Pragmatism vs Principle (Puzzles!)

[Albalida]

Over at the Psychic and Paranormal forum, there's a simple topic (why didn't the psychics I consulted all agree?) spinning off into a tangent debate (should spiritualists get paid?)

Originally Posted by Blue Sparks

you serve someone in spirit, you get paid in spirit
you mow somebody's lawn, you get paid with money.

This is actually something I've wondered about, and not only for psychics. How do you navigate the gray areas between things that can be seen, like money, and things that can't be seen, like family and friendships?

• A friend of mine comes from a very traditional Catholic family. Whether she actually believes is quite private to her, and she vocally hates the way the church is running things... but she'll come every Sunday to meet her parents, who she's no longer dependent on, and suffer hours of mass just because she knows that her admirable father and mother would appreciate her presence and she appreciates theirs. Her younger brother, unlike her, still dependent, declared himself atheist and refused to attend. At that, my friend told him, "You live under their roof. Follow their rules." What do you think of this, and why?
  (Personally, this rubs me wrong for a history that we'll get to, but in principle I think that faith is a very personal and individual thing, not that don't I admire my friend for... something else that she does about it... but while that's noble, I disagree that it's required.)
  
• An older brother of hers, otherwise independent, got a lot of flack for not attending. My friend disapproved with, "Our parents only have so much time. They're asking for one or two hours with them once a week, and however independent you are, you're just a jerk to keep saying no." This, I can actually agree with. There is no money-spirituality confusion: it's all on principle alone. They're both spending on gasoline to travel there, but the real exchange is one of spirit. But what do you think?
  
• Personally, my mother never forced her children to go to church with her if we didn't want to. She didn't make it a rule, which was a small mercy, because she did have a temper, and when my sister and I were old enough to ask why she punishes us for things that aren't our fault, she would silence us with how hard she worked to pay for our food, medical care, education, clothes, etc. -- she made it a rule to shut up until we could pay rent, and that gave her full license to abuse her children into eating disorders, attempted suicides, dropping out of school to join nudist communes just to escape her, etc. Free will and bootstraps aside in the case of the abused party's behavior-- was my mother in the right, to expect that respect can be bought?
  
• Another friend has been annoying the Dickens out of the rest of our group. She's had some tough times, and at one time or another we've all spotted for her. We see that she works hard, so her inability to pay us back is no fault of her own. I can forget the odd 20 bucks here or there, because, hey, no price to friendship. One of her very closest and quite successful friends lent 6 figures to get her out of debt with the hospital. I can understand that amount being a loan rather than a charity. Not that it's any of my business, they're both smart, able-bodied, working adults, they can work that out. No, wait-- it is my business, now, because they can't work it out and now we're being asked to take sides.
  When the debtor got into a personal argument with another friend, the lender took the other friend's side in the argument. The debtor was furious, burned her bridges, and slandered her benefactor's character to anyone who would read her blog. From my experience with my mother, this friend expected my opinion to be that "even if one person is literally in your debt, that must never be cause to silence their dissenting voice." ...I can't get on board with that, not this time, but I should probably find a way to explain why or else it's just a friends-as-numbers game. Help?
  
• My sister stopped attempting suicide and sought therapy. Her therapist's name is Johnnie Walker. We don't always see eye-to-eye (she worshipped our mother, after our mother passed away, and I don't mind the altar because it's not like she forces me to think the same way) but we're roommates: my sister, her collection of bottles, and I. One time she got drunk enough to vomit on my bed while I was still in it. I suggested that she take action so that it won't happen again, and she agreed to do so. The next time she came in plastered, my pay was delayed so that she spotted for my rent that month and I hadn't paid her back yet. Oh, and she broke my head open. Just a flesh wound. When I got back from the clinic, and she was sober enough to understand, I shouted at her because, more than my head, she'd broken a promise.
  She retorted that she didn't appreciate being told what to do in an apartment that she pays for. Needless to say, I moved out that day. Should I pay her back for that month?

[desertrat]

On your sister , pay her back , tell her its not a good idea to not buy any Jonny Walker with the money . She may need help with this problem. On being forced to go to church , go , when there out of the house and on there own they can find another church , or not. desert rat

[Albalida]

Thanks for the response! This isn't only about my seeking advice, though-- I'm curious about your reasoning?

To my mind, my sister would prefer to continue being in the right about attacking other people while under the influence. If I pay her, then I would retroactively remove her right to do that, and will continue to demand an apology from her. If I don't, then I never have to speak to her again, because she essentially bought my silence and her peace.

I suppose the church issue is also just practical. If you're younger and smaller than your parents, then they can literally drag you there. Living on your own as an adult, it's definitely more difficult. I would think the principle of the thing was that one's parents would want their children to want to spend time with them (the parents) but... you can't control what other people want. Unless it's a spirit-for-spirit thing where the parents wanted children, so expect their children to have wanted parents in return. Aha, I think I get it now, even though invoking basic living expenses rather muddles that up.

Originally Posted by desertrat

On your sister , pay her back , tell her its not a good idea to not buy any Jonny Walker with the money . She may need help with this problem. On being forced to go to church , go , when there out of the house and on there own they can find another church , or not. desert rat