Giving thanks despite our beliefs.

[Jesusapples]

I guess this is to you, loving God, whom I do so often avoid, and very rarely address man-o e man-o. I wish to express thanks for a few things, as I so rarely am thankful, but remain bitter in spite of all that is placed before me, though it is not my fault, please don’t chastise me. I have lost faith in man’s words, refusing to take them up as pure truth but treat them with skepticism as saturated with agenda are all words. Naivety is a precursor to this, stopping short of seeing the whole story in order to be wholesome and correct. Like being happy finding a star when you still have yet to find the edge of the universe. I suppose where those physical laws apply in equality to the spiritual laws that exist within them, there is no end to the ultimate question, or rather, no answer. It must be found by an accumulation of little answers.
God, I thank you for good health, for good limbs and a loving mother. I apologise for my thoughts at my father, I realise he is as much caught up in his ways as I fear to be, and I can’t say I understand this at this point, but I think perhaps it will come into play once I myself become a father.
I thank you for the lessons you have provided me thus far, in seeing people, even if my encounters in relationships and life have seemed hard and unjust at the time, there’s always something to be gained at the end of the tunnel, it seems I am too busy sometimes trying to learn the lesson, than live it. Premature learning.
I thank you for a lovely home to temporarily place myself, though it is messy it is full of light and love, it is void of materialist leanings.
Thank you for providing me with a sight, to see through veils of vanity and greed, even though at times it causes me pain to have faltering in my self convictions, that is all part of the doubt that reaffirms my convictions when I am right.
Thank you God, for the girl on my doorstep, I still feel that the true love is out of my reach, though I love very much, I hope with sincerity that I am amidst another lesson, that you will guide me through.
Dear God I apologise for every wrong doing that I have tried to justify as right in my mind, though now I think about it, I feel I have never harmed anyone but rather have reached out and grabbed the opportunities of redemption, a guided hand in the name of karma, I like to feel I am more just than others. I am a pawn in your hurtful game of chess. Perhaps.
I’m sorry for doubting you, but you know I seem to partake it as part of the journey, for I cannot be told the lessons but must ultimately must live them. That is why I long for incarnation, to know it is true, for then I can focus, instead of worrying about death or what I’m doing or not doing, am I doing it right? Damn, yes incarnation through your beautiful hands.
I’m sorry for blaspheming so much, I don’t know why I do it, it just seems to add a real scorn to the writing I partake in, which I suppose my ego thinks it’s ‘cool’ whereas I would say edgy. Passionate, and a little angry. I suppose I am not living in the service to myself, but rather at the service to others, the problem being that I am serving no one but myself in a horrible dwindling show of self pity and quarms that dust my lonely heart. Alas, it is all but a lesson, the school never finishes.
I thank you for the people you have placed in my life thus far, I have faith that you will not give up on me.
I thank you for the sun of the day, for showing compassion for all those that need it. I wish for some strength to help others and revert this world, to how you’d like it to be.