My Sunday Mantra: Matter of Trust

[masteredfate]

"You can't go the distance with too much resistance.
I know you have doubts, but for God's sake don't shut me out.."

"I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
Because it's always been a matter of trust."

-Billy Joel, Matter of Trust


I had a breakthrough before I lay down for a nap today. I don't trust my higher self/intuition/etc. because I have been let down time and time again by parents, superiors in the workplace and people I considered leaders or people I was supposed to depend on to make things right for me.


*Mother (who was sexually abused in her youth by her stepfather) accused me of sleeping with my step-father 8 years ago, told me I abandoned her and the family when I went away to school, shrugged her shoulders and said it made no sense when I wanted to graduate high school early, when I brought home a B+ on a math assignment in grade school, instead of saying I did a good job asked why it wasn't an A, and so on and so on and so on.

*Boss 1 used me as a patsy in a sting operation of an employee stealing from the company, didn't tell me, but sent me and my friend home for a 2 days with pay to get the employee who did do it to own up to everything. While we were told by other employees what had occured, Boss 1 never told us anything and never apologized.

*Boss 2 wrote me up for asking for help while all of the big wigs were away at a conference. He felt I was not doing my job. The writeup was overturned when they all returned, but ultimately it was because he was racist and didn't like my kind.

*Company 1 wrote me up when monitering a phone call of mine because I didn't offer the person a magazine at the end of the call, even though there was nothing else wrong with the call, and I was surrounded by people who would hang up on people, yell at people and say rude things or put them on hold until they hung up. Those issues were never addressed. While at company 3, I made less than minimum wage, but they felt a write up was appropriate over a magazine.

*Company 2 expected 52 hours a week of work (minimum) or you would get in trouble. ignored the fact that I had seniority during a shift time bid and favored the locals, even though I had been at the company longer than everyone, including half the supervisors.

*Boss 3 felt it was appropriate for us to work in a room that was less than 54 degrees (due to broken windows) and in extreme heat in the summer (83 degrees on average, same reason, broken windows), yet drove around in a Mercedes SUV. He was constantly yelling and having fits at employees.

*Boss 4 refused to listen to anyone (very customer oriented service), even the customers. Kept people on staff who went on dates with her clients and fired me for doing too much work and not pretending to be her best friend.

*Boss 5 was also racist and told me in a review that he was "surprised I wasn't more of a problem than he thought I would be."

*Boss 6 allowed an employee (that I told him was constantly trying to make me look bad to other employees and managers) to steal $45,000 from a retiree's pension. He even wrote me up based on her opinion when she wasn't even a manager. Even though my review showed I was a top performer and doing perfect work. I was constantly being scrutinized for everything I did, while the longtime employee I mentioned did what she did.

*Company 3 is a host company that sold themselves as being a great first option for people beginning in this sales oriented career. They did nothing to assist with confirming commission issues, problems with their website and accounting.

*Company 4 makes excuses for their inability to pay money that they receive immediately. They pretend they don't have it and then when you call them and ask for it, they make further excuses why they can't provide it.


and last but not least, current Boss 7 reads instant messages and e-mails from every employee but does nothing about employees who are lying and cheating to make it look like they are amazing at what they do, but they make a million mistakes. Promoted a manager who is more worried about people liking her than managing. Manager always passes work off to the employees who make the most mistakes. Called one female employee a clown to her face and hides information from Human Resources (an employee has called in sick 38 times since January and has not been fired and wasn't written up until September when she hit time number 32).

Yes, I know all this was me. I am quite creative. LOL

But the outside world I have created up to this point has denied me the comfort and peace that comes with trust every step of the way. Why would I trust God-Mind/God/Higher Self/etc? I have no reason to if you take a look at everything I just told you.

However, I realize fully that I have no other choice. Despite all of these challenges, I have never let myself down. I have excelled every step of the way. Found work where people claimed there was none. Created a happy, healthy marraige when everyone around me told me it doesn't exist. Additionally, I have manifested almost every dream I have ever had (meeting celeberities, unique experiences, jobs, etc.) Everytime someone told me something wasn't possible, I made it happen anyway. There is no action needed. I don't need to call HR on Boss 7. I don't need to confront him. I just need to relax and know, as always, I am safe, I am loved, I am protected and no physical, emotional, spiritual, professional, personal or financial harm can come to me. Ever.

For this reason, right now I declare:

I am sorry self for not trusting you. Even though you have shown me constant love and protection from all the circumstances and people above, I doubted you and I am deeply sorry.

I love you for always moving me ever forward to greater love and a deeper understanding of life. I love you for everything you provide from the delcious hot dog I had for dinner to the electricity that lights this room. I love you for the knowledge and warmth you provide me. I love you because I realize you are my everything.

Please forgive me for not seeing the truth in you. Please forgive me for not understanding how much love you have for me. For belittling the small and grand things you have done for me. Please forgive me.

Thank you for all that you have done and continue to do on my behalf. I trust you and have absolute faith in you. I am grateful for your power, your speed and clarity. I am grateful for all you are. Thank you.

[zeitgeist]

Dear Masteredfate, the more power to you if you can find trust in the Devine with all that going on around you. But there is still more work to be done. Like you have created something on your personal level (marriage) you now also have to create a loving and creative work environment. Our spiritual path is all about healing, so even in today's tough economy, I have a hunch that this opportunity is out there for you.

All the best to you ...

Zeitgeist

[masteredfate]

Thank you Zeitgeist. I had a dream the other day that told me that this job is not my final workspace. I feel like I'm not going anywhere, but I know this isn't it. And you are right. I have created love and warmth in my personal space but not my professional one. And I know that's what is coming now. I had the most peaceful day at work today. Externally and internally. The mantra really changed everything.