it sounds like you're setting yourself up for what's already a foregone conclusion. I'll also say that there are a LOT of web sites that will try to discredit the bible by taking stories out of context and making claims like, for example, the bible advocates stoning kids to death when they won't obey. They won't make any attempt to put the story into a modern context, without all the cultural pollutants injected at the time the story was written, and explain what message we can use from it in our world today. That's why it's essential to get someone knowledgable to help you with your bible reading.

Finally, reading the bible and understanding the bible are two very different things. We're dealing with something much larger and more complex than Harry Potter. It doesn't make it any easier that 5,000 years or more of history separate us from the original writers and that some of the languages originally used don't even exist any more and have been translated and retranslated dozens or hundreds of times. To understand the bible, you have to go outside of it. A good way to do that would be to pick up a "New Jerusalem Bible". You'll need to visit a Catholic bookstore, as it's not freely available online as many others are, but with that version, you can get a full commentary included right alongside of the biblical text itself, which will give you a MUCH better chance of understanding what you're reading.

Again, I wish you the best. I realize that what I'm saying may come across as preachy, which is not my intention, but I'm trying to ensure that if you do decide for atheism or agnosticism, you do so for the right reasons, not because of all the blatant misinformation, mis-representations, mis-quotes, and outright lies that are being told about the church. With an accurate interpretation of the bible, you'll be able to see through all the junk out there and can make a much more well-informed decision.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by jsot

I am not sure I believe in God anymore...

I second Angela's and Matthew's advice. What you've said shows that you're not sure of your beliefs, and so spending time sorting that out would be the first step. Explore Catholicism more, but also look into other systems of belief.

Incidentally, as long as you're "not sure" you believe in God, you're not truly an atheist (see the definitions of strong vs. weak atheism)